Why doesn’t it matter that boys didn’t like me when I was in middle/high school?

[CuriousChick101]

Boys didn’t like me when I was in high school / junior high, and people keep telling me that shouldn’t matter anymore, and to “get over it”. But I don’t get it… why would it not matter anymore? 🤷‍♀️

[SnowedIn]

I agree that it doesn't matter for two reasons. First, that was then. It's not now. Second, it doesn't impact now.

BUT... if it matters to you, that's what's important. However, I'd ask you what you plan to do with it mattering. What's your objective? Are you looking for people to [fill in the blank]. My caution is that, if your profile age is correct, I think you're going to have a very difficult time getting people your age (who are worried about mortgages, rent, cars, keeping their jobs, long term relationships in the now, kids, etc.) to care about your boy likes 12 to 17 years ago. Again, it may matter to you and that's important, but until and unless you can articulate why it matters so much in the present they're not going to care.

[CuriousChick101]

“…I'd ask you what you plan to do with it mattering. What's your objective? Are you looking for people to [fill in the blank].” The thing is, somewhat recently, somebody told me that normally when people get out of high school, they “move on” from this stuff. But obviously I DIDN’T move on from that when I got out of high school. So now I’m desperately wondering why I don’t know anyone ELSE who didn’t.

[SnowedIn]

Because those people have moved on. You have chosen not to.

I guess I'm trying to get you to look at from the perspective that it doesn't impact your lift. Figuring out why it matters to you and not to anyone else isn't going to help you or do anything. There's just zero reason to expend energy on this.

[SnowedIn]

Thank you very much for MHO!

[NamerOfStars]

Because you're not IN middle or high school anymore. It doesn't matter for the same reason that your distaste of the meatloaf your cafeteria used to serve EVERY DAMNED DAY doesn't matter anymore. It's OVER. Move on.

[Anonymous]

It shouldn’t matter anymore. I mean for one you were a kid back than. So you’re mentality obviously was that of a kid. By now you should be passed that as far as having moved on to more important things. Unless that’s still an issue today. Is it? Still an issue as far as meeting men?

[CuriousChick101]

But other people are liked by the opposite sex both as a kid AND as an adult, but I will only be liked by the opposite sex as an adult. 🙁

[Alcoholic_Wannabe]

Good point. How attractive you were in highschool is a good indicator of how attractive you will be for the rest of your life.

Most people don't like hearing that though for some fucking reason.

[In_Trance]

For the same reason you didn't like certain things then and now you do.

[CuriousChick101]

Pardon me for not being QUITE sure what you mean, but I’m wondering if this is an EXAMPLE of what you mean: when I was in high school, I was attracted to boys with shaggy hair, but now I find that look very childish and I’m attracted to guys with a more mature look by keeping themselves “clean–cut”. So is that an example of what you mean by “not liking certain things then and now I do”?

[In_Trance]

Exactly

[Paul_in_Indy]

Help us understand why it would matter?

[CuriousChick101]

Because other people are liked by the opposite sex both as a kid AND as an adult, but I will only be liked as an adult. 😥

[Paul_in_Indy]

Why should your perception of “other people’s” experiences matter to you? Why should you worry about things that happened far in the past? Not to minimize your feelings (but only to answer your question): This absolutely should not matter to you.

[CuriousChick101]

But for other people, both their “adolescent” self AND their “adult” self is liked by the opposite sex—but for me, only my “adult” self will be liked. Don’t you understand that? 🥺

[Paul_in_Indy]

I hear you saying that you are intent upon making past experiences that cannot be changed relevant to your present well-being; regardless of what anyone says to reassure you. If you hold to that, you will never be happy. Why would you choose that?

There is no “adolescent you” to be currently and continually rejected (in your mind - I doubt the rejection was ever completely real outside of your perception…but I hear that you will not consider this). Teenage boys are not rejecting the “adolescent you.” That is the past. You have decided that you will make a rule that you are not allowed to enjoy the present because you are angry about the past. I encourage you to repeal that self-imposed law.

You can choose to be alive now and let yourself pursue happiness. Or you can keep pointing at something that no longer exists -and which no one else can see- and insisting that it must define you.

[CuriousChick101]

“I doubt the rejection was ever completely real outside of your perception…”. May I ask what you mean by that?

[Paul_in_Indy]

We are always harder upon ourselves than others are. We, also, tend to focus upon negative interactions with unpleasant people to the detriment of other memories which would tend to ameliorate those jarring experiences. My experience with own life and with my close friends and family has shown that we think of ourselves as being less well-liked than we are. We are poor judges of ourselves and we are, often, unreliable narrators for our worst experiences.

My hunch is that rejected yourself more than you were rejected by others. …and that is a vicious cycle that feeds upon itself. In fact, it’s a cycle you seem to be still trapped in. If you refuse to accept yourself (your real, current self) as having value, I fear it will be a self-fulfilling desire.

[Paul_in_Indy]

As a thought experiment: When you were teenager and you got your driver’s license, how did you feel about the fact that for the past 16 years or so, you were not allowed to drive? Would it seem reasonable to you that you should refuse to drive now -or, at least, refuse to enjoy driving- because your child self will never be able to drive? Would you buckle your six year old self into the passenger seat so that she could mope and whine and point about how unfair it is that the older you can enjoy the open road while the child you will never be able to do it?

Does that sound about right to you? Are you thinking, “At last! Paul gets it. I hate driving because that kid couldn’t do it.” Or do you want to throw something heavy at my head?

…It’s a thought experiment. So, you only need to think about hurting me. It’s not necessary to actually maim me. :)

[CuriousChick101]

In response to your reply about “thinking we are liked less than we are”, there’s actually something important here that you don’t know—the reason why boys didn’t like me when I was in middle/high school was because at school I was always yelling out of anger (not because I wanted to, but because I couldn’t help it because of a disability I had).

[Paul_in_Indy]

i don’t care who you yelled what at. It really doesn’t make a difference. We were all awkward as teenagers. You think you were worst than the rest of us, but it doesn’t matter. There is no “teenage you” tagging along with you being rejected. There is just you. You can grow and change —and your experiences WILL continue to change. Allow people to accept you. Don’t disqualify their affection on a technicality related to your past.

You used to defecate in your pants and make your parents clean it up. Then you grew and changed. You don’t carry one of your old diapers around with you to show people how incapable of coping with life you were as a baby. Don’t hold onto the past. If people accept you, they accept all of you. It’s all you.

[Danny_dan92]

Because those are boys, not men

[CuriousChick101]

But other people are liked by the opposite sex both as a kid AND as an adult, but I will only be liked by the opposite sex as an adult. 🙁