Why is my ex messing with my head?

He keeps pining over me, wanting my attention and stalking my online activity. He's befriending and hanging with MY friends and trying to "accidentally" run into me. When I see him, he keeps staring at me like there was nothing else in the world. But we don't really talk, call or message each other. He comes online every time I'm online, but doesn't say a word. If I give him attention and care about his life, he backs off. And when I take some distance he won't let me go. The break up was pretty bad and I could see him suffer (he suggested it, I just said OK). He tried to get my affection while we were not talking and when it got to a point where I was genuinely worried about him I took contact and we cleared the air. After that we've been distant but fine. Except he keeps wanting me to notice him BUT at the same time he's flaunting how he has a "new girl" now in social media (might as well not). So what is he doing and why? I just want us to be cool (friends or relationship) or have nothing to do at all. This is all just too much.

SHORT: Bad break-up, made peace with ex, ex tries to get my attention and "accidentally" run into me + befriends and hangs out with my friends, won't let me go but flaunts his "new gf" in social media. Why is he doing this?

Darkfairie17

Guru Age: 36

411 opinions shared on Guy's Behavior topic.

Ugh! Why can't he just go away already! I've been in this situation, it's scary.

I think he still wants you on some level. I've been there. My ex boyfriend cheated on me, and I left him. I couldn't be with someone who lied to me ( I have no idea how many people he cheated on me with, there were so many lies!). I couldn't trust him. Yet he was liking and commenting on my fb posts. Right before I deleted him, he would go on and on about how happy he was with his new girl. Good for him. But he kept liking my posts and trying to get me to notice him. Hmmm.

So I deleted him. BEST DECISION EVER! I am so much more happy now. I do not have to worry about him shi&&ng on my happiness anymore :) He would make negative comments or poke fun at stuff that I posted.

I'm sure if my ex had the opportunity, he would come back. But he's too afraid to ask, because he's afraid I will do something to him (not sure why he feels that way).

I think what you need to do is just distance yourself from him. Who cares if he is upset by this. He has a new girl, let him focus on that. You deserve happiness.

He is probably not over your just yet, and found another girl to take your place. But really he's still not over it.

Don't let him interfere with your happiness. Trust me, you will feel so much better leaving this guy behind. Don't let him manipulate his way into your life. He wanted to leave, and he made that choice now he must live with it.

Talk to your friends. They will hopefully respect you enough to not bring him around you or talk about him with you. You deserve that much!

Asker

+1 y
Thank you, I really needed that!

I'm sorry it happened to you, sucks doesn't it! My ex is not really being mean, he's being very sweet every time he wants my attention, but that's part of the problem, I just give in, have him have some attention, but after that he backs off and starts this "my new gf" (real or fake) thing in social media, as if he just wants to see I still care. My biggest worry is that if I just cut him off, he'll fall apart again and I don't wish for him to get in the shape he did when we broke up. It was disheartening, he took it all real bad.
I just wish he could stop playing these games and be straight forward. And as you said, he wanted to leave and made that choice now he must live with it. So either deal with the not being in contact or say what you want.

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Darkfairie17

+1 y
To be honest though, it's not your problem if he can't hope himself together. It's not your job to do that for him. He has to take that responsibility himself.

I think you need to have a talk with him. Set boundaries and be firm. There is nothing wrong with remaining friends with an ex, but if he is trying to manipulate you back into a relationship with him (while he is with someone else too!) then it's not a healthy situation. You both need to either try and fix the problems that caused you two to break up or agree to be friends and respect that.

He can't keep coming to you begging you to come back, and then go on and talk about how much he loves his girl. Kind of being dishonest, isn't he? I get break ups are tough, but it's not your fault he is feeling that way. He made choices. He needs to live up to those choices.

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Asker

+1 y
You're absolutely right. It's not my problem, at least it shouldn't be. I just can't help the feeling that I'm responsible of him feeling that way and it just makes it all worse. 'Cause I do care. I shouldn't but I do.

I agree with you on setting some boundaries. That would make it so much better. At least if he'd stick to them. Last time we tried he started slipping and couldn't be just friends but wanted to get my attention again. I'd wish nothing more than to be clear about all this, it's just a nerve wrecking mess.

Dishonest? Yep! He's not really even trying to make anyone think he's truly in love with this new girlfriend, like he did when we started going out, but it's more like "can you see, I'm not alone, I have someone" type of thing, which made me doubt about the whole girl. I just don't get why anyone would behave like he does. It's just so selfish.

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Darkfairie17

+1 y
I'm one of those people who cares too much too. I think it's normal for you to care about him. But you have to realize that it is not your problem and you have nothing to feel guilty for. He left you! And he was willing to risk you being in his life for whatever it is that he wanted at the time. He must take responsibility for that. He's being unreasonable if he is making you responsible for his happiness, that's not your problem!

You have every right to set boundaries and be firm. The minute he starts to overstep the boundary, call him out on it. Just be like "Now listen, we talked and you agreed to XYZ". That should hopefully help. At least then if you do have to cut him out or distance yourself, you can give him a reason why.

He can't make the rules and expect to not have to abide by them. You have to hold him responsible. There is nothing mean or unfair about asking him to respect your boundaries. If he wants a friendship with you, then he has to learn to respect you.

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Asker

+1 y
Thank you! I think I'll need to bookmark this page just so I can read your answers when I start to give in to his games or feel guilty about how he feels. Hopefully it all gets better.

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Darkfairie17

+1 y
You're welcome! Things will get better! Once he sees that you are not giving into his guilt trips he will back off. Eventually, it might take some time but be strong. there is nothing wrong with setting boundaries and asking him to respect them. He has a new girlfriend after all, and he needs to respect that relationship. Plus HE is the one who ended things with you. So he is the one who closed the door. He can't close the door and then force you to stay in his life. He made a decision.

I think you just need to distance yourself a bit. If he gets upset, then you need to be firm on your boundaries. Let him know you need time, or are busy with friends or something. If that upsets him, let him know he is the one who closed the door. So he needs to live with that.

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