Dating 2 months ... I told him I miss him?

[Anonymous]

I've been seeing this guy for about 2 months now, we meet 1-2 a week and have a really good time together. I'm 23 and he's 26 and we have been dating exclusively from the beginning. We have fooled around, but haven't really gone all the way ... I'm a virgin and I'm waiting a little longer, although I do feel that time is approaching. He texts me every day almost, initiating the convo. I also try to initiate and ask him to hang out, but I like making him pursue me because girls are more needy in general, so I try to give him space with his friends and family, things have been good so far. He's sweet, smart, funny and we have a lot of chemistry. But, about 2 weeks into dating (that is, 6 weeks ago) he mentioned he wasn't ready yet for a serious relationship and wanted to go slow, just enjoy each others' company. I agreed because both of us have had hurtful past relationships. After this we have not had a "where do we stand"convo. I'm letting it just unravel on its own.

He texted me this morning and I responded saying I was missing him (although we spent about 4 hours together on Friday). This was the first time I had let my emotions out a bit in our relationship but I took the plunge with the text. He texted me back, I'm missing you too, do you want to hang out tonight?

We ended up not hanging out cause he was exhausted after work, but I still regret texting him I miss him. Yet at the same time I feel I should be honest. Am I doing anything wrong? Any advice?

Should I have the "where do we stand" talk?

[LukeLockehart]

You Definitely Made a Good Decision by not having that talk. If you would have, you would have scared him away for good no doubt!

I'll tell you exactly what happened... Guys get spooked really easy when a girl starts wanting to push things to be serious. Any talks of where is this going, where do we stand, what's our future actually kill a guys attraction for a girl. And I'll tell you why...

Whenever we are dating someone, both people are subconsciously evaluating if they think this potential partner is pretty much the best possible partner they can get.

When a girl asks, Where do we stand, it communicates I'm not sure if you like me as much as I like you, but I need to know. And ironically, that question alone can make a guy who thought things were going well begin to question things. He thinks, "Why is she unsure if I like her, is there something about her I don;t know about. Should I not like her? Can I do better? Why is she trying to pin me down in a relationship.

If she is pressuring me, its prob because she knows I'm the best she can get, and she wants to snatch me up before I realize I can do better.

All these thoughts come up in different forms in different guys, when a girl asks a guy where they stand.

So you def, did right by not asking that...

So now what...

Let me use a metaphor to explain what happened and what to do...

Let's say that when we start dating someone, it's like two people standing on opposite sides of a seesaw with it completely balanced. To be in a relationship the two people need to get to the middle of the seesaw without one person moving too fast and tipping over.

When things get more serious in dating, its like taking a step forward on the seesaw. If one person takes a step forward, the other needs to step forward as well or they will be out of balance.

Girls that are a virgin, can easily spook a guy. Its Scary in that guys think once a virgin has sex she will get overly emotional and want to get immediately married.

This guy probably got a little spooked, so he stepped back on the seesaw. By him stepping back though, it made you want to step forward, which was why you were so compelled to tell him you missed him after just seeing him recently. You had felt that he stepped back, and it compelled you to want to step forward.

However, right now the seesaw is out of balance. And when its like this, the first urge is release all those emotions and have a talk that will assure you. But it wont.

Having a talk is another huge step forward on the seesaw and will completely flip over yalls relationship beyond repair.

For him to feel comfortable again, you have to do what's counter-intuitive and step back to balance things out. Act like nothing is wrong, everything is fine and you're not worried about it.

Only when you step back will he be able to come forward again..

Play it cool and take it easy!

Luke

[Asker]

Thanks for your response! I do agree with the seesaw metaphor and I understand your perspective. But at thesame time I do not think its fair for me tohave to bottle up everything I feel you know? My feelings aren't strong, but if I am interested in someone, and vice versa, I'd like that said once in a while. I think its a natural thing women want. I've been very nonchalant abt where we stand etc and I'm sure he's loving the lack of pressure, but its taking its toll on me ...

[LukeLockehart]

I understand what you're saying... Its not easy holding in strong emotions, but I want you to get what you want. There is a more effective way then talking about it. Stop letting him see you. When he calls be busy, when he asks to hang out say you got something else going on. You do this until he asks why you're acting different. And then and only then, you say...

[LukeLockehart]

Ughh... It wouldn't let me finish my comment... So I'll do it here. Read my 2nd comment below first before you read this.

But then you say... I've been distant because you don't seem to want the same thing as me and I'm not going to waste my time.

This displays utmost confidence, and that you respect yourself so much you're not going to put up with being strung along and taken for granted. It also implies you believe you will have no problem finding a guy who will gladly meet your needs.

This confidence will make him want to have you as his girlfriend, and he will be afraid that if he doesn't act, someone else will scoop you up.

What most girls do, is they say they want a relationship, but then hang around when the guy refuses to give it to them. Hoping the guy will eventually realize what he has. THIS NEVER WORKS. Because just by hanging around, she is showing that her needs aren't important, and guys don't respect nor want to date girls that comprise their needs.

Don't ever settle for less than you deserve!

And make it known that you never have and never will.

Luke

[Asker]

Hey, thx for your response, I really appreciate the advice. I haven't had the talk and I've been being a little distant but he and I have hung out a couple times this week and it's been great. I think one issue is I'm a little distant and shy in person with him. I never ever initiate holding hands or kiss him, even on the cheek. I kno that's weird after 2 months, but I'm shy by nature. I feel bad making him do all the work and I was thinking maybe I shd let him kno in case he thinks I'm

[Asker]

(contined comment ...) confused or mixed abt my feelings. I was just gonna ask to meet him tonight for a few min and say, "I know I'm not very forward with you and I didn't want you to think I wasn't comf or didn't like you ... I'm just a little shy by nature and I felt if I did take initiative it would put pressure and I completely respect your wishes in that regard. I just feel bad making you do all the work ..." the reason I'm even bringing it up is cause last night at the movies I think he was

[Asker]

(continued ...) waiting for me to hold his hand or lean on him and I wanted to but I'm so shy I just didn't. He finally just grabbed my hand gently toward the end of the movie. I really like him and want to make it clear because I guess I am sending mixed signals. I'm sure most girls rub up against their man or cozy up to them by now ... Do you think that would be an OK convo to have? It would really bug me all week if I had to wait to bring it up ...

[Anonymous]

I think its OK, if you don't say stuff like that you guys won't get anywhere. remember guys like confident girls

[coolbreeze]

I don't think you are doing anything wrong. You aretelling him how you feel and he should be doing the same. I think you wait to have we do we stand talk because it sounds more of an ultimanium. I feel it wuld put more pressure on him and might scare him away. Also you guys already discussesyou wanted to take things slow. If I had to put a label on what you guys were. Yu guys would seem like very best friends or boyfriend and girlfriend even though you guys aren't official yet. Hopefully with time he will ask you out.