Do you think americans have the wrong idea of marriage?

[Anonymous]

marriage is supposed to be committing to 1 person forever, to the end, to death. this is even if you know there are BETTER people out there, even if there are more attractive people out there, even if there are funnier / more interesting people out there. You marry because you want to be there for each other forever, you know that being with this person is better than being single lonely, neglected and forgotten.

But the perception that many Americans have is that you are supposed to marry the BEST person out there... you are supposed to divorce when things don't seem like "the best times" anymore.

Based on my years of observation, I have seen the worst couples patch things up and stay married. Divorce is not when the marriage can't work, it only happens when the couple does not want to work on it because they think marriage is a supposed to be a "hit or miss".

[Finchie40]

No, I just think most people in general these days are selfish people , that only really care about themselves, I feel social media played a big part on impacting how people react and treat each other these days in relationships. Before social media was even really a thing , relationships were more traditional and people valued each other more and they fixed whatever was broken and stood by each others side in the relationship together , Nowadays it seems people just run to someone else when things don’t go their way , We carry around these cell phones that give us easy access into each others lives , making it harder for people to resist temptations or giving people more options to choose from , weighing their options , and making it harder for people to trust each other , people have become more sneaky and private and keep to themselves , even before the pandemic hit us cell phones have been contributing to destroying relationships left and right. but little do people realize your cell phone isn’t as private as you think. When my ex wife was having an affair , Little did she realize I was able to track her and catch her red handed. My marriage was amazing for a long time until my ex got wrapped up into Facebook etc. We went from being inseparable to don’t touch me anymore , give me space , I’m going out with my friends you aren’t included etc. sadly it was all red flags and my gut instinct knew something was off , to find out she was secretly flirting with a co worker that had the hits for her , I saw some of his messages to her that weren’t appropriate what so ever , when i confronted her on them , she would just makes excuses that he is just a friend , he is just being silly , I said how would you feel if a girl was sending me those texts , so don’t sit here acting
Like you are innocent , I said you either block him or this marriage is coming to an end , She got real defensive and started making comments that I don’t own her or control her , she can do whatever she wants , I said yes you can cuz I am going
To do whatever I want as well and walked away , I knew she was up to no good , so I tracked her meeting him at a hotel , The second he got
Out of the car I jumped out and said Ypu Motherfucker and I started to chase him , he jumped in his car and sped off , As for her I told her it’s over and that she will be hearing from my attorney and I filed for divorce. My ex has been trying to get back with me since , I still care about her and love her but I can’t be with her anymore

[CalmUntilAbused]

Well... The short answer is that the marriage of today is not the marriage of the past. The marriage of the past was a marriage between two responsible people, pledging each other love "until death do us part" before God Himself and committed to fulfilling their promise. Even if something did go wrong, even if the marriage itself was arranged (thus disregarding any infatuations), people were motivated to "repair" their marriage instead of "throwing it away and getting a new one" (and yeah, it's actually a metaphor I heard in an anecdote where an elderly couple is asked for the reason they managed to stay together this long). In the worst case, the married couple would get separated.

Now, the marriage of today is basically a legal contract, with one major difference - the terms of the contract do change after the contract was already signed, as it's the current state of marriage-related regulations in the country that institute these terms. This leads to a situation where marriage is usually decided in the "infatuation" stage of the relationship, resulting in people about to get married not being conscious of the other party's shortcomings (and let's be honest, everyone does have some shortcomings). That's why these shortcomings come to light after the marriage, more often than not leading to a divorce. And as I mentioned the changing terms of the contract, it would be a shame not to elaborate on those further. As of today, the terms of the marriage contract (especially those related to the divorce) are usually lopsided towards women. That's why they can serve as a vengeance opportunity, and even a single quarrel might sometimes lead to a divorce.

That last part is exactly why the MGTOW, the MRA, and even some Red Pill followers are warning men against what they call "the divorce rape". Now, of course, not all women are this calculated (and You sure seem to be one of the pure Women out there), but if we consider the probability, it's simply too risky to consider marriage what it used to be, a determined and wholesome

Unless both men and women realize that their human-level goals are aligned (in contrast to their animal-level goals that actually embrace promiscuity) and decide that these human-level goals of theirs are the crucial ones, the problem You described is only going to get worse, much, much worse. The abandoment of responsibility in favor of this "consumptionist" attitude where even people are considered goods to be bought and sold at convenience, the resulting general lack of trust between men and women, and the ever-changing terms of the marriage contract are sure to make this "healing" process as hard as possible or even impossible unless the society collapses (that's why some might even embrace the MGTOW ambitions of causing this collapse by completely withdrawing from society and thus withdrawing a large chunk of the workforce supposedly crucial to the survival of the economy from the job market).

[LazerBean]

That's just a common consequence for having sex outside of marriage

[BCRanger10]

I think a lot of people have the wrong ideas about marriage. Though I will say that I don't know what marriage and divorce laws are like in other countries.

Part of the problem here though is that the order of things has been reversed. In the past, it was dating and courting first, then marriage, and then living together and sex, the natural and objective end of which is to procreate children. That order has since been reversed, except now that children are either rejected outright or tolerated. Because of that, people are less discerning on whom they should marry. Love and marriage have become the next logical step, rather than a decision. They marry because of "compatibility". Compatibility is (or ought to be) a guideline, not a rule.

Those who think like this don't seem to understand that they will (or again, ought to) grow and change. They will learn things about their spouse that they didn't know before, things they like and things they don't. There is less willingness to sacrifice.

Another big part of the problem is no-fault divorce. If people have an easy out, how willing does anyone think they'll really be to rise to the challenges that marriage presents?

[exitseven]

Some people do have the opinion that marriage is something that can be scrapped if it is not working out. A friend from college got married and I asked him about it because he never seemed the type to get married. That was when he told me if it didn't work out he would just get a divorce. The marriage lasted less than a year.
I took the till death us do part thing pretty literallly. I have been married over 27 years.

[NamerOfStars]

There are 325 million of us; it's hard to say that ALL of us have the wrong idea- but that's nitpicking. Yes, the culture as a whole has it quite wrong. And since the laws are so hideously lopsided, it's hardly surprising that fewer and fewer people are getting married.

[slatyb]

No, they don't. Marriage is a legal state. That's all. When it isn't working, people divorce. This is a good thing.

[Asker]

so why has marriage worked all throughout history for millions of years but absolutely cannot work over the past few decades? divorce rates had never been high up until the few recent decades.

[slatyb]

For millions of years? Really?

Divorce rates haven't been high because people were poor and couldn't afford to separate. In much of the world women had little or not way to support themselves after a divorce. Now they do, so they don't have to stay in abusive marriages.

[LiamJHayden]

Pretty much. This lack of lifelong commitment along with a lack of penalty for violating the vows - in many cases the victims end up paying alimony, etc. to the perpetrators - mean I will not consider marriage till those laws change,

[bededazzle]

i guess we must as a national. we are not successful.

[Anonymous]

Quite the opposite. America is probably the most monogamous of countries. Considering how America is right now that kind of speaks volumes not only about the world. But society in general.

[NewgodOmega]

I belive the idea of marriage itself is wrong

[Asker]

so why has marriage worked all throughout history for millions of years but absolutely cannot work over the past few decades? divorce rates had never been high up until the few recent decades.