Would you date an "ex con"?

[Anonymous]

OK so here it goes. I've met a lot of people online...all "respectable" and from all walks of life. However, most recently I met a man who told me that he had been incarcerated for eight long years. He completed parole and significant time has passed. He is no longer "on paper". He has worked at the same job for ten years or longer. He lives in a nice neighborhood and in a very nice home (similar to the "reputable" people who I have met). Not that those materialistic things mean much, just trying to paint a picture of his life now. He seems to be a very nice man. Unlike the other men that I have met, he is pretty respectable towards me and reciprocates feelings (doesn't give me the impression that it's all about sex). However, he still has some tats that reflect his past so he kind of gives people the impression that he "looks like a con" and has openly acknowledged his past and how people view him. He seems to have moved on and created a good life. However, there are some discrepancies such as the fact he has a medical marijuana card and uses it on occasion. In addition, he has at least one friend who is incarcerated and some of his family is a little questionable (based off of what he has told me...my opinion). Since he was incarcerated in the state we live in...former Correction Officers have stopped and talked to him telling him how happy they are to see he has "stayed out" (at least fourteen years). However, I also work for Department of Corrections which makes me stop and think also. I am not a corrections officer and since he is no longer "on paper" a friendship or more would not get me into trouble...however, I'm a little anxious about the situation. Any advice?

[rtri1]

There is an old saying in India, "Raja any gami te rani, bhale chhana vinati aani", meaning whoever the kind chooses to be his queen is the queen regardless of her humble background.

So there is nothing wrong from theoratical perspective of dating an ex-con.

Now let's get to the practical side, you already did mention the reservations you have had, discrepancies which reflect to lies and deciet, not good.

Him being stopped by correctional officers even to just tell him they are happy to see he has stayed out, again not good in my personal opinion. A normal person doesn't need to be pulled over by any authority for anything but traffic violation. So the fact that they know him means even if there is a copy-cat crime for whatever reason he was incarcerated, he has a very high potential of being a suspect, you got to ask yourself, do you want that drama and attention in your life, and even though it's all fine today, god forbid and which I hope he never does get in trouble, everything you worked all your life is on the line.

So are you sure you can't find that respectable demeanor and approach in any other guy except this ex-con.

At the end of the day it's your life and your choice, but remember "The choices you make, decides the life you live."

It would be a concious and knowledgable choice on your part to accept this person with his past including his potential and ease at which he has committed the crime before (I am assuming he wasn't innocent when incarcerated) tells you that he has crossed the line in the past which by any psychological standards make it easier for him to cross it again as opposed to someone who has never crossed the line.

Before you loose yourself too much to a point of no return in matters of heart, hope you give a rational thought to all these aspects and weigh all the positive and negative, if you can come up with a small 2 column table and try write them down to help you come to a rational decision.

Again I do understand and acknowledge that there is no real good choice in a situation like this because you are judging someone for their potential negativity without any negative present flaw of a person based on his past, which is not fair but you don't need to be fair when it comes to matters of your life and saftey.

[Asker]

The C.O.s shake his hand ect...they have been positive...but they remember him from incarceration. I did meet "two" friends yesterday whom he works with...one being his supervisor but I know that still isn't enough. I also know that criminogenic risk factors/belief systems are hard to break! I am also aware of perception...and yes there are others whom I'm sure that I can date that are just as nice...its just a rock/hard place because there is good also.

[rtri1]

No one doubts, discounts or devalues the good, however the fact is we know for certain there was evil & bad too, other than the good that is apparent.

Now we don't if there is no evil in others but we know for sure this m an had it in him for which law felt the need to lock him up for the said period for the saftey of the society. Now he has been successful in keeping the evil deep down burried inside him for 14 years since out but do you want to bet your life that he can supress his past ?

[Asker]

I agree and appreciate the advice so much! I just needed some more perception. Some people will be skeptical because of his past, why I can't talk to anyone I know about it. You are right though, potential can still exist for negative behavior. I told him earlier that I'd like to get to know him better and be "friends". I figure that is a safer ground and gives zero expectation for more or at least nothing I can't back out of easily.

[rtri1]

The greatest threat would be an inappropriate or unproportionate response when expectations are not managed. And even if you are married to the person, and mother of his child, would he have decency so you can just walk away if you didn't want the relationship or come after you and while someone without a past like that resorts to family law courts, it's a lot more easy for someone with a background who knows that he gets only 3 months jail time for domestic violence or nothing for threaten life.

[Asker]

You're right...my "uh oh" feeling is starting to arise...because I got to know him a little bit...I have discounted far too much at this point. I need to be very cautious. I probably need to let this situation slowly fade away...I'm going to have to use a lot of tact. I even closed my online dating account...thank you for all of your advice!

[JackWSmith]

He was in jail for eight years and he's been out for fourteen. It sounds like he might be a little too old for you. But I think there is something impressive in the journey. A wealthy man who was born wealthy is not nearly as impressive as a man who did it himself. This man was born into a criminal family and it sounds like he's really worked things out. That's impressive.

Besides just because you date somebody doesn't mean you're married to him. You can break it off with him if you want. But pay real close attention to everything. Look for trash that still lingers around in his life. Look at his friends. He might have one or two childhood friends from the bad neighborhood, but look at his friends a a group. He can't really be friends with someone if they have nothing in common. If all his friends are criminals he's a criminal. And remember, you don't go to jail for eight years for smoking weed or getting into a scuffle. Eight years is a long time to go to prison. You need to find out what he did. I don't mean ask him. I mean find out.

Take him around your family and your friends. They are going to have objections, but if they say something that you haven't thought of, pay attention. I was buddies with a criminal who I thought was cool. Everyone told me that he looked like a thief. I thought they were nuts. Well, he broke into my house one night and stole a whole bunch of money from me.

[Curmudgeon]

THIS. Jack is right. You must find out the whole story.

[Asker]

Thank you for your honesty and being rationale. I agree, I respect him because he has made a life for himself. However, you are right on your other points too...he "told" me what happened but I should try to find out more. He acknowledged to me that most people do "go back"...I've learned that recidivism is around 52%. I'd hate to judge people for their past but there could be potential still lingering due to ingrained belief systems and values. I acknowledge that as well.

[JackWSmith]

People from the wrong side of town have different values. I hate to be prejudiced but I have put in my time with them. To them, if they want to do something, but they don't because it's a bad idea, that makes them weak. To them, a real man does what he wants and doesn't care about the consequences. That could come out one night and surprise the hell out of you. You need to watch him.

[Asker]

Yes you are right...different belief systems. I have heard him use the term "Im a real man"...I should have know better. I have much "experience" in my field...but now I work in an entirely different area/field...I just was "hoping" and wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt. I didn't know that he had been incarcerated until after I went to dinner with him. Honestly, had I known before, I wouldn't have. But then, I thought...well...maybe its ok...but...maybe not.

[JackWSmith]

Follow your instincts. If you are not sufficiently interested to take the risk then you should not. If you feel otherwise then do so, but be wary. Don't assign attributes he does not have.

[Pedantic]

Psychologically what is the difference between a policeman and a convict?

None. One just became crook, the other became a cop.

If he was in for murder, I think he is OK. The repeat-offense rate of murderers is extremely low. In many cases, barring psychopaths of course, the victim sometimes even had it coming to them even though that doesn't justify the crime. On TV we often see how the mean murderer killed poor granny widow and yes there are heinous things like that out there, but often times its just a gang-banger with an attitude who is now one less gang-banger in the world. Thanks?

A crime of high likelihood of repeat offense are sexual crimes. Crimes against women or children. Stay the hell away if he was involved in any of that. Having neither women or children in his life may be the reason he hasn't repeated those offenses yet, but it could happen later on with you. Again, don't touch sex offenders.

If it was drug related, its iffy. He does know how to get marijuana legally with his card, so he's smart about it. I doubt he would do 8 years though for a joint. He would of had to been a large supplier or something to get slammed that hard.

He's probably too polite to tell those corrections folks to GTFO every time a similar crime happens, but I've heard it actually helps -- done more politely but sternly also. He's done his time and he has been clean for a long time, and they got no business harassing him. He needs to stand up for himself to them. He can empathize that they are just trying to stop crime, but he's not the guy, and he's not going to be the guy, and they can just stop coming around.

The only real reservation I would actually have is that he is open about having been a con. If he keeps telling everyone that everywhere he goes, it won't look good for him or you.

Would you date an "ex con"? Probably a better question for the girls to answer, actually :)

[Asker]

He has one child who is almost 18 who is graduating from high school this year. He separated from the mom when he was younger. He has been single for one year. He ended a long term relationship with a woman who he was with since after incarceration.

[Pedantic]

Actually due to Megan's laws and sex offender registries and things like that, you could very quickly find out if it was a sex offense or not. It sounds like not, but pretty much anyone with an internet connection has access to that information.

[Prof_Don]

Imo, I would say to research the guy and see what he was locked up for. Especially since you may access to info, that the average person may not, because of your occupation.

Was he in for drug trafficing? Domestic violence? Rape? Possessing an illegal weapon? Assault? Grand theft auto?

See my point? The fact alone that he's been incarcerated isn't enough info. Dive into his records and see what his story is.

Then, from that point on, use your female instinct to figure out the rest. TRUST YOUR GUT. On paper he seemed like he turned his life around.

That is all. :)

[JackWSmith]

Yeah, I know a guy who beat someone half to death, was convicted of attempted murder, and went to jail for three years. So I would hope that someone who went to jail for almost three times longer, did something substantially worse. Otherwise, our system doesn't make sense.

[Asker]

His story was that someone came up and hit him...he turned around and hit him. The guy fell back, hit his head on something, and went into a coma...not very nice...I'm starting to feel stupid now. I didn't realize he had been incarcerated until after I went to dinner with him. At that point, I liked him as a person for the short time that I got to know him. I appreciate the other perspective, makes me think a little more. I feel so bad now...

[Curmudgeon]

Are you here in California?

[Asker]

No...

[Curmudgeon]

I asked because here you can find out about an ex-con if you work at the Department of Corrections. When you brought up the medical marijuana situation I thought you might be in this state.

That said, find out more about his crime, incarceration, etc.

[Anonymous]

I'm not too sure