My fiancee sometimes does fotoshoots, how should I feel about that?

[Anonymous]

I'm 31 and my soon to be wife 30.
About a year ago my soon to be wife was approached by a couple in the store she works.
The wife said her husband did some amateur photography and he really likes her look and would love to do a shoot with her. My girl was a bit thrown off and refused but received a number.
Anyway my girl told me about it and we laughed a bit. A couple of days later my girl said it was flattering, and actually thinking to do it. I was a bit holding off, as they were strangers. She told that she felt a bit insecure about herself since she turned 30.

This was weird to me as she is honestly so beautiful. I know i'm biased. But still she's very good looking.
So, i agreed to it but I wanted to be there.

So we called them and set up a shoot.
It was all very normal. The Guy is like 72 years olds by the way. My girl really enjoyed it and she actually does a shoot once in a while. She likes dressing up in themes and make-up and so on...
She did tell me there was a bikini shoot once but we don't talk about it that much cause I'm not into fashion/photography

Last time i went to pick her up from the latest shoot. I walk into his hobby room and see several pictures of my girl naked or topless.
Sure everything was covered with a hand of shadow and so on. (No naked pics in the literal sense)
But she must have been naked while taking them and living from pose to pose in front of him...
Back home I confronted her about this. She became mad, and started crying at me because I was jealous at a 72 year old guy, that his wife had no issues with it and so on... That she never did nude photography as we agreed. and that I was trying to take away that she really enjoyed and that i'm not her property who can say what she does.
I felt really bad after she broke down and i apologised.
Is it weird to be jealous about this?

I think a lot of it was it seeing my girl draped on his wall. For some reason I saw that more as a trophy then a nice picture. Am I possesive?

Updates

+1 y

So she did ask you do a shoot in more risky lingerie/nude.

I was a bit hesitant at first but I tried to get over it and agreed to it. I'm going to try to be more supportive of her hobby.

[Jessica405]

You are right to be upset and angry. I could have told you how this would progress. From innocent shoots, to bikini shots, then topless and finally (?) Nude. I put the question marks in because it may not end there! It is quite possible there was a hidden, or even not so hidden, video camera!

If I were a guy and my partner did this, I would dump her on the spot. You can bet your life that this guy ain't gonna stop until he has persuaded her into porn vids, EVEN WITH HIS WIFE JOINING IN!

[Jessica405]

Also, your fiancee is going into attack against you because she KNOWS she has betrayed you. Attack is a good way of defending herself!

[Asker]

It's interesting you say this as this was one of my worries (this going for more altough thebporn seems a bit far fetched no?)
Because honestly my girl has always been pretty apprehensive with pics. I mean some holiday shots in bikini. But even after a 7 year relationship she never sent nudes.

But she thinks he's old and old school, he doesn't have an online presence and so on. And this is one of the reasons She was more Willing to do risky shots.

She also feels she never did nude and therefore didn't break our agreement.

But this Guy is from our neighbouring town. None of them are really big. I've actually tried to find a bit out about him bit my girl thinks i'm crazy.

[Jessica405]

She must have been nude! In my opinion that is cheating! Old school? He is just a pervert. Plain and simple!

[Jessica405]

Believe me, being persuaded to do porn is a natural follow-on. As we say, little by little, it goes from innocence to porn. Once there is that thrill, there is no turning back

[Asker]

She doesn't regard it as nude as the pictures themselves don't show bare nudity.
But indeed She was nude during a large part of that shoot.

[Asker]

Now you make me worry actually it can't be that easy?

I mean it's also not like the Guy is an adonis. He's old and not in great shape.

But i'm not gonna lie, some poses completely Naked maybe show nothing on photo because it's a side shot. Some of those poses must've been pretty revealing if you look at them from other ways.

But she feels like i'm printing An old man in a bad light without proof

[Jessica405]

The photos are nothing compared to that hidden vid cam. Maybe the wife was controlling the vid cam with NFC, and zooming in. Sorry, but it happens, even though your girl doesn't know.

[Asker]

That had to be painting*

[Asker]

They don't seem that tech savvy honestly

[Jessica405]

Older guys are the worst. They use their age as a weapon. "Oh! I am a harmless old man!"

[Asker]

I feel like you're feeding into my wordt nightmares lol

[Asker]

And i don't Mean that in a bad way. It's many of the things are the things i fear for the most while i then try to reason it myself. In a way it's good to confront myself like this.

But i feel like i can't go in with these accusations with my girl as she Will protect him and view me as possesive. Also my girl has never given me reason to think she is cheating

We had a fight about it already and now she's doing another shoot

I'm scared over reacting Will push her more to it to try to prove she is right.

[Jessica405]

Your course of action is up to you. I am just warning you, and pointing out that this is cheating, as it is all being done without your full knowledge and approval.

[Asker]

Yea this is my issue.
I'm scared telling het to stop Will have the reverse effect.
But ketting it continue doesn't sit to right either.
I guess if it doesn't go further the damage has already been done

[Jessica405]

You would not be a control freak in saying what is the right thing to do. So just tell her now that it all stops for good. Tell her that she has crossed that red line already, and if she wants you to stay with her, she must stop. No negotiations. She WILL stop.

For me, I would never have allowed it to start. This guy is just using her insecurity by flattering her with compliments. I would have dumped her for being untrustworthy.

[Asker]

I'll try to have the conversation and explain how is see it

[Jessica405]

I hope it works out ok. I have a feeling you will never know the truth.

[Asker]

She did insist they only have doen a few pics like that and she covers herself up as much as possible between shots.

She doesn't really see anything wrong with it.
Maybe i'm making it to big in my head.

But i feel like you think more has already happened

[Jessica405]

The issue is that she did it without you knowing and, even worse, without your agreement. She would probably never have told you, so it is fair to assume you will never be told the truth. You could, I guess, insist on being there for future shoots, but that would be agreeing to this situation carrying on indefinitely. She HAS cheated in as much as she has been nude with another guy, which is something sexual, without your knowledge and agreement. She might never have told you.

Please don't let this go any further. It is too late to stop the nudity that has already happened, but you should prevent it escalating.

[Asker]

But it's difficult to make her see it that way.

She's very convinced she did nothing wrong at all, that she kept to our agreement.

[Bugiman]

And like you said much more could have happend...

[Billie6678]

Wow you're really making it worse. If course he wouldn't immediatly start with nude pics.
The girl has never done this before. She has to slowly get comfortable.

Apparently she is comfortable and enjoying herself, why can't he be happy for her?

[Jessica405]

@Billie6678 Are you so insensitive you cannot accept she did it without his knowledge? Without any approval? Sure! It went from innocent clothed shots to bikini shots to nude shots. Where do you think it will end up going? I guess you are not in modelling or photography of models.

[Billie6678]

I also started with it a bit in covid. Boring times you know... Just for personal use but it's nice

[Billie6678]

The situation is reasonable similar and i haven't got any issues so far

[Bugiman]

I see your so went to nude shoots, i gotta say watch out this girl might be on to something.
He seems to keep pushing it further.
Also now he has nude photo's. Maybe video, do they tape the shoots?

[Jessica405]

@Bugiman Usually video cams on all the time. Why waste an opportunity? The more these guys can get "in the can", the happier they are.

[Bugiman]

I wonder if these nude pics are also on this guy his wall so he can brag to his old friends lol. He has those now for ever. They are probably even his since he took them. (Like from a legal pov)
And it's actually pretty common that there is a camera rolling during shoots. So i wouldn't be surprised about that either.
It's his choice i guess.

[Jessica405]

@Bugiman Sure. He owns the copyright. He can do a lot with them!

[Asker]

@Bugiman we have a verbal agreement that he won't use them.
Yes he had a camera during some shoots... So? Like you said yourself it's common.

You guys are reading too much into it. I was also a bit hesitant with the more expliciet nude shoots/erotic shoots. But i have even been present and he always shows the pics if i want to see.

[Jessica405]

What happens to the pics? Who has access to them? Is it a private archive?

The big question is why!! What does he get from all this?

[Asker]

He gets to do his hobby.

[Jessica405]

Seeing your wife naked? Some hobby!

[Asker]

No photography...
Yea ok so what he sees her naked, that was a bit weird at first but i got used to it. I want to support her.
Once during a lingerie shoot, the cup of her bra was wrong but because she was in pose he changed that for her, touching her breast a little with the back of his hand. I was a bit weirded out as well. But my girlfriend told me that happends sometimes even in pro shoots. And if it was weird he wouldn't have done that while i was there.

[Jessica405]

You really are being taken for a ride!

[Asker]

No I'm not, we talk about it a lot. Just so i know everything is ok.

[Asker]

I guess you were right...

[Jessica405]

What happened? 🤔😢

[Asker]

They were doing an erotic shoot, she had a bit to drink before to get some courage. They were going for something like her in front of him on her knees. He was dressed tho she was topless. it was supposed to represent maledominance in society or some bs with his wife taking the pics.
She started talking her and when she looks back in front he had his thing out. She says he then sort of pushef her head down and she didn't really stop it. After a couple minutes she stopped and then he masturbated and finished on her face (she says his wife begged her for that. She always she said she hates that and tought it was too humiliating and never let me do that, but now she met him do that..)

I don't know what to believe. He has it on tape even.

[Jessica405]

I am so sorry! I knew this would happen. Seen it all before. Your choice on the next move. What does your partner say about it?

[Asker]

she says she regrets it and it shouldn’t have happened… we actually broke up after this. Haven’t really replied because of that.

We still talk, and I really miss her.
In a way I want her back but also can’t.
Yet we still talk, text,…

But she also still talks to the guy…
She says she just wants to stay friendly cause she is worried about the tape. Which I sort of get. I’ve even helped her with some research if he could use it.

But still… I honestly don’t know I sort of want her back but this is all so messed up it seems impossible

[Jessica405]

I feel so sad about all this. I know how easy it is to get to get lulled into this false sense of "I won't get too involved". She fell into that trap that so many fall into. There is an old saying, "Softly, softly, catchee monkey". He played it slow and bagged his prize, sadly at your expence.

I just hope some good can come out of all this. She has left herself open to blackmail. I think I said that months ago. You can't control what happens to vids or pics once you let someone take them or sent them yourself.

Although this was bad, it could have been much worse. I knew this guy and his wife were not to be trusted.

[Asker]

I know this is late but a bit of an update.
We actually did end up together again.

It took a lot and even some more stuff happened but we were able to actually put it behind us now and move forward.

[Jessica405]

I am so pleased for you. I hope she has stopped all this stuff. You are way more forgiving than me!

[Biancae]

Honestly yes, I think you are being possessive. The fact that she enjoys posing says nothing about whether she loves you or would ever cheat on you. They have nothing to do with each other. I think you should see her point of view and understand that as much as you guys are in a relationship, her body belongs to her and her only. I would have been upset if my partner wanted to check on what I do during shootings, if there I need to be watched it means that there is no trust at all.

[Asker]

I wasn't checking i was invited in while waiting.

This is my doubt aswell, if i'm overreacting or not.
So you think I should not make a fuss about it?

And what if suddenly he asked to do full nude photography, and she agreed. And then ask me if I'm ok with it? Can i draw a line there then?

I dot want to make her decisions but we're in it together

[Biancae]

Oh I'm sorry i misread about the checking on thing. However, well, I know quite a few people who do pose nude and are at the same time in committed relationships, they're serious and intelligent people and so on. Doing stuff like this boosts your ego without necessarily harming anyone, and if you get paid that's even nicer. I think if you can appreciate the fact that this makes her happier, you would benefit from it. She's not doing it for the old dude, she's doing this for herself. Of course, if you feel uncomfortable about this you should respect your own feelings and decide what is best for you and whether you can live with this. But that is where you have agency: you can chose whether you want to be with her or not, bit you can never chose (in my opinion) how much she shows her body.

[Asker]

Well I never even thought about leaving her cause i lean we've been together a long time. And maybe cliché i want to spend my life with her (hence marriage coming up)

And honestly i know this guy isn't really the reason i'm jealous. No offence but he's not much to worry about. This is why i questioned myself. It's more the fact i guess someone else saw her naked. But yea that is her choice..

Dang you might be right. I wouldn't leave her for sure. It's not like a big thing like the pictures aren't online of in magazines.

She is not getting payed. He has offered her something but she rejected as the pictures are meant as a hobby and not to spread/sell. And she don't feel right about taking money for it. (She uses a lot of pics for social media aswell, regular ones)

[connemara_crocodile]

I don't think that's possessive at all. She hid something from him, that's not good if you're about to get married.
Is not something she was doing before, is something she started doing with him, so why to hide parts of what she does? That's not a good sign of a trusting relationship.

Imagine the opposite, your fiancee starts doing photography as a hobby, and you find out later he's been doing artistic photoshoots of naked women. Sure, it's his hobby and you should trust him, but he shouldn't have omitted that bit of the story.

[Biancae]

@connemara_crocodile my guess is that this depends on the prior setting of the relationship. I personally couldn't care less if my boyfriend saw other women naked or if he was naked in front of other women, it's just nudity, sexuality is a very different things. But my guess is that she didn't mention because she anticipated resistance. and in my view that resistance is not justified so I think I see her point. I personally would rot inside if I had to hide something that I want to do in order to avoid arguments, but I guess that's where she came from

[Asker]

@connemara_crocodile
And she also strongly feels she don't surpass the boundaries.

We've talked about it, and she said she willem je more upfront. But she truly feels that as long there is no visual nudity, it's not nude photography.
She says she so far has always kept in line of what she said

[Biancae]

I'm glad you guys are working this out!

[Asker]

That had to be will be more upfront* autocorrect ☹️
When i found out I also told her she couldn't do the next one as it was nightwear.
But after reading a bit here, I told her she could do as long she felt good about it.

Still not sure what I would do if she asks about nudity but I don't think that question will come.

[Bugiman]

Like i said in other comment. Do watch out for this. Some nightwear (sheer) could be way more revealing then a topless person with her arms in front of her breasts.

[Asker]

@Bugiman but i don't want to always be like that.
I have to be able to trust she can make good decisions on her own. Or i'll always be worried

[connemara_crocodile]

I think you shouldn't feel jealous about that, but she should tell you, the same way you should tell her if you were to so the same.
Ye're about to get married now, you're not single anymore. Hiding things like this damage trust.
I think you're right in being a little bit angry. Or at least disappointed.

[Asker]

Saw this later, my reply on the other persons opinion can be applied here aswell

[Asker]

But you might be right I have to keep my jealousy under control

[OlderAndWiser]

Your reaction is quite understandable, particularly if you talked about nudity in advance. I'm not saying anything inappropriate happened, but a 72 year old guy is still capable of slipping the salami into a woman.

[Asker]

But she feels she didn't breaknour agreement. Because there was no nude photography.

And she also says that in netwerk poses she covered herself and so on.

[OlderAndWiser]

If she didn't violate your trust, why is it that you only found out when you went in and saw the photos? Why didn't she come home and tell you?

[Asker]

Her idea in this is that they pictures aren't nude.

For example she says i don't mind she has a picture from holiday where she is topless (but with her back to camera) this is true but this type of picture is pretty Common in social media.

I actually had to agree with her on that cause i didn't have issues with it.
She says that is the same as she is also Naked but nothing is visible.

[OlderAndWiser]

Isn't the problem that she was prancing around naked in front of the photographer and not the photos? Suppose she did this photo shoot and, due to some technical problem, all of the photos were lost. . . but you found out about it because she told you. Wouldn't you still be upset? Or are you okay with that?

It sounds like she is using the content of the photos to distract attention away from her naked cavorting for the photographer.

[Asker]

Well i must admit that was more my first reaction. How is imagined it. She herself says it did 't go down like that. That she was very careful and covered herself as much as possible between poses

[OlderAndWiser]

She also did not come home and tell you about it. Why not? She should certainly know that is something you would want to hear about. She probably didn't tell you because she was concerned about how you would react. . . and that indicates that she knew it would not be okay with you.

[Asker]

Well her reasoning is that because it was within the rules it wasn't necessary to mention it. Also i have not shown much interest in photoshoots, so she didn't think i would be interested in it

[OlderAndWiser]

It sounds like she is playing a word game saying it "technically" didn't violate the rules when she knew that it would bother you. Bad precedent here.

[OlderAndWiser]

If there is a next time, how would you want her to handle it? Or suppose she was out of town and friends invited you to a night time party that turned into skinny dipping. Would you feel okay doing that in front of other women when your girlfriend was not present? How would she react if she later learned what had happened?

[Asker]

I guess if i could choose i would rather have her not do nearly naked pics. So she simply declines. But also that she does that of herself not cause i said so.

Also maybe the small swimwear and such

[OlderAndWiser]

How you two resolve this conflict sets the tome for how you disclose things and how you handle conflicts in the future. Are you happy with this?

[Asker]

Well she did say she would now always mention it to me as she now knows that i found it difficult.

Like they were talking about a shoot with nightwear, and she did tell it to me now. So that is much better

[OlderAndWiser]

The most important thing is that you both learn some lessons from the experience and feel more confident about each other moving forward.

[Asker]

That's true, I guess this has become somewhat of a hobby for her since covid. I don't want to take it away either.

She will tell me now before so we can talk and agree.
In return i told her the nightwear was ok, don't want too look to controlling either.

[Bugiman]

What is nightwear by the way?

[Asker]

@Bugiman this would be lingerie.
I'm not a native English speaker

[OlderAndWiser]

Has she identified for you how revealing the lingerie will be? If you are talking about a sheer thong and a see-through baby doll, then that is almost nude.

[Bugiman]

Ok just to check, that can be pretty revealing too
A lot of thongs (sometimes basically 2 small pieces of fabric)
A slingshot lingerie can be extremely small, and a lot (most) of lingerie is sheer fabric
I mean it could very well be the Guy gets a better view with this then a topless girl covering up her breasts.
Because she feels clothed she will cover herself up less between shots. She might also be open to more explicit poses

[Asker]

Well the guy was going to supply it.
So no not really

But she said i could see the pics aswell

[Bugiman]

Ok fair enough, but I would put boundaries (like discuss for example no sheer fabric) before she leaves. (If I'm not too late yet)
Ok that might be difficult with lingerie, but no sheer at the private parts for example. Maybe also the type of poses.

[Asker]

@Bugiman she's already in her way, but I think she will know that

[superrmatt]

I think you are possesive, yes. But I also believe it is human to feel the way you do. If she did a nude phitoshoot and hid it from you? That is shady. Seems to me, if you two don't work this out, it will fester horribly.
Tell her bow you feel, if she reacts emotionally, be the de-escalating force.

[Asker]

We talkeds about this a bit. I told her how I feel.
She agrees that she should have been more specific about what was going on. Altough we agreed on no nudes as a rule when we begun and she feels she kept to that rule.

She wants to keep doing these, but says it will never go nude.

[Jessica405]

Can you really trust her? Look how it has gone so far!

[Billie6678]

Yea you're very possesive, you said yourself there is no nudity on picture. So what did she do wrong?
I feel this is typical male behavior. Trying to control what she does. Most men would be happy if they get some attention and appreciation.

If a girl gets it she is a...

You should actually only worry if it makes her happy, that's the real question.

[Jessica405]

Without the guys agreement? She WAS NAKED with another guy! C'mon! That is not on, is it. Control doesn't come into it. It is just common decency to at least inform your guy. This nudity with another guy is cheating!

[Billie6678]

@Jessica405 she was covering herself up...
Does she has to ask permission to go go the doctor aswell?

[Jessica405]

That is different, and you know it. You also know damned well that there are times between shots when everything shows.

But the issue here is that she went behind his back. She DIDN'T tell him until he saw the pictures. Do you honestly think that is a good basis for a future marriage? Keeping secrets?

[Billie6678]

@Jessica405 a slip can happen during a bikini shot aswell, and he didn't mind that

[Jessica405]

Unlikely to happen. Change in a room. Bikini on. Doesn't come off until back in the changing room.

[Billie6678]

@Jessica405 now think they same bit with a bikini made with your arm

[Jessica405]

Lol! Have you tried it?

[Billie6678]

@Jessica405 yeah, you?

[Jessica405]

Sure have! It is probably mentioned a few times on GAG.

[Billie6678]

@Jessica405 then you should know it's not impossible, maybe more difficult that's all
In completely naked shots it would be very difficult because you basically always need both hands

But the photographer van also turn around until you're in position!

[Jessica405]

We are getting away from the issue. lt was done without his knowledge and agreement. That is plain wrong!

[Billie6678]

@Jessica405 but the deal was no nude photography. Covered up photography isn't nude photography.

[Avicenna]

You have to decide if that's acceptable to you, but the vast majority of guys would find that unacceptable

[Asker]

I was starting to doubt myself

[KrakenAttackin]

Women turn on the waterworks and project when they want to throw their men off balance.

Would she be comfortable with you (almost) nude modeling for a random 70 year old woman and her husband?

Didn't think so.

[bellybuttonlint]

I would not marry a girl like that. I mean, who does that when she is about to be married?

[Xtendable]

My partner did it. It just needs a lot of communication and understanding

[Iron_Man]

If she model that’s OK then

[Asker]

Yea it's modeling but still...

[Iron_Man]

As long as it’s not nudity unless you’re afraid people are going to hit on her

[Iron_Man]

If you make her quit because of that she’s going to have a fit Especially if she’s getting paid

[Asker]

The pictures themselves are covered (like with her hands) but she is Naked sturing the shoot sometimes

[Iron_Man]

Well that’s not too good

[Iron_Man]

Just tell her you don’t want her doing that kind of stuff Unless she’s fully closed or in a bathing suit

[Asker]

I'll try too

[Billie6678]

He's not her Boss lol, what if she wants to do it?

[Jessica405]

@Billie6678 Then the askershould let her do it, then find another girl. Easy answer! Nude modelling, by your assertion, is more important than the relationship. So let her do it on her own. Go find a decent girl!

[Billie6678]

@Jessica405 I find it hard to believe you can really love someone but not get over such a small thing

[Arumin_Ian]

U have all the right.

[Arumin_Ian]

And girls cry to manipulate you. As husband of course you have the right to set limits. If she behaves like porn model then it affects you too. If she likes her nudes being taken, you should be the one taking them.

[Anonymous]

why did she lie or not tell you she did that then?

[Asker]

She feels she never lied about anything