What does a modern douche bag look like?

Question

I need to buy new clothes and I need to know what not to do.

I''m not up to the times, so I understand the American Eagle looking douche bag, and the Jersey shore type. But I hear there are other types like the hipster ones, and swag ones. I don't understand current fads. please help thx :)

johnnysmoke · Accepted Answer

I don't know if this will help, given the stereotype and my perceived general perception (if that makes sense) that women are attracted to 'jerks' (replace with your negative noun of choice)... but the Modern Douchebag (uncleanlius modernus) is better experienced than studied. Not only on clothing is a Douchebag based, as there are many different varieties. My Douche Detector (DD) has been honed to the point of razor-sharp douche-felling power; but short of hiring myself out to follow you around and alert you to when you and/or others are acting like a Douche, there are a few tips I can dispense... the final one, however, is the most important:

1) Work in Retail and/or Customer Service. This does NOT include call centers. To get an accurate Modern Douche sample, the specimen must be both seen and heard. A larger sample base will ensure extensive exposure to the MD.

2) Sniff often. More than clothing, the MD can be discovered by the nose. Many times, the MD will be wearing a cheap imitation of a great cologne. Rarely is this undetectable. Even the most histamine-resistant noses will want to spasm at the slightest exposure to imitation English Leather.

3) Observe the walk. A straight, springy walk is the sign of one well on his way to NON-Douchedom. On the other hand, should you walk with 'swagger', 'finesse', or a 'strut', you should re-evaluate your bipedal transport style, and perhaps search on Google for 'how to walk properly.' [Side note: sounds ridiculous, but you actually SHOULD check this..]

4) Watch for gratuitous slang. If you hear a white man that sounds like he is from rural Atlanta, ask yourself: is this man indeed from rural Atlanta, or at least anywhere in the deep south? Did he grow up in an urban center? If still uncertain, ask CORI, 'Does this man have any criminal history?' If yes, search said criminal history for the Unholy Trinity of Douchery: assault, rape, murder. And as in the Catholic church, finding one is finding all three.

5) If you say 'legit', and are not MC Hammer, you will have your ass kicked... by MC Hammer.

6) If you make either a Taylor Swift reference, or a Justin Bieber reference, and are neither Taylor Swift nor Justin Bieber, you shall have your ass kicked by both of the above.

***FINAL*** : After observing said Modern Douchebags, and realizing you are guilty of any of the above factors, do your best to realize the driving force behind the hatred thereof. Look in a mirror, examine your actions, and compare yourself to the Ideal Douche. If the Douchery Level is too high for you, take actions to reduce your douchery. This may include putting the muffler back on your Civic, showering more than once a week, adding sleeves to your wardrobe, abandoning veganism, or all of the above.

Good luck!

--JohnnyS

PS: Yes, sardonic and joking, but NOT entirely inaccurate. And stay the HELL away from Abercrombie... bastards.

Couter · Accepted Answer

Check out this guys Youtube Channel     He gives some pretty great advice when it comes to dressing sharp. Don't follow fads or fashion. They change constantly and you'll never be able to keep up. Even celebrities have teams of people figuring out what their next outfit is going to be. Go for some classic styles that will still look good 10 years from now. Skinny jeans, baggy sweaters and hipster glasses are fashion. Dark blue jeans, a collared shirt (polo or button), and a blazer is a style.

thegirlwithgreeneyes · Accepted Answer

It sounds like you've gotten a lot of helpful advice on here already, but I'll go ahead and throw my two cents in:

I think you should wear what you feel comfortable in, first and foremost. It's also important to wear clothes that actually fit you right. Super loose clothing and sagging jeans is extremely off-putting (makes you look like a douche). Likewise, try not to wear clothes that are clearly too small for you and look as though you should have thrown them out back in grade school.

A lot of the men in my hometown simply wore bootcut jeans with a semi-tight tee, so a pretty simple sense of style... As another girl said, and especially if your arms are on the nicer side, a dress shirt with jeans is nice to see on a man (sleeves rolled or unrolled).

Not sure how the guys are dressing where you live, but it is somewhat rare for me to come across a well-dressed man where I live, so I'm not really sure if you want to follow the current fads haha.

confugirl · Accepted Answer

Modern douche bags wear tight solid-colored shirts, shave the sides of their heads and show their abs all the time. On a more serious note, if you don't want to look like a douche bag, avoid these           and these          and this hair        and pull your pants up.

puplecard · Accepted Answer

You can't go wrong with Cargo shorts and just a plain shirt... Or I personally love it when a guy wears a dress shirt with jeans. Personally, I just go to goodwill and buy the clothes and mix with store bought clothes and you have the best budgeted outfits! Be creative tho!

Shpongolia · Answer

There is no precise douche bag attire.

Douche bags come from all kinds of subcultures. For example I know of: popped-collar douche bags, wife beater wearing douche bags, fratboy douche bags, redneck douche bags, hipster douche bags, nerd douche bags, ivy league douche bags, urban-ghetto douche bags, yuppie douche bags, environmentalist douche bags, church-going douche bags, emo douche bags, and more. But you get what I'm saying.

But I would say that the only brand labels that scream douche bag are Affliction and Tapout.

tomfeltonforever · Answer

Modern douche bag? I think there's two. 1) Orange spray tan, hair gel overload, gym rat, smells like the Axe factory exploded on them, disrespectful, and loud. 2) Complains about friend zone, hates women for wanting equal rights, wears fedora, says that he's nice but people hate him because he's too "nice", probably smells like cheetos

Vendrix · Answer

I think it matters more how you act in your clothes than how you dress. But generally if you dress nice when you are in polite company or comfortable but not ridiculous (T-shirt outside when hot, not bro-tank) you won't come off in a negative way.

I have always worn what I feel like wearing, but the way I interact with people and how I hold myself (posture) seems to work.

smilesgirl · Answer

My advice to you is buy something because you like it. Don't try to be or look like anything or anyone but yourself.

martyfellow · Answer

Anyone who comments on other people's attire in a deprecating way..regardless of what THEY are wearing..

Anyone who comments on women's breast sizes to other guys without being asked his or her opinion.

blackwaterhattie · Answer

Tapout, Ed Hardy, Affliction. Please... no. The madness has to stop.

kheserthorpe · Answer

Most of the hipsters around here look like emaciated lumberjacks.  A few dress instead like 1920's college chemistry professors.  I hope that's helpful.

lauramor · Answer

yeah hollister or American eagle. Other than that I don't like guys that wear chains and really baggy clothes.

Anonymous · Answer

The best way to not look like a douche bag is to avoid anything that falls into a category that could be described as a "fad"

Anonymous · Answer

is this where the uncool kids sit around and joke how everyone who dresses better than them are douches?  alrighty then lol

Anonymous · Answer

Don't but clothes from Hollister or Abercrombie and fitch.That's the frat boy douche bag. Your xper count number is...triple 6s! :o

Jamesthehuman · Answer

Flat bill hat. Baggy pants. Shirts that are too big...flat bill hats

Anonymous · Answer

Neon Ray-Ban Wayfarers, retro tank top, tight mid-thigh length shorts, Vans slip ons. Don't forget that ridiculous hipster-fied Duck's Ass haircut too.

Anonymous · Answer

I think being a douche bag is all depending how you act.

dommage · Answer

think somebody that seems as if he was cast in the jersey shore show

Anonymous · Answer

Abercrombie and fitch, hollister  Anything that Jewish preppy kids wear

SwissCheeze · Answer

LOL at this question.

wallflowervulpine · Answer

My ex-boyfriend

Anonymous · Answer

The hollister idiots

Anonymous · Answer

Abercrombie kids

Anonymous · Answer

Hollister

Anonymous · Answer

Abercrombie kids

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