Guys, why do you look/stare at a girl, but don't approach her?

[bethanyyy]

I'm not talking about clubs, in settings where people are looking to "hook up" etc, I'm referring to everyday settings, in general social settings with acquaintances and friends.
Guys, why do you look at a girl, to the point of turning your head to look at her, yet don't approach her to talk?
What are you expecting or hoping for the girl to do?
What would stop you from approaching her?
Consider the context of a girl you already know, but not too well.
Any insight on this would be appreciated.

It means nothing, I stare at most people

It means the look was probably unintentional, I probably just stare in her general direction sometimes

I'm shy

I find her intimidating

Just because I stare at a girl doesn't mean I'm attracted to her

[Anonymous]

I don't see my personal reason listed here. If I'm checking a girl out/staring often, I'm obviously attracted, but I don't approach unless I have a reason to. I find most women attractive for one reason or another, so if I approached every girl I found attractive, I wouldn't have time to do anything else with my life haha.

I approach a girl when I have a reason beyond looks to do so. Maybe it's something non-personal like I need help with something, or maybe she did something that prompted particular interest in me. Like maybe a girl says something intelligent and interesting that might prompt me to ask her a question regarding it, sparking a conversation. Or maybe she did something silly like accidentally push a door you're supposed to pull then embarrassingly check to see if anybody saw her. If I did I might smile and make a joking comment and then see if she plays along or gets uptight about it.

So I think the major reason why I would stare but not approach is because she's done nothing to stand out beyond looking good.

[bethanyyy]

Haha the pushing door bit sounds like something I often do.
What about if the girl seems really kind hearted, but she is personally shy herself, would that intrigue you too?

[Opinion Owner]

Anything that stands out will spark intrigue. The problem with shy girls is they often actively try NOT to stand out... so they kill their own odds.

[bethanyyy]

Yeah, I'm probably guilty of that, I have very little confidence.
And unfortunately, I think a lot of guys mistake shy-ness for disinterest, which I think is the case for me.

[Opinion Owner]

Yep. A guy doesn't want to get rejected so he looks for women he has the best chances with. If a girl seems disinterested, he interprets that as an increase in his odds of rejection. Why chance it on the girl that seems likely to reject him? Especially when she hasn't done anything to stand out (because she's too shy to draw attention to herself).

It's a vicious cycle. One that I think dissipates over time. As people grow up they start to worry about other peoples opinions of them less and less. Experience teaches them that one persons opinion isn't a big deal and that momentary awkwardness passes so they get more comfortable with themselves.

[bethanyyy]

Yeah, that's true, I worry much less about what others think of me, now that I am older, but I just seem to naturally get nervous and shy around guys I might like.
Maybe I should just cut to the chase, and approach him myself. We've spoken in the past, we know each other.
I think what also holds me back, is I'm not sure how old he is, all I know is that he is younger than me.

[Opinion Owner]

I think a big thing is just practice. You need to practice anything to get good at it. It's no different with flirting. You might think you're no good at flirting or too nervous for it, but that's just because you haven't done it enough. Do it more and it will start to come more naturally.

As for just approaching him yourself, that's not out of the question, but you have to be smooth about it. I like to think of it as a gradual thing. You do something to spark an exchange with him, be playful and see if he goes along. If he's short and a bit dismissive, well then you can cut it off before putting yourself out there. If he plays along and it seems like there's some give and take going on, that means there's some mutual chemistry and you can take the next step. It's a bit of a dance in that way.

[bethanyyy]

I think it also depends a lot on what mood I'm in, too, sometimes it comes more naturally some days, and less naturally other days. He has complimented me twice before, maybe he was trying to flirt.

[Opinion Owner]

Yeah, that's the same for all of us. We all have our days. Sometimes I feel like I could ask out any woman on earth with success. Other days I feel like I should go hide under a rock lest I scare little children with my hideousness. The reality is neither extreme, but your own self-esteem in the moment can play a huge part in how you decide to approach other people.

[bethanyyy]

Haha, I couldn't agree more, that's just how I feel from day to day.
I think I'll wait until a day when I'm feeling okay, and not too nervous, and that should help, and if that conversation goes well, then hopefully my nerves will ease.

[Opinion Owner]

Sounds like a good idea to me. You have to pick your battles. Aside from that just keep working on you until you literally can't find any excuses to why a person wouldn't like you (which is actually just a subconscious way of realizing you love yourself).

[bethanyyy]

That's good advice, thank you. I wish you all the best in dating and finding the right girl :)

[Opinion Owner]

Thanks and you too. All good things take time.

[kangaru2]

this is a good one

[godfatherfan]

Well it is partly shy and partly intimidating. I am just not someone that will walk up to a stranger on the street. If it is like a classroom or work or something then that is different. If she is someone that is just out of my league then what are you going to do. No point in trying just to get laughed at. The only way I would say something to a woman is if she gives me some kind of sign that it is ok to approach her. That is why online dating is so much better. You already know she is attracted to you when you start chatting together.

[bethanyyy]

Can I ask what that sign is, that she might give you, so you know it's safe/okay to approach?
I'm shy too, I'm not really confident enough to smile at him when I see him looking at me, as I get a bit nervous, is there something else I can do?

[godfatherfan]

I think a smile and maybe a little wave should tell him enough. If you really want to make your point but don't have to have a ton of courage just write all your contact information on a piece of paper. Fold it up. Walk up to him and just hand him the paper and tell him "I hope I hear from you..." smile and walk away. Then it is really up to him.

[bethanyyy]

I wish I could do that, but it probably wouldn't work out that way haha, as I go to church with this guy, and see him every week. We do know each other, we've spoken, but don't know each other really well or anything. I think I've just got to be brave, and try to talk to him more often.

[godfatherfan]

What do you think would go wrong? giving him the paper with your number and email is very non-contact low key. with it you are telling him you are interested but not putting any pressure on him or the situation either since you are going to just walk away right away. he doesn't freak out, you only have to build up the courage a short time. I have had a lot of women tell me "thanks that worked great.." If he doesn't call then he is not interested and talking to him is not going to necessarily change that. but you have to do what you are most comfortable with. even at my age I am still surprised that women are nervous talking with guys. You hold all the power in relationships. women, in most cases, dictate if there will be a relationship and certainly control how sexual the relationship is. but people are people I guess. Good luck, hope it works out.

[bethanyyy]

I just think I need to get to know him a bit better, establish a friendship first. I don't want him, or others to think I'm attending the church with the sole purpose of picking up guys, and doing that could come across that way. I think I just need to get to know him in a normal natural way, slowly, over time.

[nollie33]

If a guy is REALLLY giving a girl looks then he must find her attractive. I would say that the reason he doesn't approach is usually intimidation. This is sort of a side note, but I feel like guys now days are more lazy than years ago. It seems like they are more likely to complain about having to make the approach, but maybe its just we have more social media to express this now days.

[bethanyyy]

I've noticed that too, many guys do complain about that, yet when a girl finally does approach them, they think it's a turn off, and think she's desperate, and state that they prefer "the chase".

[Insaan]

Nollie you are wrong my dear...

[kairon156]

think about how men have been treated lately. we are 3rd class citizens. most women don't respect men. we are the enime and are only good for our money and sperm (so they can have children)

[Azara]

if you notice him looking you must be looking at him

what stops you from approaching him?

it would cancel out any ambiguity for you as to why he's not approaching you.

[Insaan]

Well if a girl is attractive , guys will stare at her but obviously not every man is that confident to make his move. Fear of rejection plays another part.
Also it may look like creepy to women's eye who make strong confident approach. So that also fails most of the time.
A women has to give some liking hints to a guy so that it will make him comfortable to approach.
Also absolute stranger women are not that usually friendly plus women rarely shows her "likeness" expression on their face which again makes that guy clueless.
Only confident guys in no time will make their move any how as they literally don't have that fear because of good experirnces with women.
But shy guys will only see her , stare her , remember her face and then fantasise for few nights in their dreams and move on.

[bethanyyy]

But what confuses me, is why is the guy confident enough to turn his head to look at a girl, e.g. When she is diagonally behind him. I mean, that's pretty obvious, so if you're brave enough to do that, why not just say Hi or something?
And what are the signs/signals a girl should give to a guy to encourage him to approach?

[Insaan]

Okay i will help you out.
I understand your confusion. Actually turning head around and staring woman is much easier than to approach. Guys have an exclusive habit of staring and checking out women when he finds her to be attractive.
With out excuses how can a guy approach my dear? for example, if you are standing at one corner of hospital and me as stranger directly approaches you then how will you feel? Won't you feel uncomfortable and then try to avoid me thinking that i might be creepy? That's what the problems arises with us men.
So there is always a need of excuse to befriend women. It takes time.may be few days. Then we try to know each other , exchange number and so on.
And how should the guys know that the particular woman i am staring at might be friendly? As i said there are many shy guys who do not want to take risk. To be continued...

[bethanyyy]

Well I do actually know this guy, he isn't a stranger. So it's a bit different. It's a guy I go to church with, we know each other, but not really really well. We've spoken, but because I don't know him really well, we don't approach each other all the time.
I've smiled at him in the past, but sometimes I get a bit nervous, and am unable to smile.

[Insaan]

It's very rare that complete strangers meet each other and become friends in no time. For many it's little time consuming process. Like for few days you see each other from distance. Then by coincidence you come across each other followed by smile and talk to become acquaintances , then good friends and so on.
Hints?
Like gently ( not serious look lol) staring back at him with little smile ( optional) will work. This will ensure him that " yeah she's noticing me too...i must try" understood?
Or purposely going across him so that he notices you every time you go.
I could have advised you to go pub. But problem is majority will approach you for sex which i guess is not your motive.
The most important thing is to start conversation any how.
Sexual relationships can be developed in one day but genuine relationship takes little time.
Be talkative like women haha! It will help.

[bethanyyy]

No, certainly not looking for sex. I'm hoping for a genuine relationship of depth.
Well we do exchange glances, mutually. And I do sometimes smile. I'm hoping he can tell I'm interested.
I'm planning on approaching him next time I see him.

[Insaan]

No that smile doesn't guarantee anything. Why don't you talk? First become friends..

[Stark]

Not intimidation lol. If I see a girl and I think she's hot, I'll look, it's like eye candy. Doesn't mean I have to chase tail though. If I feel like it, and we're mutual friends or something, I will compliment her on it, doesn't mean I want to go anywhere though.

I would imagine a lot of guys on here don't approach because they're shy though.

[bethanyyy]

When you say that you'll compliment her on it, do you mean just giving her a compliment about her appearance?
He has given me two compliments before, one was that he liked my hair colour, and the other was that it was nice to see me smiling. But not sure if that was just him being kind.

[Stark]

Yeah that could be compliments on appearance. I can't really say about the guys you're asking about though. Where I'm just trying to be nice, he could be dropping hints or something.

[Apophis]

It could be any of those things.
Maybe they enjoy the view and that's all. They could have girlfriends all ready.
Even if they don't, it doesn't appear that the 21st century woman is open to cold approaches unless the guy is ridiculously good looking.

[bethanyyy]

That isn't the case for me, a guy doesn't need to be ridiculously good looking for me to be attracted.
Well it's been ongoing, for about six months, that he'll look at me sometimes, we speak only every so often. Eh definitely doesn't have a girlfriend.

[bethanyyy]

"He" not "eh"

[Chris011]

Well, i usually glance at the girls that i am interested in. For the girl that i fancy i will glance at her a little more often then with the other girls. The reason for me not approaching? Because i get shy and feel anxious around her.
If you want the guy you like to do something then you should give him some subtle signs that you are into him.

-smile at him, glance at him more, sit near him, "accidentally" rub or touch him, talk to him.

[bethanyyy]

I do try to smile at him, but sometimes get nervous, and it's hard to smile.
We do exchange glances sometimes, when we 're across the room from one another. I'm going to try and approach him to talk soon.

[Chris011]

Completely understandable, I'm the same way. Maybe try sitting near him and accidentally touching him or something hahah.
But yea that's a good idea. Try talking with him. Good luck.

[bethanyyy]

Haha I think the talking to him may be the safest option :)

[Chris011]

Lol yea :p

[islandinhabitant]

Mixture of C and D being shy makes attractive girls intimidating. It sucks but such is life!

[bethanyyy]

What about if the girl is shy herself, does that make it any different, e.g. Less or more intimidating?

[islandinhabitant]

I would say slightly more actually. As a shy woman wouldn't encourage a shyer guy like a confident one would. You would have a stalemate situation kind of like the one I am in at the moment

[Rogue2]

It's intimidating and the fear of rejection is always there for most of the male population. With me, I'll get to know her a little better before I DO anything.

[bethanyyy]

But how will you get to know her better without approaching her?

[Rogue2]

As in terms of asking out or pursuing is what I meant to say.

[bethanyyy]

Okay yes. Would you approach a girl if she exchanges lots of glances with you, from a distance, despite not smiling?

[Rogue2]

I have and just did recently, yes. I had the intent of asking her out once I got to know her a little better because it just seemed like we clicked, and it felt right. Unfortunately, she had a series of dates and it led to a relationship. Alas, I tried. And it's something I would have never done before then.

[bethanyyy]

Wow, good on you, I wish more guys would do that. My advice would be to keep doing that, and trying, and you'll soon find the right girl.

[Rogue2]

I sure hope so

[Anonymous]

He's just testing waters if he makes eye contact and sees how you react or smile. Otherwise I just check out hot girls and try avoid eye contact if I'm not interested.

[bethanyyy]

What if she gives eye contact, but doesn't smile back?
I like him, but I'm personally a little shy around guys myself, and I get nervous when I catch him looking at me, so I kind of freeze, and look away, and seem to be unable to smile, which is really frustrating. Is there anything else I can do, to give him the signal to approach me, other than smiling?
And he's not exactly the type of guy who enjoys catching the eye of "hot girls" just for fun or anything, he's not flirtatious by nature in any way. He's just a really genuine and down to earth kind hearted guy.

[Opinion Owner]

Well as long as you don't flash mean look and scare him off he might approach you. But seriously try and smile at a guy your interested in or at least hold eye contact for 5 seconds to show interest.

[bethanyyy]

Well it happened yesterday, that we were both in separate conversations, and he was diagonally in front of me, with his back to me, and he turned to look at me at one stage, and I looked at him, I gave him eye contact, but only for a second, sometimes my nerves give me a reflex response, and I automatically look away. However soon after that, he was in another conversation with someone, however was facing me, but was a bit further away than before. And while we were both in our separate conversations, we kept looking at each other often, and it was mutual. Would that help the situation?

[Opinion Owner]

Yeah I did this to a girl in class and she actually waited for me after class and then I talked to her.

[bethanyyy]

So do you think that the exchanging of looks with this guy could have helped?
So was the girl who waited for you shy?

[Opinion Owner]

Yeah she's kinda shy but she was also the kind that expects the guy to make the first move. And yes the looks do help. Eye contact for prolonged intermittent periods to show that you're interested.

[Red_Arrow]

@bethanyyy - If you look at someone and see they are looking at you, then a smile would indicate they are open to speaking with you. No smile would suggest they are not open to it. Anytime this happens, give a smile then go on with what you are doing. It allows you to look away fairly quickly, but you have given a friendly signal before you do.

[Opinion Owner]

Eh the girl that liked me was shy and didn't smile back but she did like me. But yeah a smile would definitely help/speed up the process.

[bethanyyy]

Okay, I'm going to have to try and smile at him next time. I have smiled at him before, which may have triggered a compliment he once gave me where he said "it's nice to see you smiling", not sure what that meant exactly. Sometimes I'm more nervous some days, and less nervous other days, yesterday was an overly nervous kind of day.

[Anonymous]

Because I'm aloud to look? What's with this stupid generation that assumes all people should walk around with their heads, Um I mean all MEN should walk around with their heads facing the ground.

[bethanyyy]

Did you read the full question? I'm not complaining about guys looking, or wondering why they look, I'm wondering why they don't approach, despite looking.
And can you try not to be so rude?

[Opinion Owner]

Why do you assume guys have to hit on you because they look? Why dont you go tot hem. Duh problem solved.

I look at things in the store, doesn't mean I want to buy them.

[bethanyyy]

I included that as an option in the poll. So I knew that was a possibility, all I wanted was some further insight, duh

[existing_not_living]

Why'd you go anonymous?

[dodgypirate]

The nerves and the intimidation.

[bethanyyy]

Is there anything she can do to help those nerves?

[dodgypirate]

Go up to him and drop a flirt ;) when a girl comes up to me, providing I'm already attracted to her, it feels great - a massive ego boost. It doesn't need to be anything over the top, but just something that'll let him know you're attracted to him... And that's it.

[bethanyyy]

Would just coming up to him, and smiling at him, then asking him how he is okay?

[dodgypirate]

Yeah something like that, but maybe just a bit more... Do it, but in a lower tone of voice or touch his arm when you talk to him. If he's interested, he'd instantly react.

[bethanyyy]

Okay, thanks for your advice.

[SaltandVinegar]

Just admiring a pretty girl most of the time.

[ironeddie]

No confidence.

[bethanyyy]

But why are guys confident enough to go to the effort to actually turn their head to look at a girl, e.g. A girl who is diagonally behind him, yet not approach her? Because that's pretty obvious

[ironeddie]

Because you are rarely rejected just for looking.

[extraordinaryidiot]

I voted C.