Love marriage or arranged marriage?

[Anonymous]

Love marriage

Arrange marriage

Updates

+1 y

Wait so in your culture there are only love marriage. That's something really interesting. I would like to know about more

[btbc92]

Asker, firstly, I apologize for nearly taking over your question. But as the examples, you see before you. Love marriage or arranged marriage wouldn't matter. If you are not getting married for the right reasons, either or may end up causing problems and make a marriage fail. If you are going to marry for love, actually LOVE each other and not use it as a means to get what you want out of each other. Marriage is very serious NO matter how it is arranged. If you are in an arranged marriage and you agreed to it, the same rules apply. You must learn to love each other and grow as a couple. I don't care how badly you desire sex. Do not get married if you are not prepared to love and be with that person for the rest of your living days and don't understand what your job is in marriage. Desiring sex is only 1 part of the equation.

[JuneLady]

Ironically, love marriages are much more likely to end in divorce than arranged marriage, even in cases where divorce is an option. Love is a prerequisite for love marriages, while it's an objective for arranged marriages. "Love" as defined by the majority of Western society, is all about convenience. When a love marriage gets uncomfortable or inconvenient, it's over.
Arranged marriages, on the other hand, are usually taken more seriously. They are about responsibility, not convenience.

[nelly83]

so smart for a 21 yr old.

[Jaximus-Lion]

Yeah! In the 1400's, not in the 2000's. The "western" had nothing to do with popularizing marriage, it has been very low for the last 30 years in the "western" countries. I was born and raised in Iraq and arranged marriage was all over the country and most of them ended by extreme depression for both, men and women. It is different times but people don not like to admit it, arranged relations can work but the numbers are not so high as people might expect, the love part!!! The numbers are higher than the arranged ones.

[nelly83]

@Jaximus-Lion Arraigned marriages are only bitter and depressing if you just marry the wrong person. If you marry someone who is compatible, then it should work out. Do you really think love marriages are any better? ALMOST HALF OF ALL WESTERN WORLD MARRIAGES FALL APART!

[Jaximus-Lion]

@nelly83 where am at , the falling apart precentage is 23% and that is Sweden only. Which countries do you mean when you say (western)? About 90% 8f the people i know are married because of love and they are doing fine, i am one of them too. There is nothing personal here, just curious about the stats you are talking about, i lived in the middle east and now am living in Sweden and 7 have seen both cultures and are not adding up.

[nelly83]

@Jaximus-Lion In the US, 46% of all marriages fall apart. In the UK, there are similar statistics.

[Anonymous]

The latter exists. The former doesn't, IRL- or, insofar as it may, for a brief period, it's a universal guarantee that a modern woman WILL fall out of love with anything and anyone (except MONEY- and the instant she can get more of that from divorcing you than from she can from staying in a relationship with you, she'll be out of there fast as she can spread her legs for the next guy). Western 'love' marriages, to Western women, aren't worth the paper they're written on, let alone the cost of the certificates, rings and extortionate weddings. At least with the arranged marriage, you'll know up front that it's nothing to do with 'loving you'.

[btbc92]

If a woman "falls out of love" it's not. Period. Arrange marriage is no different than marriage. Marriage is marriage. You have a choice to grow, learn and want to love who you with, or you don't. It's as simple as that. The same applies to men.

[btbc92]

Women don't just spread their legs. Men no longer want to wait for marriage to have sex, or stop porn and masturbating. You lust after women. Why would it be any different for a woman if you don't set the standard and have premarital sex and do the same yourself? It doesn't matter where you are in the world. Or whether your marriage is by certification or expensive weddings. If you're not doing this by God's standards, living a Godly lifestyle, and doing this to honor God, your just as wrong and cannot judge. More women would be loyal and faithful if men were more loyal and faithful doing right by her and making sure he is with the right kind of women before investing anything. You chase skirt because she is sexually attractive, you blame her for it and for her divorcing you, and marriage for what you did. What do you expect?

[Opinion Owner]

@btbc92 I know. Ergo, "love" DOESN'T EXIST- it never has, and never will, because PEOPLE CHANGE, they NEVER stay the same, and NO emotions or feelings are immutable. Anyone can eternally love someone any day, but with each passing day, both they and the other person will continue to drift ever further away from being those people who 'fell in love with one another'. And falling out of love as a result is an inevitability, just a matter of time. Men are as loyal as dogs, and will make more of an effort to change themselves accordingly than any humans ever have before; modern women, though, are as loyal as cats, and for them/you, the mere thought of changing YOURself to "grow, learn and want to love your man" is anathema- you'd rather die.

[btbc92]

Love does exist. God is love, and until you know God, you don't know love. I don't know who hurt you or what your experiences are, but I can tell you haven't been loved much. I can safely tell you as a virgin who never dated or been with a man, men are no different than women in that regard. I have yet to really meet a man who respected me for my decisions. I saw a few on here and am friends with a few. However, many men don't want what God called for there to be. Women don't just change. Either she was always like that is lied, or something happened in that relationship that made her change. Women don't leave relationships or marriage for no reason unless that was always her character.

[btbc92]

If love is truly eternal people wouldn't drift apart. People drift apart because they don't know how to love while being alone first. Many humans try to fill their needs by replacing that "loneliness" with another human being or sex. That is the problem. I have been alone all my life. Men do need to change. For it is the man God made first, then the women. How do you know God didn't allow women to end up like his to remind you men of the things you have done? Throughout history is the man who have always been in charge. And yet you didn't just fail women, you fail yourselves, and you destroy each other and blame the woman. Women aren't without fault either. But you don't listen because your pride blinds you to the truth. Pride comes before the fall. And now women are lost because we cannot LEAD OURSELVES. Yet, you called to lead. This is not the result of just "modern women". This is the result of most of you living unGodly lifestyles and then you pick the wrong woman, to begin with, because she sexually excites you. You want her, desire her, then blame her. You get good women, can't take care of them. You get a bad woman, you blame her for that too. Nobody has to put guns to your heads. You do this all on your own. Any woman who marries you gave up her entire life to mold into yours. While it is possible to be deceived, you men often know this and don't fix it or listen. How many times I warn people, and men about not getting with that person, don't do this or that? I get told that I'm jealous, lack experience, don't know anything, etc. Yet who is the one suffering? The one I tried to "save".

[Opinion Owner]

@btbc92 "Men no longer want to wait for marriage to have sex", BECAUSE WOMEN DON'T ANY MORE, and never stop shaming and emasculating all of us who still do. And "stop porn and masturbating"- what, like you women ever do? We lust after women. WHY IS THAT SHAMEFUL, or WRONG? Do you fantasize about us all lusting after transwomen and other men instead? I don't even need you to answer that- just look up 'most popular fanfiction pairings/ships', and the stats speak for themselves. If we DO set the standard, and DON'T have premarital sex, what's the problem? And where the fuck does your imaginary 'God' come into it, let alone depicting YOURSELF as the sole arbiter of GOD's will. I CAN, and WILL, judge ANYONE as much as I want, because that's what free thought is. And the rest of your BS, ranting on about how "men aren't faithful, men aren't loyal, because you still DARE to be sexually attracted to WOMEN instead of just to ME PERSONALLY, what do you expect?" TRIPE. Face it- you're just TRASH, plain and simple. And from that bit about "because she's is sexually attractive", I'll take it that you're ugly trash too. As anticipated.

[btbc92]

And you think your deserving of a woman who wants to wait to have sex yet you lust and watch porn? That's why you can't get a woman to wait or keep a woman. Because it is WRONG. Your an angry man who is bitter. I don't do all of those things. Why would I want a man who does? My physical appearance is irrelevant to you as is yours to me. To be ugly is subjective of you, to be pretty or beautiful is subjective to others. I don't care anymore. I love me for me. I would never speak nor treat a man the way you speak and treat me and other women. You're the problem and if you don't want to believe in God, then you are responsible for fixing YOU. Nobody else. OR don't complian. Your a grown man. Be responsible for you.

[btbc92]

No, I don't. I know why women read fanfictions and write them the way they do. Because there is hardly any standard of quality men anymore because the only men we can ever hope, dream, and desire in our hearts are now in fantasy. Because the reality of men is too painful. And you just admitted why. Because your lust and you don't find it shameful. You hurt us as you hurt yourself. You're hurting us. What difference does it make if we end up destroying ourselves with other men? You not sexually attracted. That comes from within with a desire to love and bond. All you have is lust. And lust fills your being. And it leaves you lonely.

[btbc92]

If that is what you're saying. You have no standards, no morals, no desire to love, are selfish, and aren't loyal. I don't go around seeking other men. I don't care what other women do. That's on them. But you already do what you do. Why would I look for you? You're just going to use and abuse me and hurt me.

[Opinion Owner]

@btbc92 I KNOW I'm deserving of a women a billion times better than you. And I'd go so far as to say that being wed to women like you should be considered as an alternative to a medium-to-long term prison sentence for major crimes, because only criminals would deserve you. I also love me for me. Unlike you, though, I have GOOD REASONS for doing so. You, though? You just have your FEEWINGS, and your imaginary God who you talk to in your own head and who supposedly, according to you, unconditionally forgives you for violating every rule he requested that you follow because "I wanna feel good and live in the moment". Tell me, subjectively ugly lady- WHY THE FUCK would ANY man WANT to be in a marriage, to a WOMAN, WITHOUT lust- as an ASEXUAL? Do you really think you're that special, or important? We're not like women; we wouldn't just use you as free ATMS even if we could, don't typically indulge in dick-measuring contests with our GFs over who has the best man, and we don't have any paternal rights left any more, so whether we want babies or not is immaterial. You're a grown woman- why the hell should any man have to be responsible for a trainwreck like you?

[btbc92]

You're a hypocrite and your wrong. You judge these women for the same thing you do. That's why you're single. A man who doesn't want to love me for me is not a man I would want. Period. I have no qualms dying alone. I don't deserve a man or anyone. But what belongs to me, belongs to me. I have God and I have Jesus. All I ask is to be left alone in peace. If I am not to be given to my wife and loved properly, then all I ask is to be left alone, not come after me because am a virgin, clean, tight, and whatever you have going on in your head. I am still a person who owns and operates this body you so "desire" so much. A man is not obligated to give me anything, but at least respect as another human being. I rather die doing the right thing by God, than die with regrets and going to hell over a man.

[btbc92]

Are you that jealous and bitter that you have to go so far as to reveal your shame? You made those choices. You are not deserving of anybody. You don't own anybody. And No, you don't love yourself. You hate yourself hat badly as you hate women. So I can careless what you have to say about me. God is in control. Not you.

[btbc92]

Men like you are the reason why I would be a "trainwreck" You think you have the right to hurt other women? You're the wreak. I am not an asexual. I am a normal heterosexual woman. You're abusive.

[Opinion Owner]

@btbc92 "If I am not to be given to my wife and loved properly"- what, are you a Christian fundamentalist Bible-Bashing Lesbian now? And here I thought I'd seen everything...
"then all I ask is to be left alone, not come after me because am a virgin, clean, tight, and whatever you have going on in your head"- YOUR head. And if I haven't made it clear enough that the impression I've formed of you in my head's as far from attractive as you can get, then you clearly need yours checked, BAD.
"I am still a person who owns and operates this body you so "desire" so much." That "subjectively ugly" body, from a skinny shamer who's almost certainly a morbidly obese female incel? Yeah, you keep it to yourself. Or to anyone who's desperate enough to desire it. Not me though- not in a million years. Especially not combined with a personality that's uglier than the body of the ugliest woman alive...
"A man is not obligated to give me anything, but at least respect as another human being." No, no man's obligated to give you that either. Because Respect is something which has to be earned, and which can be lost as well. I gave that to you, at first; but now, you've lost that. And you're not getting it back.

[Opinion Owner]

As for the last bit- "I rather die doing the right thing by God, than die with regrets and going to hell over a man." By 'God', you seem to mean "whatever I want to do for myself". Because your ego is as massive that 'God' is you thing, your possession, and that God has to answer to YOU. And if you, or anyone else, got sent to hell over being born as a non-asexual, then either God's design in creating us would be defective, or he'd be a vicious sadist who created us all just to suffer for him. I believe in a kind and benevolent God, who didn't make mistakes, and who wouldn't somehow be eternally stalemated by 'The Devil', an allegedly inferior being that's supposed to be far weaker and less powerful. If your 'Devil' exists, then your God is either NOT omnipotent, or implicit in everything the Devil does, and therefore equally complicit in the existence of 'evil'. So, which is it- is your God weak, or evil? Because for your 'Satan' to paradoxically exist for longer than an infinitesimal instant, God can't possibly be neither.

[btbc92]

I can see why God would keep you single and women like me away from you. You're too busy talking crap out of your a**. I can tell your just not a desirable man because you look how you speak to me, and you don't me? Everything about me is who you are inside. I doubt a woman is interested in a woman-hater.

[btbc92]

No, I can tell you your just mentally ill.

[Opinion Owner]

@btbc92 You are a woman (more's the pity). I find myself disliking YOU. That does not mean that I "hate women", or that I'm "a woman-hater"- at least, not any more than you're "a man-hater" for expressing your dislike for and hatred for me. Because surprise surprise, NOT ALL WOMEN ARE THE SAME! Go figure!

[btbc92]

No. You do hate women. So you can stop the BS and the lies. I can see right off the bat you don't even know half of the stuff you're talking about. And you are of the devil, as no Godly man speaks like you. Not even good atheist and I have atheist friends. And the only women you claim not to hate are the women who are avoiding you too if not cheat.

[btbc92]

I really don't care if you like me or not. Your darkness is that much I am used to it all my life. Nothing new. Your words are not important to me.

[btbc92]

Good women don't put up with abusers like yourself.

[Opinion Owner]

As for how I speak to you, and I don't (know?) you- why else do you think I'm talking to you this way? I don't know you- all I've had to go by are your words. And thus far, you've made it clear that you believe that sexual attraction is inherently sinful (so long as it's MEN being sexually aroused by women or porn, and that men have NO right to judge women equally for it, because MAH PUSSY POOWAH), and that you're a creationist Bible Basher with a whole list of views that's be perfectly in keeping with a member of the congregation of the Westboro Baptist Church. That's all I know; and it's plenty enough for any guy, especially of my demographic, to decide conclusively that you're not worth liking, or treating in a polite or cordial manner. You got a problem with that? Pray to your God to smite me down. See how that works out for ya.

[Opinion Owner]

Of course, that'd be no different to my race's "Voodoo/Obeah Witchcraft", and be "of the DEVIL". But hey, because you're soo Godly and pure and virtuous in every way, I'm sure that only your one and only God would answer your call to kill some random stranger out of pure spite, and that your Devil wouldn't be at all interested in answering that call in God's stead. Amirite?

[btbc92]

Dude, are you that mad your not a woman or something? You sound like you don't even have any friends or a normal life. I never said sexual attraction is sinful. I said lusting, porn, and masturbation are sinful. That has nothing to do with sexual attraction. That is how confused you are as a person. And ill-informed you are about life, biology, spiritual matters, ad what God says and didn't say. You knowing nothing about women, or sex, or love and you want to talk about judgment? You can't judge. You need psychological help. Sexual attraction is not based on that. You can lust without having sexual attraction. Even I know it's a sin. Goes to show you know nothing. I have met plenty of handsome and attractive men, who even wanted to date me. Just because they were sexually attractive. Does that mean I have to hop in his pants? No. Does that mean I have to undress him with my eyes? No. Does that give me the right to violate or touch him? No. Does that mean I have to fantasize about him? No. Is this man my husband? No. And even then I would never treat him poorly or low. At any given time, I wouldn't have been a virgin and could have had hundreds of men. What does God call that? WHOREDOMS. I am not a whore. And I will not whore myself to no man, not even a husband. So I don't know what BS your spewing. But you act like a manwhore if that is what you want. Stop complaining if all you get are whores. You are who you attract.

[btbc92]

So I KNOW why you're talking to me this way. You have demons in you that are leeching off of your negative energy and you have a poor view of women for reasons you also caused on yourself. You have that much hatred for women you call me ugly, obese, feminist, and everything that doesn't even matter to me. LET ALONE THINGS and labels I am NOT. Your hearts not poor, your mind is ugly and you think all of that stuff MATTERS concerning sex, love, and marriage. That is how far out of reach you are with reality and people, I can tell you don't even interact and communicate well with people. You are the type of man these women I don't care if secular, religious, spiritual, or whoever would WANT to not be around. I am not a perfect person, but people like you have undesirable qualities that would turn anybody off! And you think your physical attractiveness is going to matter when it doesn't. Looks and personality can CHANGE over TIME. Your morals, standards, values, principles, and standards DOESN'T. If this is how you speak to women, how you speak to people, this will leave you single. Because no woman wants to be treated this way! None! Not even a prostitute out in the streets wants to be treated like that.

[Opinion Owner]

@btbc92 Yup, called it.

[btbc92]

And this is how I know you have serious issues. You do not have to be a Christian, religious, believe in God, etc to understand what I am telling you is the BASICS FACTS OF LIFE! Because apparently you cannot HANDLE life, and something happened that made you have these distorted view or people, particularly women. And you need psychological help because you're unhealthy as a man and as a person. And you lack so much self-awareness you don't even see yourself. Or you have and you are too scared to change from this. And id depressed, miserable and unhappy with SELF. Yet, you do NOTHING to change from it. You don't repent from it. I can tell you know your wrong, and you still defend the toxic behavior instead of getting HELP. At this point. I don't care what your personal believes are about women, or me. I am more concerned about your salvation. That includes your mental and psychological health. Because you are ae that broken down as a man. Taking care of yourself is more important than worrying about what other women are doing.

[btbc92]

Sex is a marriage and marriage is about having sex. Love creates sex. Not the other way around. Goes to show what you know about either of the two: 0.

[btbc92]

You are not a woman's husband. You are not entitled to sex. Period. Stop getting mad.

[Opinion Owner]

@btbc92 Which came first- the chicken or the egg? If the chicken's incapable of laying eggs (love without sex) then it'll die out, and there'll be no more chickens or eggs. And if the eggs can't hatch into chickens (sex without love), then it won't be good for anything other than eating (i. e, consumerism, hedonistic indulgence). I believe that BOTH are necessary for a healthy relationship. And I refuse to compromise and settle for a relationship with only one or the other, let alone one with neither. What's wrong with that?

[btbc92]

Do you even understand what your quoting? I don't even think so. All you want is sex. Which is why you don't get sex. "Love without sex" = Is just sex. "Sex without Love" = Is just sex. So what do you want? Sex. You don't want love. You want sex. Love births sex, sex doesn't birth love. You cannot have both. You only have one or the other. Without sacrifice, there cannot be. I have friends who are married with children who didn't do what you talk about as I told many. They have sex because they have love. I have friends who had sex and had no love. Don't even know what love from a man is because that is all they knew was that giving sex makes a man give love, yet they never felt loved. Just used for sex. Who the hell are you fooling? Yourself. And if your not a virgin yourself, then you should know what you do is your responsibility. A woman cannot tell the difference with sex if all your going to teach her is just sex and not love. You can love without having sex, but you want sex so much because sex is easier than having love. Because love requires sacrifice yet you expect us to sacrifice ourselves, and lives for you for only a few minutes of pleasure? My mom would have been alive had she not got cancer from HPV that somebody gave her that she lost her virginity to. She never slept around and only had 2 partners. Her first boyfriend who was much older than her which should be considered rape, and my father whom she had premarital sex and got me from what, but who she also married and died married to that man. Who also believes like you. And he abused us both. You don't fool me.

[btbc92]

Your wrong and this leaves you stupid. It is not about chicken or the egg but whether or NOT you have any business having SEX at ALL? No, you don't. Because by your logic, that is how my mother got sick and she died. If that is the case, one of my friends would have been married with children. All the men she wanted to marry used her. And the husband she thought she could have a life with, abused her emotionally with the same filth, called her prude in bed. How much that has hurt her. Almost could have lost her life over that man. Because he learned that from his parents and his older family members who do the same thing. And many others I can mention. FAITHFUL WOMEN and not one eve felt LOVED. But you LUST, your porn addicted, threaten to find other women and cheat, and do no different than the women you judge. You lie! I can say for nearly 30 years of my life, you lie. All you want is sex. Because once sex is gone you want no INVESTMENT. How many sins are born from your loins?

[btbc92]

The truth is you don't believe both are necessary. You believe your in entitled to sex and think a woman is supposed to just love it, enjoy it, shut up about it. While a woman is depressed, unhappy, hurt sexually by how you have sex with her, and you only want to do anything if it gets you sex. That is the only reason you do what you do. If a good man already knows how to love, he knows how to treat her right. He will get sex and even knows to stop if he doesn't want to, not because he wouldn't but because he loves and RESPECTS HER. Has nothing to do if he is a high libido or not. But because he has the makings of a man who not only knows how to love a woman because he is confident in himself, love himself as he loves others, doesn't feel threatened by another man, and of course may even know how to make love to a woman, from what I've heard from my late mother, friends, etc who aren't virgins, there is a distant between sex and making love. And many of you from what I heard, just know how to "F", but is poor in bed and don't know how to make love. And you don't even know how to love OUTSIDE of the bedroom.

[btbc92]

And how you are talking to me. I can see WHY. I don't even have to have sex with you to know your poor sexually and would be a bad lover. What you do, what you believe, what you think, what you say is WHY a woman hates having sex or grows to hate having sex with YOU as a man. But may not with another who doesn't. All those things affect how a woman views men, sees sex, and stops enjoying it, and her mind shuts down. And if they don't cheat, they may want to divorce and leave you. They rather are alone than to be in a miserable sexual relationship with a man who constantly mistreats them but you demand sex. What you need, what you crave, like its burger king. No respect for the women you have and you treat your pets better than you treat women, like cattle.

[Opinion Owner]

@btbc92 Pffft. This whole thread's HILARIOUS. You remember what this was about in the first place- what the OG question was? Thought not. You do you- go be your Holier-than-Thou Virgin Mary, running telling everyone that "Love Without Sex= is Just Sex! EVERYTHING IS JUST SEX, YOU WANT SEX, YOU EVIL, WICKED SATAN SPAWN!" Hell, toss your holy water on your screen and keyboard. Me, though? I can't be arsed any more.

[btbc92]

Buddy, your not worth it. God never said sex was evil. What you choose to do with it is. You not worth having sexual relations with and you're mad about it because it's clear you don't have somebody to do so. Like really. If marriage is what I want, what my husband and I do sexually is none of your business. What I warn about is not sex being evil. Just stay away from men who aren't worth your time who aren't going to make you feel like sex with him would be a chore. ^^

[btbc92]

At the end of the day, I was trying to help YOU out. But you do this to yourself. So have a nice life. I know men who would be quick to disagree with you. And these are men who can get relationships. Just because I chose celibacy, I NEVER said I couldn't get into one. Been asked out and proposed to enough to speak on it. I just avoided them because we weren't compatible and not of my focus. Don't know what you're talking about. And more than half have said they wanted to be with me because I was sexually attractive and nice. I have every right to tell them no for superficial reasons they had. A man's love and devotion should not be contingent on whether or not I open up my life. I have sex with somebody who is my husband and choose my husband based on my choices and God's. Not somebody like you to tell me what my worth is.

[btbc92]

Sex should be an expression of love between 1 man and 1 woman who is husband and wife. To be married is to first be qualified. Marriage is a sexual union that should be honored. And having sex in marriage honors God. Lusting, cheating, fornication, etc are sexual deviancy that is displeasing to him.

[ChrisMaster69]

Love marriage every time.

however would not do it again.

being in the UK, you see a lot of arranged marriages and it’s never for the benefit of the girl or guy getting married.

the number of honour killings, or acid attacks etc linked to it is crazy.

There is a flagging system for it, which shows just how good arranged marriages are...

https://www.cps.gov.uk/legal-guidance/so-called-honour-based-abuse-and-forced-marriage-guidance-identifying-and-flagging

[90sVibe]

I wouldn't choose either one. I'm so glad I don't live where arranged marriages are a thing, and honestly with what modern society considers "love" I wouldn't chose that either. I would marry when and if I met the right person who I felt like could be my life long partner for more than just feelings and emotions.

[Asker]

That's such a nice thing

[Aurora1010]

I wish my culture did arranged marriages
These day they get to know eachother first and choose if they like and want to get married or not
So eventually love forms and since they're traditional they try working out problems until divorce really is the final option
Where in our custom we date someone for years and it may end and date another for some more years, and it may not work. Cause it usually takes them years to propose.
And you may waste your youth on assholes
I like the arranged method, all the way
You can be arranged and find love with your wife/husband

[btbc92]

You can do this without arranged marriage. You just need to learn what love is and find somebody who shares your values and desires equally. It's not that hard, people just make that harder. Don't waste years dating somebody who is not going to do right by you. It shouldn't take years to figure out if you want something perminant. It better to be friends at that point. Not dating. Date only when you are ready for something real unless somebody does things that disqualifies them from getting married to you. It's about wisdom. Not how many years you're with a person.

[Kas19]

Not really. You're supposed to date until you find out they're an asshole and dump them. I'd rather find someone I'm compatible with, see how it goes, start a commuted relationship, then get married once we're both ready.

[ProfoundNflawed]

I belong to a culture where arranged marriages are prevalent, although I choose love over arranged, I agree with your point that we may waste our youth on assholes.
My grandpa and grandma had an arranged marriage, and they're still going strong (60 years).

[Aurora1010]

Yeah. Both can work, but another thing about dating is you can find the love of your life but if it ends then you will be left with the biggest heartbreak.
If you just go for arranged then you probably won't have that problem
I talked to some people who's family came from arranged marriages, and they said to me that their parents were happy.
You can find the love of your life through arranged marriage, as well as i've explained.
In fact... I think I read once that studies show that the chemistry in arranged marriages goes up in contrast to non-arranged, whereas it goes down.
In my opinion it's better but I respect the opinion of anyone else as well... just a thought

[Aurora1010]

These days they have more freedom and can choose a love marriage if they want so that is good

[clalinesuu]

My love life haven’t ever worked well through out my life time. Probably because im just bad at seeing through people when dating.


So i trust my dad he is a very smart person and i trust that the guy he chooses would be better than the guy i choose.


I just wanna feel a sense of belonging at this point.

[Asker]

Date a guy in which you can see the qualities of your father

[IronLady6354]

My obvious answer is "love marriage", but that is honestly largely me being apart of a very individualistic culture. There are other cultures where they continue to do arranged marriages. It's also not like those marriages are all horrible unhappy ones. There are actually quite a few arranged marriages that produce happy relationships. Sure, that's not always the case, but you can't say that's always the case in our culture either.

[Smashingdoozy]

Would I prefer to be forced into marriage against my will or entirely by my own choice hmmm 🤔 so difficult.

[Tstrbrainer]

While I do agree with most of your points, especially not disturbing others while in class, and on other things like following road safety rules, respecting parents authority while living under their roof etc,

I really support their culture requiring people to be independent.

[Tstrbrainer]

Shit, that was meant to be a reply, not an opinion, I should sleep more 🤦‍♂️🤦‍♂️🤦‍♂️🤦‍♂️

[nelly83]

arraigned marriage. Its been proven arranged marriages tend to last longer than love marriages. Just take a look at all the western countries' divorce rates.

[LegacyRXT]

that has nothing to do with arranged vs love, thats just the plain fact that marriges are stupid

[Asker]

@nelly83 I somewhat I agreet with your opinion. It has been shown arrange marriage last longer than love marriage. But I guess that is nothing to do with the culture.
Arranged marriage in western culture would also have a high divorce rate. It's just that the culture of arranged marriage does not exist in western culture.
It's just that in western culture children become independent very early ( financially, emotionally) so they tend to take decision in hurry so higher divorce rate.
Plus western culture there is no concept of being judged by the family and community. People are more open to the idea of divorce so more divorce.
In India even if the partners aren't very happy with each other the divorce is very unlikely to happen

[nelly83]

@asker, You need to realize that the secret to a long lasting marriage is the willingness to stick together. It is not about passion, it is not about romance. It is about trying your hardest to make the marriage work. If you base whether or not you will divorce on how you feel about someone, trust me, you will divorce them sooner or later. Every relationship has terrible times. And these bad times, unenjoyable times may last months or even years. Ask anyone who had been in a long marriage , if they had long periods of times where they absolutely hated their spouses. Many of them would say yes. You cannot divorce marriage over and over again like you break up in relationships. You need to stick it out.

[Tstrbrainer]

@nelly83 , it's a different story when the couple are forced to stick to each other due to external pressures.
Divorce is waay better than being forced to live with someone you don't like for various reasons

[nelly83]

@Tstrbrainer Marriage has its benefits. You will always have someone who has your back. Realize that as you get older, the moer likely you are to grow lonely. All your friends from your 20s are all married and with their kids. Your brother is married. Sure , your brother can help you but you're no longer his first prioirty. HIS WIFE AND KIDS will be his first priority. He doesn't have the time to see you. As people age, they need to work full time jobs and raise kids. They have no time to go out and hangout and make new friends. This means that you likely will be spending much of your older years alone for overwhelming majority of the time. Its a pretty lonely life, unless you're a huge introvert.

What if you break your leg and can't pay the bills for two years? what if you have cancer and you can't afford to hire a nurse to care for you?

what if you wanted to go on vacation but you can't find someone who is willing to go with you?

If I had a husband , I wouldn't have to worry about any of those things.

As you age, your chances of finding love and getting remarried DECREASES. It does not increase.

So if you're gonna spend your years after 40+ being single and assuming that you will find love the same way as you did in your 20s, you're completely wrong.

[nelly83]

@Tstrbrainer of course nobody should be forced to stick in an abusive marriage. But I do think that having a family / spouse is very important in life. there's a lot of security, and financial strength, and companionship to being married.

[Tstrbrainer]

Yeah, marriage is generally a safer option for many.

But I don't support the intervention of third parties in marriage and marital life.
It's okay, if the partners are cool with it, otherwise, arranged marriages take an invasive form, interfering with their free will and privacy.

Many marriages fail due to the intervention of parents and family members

[nelly83]

@Tstrbrainer I think its also important to understand that when you marry someone, you also marry their family. Unless your spouse is willing to abandon their family for you, its best to not wed them. People think that marriage is just about the couple. It is not. In marriage, you are added to their family. Their father or mother will now be your father or mother.

Marriage is not as simple as it seems

[Tstrbrainer]

Marriage is creating a new family, not adding to an existing one. The later idea might lead to a tug of war between the families of both the spouses.

I once read about a case where a marriage was endangered because of the involvement of the mother of the wife.

[nelly83]

@Tstrbrainer Marriage is about creating a new family. But your children WILL need to see grandma and grandpa right? your grandchildren will need to see their uncles and aunts and cousins right? every Christmas or Thanksgiving, your spouse will want to have a family gathering! Or on birthdays, grandparents and cousins and aunts would come over to celebrate.

so if their family hates you, how are you going to survive all these years? are you just gonna leave the house whenever your extended family visits?

No parent is going to enjoy telling their kids that they shouldn't ever see grandma.

Like I said, unless your spouse is willing to abandon their family for you. You're gonna have a real hard time with the marriage.

[nelly83]

@Tstrbrainer But I think there isn't such a thing as a marriage being "endangered" because of his relationship with the mother in law, if your spouse puts you as first priority in her life. She would cut off her own mother for you. If your marriage is at risk because of your mother in law, it shows that you're not the only one who matters in her life. Her mothers matters a great deal too.

And this is why people should always marry someone who gets along with their family. Marrying someone who doesn't get along with your family causes all sorts of nuisance problems that you do not have to deal with

Traditionally in almost all cultures, its the husband who always tries to please his wife's parents. But in American culture, we don't have a culture where young people are expected to show respect and to please their elders.

[nelly83]

@Tstrbrainer Your spouse loves you but she also loves her own parents. Frequently, she's not willing to cut off her own parents , just to satisfy you. Sure, marriage does create family. But would she create a family with you, just to abandon her own parents/ brothers/ sisters? Not many people would do that.

Traditionally in almost all cultures around the world, marriage means the bride entering the groom's family, which is why you see women taking the last names of their husbands. The families of the bride's side acknowledge the groom as a legitimate family member. This is how things are done almost everywhere else around the world.

[Tstrbrainer]

Yes you are right. But parents can be overprotective too.
This is dangerous especially in cultures where young people are expected to obey and please their elders.
The case I read about, the wife's mother was controlling her life, the wife will always consult her mother and follow her opinion. That woman fixed their honeymoon destination and many other stuff which the couple should take decisions between themselves.

Like, they are adults. Why get her daughter married if she wasn't capable of taking her own decisions? And the daughter was naive enough to listen to her.

This is not an isolated case in cultures where families and traditions are given too much importance.

The positive sides of family is diminished by such invasive relatives

[nelly83]

@Tstrbrainer In this case, the man married the wrong woman. You should never ever marry someone who doesn't have a spine and always follows what her parents tell her to do. This is actually not the first time I've heard of a tragic story where a woman married a man who only listened to his parents. It ended up with a shooting and the wife dying.

When I look for a husband, I would never ever marry someone who listens to his parents over me. Its always a recipe for disaster.

I think its more so that he married the wrong person more than the controlling mother in law. Parents will always think they are right and try to control everything. Its not uncommon.
But I have been rebelling against my parents since I was a teen. I really don't have to pay attention most of their comments. But marrying a husband or taking in a man who my family doesn't like , is gonna cause a whole new set of problems that I am not interested in dealing with. Bringing in someone my family doesn't like is only gonna BREAK UP my family and cause a whole new lack of peace.

But from my experience, usually family members want to like or please their new son in laws. If her parents do not like you, it is usually a sign that you're probably not a decent person or you're severely lacking in some aspect.

[nelly83]

@Tstrbrainer You might find it surprising. But from my experience, if your family or friends do not like your boyfriend/ husband, there is usually something bad about him that you failed to see. When people are too madly in love, they only see the positives of their significant others but fail to see the negative qualities.

In fact, I have seen some really bad things happen to women who continued to date men whom their families and friends disliked. It wasn't until many years later after a lot of pain and grief that she finally understood why her family and friends didn't like him.

[Tstrbrainer]

It's a point. But dislikes can also arise due to religion, caste, race, status, etc.

[Tstrbrainer]

And obviously, a conservative family won't be happy with their kids marrying people from the same gender

[nelly83]

@Tstrbrainer

Generally if your spouse is family oriented , they would dump you eventually if their family doesn’t like you.

[Tstrbrainer]

Probably.
By the way, are you from any Asian country?

[nelly83]

@Tstrbrainer My parents are from asia. I am fully born and raised American. This is how I have knowledge of how marriages in other countries work. In america, people just think that marriage in US culture is the same way it works all around the world. Its not the same

[Tstrbrainer]

Yeah Asian countries are more family oriented. Everything got it's pros and cons

[nelly83]

@Tstrbrainer Its not only Asian dude. Its every where in the world. In Iran, Eastern european countries, Isreal / jews, middle eastern countries, india / china. When a couple gets married, the bride marries into the groom's family. The bride is owned by the groom's family , she parted ways with her old family. Of course it doesn't mean that she can't ever remain in touch with them. The groom gets recognized as an official member of the bride's family too. Usually the bride and groom have the task of pleasing their mother / father in laws. All of these cultures have the values of respecting their elders and respecting their parents. Parents are seen as the matriarchs / patriarchs of the family.

In america, when a man and woman gets married, they are seen as a separate entity from their parents / brothers / sisters. Usually the couple loses contact with their former families. And they are on their own to raise their children without any assistance from their parents.

In Asian families, grandparents are usually tasked with the duty to assist with raising their grand kids.

But I honestly don't think that all americans are not family oriented. Being family oriented is more of an individual thing rather than a cultural thing. I have seen very family oriented italians, hispanics, jewish people.

[nelly83]

@Tstrbrainer America also is probably the only country in the world where children are not required to respect their elders. In other countries such as russia , china, being a senior entitles you to be treated with more respect and dignity from younger folks. In america, older folks are usually treated with less respect.

[Tstrbrainer]

Respect is something to be earned, isn't it?

I don't want to respect an old person just because he/she have some grey hair and wrinkles.

I'm also from a country which values traditions, so I understand it's more of a personal choice

[nelly83]

@Tstrbrainer Do you understand why American kids are so poorly educated and one of the most misbehaved kids in the world? we are one of the richest countries in the world, but yet why are our kids so poorly educated?

Because our kids are disrespectful and disobedient to authority. In America, its very common to see children being disrespectful to parents and teachers. When you're disrespectful to the teacher, the teacher cannot teach well. In many public schools, the teachers have a harder time getting kids to behave than to teach. You cannot learn if you're constantly talking to your friends, texting, or causing disruptions in class by being mischievous. If a teacher tells you to listen, you listen. You don't question about why you must follow the teacher's orders.

When your parents yell at you for breaking a curfew, you should not argue back. In america, its very common for kids to argue back and frequently even threaten to call Child protective services in order to avoid punishment.

Respect is something that is taught EARLY ON in children's lives WITHOUT EXPLANATION. This is in almost all countries except america.

In japan, respect is taught in school prior to kids even learning to read. As a result, their country's crime rate is almost non existent. Kids are taught to respect not only their elders but also friends, family members, colleagues. All the kids obey orders very well and even are responsible for cleaning their classrooms and lunch boxes at school. As a result, everyone in japan is respectful and polite. People don't litter. Their country has one of the most educated, smartest kids in the world.

Meanwhile in the US, almost all your kids are borderline math illiterate. Educational standards lowering every year.

[nelly83]

@Tstrbrainer Respecting your elders is linked to a child respecting authority. If you do not respect your elders, there is a very high chance that you did not respect your parents or authority as a child.

[nelly83]

@Tstrbrainer America has a culture of kicking kids out at 18 and making them survive on their own. Not the same occurs in other countries such as china. America also has a culture where parents send their kids off after they get married. The newly weds form their own family and are usually disconnected from their parents. After newly weds get married, there is barely any real communication between them and their parents.

But lets be honest, how many people would actually abandon their mothers / fathers / loved ones , just to marry someone? Its not likely its gonna happen.

[Tstrbrainer]

While I do agree with most of your points, especially not disturbing others while in class, and on other things like following road safety rules, respecting parents authority while living under their roof etc,

I really support their culture requiring people to be independent.

[nelly83]

@Tstrbrainer You can be family oriented but yet also be independent. I'm independent but I'm not willing to give up my family , just to marry a man. It just comes to show that you don't really value your family. Your parents are disposable, after you no longer need them.

I am family oriented. I owe my life to my parents. Without them, I wouldn't be here today. My parents has provided me with more than any husband will ever provide for me. My broke parents raised me for 25 years, selflessly paid for everything from pencils to food to graduation trips to the only gifts that i ever received from anybody, paid my college tuition, medical bills, tolerated me during the worst tempers of my life.

And now, you're expecting me to completely side with a new man who I only met for a couple of years? What has this guy done for me? did he sacrifice his life for me? did he pay my college tuition? did he work his ass off for over 20 years just so that i can have a better future? He hadn't provided me with even half of what my parents have done for me throughout my life.

And guess what is even funnier? once the marriage sours (like the rest of the 46% of all marriages that ultimately end in divorce), you're gonna go crawling back to your parents again.

This comes to show how selfish some people are. You only side with those when you have something to gain from them.

If I had a son who would abandon his family to marry a piece of trash, trust me. He will not receive any warmth if you decide to ever crawl back to me again.

[nelly83]

@Tstrbrainer Generally if your family / friends mostly do not like the person you are marrying. It is usually a sign that he/ she is not a decent person. I know this from my experience. Back during the late 1980s, I had an aunt who wanted to marry this guy. His family rejected her severely. Nobody understood why until 20 years later, when we discovered that she was the nastiest, most evil , greedy person in the world. She stole inheritance from her sibligs, had a pattern of getting innocent people fired, lying, manipulating, bullying others.

I've also read many other examples of how there were also many others who regretted not listening to their families' judgement. Because they did end up finding out how bad of a person their partners were. When you're in love, you're blinded by love. Thus , you're not a good judge of character.

[nelly83]

@Tstrbrainer Being independent has its pitfalls. Your grandkids will never be able to see their grandparents. You will not receive help from anyone to raise your kids. It'll just be you and your wife. And trust me, baby sitters are expensive. If your wife drops her job to stay home to care for kids, you would be missing an income. Most families in america live paycheck to paycheck. Both husband and wife working to make ends meet.

If your parents kicked you out at 18, you would not have anyone to pay for your college tuition. Generally kids without parents being willing to pay for their college expenses would find it almost impossible to attend college.

What if you break a leg and become unable to work? who is going to help you pay a full years worth of rent? $10k? Your neighbors aren't. Your friends aren't.

It all boils down to lack of family values and the opportunistic mindset of "constantly trying to seek someone better than the last person "

If you can be happy living through harsh times without anyone's assistance, then sure go ahead. But I think its a very risky way to live.

[Tstrbrainer]

Yeah, I do agree with a lot of points you said about family.
That's really important.

But still choose the adventurous life, at least I'll have my freedom

[nelly83]

@Tstrbrainer Well if its worth the risk, then go ahead. But not many people are willing to sacrifice their parents and family for a someone.

[nelly83]

@Tstrbrainer And do not doubt the judgement of your family and friends. There is a 90% chance that if all your family and friends do not like the person you are with, you are not with a decent person. I have seen many of such marriages / relationships play out terribly

[Tstrbrainer]

Yeah. I understand, in the absence of ego or race or other such factors, if family opposes something , they would have a point.

[nelly83]

@Tstrbrainer here's the big problem about marriage. Nowadays, there are a ton of single parents around , divorced, or broken up. Its not uncommon to find a kid raised without a father around. Marriage is what creates family. If you're going to constantly divorce (simply because you are bored of your wife), you're not only leaving her but you're also breaking up your own family.

Have you ever seen those warm cozy Christmas family celebrations or family gatherings? All your 3 kids coming back home for Christmas, bringing all your grandchildren, son in laws, daughter in laws. This is a very warm cozy family environment where everyone has got each other's backs and cherish / love each other.

Such family gatherings are eroding / disappearing. Soon, you will find 60 yr olds spending Christmas in an empty house. Your adult child visit for one day then they leave for your ex wife's home within a few hours.

And the reason for why divorce is so rampant today is because nowadays, marriage is not about family anymore. It is about enjoyment, excitement, fun. Once the fun, excitement fades in the marriage, you dump the mother of your children , for a younger, hotter, more exciting woman. People are constantly seeking the next best thing. Everyone is constantly looking for someone better than the last.

In 20 years, I can guarantee you that there will be no such thing as family. Or if there is, nobody would care about family.

[Tstrbrainer]

I don't agree with the last paragraph. Humanity have been through many situations.

I'm sure even after 100 years, there will still be families, and toxic families

[nelly83]

@Tstrbrainer You can disagree all you want. But if you're willing to divorce a million times, never marry, breaking up the family just because your romantic relationship didn't work out. Then family will DISINTEGRATE. By divorcing, you are showing that families are never permanent. If you want to continue the tradition of family, you need to show your kids that you value family.

For example, your dad divorces your mom. He gets married to another woman 5 years later and has kids with his new wife. Soon, your father is so busy with his exciting new children that he no longer has time to spend with you. Your weekly visits to your dad's house, has turned into one visit every two months. You are no longer first priority in your dad's life.

here's another example,
Your dad divorces your mom. You are known to your dad's brothers / sisters/ cousins (your uncles/ aunts) as his son. When your father remarries and has kids with his new wife. You will be turn into a nobody in family gatherings. His new wife won't appreciate seeing you there either. His new wife and kids would be seen as an official part of the family. You will be considered odd bird.

[nelly83]

@Tstrbrainer Example:

If your father never married your mother, then they birthed you. 10 years later, your father decided to break up with your mother. Your father ends up marrying another woman and has kids with her, his new wife and kids will be seen as official part of the extended family by your father's brothers / sisters/ cousins. You will be seen as "his son" but not as an official part of your relative's family. You have no real place within your relatives' family circle. You're seen as the unofficial child.

There won't be anymore "coming home for Christmas" family gatherings because your Christmas will just be yourself all alone in an empty house, waiting for your kids to visit you for a few hours, before they head over to your ex wife's house to visit her for a few hours. Your kids will need to pick between visiting mom or dad on Christmas.

These examples do not demonstrate any family values.

[nelly83]

@Tstrbrainer You can definitely divorce your wife, marry another woman to be a mother figure to your kids. But your children knows that she's not their mother. Your kids want their real mom. You have kids with this new wife, soon her child will the first priority in the family. Your prior kids will be last priority. And guess what? your prior kids will always want their real mom over their step mom.

[Tstrbrainer]

Yeah, these things have happened throughout the history. But still families continue in the society.

And I'm sure, they won't go extinct in the future, even if many people abandon the idea.

[nelly83]

@Tstrbrainer These things were rather uncommon all throughout history. Not saying it never happened but its just happened very little back then. Nowadays, its happening everywhere. Its like the most recent fashion statement. Its cool to not get married, its cool to get divorced, its cool to have a step mom, its normal to see your dad once a month.

And quite honestly, its VERY FUCKED UP, especially for the kids.

[nelly83]

@Tstrbrainer And for you to agree that breaking up a family just because your romance didn't work out is totally ok, it shows you have no family values or acknowledgement for family. A person who thinks this way is usually lacking in warmth, unkind and selfish.

[Tstrbrainer]

But I feel like it's better than the past where there was multiple wives and husbands across various cultures slavery and lack of freedom.

I think it's better not to get married that getting married and cheating

[nelly83]

@Tstrbrainer You don't cheat. If you're gonna go through life planning on getting rid of family because you grew bored of your wife, then you're never gonna have a real family that you can rely on. You're just gonna keep dating and then breaking up, dating then breaking up, dating then breaking up. By the time you're 60, you're likely to die all alone anyways.

As michelle obama says "you can't tinder your way into a long term relationship". If you're gonna just break up every single time a relationship hits a bump, you're just gonna end up with long series of different relationships, none of which ever seems to last.

[nelly83]

@Tstrbrainer Michelle Obama

www.insider.com/michelle-obama-you-cant-tinder-into-long-term-relationship-dating-2020-9

"There were times that I wanted to push Barack out of the window," Obama said.

"And I say that because it's like, you've got to know the feelings will be intense. But that doesn't mean you quit. And these periods can last a long time. They can last years."

It doesn't mean your relationship is "broken" and you should give up when you face challenges, Obama advised young couples.

"I just want to say, look, if that breaks a marriage, then Barack and I have been broken off and on, throughout our marriage, but we have a very strong marriage," she said.

"And if I had given up on it, if I had walked away from it, in those tough times, then I would've missed all the beauty that was there as well."

[Tstrbrainer]

What she said was wise

[nelly83]

@Tstrbrainer because it came from michelle obama, then thats why you finally agree there is some validity to anything that I've said.

[Tstrbrainer]

Nope, not because of that.
She said some good examples for people who like to get into relationship.
I still find it a waste of time for me

[nelly83]

@Tstrbrainer What you get out of life is what you make of it. If you're constantly trying to seek something better, you will only end up a life full of adventures but nobody stable that you can trust / rely on forever.

For me, I enjoy the idea of having a family that loves me. I like having a safe haven to come home to, people who I know that will have my back. I like the idea of having a Christmas/ Thanksgiving to come home to. In my opinion, it gets lonely if you're always living all alone in an empty apartment. Friends are increasingly hard to make as you get older. Many folks do not realize this until they hit their mid to late 40s. I know a 61 yr old man who chose to never marry. By this point, he regrets his decision and claims he's lonely in retirement.

[Tstrbrainer]

Either he's not rich, or he doesn't want to sleep around with younger women.

[nelly83]

@Tstrbrainer Trust me, there are a lot of lonely elderly folks in their 50s-60s. I have done massage therapy for many older clients. A lot of them are secretly lonely and frequently are looking for someoen to talk to. When you're single in your 20s-30s, its no problem , as when you're this age you still have friends and a social life / dating life.

As you enter your 40s, thats when you start seeing that dating getting increasingly difficult with age. Dating does not get easier as you get older. Making friends doesn't get easier as you get older. If you think your dating life will stay the same during your 40s, as your twenties. You are wrong.

There is a stereotype that all old guys like dating girls as young as possible. It may be true for perverts but it is not true for the most part. From my experience, many older guys in their 40s-60s have no interest in 18-20 something yr olds. They see us like kids. They can't relate to us. We can't relate to them. And we usually have completely different lifestyles. If they were to be interested in a woman, its usually a woman who is 35+.

Usually when a man in his 40s+ is interested in a twenty something yr old, it almost always mainly sexual rather than romantic relationship.

[Tstrbrainer]

Are you sure that all these elderly people were never married?

Also, I don't think that many men, even in their deathbed will not find a pretty young woman amusing.

[nelly83]

@Tstrbrainer Many of them have been single their whole lives. Some are divorced but with kids. What I have found is that this loneliness usually affects the folks without spouses or kids. It does not usually affect the divorcees with kids. Generally, humans are not meant to live alone. There are exceptions but for overwhelming majority of the population, humans are not mean to be alone and without family.

Most older guys would use a young woman for sex, but not be serious about dating her. There is a difference between wanting to be with someone to use them as a sex toy vs wanting someone to be your romantic partner.

And trust me, overwhelming vast majority of young women are usually not attracted to old guys.

[nelly83]

@Tstrbrainer Loneliness tends to creep up on you as you age. Its not something that hits you when you are in your 20s-30s. In your 20s, your social lives are booming and everyone is single so you get a ton of dates. When you hit your 30s, this is when social lives start taking a downturn. You will realize most of your friends rather take care of their kids and wives rather than hangout with you at the bar.

As you age, you will find many of your peers become taken. The single ones tend to be much much younger women such as over 10+ years younger, who usually are reluctant to date someone so much older.

You will find that many women around your age are single moms, which you would be hesitant to date.

Your physical attractiveness goes downhill. You might find that its harder to get the attention of the opposite sex , as before.

As you can see, dating doesn't get better as you get older. If you want to date and start a family, your young years is the prime time to do it.

[nelly83]

@Tstrbrainer I will tell you a story:

There was a 48 yr old man who was suffering from back pain , he injured his back years ago. He hired me visit him in his apartment to give him a massage. He didn't have any family, no kids to check up on him.

Due to his back issues, he could barely walk nor even manage take a shower. By the time I reached him, had spent 3 days without showering nor changing his clothes. I felt very badly for him. He desperately needed a shower so he paid me an additional sum to help him with the showering. Then he told me that he wanted me to help him with his sexual needs since he didn't have a wife. And at his age, most men have generally stopped dating.

After all the duties were done, he wanted to keep talking to me in his apartment. I could tell that he didn't want the conversation to end. But I had to head onto my next client. He was lonely but i think he got used to it to a certain extent. But still, I can tell he wanted a friend.

I felt quite bad for him because I came from a household with family. Every time I got home, I have someone there to greet me and make sure I am doing ok. I can't imagine what it would be like to suffer in silence in an empty apartment without having anyone whose got my back.

he's a doctor so he can afford to hire a masseuse or hire help. What if he's the average joe making 40-60k a year? would the average joe be able to afford hired help?

[Tstrbrainer]

I'd rather hier a woman of my choice to help me with my sexual needs.

Plus families are a safer option, they are never a guarantee that one would always have their back covered

[nelly83]

@Tstrbrainer Family will always have your back. As long as you care enough to stick together and prioritize family. Folks who do not prioritize family or do not treat their family members well will end up finding themselves having no family to care for them.

And I can tell that someone like you won't have any family to have your back , because you simply do not prioritize family. What you must understand is that, you must treat family well and care for family well and prioritize family in order to have them love you back , in return.

There is a saying "what goes around, come around". If you're often kind and respectful to others, you will find that most people will treat with kindness and respect , in return.

If you're gonna be rude and disrespectful to others , you will find that many will be rude and uncaring to you.

[nelly83]

@Tstrbrainer

And what also important to maintaining family is to "never accept a failure of a marriage as an option". You can't divorce every time you have a huge fight with your wife.

Just like michelle obama said "you can' tinder (or swipe left) your way into a long term relationship".

You need to stick together and actively look for solutions to problems. Because reality is, if you divorced / broke up every time you had a big fight with your wife, you will end up with a rotating series of women in your life, breaking up every few years. At the end of your life, you will have nobody that cares for you

[Tstrbrainer]

But still, a hot woman is always better than a nagging wife

[nelly83]

@Tstrbrainer Your statement is kinda like saying "marrying for money is better than marrying for love". Trust me, after your orgasm you will end up feeling empty and unfulfilled and lonely.

Men who marry for sex, usually have little to no respect for their wives and cheat a lot on her.
Women who marry for money frequently end up feeling locked up, unfulfilled and unhappy.

You need to try it to understand what I am talking about. And I can definitely tell that you are probably very young and have little to no life experience.

[Tstrbrainer]

I'm just a few years younger than you, and got the life experience I want, for me, a relationship is really a waste of time. It's not even worth trying.

[Tstrbrainer]

The costs of relationship are too high

[nelly83]

@Tstrbrainer I can tell your level of knowledge and wisdom just by talking to you though you are just a few years younger than me. 22 yr olds tend to be way less knowledgeable than 25 yr olds. I was talking to a 23 yr old yesterday and I saw slight immaturity and the fact that he was much more lacking in wisdom and life experience compared to me. Most 22 yr olds lack life experience.

A LOT MORE changes / transformations happen when you're younger compared to when you're older. There is a bigger difference between a 22 yr old and 25 yr old compared to a 42 yr old compared to a 45 yr old.

[Tstrbrainer]

Maybe, but I've seen idiots who are 30+

[Tstrbrainer]

Many people who are immature in one way or another

[nelly83]

@Tstrbrainer Its not about maturity. There is a huge difference between life expeirence and maturity. You can be mature but lack life experience, so you will know nothing about the real world. It takes exposure , for a person to learn. If you been in school your whole life, never encountered obstacles, never dealt with assholes, never worked anywhere else than mcdonalds. then you're not gonna have the life experience to understand things or know how to deal with certain situations and the meaning behind them.

We are not talking about maturity, we are talking about life experience. Learning from life experience changes your mindset and approach towards many things

[Asker]

I must appreciate both of you. The kind of discussions that are happening it's really interesting

[Tstrbrainer]

Yeah, now I get it.
If life experiences will help one understand who they are and what they want, then a person who chooses to not to marry might not regret it later.

It's a choice, just like we choose a job or career

[Tstrbrainer]

Will they feel lonely? Yeah definitely, it's natural, but on the other side, it would be best for them. They might not be successful in their family life, if they had ever married

[nelly83]

@Tstrbrainer different people have different preferences and can deal with different things. I know people who are ok with not having any friends or social life. Then there are people who constantly need friends.
There are folks who don’t ever need family. Other folks may need family to rely on. Some people see children as very fulfilling. Others may see them as nothing but a burden

It all depends on who you are. But I can tell you that most people are not meant to be alone

Usually if someone is over 40 and still unmarried , they usually have a big reason for it.

Most common ones :

being super picky or not having done enough dating when they were younger or issues getting along with people

[Tstrbrainer]

Or career dreams making family life unsuitable.

[nelly83]

@Tstrbrainer From my experience, there is no such thing as not having any time to date. Remember that everything is about PRIORITY. If it is important enough, you will make it a priority to date.

Workaholics tend to marry each other. This means coworkers / colleagues tend to marry each other at their workplace. Happens a lot in large cities but nobody just talks about it.

[Tstrbrainer]

I have heard about a workaholic, his was an arranged marriage and now they are on the verge of divorce.

[nelly83]

@Tstrbrainer you don't know the story behind their marriage. so you can't really rush to assumptions. But workaholics do not tend to be good characters for marriage. If you want kids, never ever marry a workaholic. You will only find yourself single , lonely, and doing all the work

[Tstrbrainer]

I know because I attended that marriage. I heard that he was a workaholic after a few years, when they were thinking about separation

[nelly83]

@Tstrbrainer Couples separate for all kinds of reasons. You don't know the entire story unless you're very very close to one of the spouses. There are many things that happen behind closed doors that you don't know about

[Tstrbrainer]

I'm not very close, but still I do know some stuff. He was more dedicated to his work, maybe that was an excuse , they had fights just like any other couple, but it went serious when the parents interfered.
Many marriages fail due to other members interfering

[nelly83]

@Tstrbrainer I think it’s important for parents to accept your spouse. Because guess what? It’s gonna be very hard for your marriage to work out when your parents hate your spouse. It’s gonna be VERY rough

Unless you’re willing to pick a side and abandon your parents , pick a spouse that your parents can respect and get along with

[nelly83]

@Tstrbrainer my father didn’t like his mother in law (my grandmother). My mother loved my grandmother (her mother). It was a tumultuous childhood being raised by all the constant gossiping , passive aggressiveness. As a child , I was told by my father to hate on my grandma. My grandma didn’t like my father either so she never came to visit me even on birthdays. She favorited her other grandchildren over me. So I grew up being very distant from my grandparents. Even now that I am grown up, I have a strong distaste for my grandma because she favored her other grandchildren over me. She did so because she liked her other daughter in laws and son in laws better. She didn’t get along with my dad

This is what happens when you marry into a family that doesn’t like you. It’ll affect your child’s upbringing and have a huge impact on the family atmosphere / environment.

[nelly83]

@Tstrbrainer. My grandma’s other grandchildren grew up to love her very much. Because she was very close to them while they grew up. She would babysit them since they were very young so both parents would be able to work full time jobs to support the family well.

Since my grandma didn’t like my dad , she never came to visit me and my brother. She never babysat us. We never had a relationship with my grandma. Because my grandma refuses to babysit us, my father was forced to give up his job and become a stay home dad for a many years , which financially starved our family. We were the poorest family out of all our cousins. I Couldnt afford a smart phone until I was 21 years old.

I never had anyone else care for me other than my parents. At this point , I have NOBODY who would care for me , besides my parents. Once my parents die, I would have no one.

Due to my lack of history / relationship with my grandparents and cousins , due to jealousy over grandma favoriting them over
Me. I never developed much of a relationship with my extended family.

These are real life consequences of marrying into a family who doesn’t accept you. It’s not only you that would be isolated and abandoned. Your kids will also likely be impacted. Your kids will grow up without a nice family surrounding / good relationships with relatives

[nelly83]

@Tstrbrainer. Right now when I date, I try to look for a man with a large welcoming family so that I can try to enjoy the warm welcoming family that I never had. It’s something that I never got to experience in my childhood that I crave.

There’s something very special about having a large family to come home to, who has your back, who would fight for you to the fullest if anything bad happens to you. you’ll never be lonely, you will always have someone to talk to or rely on

[nelly83]

@Tstrbrainer. It’s not ok to strip your kids of good working relationships with cousins or relatives. This is not something that should be done “for fun” or because dad just felt like doing it. Marrying into a family that won’t accept you should be the absolute ultimate last resort. No kid should deserve to grow up to be isolated from their family / relatives.

You might say “ok, why can’t you try to establish a relationship with your cousins now at your age of 26?”

Reality is, relationships with family develop very early in life. You don’t wait until you’re almost 30 years old to finally start developing a relationship with your family.

This is just another form of tearing family away from your kids. Divorce is also another form of “broken families”.

There is a reason why kids of divorced parents tend to do more poorly in school compared to kids who come from stable married families. All humans need a sense of belonging somewhere in the community. All humans have emotional needs of feeling loved , secure , a sense of belonging. Once this is stripped , it will start impacting the kids in many ways

[Tstrbrainer]

Good point. But surprisingly, the couple I talked about, their marriage was arranged, and was initiated by the parents of both bride and groom.

They loved them too, but their interference almost ruined the relationship.

[nelly83]

@Tstrbrainer I'd say that if you respect your parents decision enough to pick your spouse. You should also respect parent's judgement to dissolve the marriage.

Unless you're willing to abandon your parents / family, do not pick a spouse that your family cannot get along with. It will only cause life long problems and chronic lack of peace. Not to mention , your kids will likely be abandoned or isolated from the rest of the family too. Just like me. And its not fun.

[Tstrbrainer]

I understand your situation.
But for many people who have parents, siblings and relatives, they are kinda burden.

[nelly83]

@Tstrbrainer

For OVERWHELMING MAJORITY of people, siblings, cousins, relatives are a joy to have rather than a burden. It is not money or riches that makes you happy in life. It is the feeling of being appreciated, loved , and secure that ultimately makes people happy.

There are many people out there who are financially rich but are poor in the heart. This means that even though they have a lot of expensive cars, boats. They are missing a lot on the inside, which is feeling loved, appreciated, lack of stable good relationships in life.

Regardless of whatever you say, ALL humans need a place where they feel they belong to. All humans have a need to feel appreciated and loved. Humans are not meant to be loners. There are some people who do enjoy being loners and don't need to feel loved. But these are RARE EXCEPTIONS.

I had very few fun childhood memories to look back upon. My cousins had a lot of memories playing with each other as kids.

[Tstrbrainer]

What will you do, if you fall deeply in love with a perfect guy, but one of your family member is not happy?

[nelly83]

@Tstrbrainer firstly I wouldn’t ever fall in love with a guy that my family disapproves of. Because I have good taste in men. But if my family really had a valid reason to not like / respect him, I would let him go.

I am capable of very cold hearted, detached thinking. So I can do very objective evaluations.

I look at the potential longevity of the relationship and what kind of role model this man will be for my kids.

If my parents disapprove because he has a criminal history , smokes , drinks, unkind. It means he will be a bad role model for my kids. It doesn’t matter how much I have fallen for him, I will still get rid of him.

If I fell for a man who wasn’t educated , unintelligent. Then I would still get rid of him because I don’t want his genes to be passed onto my kids.

If I fell for a man with bad character. I would still get rid of him eventually because I know I wouldn’t be able to stay married for long to someone like that

Generally speaking , if your partner is a decent person , parents would have no reason to disapprove of him

[nelly83]

But if my parents disapproved of him due to another reason, I will try to make both parties compromise and get along with each other. If this can’t be done , I will tell him that it’s his choice whether he wants to put up with my family or leave. If he doesn’t think it’s worth it putting up with my family , then I can already tell that I’m not worth the effort , in his eyes

[nelly83]

@Tstrbrainer. I’m not gonna put my kids through the lonely childhood that I had. I’m not gonna deprive my kids of grandparents , cousins , aunts / uncles who can love him. I’m not gonna let my child grow up into an adult who thinks he doesn’t have any relatives , when he actually has many. If I am looking for a husband , I am looking to be able to get along with his family. If I don’t like his family, it will be a major factor in determining whether there will be a wedding or not.

I’m a family oriented person. I like having family and the feeling of being loved. I’m not a loner. I’m someone who needs a social life. Family to celebrate birthdays with. I am the type of person who enjoys people waiting for me to come home for Christmas dinner.
I think most people are this way too.
The world is too cold and lonely to constantly be alone. We all need warmth somewhere

[Tstrbrainer]

Okay. Thanks for sharing.
All the best

[1Anon]

Love marriage all the time! A lot of the time it has moments that hurt but I’d always rather have a love marriage than an arranged marriage.

[Anonymous]

The idea of an arraigned marriage is so bizarre to me, considering it would never even be an option.
I think I’d rather choose who I want to live the rest of my life with, thanks.

[Asker]

In many cultures we aren't given the option to chose with whom we want to spend our life. Like in India where I live most marriage are arranged and that too in the same community. I cannot tell my parents that I am in love with a girl. If she is from the same community so things could still be worked otherwise no chance

[Tstrbrainer]

Why man, why do you have to listen to your parents? It's your life

[Opinion Owner]

Oh, I know. I watched a documentary about marriage in India a few years ago. They were speaking to a man who laughed off the idea of his daughter wanting to marry for love. It would never happen.
But growing up in the west, it’s just not something we even consider. I’d laugh my ass off if my dad tried to make me marry someone I didn’t want to.
I’m not an item to be sold.

[Tstrbrainer]

Exactly.

[nelly83]

Ironically, love marriages are much more likely to end in divorce than arranged marriage, even in cases where divorce is an option. Love is a prerequisite for love marriages, while it's an objective for arranged marriages. "Love" as defined by the majority of Western society, is all about convenience. When a love marriage gets uncomfortable or inconvenient, it's over.
Arranged marriages, on the other hand, are usually taken more seriously. They are about responsibility, not convenience.

[nelly83]

Some people want an arraigned marriage because its stable and its something they can actually rely on. Whereas for "love marriage", everything is based off of convenience and emotions. When the love is gone, they divorce. Its a very unstable way to live. At the end of the day, it doesn't matter how many relationships or love marriages you have in life. You can divorce them all at a change of heart.

But with an arraigned marriage, I know that I'm married because I want a life time companion who I know would be there for me. Some people want a light bulb that stays on forever, others want a light bulb that might start flickering at any moment in life then it'll be total darkness forever.

Reality is, the older you are, the more difficult and less likely you are to re marry. Prime for love and romance are your younger years.

[rodeschaap]

Love marriage. I can't imagine going on with such a commitment if it were arranged and I didn't truly love the person.

[Satish2607]

I have been happily married for over 8 years and ours is an arranged marriage. It's not as bad as it sounds guys, you get to talk to the prospective partner and get time to decide before you tie the knot.

[Asker]

You're an Indian?

[Satish2607]

Yes I am an Indian

[DiscomfortZone]

Arranged marriage is a combination of slavery and prostitution. I don't care if someone's "culture" or "religion" deems otherwise.

[UnknownGagsUser]

I think most people would choose love marriage over an arrange marriage one

[Asker]

I guess that's a lot to do with one's upbringing

[Just_Me89]

Love marriage; I couldn't last in an arranged marriage

[Tomtom9090]

Arranged, love is too much freedom of choice. People need the government dictating human compatibility

[Cowboy6666]

I want to find a right girl for me whom i find attractive, both physically, morally and emotionally, whom i love without any greed and want to marry

[Anonymous]

The results of Love marriages are healthier and more attractive people. Arranged marriages foster less attractive people and more birth defects and genetic deficiencies.

[Joshua213]

Arranged marriages are more likely to succeed but id rather not date someone I didn't love so yea

[msc545]

Either one. Arranged marriages seem to last longer.

[Daniel_Dano]

Definitely love marriage , I can't imagine how awkward it will be to marry a woman in an arranged

[Kas19]

Why on earth would I want an arranged marriage.

[Boodica]

Both can work. Or not.

[exitseven]

I can't imagine an arranged marriage.

[Anonymous]

Arranged. At least there are no pretenses.

[Asker]

Even in a arranged marriage there could pretenses

[Opinion Owner]

Not really. Both parties know they aren’t really into each other.

[Asker]

But he could still pretend to be someone who he is actually not. In a love marriage you know the person (+/-) but you can't say that for an arranged marriage

[Opinion Owner]

Not really. Usually u know everything, even their parents and family history.

[Asker]

May be it happens in your place. But where I am from I am currently dealing with a case in which a girl wants to her husband because she was not aware about certain facts

[Asker]

*divorce

[Blinkandmoomoo]

I think love marriage

[Ms_Vanderquack]

Neither

[Asker]

Ohh but why?

[Ms_Vanderquack]

Because either option ends with being married. Why the fuck would I want that?

[RawaajUK]

Arranged Love Marriage

[legalboxers]

Love. No old country traditions for me

[LoganDimock98]

No marriage is the best

[more_than_a_guy]

Lol you compare them like they are equal

[Anonymous]

Never had love. So I choose arranged marriage

[Iron_Man]

Love marriage

[Anonymous]

Arrange marriage

[Asker]

R u Indian by any chance?

[Opinion Owner]

By any chance? I don't understand

[Asker]

R u Indian? Generally Indian prefer arranged marriage

[Opinion Owner]

Why do you always associate arranged marriage with Indians? Some of the middle east and Asian countries prefer this type of marriage. not just Indians.

[michael1469]

Neither

[Anonymous]

None of the above.

[Marco86]

No marriage for me.

[jimmy2]

Always love