What do you guys think of his reply?

[Anonymous]

[Anonymous]

He tried to make a joke, not a very good one but probably because that can be an uncomfortable position you put him in with that question. You asked that because you were looking for a confidence boost or some reassurance, you wanted the “of course you’re not ugly bb you’re beautiful!’, followed by some other compliments maybe, but if that isn’t the type of guy he is then you’re never gonna receive that. Nothing against him, there are plenty of men who just aren’t into doing all that.

[Asker]

I’m not looking for reassurance lol, I’m about to change my hairstyle and need an honest opinion

[Opinion Owner]

You asked him if you’re ugly, not what he would think if you had a certain hairstyle. I think his response would’ve been different if you mentioned that much, but he’s responding to a question that a lot of women use to get reassurance and compliments from their man. Saying “at I ugly😔” would never suggest to me that you’re about to ask about a hairstyle change. This isn’t me giving you a hard time, just some perspective.

[Opinion Owner]

**am I

[Asker]

Hmm maybe you’re right, I thought he would at least say “why would you ask that” which would lead to me asking about the hairstyle. He actually did eventually ask why I asked and I mentioned my hair. Maybe I should cut him some slack, but I don’t feel like he’s very honest

[Opinion Owner]

In this specific instance I would say to cut him some slack. Mainly because if your intent was to ask what he’d think about a hairstyle change, you weren’t being straightforward with how you went about that. Asking someone if they think your ugly would usually warrant some sort of reassurance outside of just wondering why you’re asking that. At least that’s the impressions I get when asked that question, so if he’s the same, then he probably felt awkward addressing that if he isn’t good with compliments. Again, not saying you were asking for that, it’s just what that question usually incites.

When you mention him not being very honest, are you talking about his responses to that question or just his demeanor in general? Because if it’s deeper than just this situation then you’ve got some bigger fish to fry. But if you don’t think his response was honest, I think that turns into a self esteem or validation issue on your end.

[Asker]

I disagree with you on that, here’s why – I say honesty in this general sense because of his demeanor in responding to the question and the nature of the question. Usually with a question like that and any taboo questions a boyfriend that is worried about being honest is going to reply with the reply they think they’re partner wants to hear and that’s not what I’m looking for.

[Asker]

I do get the impression that thats what happened because of various cues within the conversation. I just asked another guy friend of mine what he thought of my hair and he said he thought my original hairstyle was better (which my boyfriend didn’t say, he instead said he thought my current hairstyle is fine). I get that different guys can have different opinions but I genuinely can’t really tell if he his preference was said just to keep me happy or if it’s his actual preference.

[Opinion Owner]

One thing you have to remember is that I’m only working with the context given, or in this case, the part of that text you chose to post. I don't know what other cues happened in your conversation outside of what’s in the picture, but based off what’s there alone, you ask if you’re ugly and he seems to sort of move past that question with a joke, which to me relays discomfort.

You were straightforward with your friend and directly asked about your original hairstyle. There’s no mention of that to your boyfriend in the pic posted. It looks like there’s only room to comment on your appearance.

[Opinion Owner]

I guess this is ultimately saying in this instance yes, I think you should cut him some slack. It would’ve been better to be straightforward in the first place how you were with your friend, cutting right to the chase. I hope you don’t take any of what I’m saying out of context, it’s said with respect.

[Asker]

Hmm but the question is still a question that I have. Does he think I’m generally attractive or not. Why do you think a question like this invokes feelings of discomfort and dishonesty rather than surprise, shock, and curiosity.

[Opinion Owner]

Well, I don’t think it’s to say that there isn’t some shock, curiosity, etc on the guys end when asking him such questions, a lot of men are just avoidant in nature. Whether it’s asking about your looks or more serious topics like what your relationship status is or if they want kids one day, there are those men who avoid it like the plague. I personally had to end an old relationship because his lack of emotional availability. For example, I doubt you care for a bunch of compliments and boasting but it would nice to feel assured by your partner that you are beautiful and attractive every once in a while. There must be something going on to make you feel like he may not find you fully attractive or something, and that’s also not ok. He should show you with his actions that he still wants you and thinks you’re as beautiful as you were the day you met. I could no longer be with a man who didn’t make me feel that way, because I get in my head too much. Maybe you do as well.

[Asker]

Gave you MHO, thanks for your response. And yeah it actually not his fault that I asked. I just had been rejected in the past quite often which made me present the question. Also I don’t think being ugly is a bad thing because it’s improvable under the condition that you first acknowledge you’re ugly and then work towards not being ugly. If I felt like being ugly was permanent I would feel a lot more crushed. He makes me feel loved, I really just wanted his honest opinion so I can improve myself for… myself, him, and the world really

[KittygosMeoWW]

Ew don’t ask for validation like that also ew his response was so unmanly and not helpful…. He could’ve at least said “of course babe”

[Asker]

Interesting. So if you wanted to ask someone whether they honestly think you’re ugly or not, how would you word it?

[KittygosMeoWW]

If you want a confidence boost there’s way better ways… why not be flirty? This is kind of asking for a sympathetic answer

[Asker]

I don’t want a confidence boost. I want honesty. Am I ugly or not.

[Asker]

Why would I want a lie? So I can continue being rejected in life?

[KittygosMeoWW]

If you already feel like you’re ugly why ask… no one’s truly ugly unless you have a severe deformity. You’re just broke you can fix anything with plastic surgery if it’s not helping you feel better

[Asker]

True

[KittygosMeoWW]

Build a bod in the gym doubt you’d still be “ugly” with a big ass

[abc3643]

LOL... that's a joke... and it's pretty good.

He's "throwing a fit" as in "outfit"... clothes.

While that's cute, he needs to keep his day job.

[Asker]

😂😂😂

[Asker]

Classic dad joke, maybe I should one-up him on corny jokes 😂

[genericname85]

honestly i can relate to that response to an obviously and annoyingly validation seeking question xD

[Asker]

Okay I get it, maybe he thought I was seeking validation. I was really confused at that response

[genericname85]

well you were seeking validation xD that's why he thought it.

[Asker]

I wasn’t, I’m trying to figure something out. But thanks anyway!

[Asker]

Or actually, I could use your feedback too since you’re a guy. Do you mind if I ask if you find women with straight hair or curly hair more attractive?

[genericname85]

what is it that you were trying to figure out? cause obviously the comunication you chose to go about it that wasn't effective. maybe i can give some inspiration for more effective communication in this scenario.

[Asker]

How I can better approve my appearance is what I’m trying to figure out

[Asker]

Communication really isn’t my focus right now, but thanks for the feedback. Answer my question if you can!

[genericname85]

i mean some girls look better with straight hair, some look better with curly hair. some look great either way. it depends on your type. but if you wanna know that particular thing, what you can ask is just straight foreward: "hey do you like curly or straight hair better on me?". the question "am i ugly" won't get you anywhere xD if you wanna know something, it's better to ask precisely about that exact thing you wanna know.

[genericname85]

and if it's just one of these days where you just feel ugly for some reason, you can just say that straight up. and ask him if he can try to make you feel better. that's really effective, cause men like to get a practical, actionable instruction instead of having to react "correctly" to vague open questions.

[Asker]

Right but I do actually think I’m ugly as of right now lol, and my hairstyle is why. I’m brutally honest and I like honesty. I really don’t understand the taboo around talking about attractiveness

[Asker]

And I think I’m ugly because I’ve noticed that it seems like people are attracted to similar levels of attractiveness. Good looking guys tend to be attracted to good looking girls and vice versa. There’s even guys on Instagram that only like pictures of beautiful girls (in our university) and they don’t ever like my pictures. Feels bad.

[genericname85]

it's not a taboo asking about attractiveness. the problem is here: so you're feeling ugly because of your haircut. then why do you ask "am i ugly"? that's the problem. cause you're asing an imprecise question and a guy being on the recieving end of that sees that but doesn't know what the fuck is going on. like how is he supposed to know this is about your hair? you didn't communicate that. and the frustration about that lack of communication is what made him give a somewhat angry reponse.

[Asker]

It’s not the end of the world but I’d really love to improve my appearance

[Asker]

Hmm I think you have me mistaken for people that attention-seek, but that makes sense because you’re a stranger. To clarify, I’m a person that’s very serious about self-improvement, especially appearance. I actually aspire to be in a beauty pageant one day, I take serious inspiration from those people. But I can’t reach that without an honest partner.

[Asker]

And he knows this too, so his reaction really doesn’t make sense to me

[Asker]

I shouldn’t have to ask another guy friend just to get an honest answer

[genericname85]

so if you serously aspire beauty pageants and you have any self awareness, you already know you're not ugly. so that makes this question you asked him even more out of place and weird.

[genericname85]

again. if you want any opinions of your boyfriend, ask precise and actionable questions.

[Asker]

Hmm your logic doesn’t add up there - no offense. How does having an interest in beauty pageants and being self aware make you all of the sudden know the answer to the question of whether you’re generally attractive or not. I wish that was the case! 😆

[Asker]

Imagine if I told you that you should know if you’re fat or not because you like to watch sports and you’re self aware.

[Asker]

Are you generally considered fat? Who knows 🤔 you don’t. You don’t know what the world thinks of you. Our self perceptions are much different from the perceptions of others around us.

[Asker]

Also self awareness isn’t binary – it’s a spectrum. People can be anything between very self aware and not self aware at all. I have no idea where I fall on that scale.

[genericname85]

well for you to even consider beauty pageants as a future option would be very dumb if you were ugly. you have eyes so you can see right? i'm assuming you're not dumb and i'm assuming you can see. so you already know you're not ugly or else you wouldn't even consider beauty pagents. so the correct question would be "am i pretty enough for beauty pageants". not "am i ugly", cause you already know you aren't. cause you wouldn't consider beauty pageants if you were ugly.

i know i'm fat or not by fucking looking at myself xD mirrors exist and i have a general understanding of what "being fat is".

[Asker]

Relax padawan, it’s just a response. If I offended you in any way - my apologies but no the world does not work like that. There’s several fat people out there daily who aspire to be or do things that are generally considered to be skinny people things. Perhaps they have those goals because they’d like to see something different for themselves. It doesn’t take being of a specific category to have the same dreams and desires of that category.

[genericname85]

can you explain to me what part of what i just said made it seem to you as though i took offense to your question? XD i'm confused now.

[Asker]

Hmm I think the correct phrase there would be “I know if I FEEL LIKE I’m fat” not “I know if I’m fat”. You don’t know what others think until you ask.

[Asker]

Umm the cussing and the passive aggressiveness lol? Yeah you seem very triggered, and you really shouldn’t be. I think we just have different looks on life. But I 100% agree with what you said initially which is that question could’ve been better said. My intention was really for him to ask why I asked that so I could bring up the hairstyle (which eventually I did). I could’ve just started off with that. I think I’ll just save questions like that next time to brutally honest strangers who know I’m not just seeking attention or something.

[Asker]

One question though, if you wanted to honestly ask someone whether they think you’re ugly or not, how would you word it so that it doesn’t seem… attention-y?

[genericname85]

i didn't get offended. i think it has nothing to do with feelings. if i'm fat, i'm fat, if i'm not fat, i'm not. it's really a matter of looking at myself or stepping on a scale if i think i'm on the edge of either thing. like obesity is objectively defined xD... i know beauty is less easily determined but like if you were ugly as fuck, you'd know that by looking at the mirror and not even get the idea to take part in beauty pageants xD that's why i'm saying you already know you're not ugly. so asking "am i ugly is a bullshit question. you know that. he knows that. that's why he reacted angrily xD cause he can clearly see that you didn't ask what you really wanted to know.

generally speaking. if you plan your conversation in a way where you already pre determined in your head what your partner "should" be saying, your're setting yourself up for failure. cause he clearly noticed that you're doing that. and to him it felt like you're insulting his intelligence. i know that cause i'd feel like that in his position. like if you wanna know something from a man, just ask him straight up. don't try to pre determine what he should say or make the topic a guessing game. I don't know if women like that shit. but i do know men don't xD

[Asker]

You sound retarded, respectfully. None of what you said makes sense. Go think about what you just said and come back with some sense.

[genericname85]

just read what i said again. think a bit. then read again. thinking helps. it's complex i know but you can do it.

[Asker]

I read your response and gave my honest opinion, I think you need to stop being lazy and do the same.

[Asker]

Honestly, read first and think about what I just said. Then think about what you just said. If you do that and you still don’t feel any differently then let me know. Maybe the levels of intellect just aren’t the same and at that point I don’t think this would be a conversation worth continuing..

[genericname85]

respectfully: speaking words of wisdom to a fool is like casting pearls before the swine xD. it is what it is. hoped for the best but it can't always work out and since that didn't work, i thought i'd take part in the pseudo-respectfull insulting :D but enough of that. seems there's nothing else to say. bye.

[Asker]

Have a good day m’am.

[Peridot25]

My guess was it was suppose to be a joke but not a very good one. I don’t know 🤷‍♀️

[Asker]

😩 my thoughts exactly

[Peridot25]

Seeing that you were sad he tried to make you laugh with a lame joke.

[Asker]

Yeah that was a big turn off for me..

[Peridot25]

Would you prefer him to call you ugly?

[Asker]

If I am then yes, I just want honesty and feedback lol

[Peridot25]

Ok you’re ugly

[Asker]

But you don’t know what I look like 😂

[Peridot25]

I’m just giving you what you wanted 🤷‍♀️

[Peridot25]

And don’t tell me you’re now upset because this is what you asked for.
If your boyfriend did the same, you would be unhappy. Am I right? Your mind games ain’t cute.

[Asker]

Uhh? I don't know. But you seem pretty honest so tell me – do you think women with straight hair or curly hair look better?

[Peridot25]

You’re asking me this because…?

[Asker]

Because I’m changing my hairstyle girly 🥰

[Peridot25]

Do what you want. It’s your hair.

[AviatorTom]

It made me laugh... did you not get his joke?

[katrina890]

His saying your not ugly but he wants to play fight playfully aha

[Anonymous]

I don’t know. But it seems there’s a lot of insecurity

[Tamera952]

? Out of context and too weird to be able to tell.

[LiamJHayden]

Confusing.

[Asker]

Okay I’m not the only one

[Ms_Facesitter]

'ha-ha' joke.