How to deal with a ''vanisher''?

Question

In other words: Someone who you have been talking to for a long time and suddenly starts ghosting on you.
I've been talking to this one guy for a month, we usually text, as he lives far away from me (that's not the issue) but I thought we were all great and have chemistry, until he stopped trying to engage in a conversation with me and wouldn't text/call me for days. I asked him what's wrong and he came with the excuse that he's sorry for not reaching out to me, saying that he's busy.

I understand that it is not a good sign and if he would be really interested, he would at least take 2 seconds out of his day to at least ask how I'm doing. The next day though he started texting me again of out nowhere, and after our conversation he vanished again for another few days! What the hell does this mean?

I can tell he likes me, but what's up with this on and off going thing he has? Can someone relate to my situation? And men; why do you torture us this way?

The last time we've talked was 3 days ago, I started the conversation by telling him that I got the job which I really wanted, he congratulated me and was very excited for me and everything seemed to be good again. But that was it.
Who can guess what's going on? I am obviously not going to start a conversation with him again as I feel that he should also be showing that he wants this, and the interest shouldn't only come from my side.
Any idea or explanation? Any input is appreciated.

Darkfairie17 · Accepted Answer

How to deal with a vanisher? Well just show them the door. If the person can't be bothered to make a few minutes for you, then why bother?

I know that sounds cynical, but trust me I have dealt with my fair share of vanishers and then some. I've had 2 this year. Both went on for about 6 months. Both were "too busy" but had plenty of time for naps, tokes, m impregnating other girls and hanging with their friends. The problem wasn't that they were busy, but that they just didn't feel compelled to make time for me.

Which is fine, if they weren't interested they could have let me know by telling me when I asked them straight up. But they didn't.

So now, what I do is if a guy shows signs that he is not interested. I don't even wait around. I just move on myself. If a guy actually is interested in you, he will ask you what is up. His behaviour will change i he wants to make it work. You will be able to tell when this happens because your intuition will let you know. He will call less frequently, not check in with you, not make plans with you.

If after no contact with that person for a few days they still do not get in contact with you, then you are doing the best thing you can by moving on. A person who can't make time for you is not someone you should wait around for.

This advice works for both men and women. As I know men experience this as well.

Shangri-La · Accepted Answer

You stated ", as he lives far away from me (that's not the issue)", but I think you should maybe consider it an issue , because if you live far away from each other you obviously don't get to meet up, or meet up regularly.

So all you are is a someone online to him. Most people online are only passing time with you. Once their life becomes busier, and something more real comes along then they no longer have a place in their life for you.

If he's genuinely busy like he said , then his texting habits will change. The contact will be less, but the quality of the texts should still be good. If he is deliberately ghosting on you , then his messages will also lack quality and lack emotion. . So take note of the content of his messages... not so much how often.

NyomiMcClinton · Accepted Answer

I can understand your frustration about him becoming "ghost". I hate to break this to you but I have talked to guys who did this and come to find out that they were not really interested in me or had someone they was really serious with but they were going back in forth. I would not continue to let him come in and out of my life if I was you. Since your not speaking up about it he will continue to do it. If a guy is interested in you, he will make sure to text or call you even if he is busy. So there is no excuse as to why he can't send a text from time to time.

spuitkaas · Accepted Answer

As a person who's a vanisher herself, I understand his behaviour. I can't ever talk to someone only online for more than 2 weeks or so or I vanish. It's not presonal. I'm just not an online chatter and can't really bond with people online. I wouldn't say i get bored, but it's more that the person kind of disappears out of my mind if i wasn't extremely close with him in real life and only speak online with him. The only peraon I can sometimes chat with without seeing him for a week is my boyfriend and i don't even chat with him a lot online.

super147 · Accepted Answer

You're talking about a few days, not a few weeks or months. If you are wanting him to communicate every single day then that's your personal expectation, it's not a universal accepted standard. Some people just have different rules about that kind of thing. They do get in touch but it won't be every minute of every day. If he wasn't getting in touch from one week to the next then I'd be more concerned.

It's not really about what is right or wrong, it's about what is right for you. If you want someone that will be more communicative then this guy isn't the right guy for you and you should just move on. If he wants you he will come calling.

Pyrofox · Accepted Answer

I think he is just trying not to be a distraction at your new job. I mean he knows you wanted it and doesn't want to end up being the reason you lost it. So my suggestion tomorrow (if its night time right now xD) or if its the new day right now send him a text or call and leave a message with him that you want to talk maybe later about how the first days at work went. I mean guys typically dont ghost without a legitimate reason.

Megabeauty · Answer

my ex did that & he literally lives 5 mins away. hence he's my ex. I just stopped contacting him all together & started dating other people, when he did come back around I'd wait hours to reply. actually we never technically broke up bc we never talked. then about 2 months later he came crawling back. we're not back together but he text & calls more than ever now, but I have a new boyfriend so screw him. just don't contact him.

lumos · Answer

My input is: don't spend time on someone who doesn't want to spend time on you. If he wants to vanish, let him.
I've had enough people walk in and out of my life to care at this point. You can't stop them from doing what they want and you shouldn't have to change your behavior to "get them back". If they don't want to be in your life, that's fine. You're better off finding someone who DOES want to be in your life. So don't play any games, don't wait around for him to text you again, don't pine for him or try to change yourself to make him want to contact you more.

JSmuve · Answer

He's probably grown bored of you and has realized that since you're long distance, you're more effort than he's willing to put in and that he'd rather have a chick closer to him. He keeps periodically messaging you for the companionship. Then once he's satisfied or is bored of you again, he puts you back on the shelf until next time.

bloodmountain1990 · Answer

I've dealt with vanishers and being ghosted quite a bit. I think it's very common now with online dating, especially since people feel it's easier to avoid hurting someone's feelings and just let them get the hint.

It sucks but all you can really do is move on.

CyberToothTiger · Answer

It's hard to deal with someone who vanishes , I had a female friend who
i really cared for deep down, she just went out of my life , I can totally
remember that faithful day we last talked and that was it she told me
a story about her mother being ill and that was last i heard from her
How i dealt with her vanishing i just went on with life and kept telling
myself possibly someday i would talk to her again but so far never
happened so i learned I had to move on with life.

BeautifulPromisesx · Answer

Just vanish out of his life. Honestly life is too fucking short to deal with people who don't put in the effort for you. I've learned that the super hard way.

Mikaychay95 · Answer

I currently have experienced having a "vanisher" as we speak. I don't understand because he seemed interested in me. So I can relate kinda to what you're going through.

reptocarl · Answer

The better question is why are you putting up with it?

Anonymous · Answer

Keep busy. You should not have to chase this guy. If he's shady now, imagine later? If he ghosts you now, he will probably do it again. Why torture yourself again?

Sel22 · Answer

Im a vanisher and i do it when im having a bad time in life and just want to be by myself to clear my head.

Anonymous · Answer

His vanishing skills aren't that good. Must be 99 to confuse your mind. He is an apprentice.

Theodorable · Answer

Don't let them ghost you. Ghost them first!!! Revenge!

Ayra_Frey · Answer

Why not just keep it at 'ghosting'? I would move on. I mean, if you're looking for love.

TheLuckyPizzaDog · Answer

Wait a week then ask him if he's ghosting.

zombiebabe · Answer

act the same way at him too

GoldCobra · Answer

I think you would just have to move on

Anonymous · Answer

The only vanisher I deal with is my magic eraser

How to deal with a ''vanisher''?

Most Helpful Opinions

Most Helpful Opinions

What Girls & Guys Said

How to deal with a ''vanisher''?

Most Helpful Opinions

Most Helpful Opinions

What Girls & Guys Said

We're glad to see you liked this post.