If you ask and they don't say 'yes'. Is it worth it to ask if the answer is "yes" or "no" or do you just assume its a "no".. by default?

[Anonymous]

OK. I am confused. I would like some help. Please ;)

If you directly ask somone out. lik to a movi or coffee somthing clearly asking thm out and they don't say yes but thy don't say no.

Would you ask them to clarify what it is thy are saying?

Or would you just assume if they don't say yes thy are saying no by default and walk on?

I asked a guy i know reasonably well, if he wanted to go with me on my day off to a play. (he's a theater major, so he likes plays)

He looked at me kind of cocked his head and asked me why i was asking.. He almost seemed frustrated, or impatient. but thing is we spend tim together.

I dont understand. its as if he acts like he likes hanging out. So i treat him as if he acts like he likes hanging out. And he gets dismayed... Makes no sense.

i was so caught off guard i just said i was late and i had to go.

But what was i supposed to do? Say is that a 'no'? Or ask him what he means.

lol i man i asked him if he wanted to go with m bc i want to know if he wants to go.. I can't repeat that. IT would feel sort of humiliating. Really dumb. Its very obvious why i asked.

Why does anyone ask? bc you want to know if they are interested so you can move on if they are not.

Yes means green. No means Red.

Im new at this. and i was jut thinking im going to turn over a new leaf. IM going to ask out instead of being asked out I was excited, He really killed my buzz..

Is this a common thing i'm going to encounter? Guys asking what i mean when i ask them out?

I dont mind a NO. but c'mon guys whats with the interrogation.

Do i really need a reason? can't i just ask bc i feel like it?

Dp you hav to give Women reasons when you ask them out?

i thought i was doing a very simple thing lol

and I thought guys are supposed to be simple and direct...

Updates

+1 y

I would like to now to things.

1. What you would do in MY place (as a guy), If a girl reacted the way he reacted to me?

2. Why you think HE reacted that way?

-Thank you.

[Anonymous]

Why he reacted that way. Because it's so uncommon for a guy to be directly asked out that he likely assumes you aren't genuine or that there's some kind of ulterior motive. He may also have wanted YOU to clarify if it was romantic or platonic, not knowing what he'd be agreeing to.

As for a guy asking a girl, I keep pushing and pressing until I get a clear answer, but I tease when doing it, because if she was unsure, it could turn what would have been a no into a yes. No often times is just her being lazy and acting on reflex, so you have to get her having fun so she realizes she actually does want to go out. I don't think that would work with a guy, you asking out directly is already out of the norm. Probably you have to make it clear you're being genuine.

Just read your comments with another GaGer. Don't be judgmental of guys (you called him a coward). Not a good mindset to be in. You aren't entitled to a clear answer or to a date. If a girl isn't clear or tells me no, I was either not communicating well or she wasn't interested. Not her fault, it's mine, I have to improve. If you ask and you don't get the yes you want, same thing, not the guy's fault. You have to accept ambiguity and rejection with humility (and if you keep trying this, you'll find out you get rejected far more than you get accepted--welcome to the world of men, get used to it). You're being a touch immature about this.

What the other GaGer said is from a guy who's much older and probably projecting what he'd expect a woman who is used to being asked out to behave like (good advice, just may not apply). If that's the first time the guy was asked, he probably didn't know the right response. Yeah he could have answered better. But don't get angry at him, does you no good.

As for continuing being friends, I usually don't stay friends with people I ask out, too much effort. Stay civil, but you don't have to hang out.

[Opinion Owner]

Not to say his reaction wasn't poor. It was poor. But in your age group, most guys haven't really become socially smooth yet.

[Asker]

I wasn't calling him coward bc he didn't say yes. i sad several times id have welcomed a no.

you are right i was being presumptuous. but about him jus not responding directly bc he thought i couldnt handle it. not bc he wasn't interested. i dont mean i thought he WAS interested. i just mean, his possible lavk of interest is not what i had the problem with.

he made me feel really dumb for asking when he couldve just said no. then at least itd have been civil and respectful.

if he was a stranger it wouldn't matter but we know each other so its messed up... plus its not necessary relevant but I've always been direct when he's asked me out... it just seems id deserve the same courtesy.

but you are right. i was quick to judge. im not usually i was just really thrown bc. well we have been spending A LOT of tim together and he acts as if he likes me and he's always really nice. this is the first time he's been sort of rude. i over reacted.

[Opinion Owner]

So he asked you a few times and you said no? In that case when you asked him, I'd say his reaction was because he didn't think you were genuine, as I said. He may have thought you were making fun of him, a really good chance actually--he might have actually felt offended and acted as he did because of that. If a girl who had turned me down several times suddenly did that, I would have a hard time believing her. When a girl turns you down, she rarely changes her mind--and experienced guys don't wait around to find out if she does, they just meet a new girl. If I hadn't seen her in a year or two, we saw each other and then she asked, that's one thing, but if we'd continued hanging out, I'd have trouble believing she was interested.

Anyway, rejection is unfortunately just a part of the life. Sorry that it happened, it definitely sucks. But as I tell guys, you have to try not to take it personally, and don't think badly of the people who turned you down.

[Asker]

thanks. do you think its ok to say 'its ok to say no'.

(bc id really feel a lot better if its someone i know if they were not worried saying no would be abad thing... just makes everything easier to understand and move on from. )

[Opinion Owner]

And don't beat yourself up. Yeah, you were a little judgmental, but getting turned down does hurt, and you aren't used to being the one doing the approaching, so it's a new feeling for you. You can cut yourself some slack. And it's cool that you tried asking.

[Opinion Owner]

Oh, you posted while I was typing.

Yeah, it's ok to say that. I wouldn't confront him with it as it may be a bit sensitive right now, but just kind of sneak it into a conversation as a side comment, and if he feels like being direct then, then go ahead and be direct. You may also want to mention that when someone says no, it isn't personal, sometimes it's just timing. If he's still interested and you show that are genuinely interested (and not making fun of him, as he may have though), poking and prodding for a direct response, things might still be able to work out. I wouldn't count on it, but you never know.

[Asker]

oh, yeah i actually just meant 'at the time' in ase i ever have this kind of thing happen agin-hope not lol.

i dont intend to raise this with him. He was obviously uncomfortable. i dont think he's malicious if he could have handled it better he would have. i feel bad for getting so annoyed lol... i almost feel like apologizing for asking. i won't. dont worry. tats dumb. its just a feeling ;p...

anyhow im just going to let it rest. i guess if he decides i was serious and he wants to hang out ALONE he can let me know as i've sort of opened that door. its his ball.

though dk MAYBE some time after things calm down ill apologize for saying no. it wasn't 'him'. just a bad time

.. OHHH i see:) if i'd brought it up the way you suggested, it kind of covers all bases.. my understanding of him saying no simultaneously explaining i may have said no for non personal reasons as well.. clever ;)

[Opinion Owner]

I do try to be ;)

It may be worth trying. Give just a little time for things to cool down a bit then give it a shot, you never know, it may work. Whichever way it goes, at least you'll know. Fingers crossed for the best!

[Asker]

Thanks::;)

[kheserthorpe]

His reaction sucks.

I am trying to think why he said it. It's possible he was trying to ask if it was a date. Perhaps he would have answered differently depending on of it was.

But if that's the case what he did was not smooth.

[Asker]

Thanks.

if you were me... What would you say to the hypothetical girl?

Im mainly asking just to now how to get out of an awkward spot like that in the future. running off feels lousy, and its not always going to be practical.

im NOT really asking at this point to so if there's something better i could have done so he'd say 'yes' lol who needs him.

[JohnScofield787]

I think that if he wanted to go he would have said "Yes." So yes, move on.

I am sorry.

[Asker]

right. but why not just say no. why ask anything at all..

and what would you have said in that situation?

[Asker]

if you were me and he was a girl.

and does this happen a lot?

[Asker]

i dont mean not 'wanting' to. i just mean not answering directly.

[JohnScofield787]

Because sometimes people are stupid, or sometimes they don't want to hurt people's feelings so they aren't straight up.

If that was me and you asked me, I would give you an answer. I would tell you Yes or No thank you. Why? Because i would rather be straightforward as it hurts less than not telling the truth.

And yes sadly it can happen a lot. However it is cool that you asked him. I am sorry he didn't react so well. sometimes that happens.

[Asker]

yeah, well i hope the next guy i ask just says no. or yes if he's interested lol

i really would have been happy with a No. i still would have felt good for asking.

the way he answered just made me feel really awkward and dumb. and its pretty insulting. at least with "no" there's a level of respect. if nothing else treating me like that i can 'handle' a no.

what would you do. in my place. just shrug and walk away? i felt really idiotic standing there, but i shouldn't have had to leave. i didn't do anything wrong... he's the coward.

plus what if you used to hang out with the girl. what do you do after that happens. ignore her or just be civil but nothing more?

id be ok being friends if he'd said no. but bc of how he reacted I've lost respect for him. is it petty to avoid him?

[JohnScofield787]

Well his reaction was crap and it surprised you. It would have surprised me too. I think i probably would have just said something like "I am sorry I asked, I just thought we might have had a nice time." and walked away. Anyway, you are right, he was disrespectful to you, and it is fine to avoid him. If you see him around you can be nice, but there is no need to hang out with him. If he respected you he would have found a better way to speak to you, or at least apologize for not being more thoughtful.

[Asker]

thanks. i just dont feel like talking but i dont want to be a 'baby'. im not even hurt. i just think he was inappropriate. he could have responded simply and life could go on as normal. lol

[TeeJay300]

I don't usually take no for an answer lol usually ask and they say no and you prove to her that you are a great guy. Same with you doing that to a man.

[jacquesvol]

"What you would do in MY place (as a guy)"

What I've always done: chose what I feel is humanely correct towards the other. (included the politically correct)

[Asker]

hmm, humane is very good. could you give me an example of what that would mean to you here?

[jacquesvol]

@ anonymous Asker
I remember having a Roman Catholic girlfriend. We hadn't done anything beyond kissing.
Then one day she proposed to go swimming. And I remembered having read in a RC guide for engaged young girls (I sometimes read things complete out of my domain of interest, just because I always want to know a bit more.
That guide advised young virgins to go swimming with their fiancee , to verify if he was not hiding some physical handicap or so.

I immediately thought that she was seeing things way too seriously , more seriously than I wanted (my studies weren't over yet, I had years to go before getting a masters degree and such a religious girl wasn't my ideal either)

[jacquesvol]

I didn't want to hurt her either but I turned down her invitation and started taking some distance. No drama, just less kissing, seeing each other less. I suppose she found another boyfriend, I found another girlfriend. and that was it.
No drama. Was I wrong in my supposition about her intentions? I don't know.