How to pursue a girl who has low self esteem?

[hockeydirect27]

She asked if I liked her and I told her yes and she said she liked me too. A month or so has passed and I felt like I needed to make some kind of obvious move in our friendship to show interest in her as more than a friend so I wouldn't slip into the friend zone. Yesterday I eventually get on the topic that I like her and she says you shouldn't like me. She says how she's crazy in the head, cuts herself, and a bunch of other things that she thinks makes her a bad person.

She has told me about these things before I told her that I liked her but I really do like her and the things she brought up honestly don't scare me away. I don't want to give up. How can I pursue a girl with low self esteem? Keep in mind we go to different colleges so we won't be able to hang out in person till sometime in the summer. I just made this move because I felt like things wouldn't turn out well if I just played it safe as a normal friend till summer.

[Anonymous]

This is a tough one. To be honest, I don't think such a relationship can work until she can sort out her personal problems. She has a poorly developed self-concept with low self-esteem, lacking belief in her personal goodness, skills or abilities. This will affect her relationships and present difficulty in establishing healthy, long lasting relationships. She needs to break the barrier or outer shell of the self-doubt she has hidden behind and reach out to others. Breaking out of her "shells" requires letting go of past hurts (real or imagined) and moving on with life. She needs to understand what behavior trait signaled her insecurity. If you want to help, make a collage for her about all the things you like about her. Ask at least close friends and/or relatives to assist you. Ask them to send you magazine pictures, sayings, articles, photos, prizes, trinkets, cards, drawings, objects, ribbons, etc., indicative of the various strengths, attributes, talents, skills, knowledge, virtues, competencies or abilities you think she possess. Include a short explanation with each item. Once you gather the items, paste them on poster board in collage fashion. Explain each item on the collage. It might be a step for her to overcome some of her personal insecurities by giving accurate and honest feedback on reasons why she should feel secure and good about herself.

Be there for her, and take it easy. if you still wish to pursue a relationship then tell her. But I honestly believe she needs to address her insecurities as it could result in un-healthy relationships.

[Brendi87]

Wow, it shows that you really like her because you're willing to stand by her side. The thing with low self-esteem is that she doesn't love herself, find herself worthy of a good guy like you, so it's going to be tough.

People like that need constant reassurance (speaking from experience). She will have to seek at least a mental health professional in order to better herself. Maybe she'll listen to you, maybe she won't.

The danger with her not seeking outside help is if something happens between you two and it doesn't work out, it will completely devaste her. I had a very low self-esteem minus the cutting, and it feels like the end of the world when a relationship ends, whether it be romantic, friendship, or family. She will feel down on herself, wonder what she did wrong, which only gives her more reason to think she's not good enough. It's a cycle that won't end until she for herself believes she is truly amazing and worthy of good things.

P.S. I seek behavioral-cognitive therapy. I had a history of ending my relationships/friendships once things got tense, and very few people took the time to find out why. My depression started when I was 13, so it's refreshing looking at life at a whole new perspective. It's like I've been born again. The only thing that made therapy scary at first is finding stuff out about myself I didn't like. It shocked me, but made me want to change A.S.A.P. and I know I'm on the right track.

[Anonymous]

I don't know why people are saying this is a "tough one." It's not. What do you like so much about her if she has low self-esteem? That pretty much means she doesn't like herself, so how could anyone else, like you, possibly like her? She told you she's "crazy, cuts herself and a bunch of other things." Of course she's not a BAD person, but she is a screwed up person. And she is in no place emotionally or physically to be in a relationship or date until her mental state at the very least improves.

Hell, you even go to different colleges and only have he summer... Then what? Be there for her as a FRIEND and urge her to get help for her problems. Most universities have counseling services and she might benefit greatly from going to one for her issues. You need to find a more normal girl at your university. It's simple.

[Opinion Owner]

have the summer*

[hockeydirect27]

No matter what happens I'll still be there for her as a friend. I'm not trying to date her atm I just wanted her to know that I liked her. She's taking counseling at her school too. To me though she is a "normal girl".

[Opinion Owner]

You asked how to pursue a girl with low self-esteem, that implies you were interested in dating her - no? And that's good.

[hockeydirect27]

I guess there are different stages of pursuing a girl. I'm at the stage of just wanting her know that I like her. If she asked me out tomorrow I'd say no because it's not the right time.

[TheGodEmperorLeto]

Just cause she's screwed up doesn't mean she's a bad match. She might very well have a lot in common with the guy, she could be really fun to be around, and he might very well feel really strong love for him. Just cause she has low self-esteem isn't a "do not date" thing imo. If you really care for someone, you accept their faults and try to help them with them.

[TheGodEmperorLeto]

Man, at first I thought you wanted to date her, but reading your comments to other answers you really poorly worded this lol.

I was going to suggest you just keep telling her how you feel and keep trying to boost her self-esteem. People keep saying "people need to work on themselves and find strength in themselves" and that's partially bullsh*t. Yes, people should find strength in themselves, but if they are blind to their good sides and so depressed/miserable it requires other people to help them out of it. We are a community, we should be there for people in times good and times bad. We should be there to help bring people up when they can't see what good they have. If someone doesn't have that, chances are they aren't likely to see their good points.

So ya, keep talking to her, keep boosting her self-esteem with sincere praises in her skills and ability at something. In her intelligence, in her morals, in her beliefs, in her appearance, etc. Praise everything about her you can and be sincere. Don't CONSTANTLY praise though cause then she'll probably just not believe it. But do make a point of praising things you like about her when it comes up naturally.

Best of luck, hopefully she'll get better.

[TheGodEmperorLeto]

I should say while I haven't seen anyone here exactly say the whole "people need to work on themselves and find strength in themselves" and specifically only that, well, I have seen it elsewhere. People seem to quite often forget we're a community and we all work and build off each other even if you don't realize another person is effecting your behavior. Society shapes and defines all of us and our personalities. The monsters and the saints alike.

[carguydc]

That's a tough one. I've had some experience with it. It might take time. A very long time. It might not even happen at all. Just keep reassuring her, but don't harp on it. Make her laugh. Get her to open up to you. Listen to her problems. Good luck to you.

[hockeydirect27]

Thanks man, I'll try to continue to listen and be a friend.

[laurea]

its not tough at all.. I have low self esteem just tell her how beautifull she is in your eyes and that she doesn't see what you see... another important thing telle her your like her just the way she is.. people will low self esteem just need to be reassured.

[hockeydirect27]

Thanks for the answer. I ended up not talking to her anymore. Turned out she fooled around with another guy still wanted her ex back who hit her and always put her down. She has too many issues and I figured it was just best not to get involved anymore. Thanks again!

[tom-tom-traveler]

It's a shame that you had to find out the way you did about the 'other guy' in her life. Is she clinging to him out of desperation?

[hockeydirect27]

Well it's hard to say. She could have her pick of most guys but she picks that guy. But time has passed and I've moved on. I told her it was best if we just stopped talking. I said it in a respectful way though. She ended up coming around and trying to talk to me again. I allowed it only because I had my head in the right place. I won't allow myself to be tricked again.

[BrighteyedAsh]

She'll figure it out. Just be there and don't slip into friend zone. You sound on the right track.

[7gnat]

Well be a little more upfront and str8 forward. just kiss her and see what happens. less talk and more action

[dwiller943]

Take things very slowly.