Am I wrong to call my girlfriend out on manners?

[thesinisterurge]

So my girlfriend doesn't cook, so I do all of the cooking. Which is fine, but I would say only half the time do I even hear her say thank you. When I ask how it is she gives quick deadpan responses like "it's fine". She also looks miserable as she's rating it. I had a talk with her that it bothers me she doesn't always say thank you. She claims that she does & that I don't hear her because she's soft spoken. On Saturday night after having this big talk Friday I cook for her & once again get no thank you. So I got mad at her & told her that even after our conversation I still get no thank you. Once again she claimed she said it but I didn't hear. I told her that her effort isn't good enough then. She should make sure I actually hear her. She stormed off crying & we haven't talked or text in a day. Am I crazy for just asking for basic manners from her?

[Effably]

You are not crazy for expecting or wanting it. You are somewhat crazy for thinking that instructing your girlfriend to say please and thank you at the dinner table will be a good move for a relationship.

Alternate solution? Assuming you have split tasks, start showing appreciation for the part she does. If you cook for an hour a day and she cleans or something, that is equal effort and you both deserve to be appreciated for the teamwork.

So, instead of demanding appreciation, show it. Builds teamspirit. Unsurprisingly if it works in a sportsteam, it also tends to work at home. People become more vibrant and willing to show appreciation, genuinely not forced, when feeling appreciated in turn.

If a mutually beneficial solution isn't your thing and you just want her to thank you.. split the cooking. Its a bit petty but ultimately she will learn to cook, which is a positive, and with that comes a natural appreciation for what goes into it, and the results of that.

[thesinisterurge]

We don't actually live together. When she shows up she always expects to be fed too lol. Which I don't care, I'd just like a thank you. Also note I pay for at least 80% of what we do as well.

[Effably]

Yeah no worries. What you want is perfectly reasonable. It just isn't realistic to force it or expect it to happen without a change.

I personally dislike cooking but do like cooking together with people. Perhaps she'd enjoy that? The only really feasible solutions I see are encouragement or shifting it so she cooks sometimes/more.

But if you tell her to say thank you, you are very much killing the joy in your relationship. You can actually force momentary thankfulness or thankfulness for a singular task. For a small task each day? Neh, needs to be willing.

[Ariesman81]

You've allowed it to become an expectation. You did good. Make her pay for your above and beyond treatment of her.

[HollyK21]

I guess what I don’t understand is why you’re beating the cremated ashes of a dead horse. You already know that your girlfriend isn’t going to thank you for each meal or go into detail about how she did or didn’t like the meal. That’s just not her, and you know this now, so why keep doing what you’re doing which is basically strong arming her into submission with guilt trips, arguments and bashing her? Why not just accept who she is or let her go if she isn’t doing what you want?


How you handled that last argument was so disrespectful and mean because no, she doesn’t have to do better — YOU do. Like you don’t have to make a single meal for this woman and honestly maybe you shouldn’t if her response (or lack of) triggers you to acting how you do towards her.

[HollyK21]

Also you are not just “asking” for simple manners anymore, but have turned it requirement otherwise she gets bashed.

[serious]

No, you are not wrong here.

[lonelygalexy]

No, definitely not.. Yes, hrrmmm.

[GuybrushFunkwadd]

No man

[Heusus]

Ya, it's wrong