Why does my boyfriend still look up his ex on instagram?

[Anonymous]

My boyfriend of a year and so, asked me when after a few months of dating to block a huge list of girls he used to date. One of them he was still friends with at the time and I recently realized this. Lately, and as I see on his instagram, he looks her up more than me.. Literally she's a top person and it's a wtf because this only revently appeared. She's in a relationship. But he keeps looking her up and he even told me guys and girls can't be friends. So, I know it's not that. But, he said they had trance music in common and of course we don't and trance is huge for him. I want to confront him because it does bother me. He hides his phone from me. I feel like he's hiding something. I asked him about it once and he said, "you jealous? we have trance music in common.." Umm... so? You dated her? You said, hypocrite, that guys and girls can't be friends and you dated her! You also said ex's can't be friends. So... hello? I don't want to be a second choice you know? I need someone's opinion.

[Esplorare]

This is one good reason why it's best in the long run to delete your ex from social media after the break-up. There is literately no necessary reason in order to remain invited and included into any environment of theirs after there's a permanent separation.

Sometimes when it comes to relationships, you have to stop being nice and start keeping it real. Stop worrying about tip-toeing around his feelings and call the situation for what it is. It is disrespectful and outright inconsiderate for him to be doing that. It's demeaning to you, as the new woman in his life, and it diminishes pride. If he's that kind of boyfriend, then you're better off without him waiting for a man who can upstage this mess he's making. Period. Don't try to lie to yourself about those facts and do not try to pretend that this isn't the beginning of a massive sinkhole in your relationship because it is. No self-respecting woman wants to be compared to her boyfriend's ex on a daily basis nor does she want to know that another woman is occupying space on her boyfriend's mind more than she is.

You need to call him out on his bullchit. Straight up, bluntly tell him, "It's disrespectful and outright inconsiderate for you to be doing that so much that she's a top person. I don't appreciate that. If you expect me, as a self-respecting woman, to be cool with you instagram-stalking your ex then you're not fit to be in a relationship." If he tries to deflect from the fact that he's not respecting you as a girlfriend and causing a problem by claiming your jealous then say this...

"It's not about jealousy. That diminishes my pride as a girlfriend to know that some other woman is constantly on your mind."

[Esplorare]

Mentally prepare yourself to part ways. You shouldn't have to compromise your self-esteem and sacrifice a level of happiness and harmony in a relationship because of him. Leave him by himself to instagram-stalk his taken ex who is enjoying another man's cock.

[Asker]

I wish I saw this when I spoke to him about it a few minutes ago. I'll bring it up in person tomorrow that it's diminishing my pride as his girlfriend to know that he keeps looking her up enough for her to be a top person always on his mind. Really urks me. I'm his longest relationship. They dated for a little while. But it's like, why the hell now do you want to look her up? I feel like they're talking because her username has to do with a ninja and there's someone named chan in his phone who does indeed text him early in the am and late at night so.. I don't think that's related but I still brought it up jokingly. He calls me the perfect girlfriend, I'm laid back, I'm chill, I don't have any friends so he's all I have and talk to, I'm trying to better him and myself but this really got to me cause it's like, I don't do that? I did block her on his instagram though so I had to click her so that probably added to the being a top person. Still. He needs to let the past go.

[Esplorare]

It almost sounds like whatever he has going on his bordering on emotional cheating. That is completely unacceptable. If he truly believes you are so perfect, laid back, and chill then he needs to stop doing idiotic, disrespectful chit that may push you into the arms of a better man. Period.

[Esplorare]

You cannot better him, love. You can inspire him to be better but when it comes to the betterment of himself, he is the only one who can accomplish that. By trying, you are just going to become burnt out and frustrated.

[Asker]

He said he used to really really like her. I can understand seeing what some ex'a are up to but to be constantly checking her PRIVATE instagram page? Totally have to be talking to her right? I've prepared myself for a while. We have some misunderstandings a lot so I'm honestly not going to fight for him if he says goodbye over a misunderstanding because he takes the easy way out of an argument by threatening to break up. He's bipolar.. kinda like me so I'm used to the quick change of mood but it's like, seriously? I'd rather him look up his more recent ex than someone a long time ago. And he thought it was rude of me to ask "Would you break up with me for her if she got out of that relationship." He said, "That's rude to ask that. Why would you want to know that?" Ugh

[Esplorare]

You are going to have to stop beating around the bush and be direct with him. Stop having these conversations amongst yourself and directly bring them to his attention. Tell him that what he's doing seems to be bordering on emotionally cheating.

I know an additional layer of stress may be added if you don't have any other friends but you may just have to be strong and weather a bit of loneliness in order to make it to peace of mind. Being alone for a bit is worth not being with him if he's going to potentially cheat on you at least emotionally and disrespect your feelings. He is not treating you the way a man should treat a woman he claims to greatly care for.

[Asker]

I knew it was emotional cheating. He doesn't remember that he gave me his passwords a long time ago so I couldn't really explain how I knew he was visiting her page all of the time. But I'm definitely bringing this up tomorrow. I know his tells. And if it's not settled tomorrow, I'm done. I can't even deal. He and I made clear to each other before that we're going to be honest, we can be free to do our own thing but staying faithful is huge to us... supposedly. To me, it's my number one. Stay faithful, or stay single.

[Esplorare]

Tell him. You have nothing to be ashamed of. You have every single right to know exactly what type of situation you are investing your time and emotions into. The fact that you used his passwords is not the point; the point is what he's been doing behind your back. If he tries to derail the focus from the fact that he's wrong onto what you did, then he's emotionally immature and being manipulative. -_- Tell him "You gave me your passwords along time ago in case you forgot." and just sit back and observe his facial expression and whether or not he gets tense.

[Asker]

Thank you. You've really helped me. 🙂

[Esplorare]

Tha'ts the spirit; "Stay faithful or stay single" That should be your mantra.

Listen to me: You deserve to make an informed choice about precisely what type of man you are committing yourself to. There is nothing wrong with you utilizing HIS DECISION to share his passwords with you. You have nothing to be ashamed of. If he is not going to be man enough to be open and honest about what he's about, then you'll have to do some investigating and digging for yourself because this is your life and you deserve to live it free from someone else's messy bullshit.

[Esplorare]

You're welcome :)

[Esplorare]

Thanks for mho :)

[Asker]

Of course! :D Thank you.

[Esplorare]

You feeling better?

[Asker]

Pretty much. I'm not upset about that anymore. I know I deserve better. Even though we patched things up about it and he probably only viewed her page once...; I don't think he knows I blocked her on his insta.. BUT XD I don't have any solid proof that he's really doing anything wrong. He's with my like 3 or 4 times a week or he's at home or the gym.. I said exactly what you said. That it diminishes my pride as a girlfriend to know that some other chick is constantly on his mind. I don't remember what he said but I know we did agree that an ex is an ex for a reason and it should stay that way and that if he's emotionally attached to her still or have any feelings for her or would crawl back to her in a heartbeat, that we should breakup. And here we are. Still together. Even yesterday he said I deserve better because he can't take me out to nice restaurants all the time and drive me around and give me everything I want. But yes, I'm feeling better.

[Esplorare]

Why not just have an open, honest dialogue with him about it?

[Anonymous]

LOL. I do the same to my once-close friend that is a girl after I confessed to her, its because we still have some kind of mental/emotional attachment or even jealousy.

[Asker]

Basically I just asked him about it because I don't hold things in I say it calmly now. New honest thing/telling him what I'm thinking instead of holding it in. He didn't give me a straight answer but he said he really really liked her but they broke up because she was drinking and started hanging with the wrong crowd but it's like, so I know he's probably curious I mean, I called out to him that she's in a relationship and that I don't like that he'd be looking her up on all these platforms. It's stalkerish and leaves me thinking he's waiting for her to get out of that relationship. I could understand the emotional/mental attachment but it's starting to feel like he wants me to be like her... or he wants to be with her. You know?