Happiness or stability?

[Anonymous]

I'm 29F and I met a guy (A) 29M online who I seem to share a lot in common with. We've been on a couple of dates and I love spending time with him, he treats me well, I laugh and have a great time with him (we're not officially in an relationship yet). My family on the other hand introduced me to their friend's son (B) 29M whom they're trying to find a suitable bride for.

I went out with B, and although he's also a really nice guy, I have nothing in common with him, he's abit of a workaholic and our personalities are really different. However with B, it is more stable, with the intention of marriage within a year and we already have both our families approval.

A is also dating with the intention of marriage, but things need to work out first (we need to be in an official relationship first, then introduce eachother to our respective families, then talk of marriage if it all works out). Should I choose happiness or stability? We're all 29 so I'm looking for something serious

[Oliverlogan263]

Hmm that's a really tough call. Stability is important, but so is being happy in your relationship. Here are a few thoughts:

With B, it might seem comfortable and safe choosing the more stable option that both families support. But you have to think long-term - will you be truly happy if you don't feel a connection with him? Lack of passion can really hurt a marriage down the road.

At the same time, things are still new with A, so there's an element of risk going that way since you aren't 100% sure it will work out. But it sounds like you really click with him, and that's so important to build a strong relationship.

My advice would be to give things a real chance with A before making any decisions. Make sure he's serious about marriage too before fully committing. But if he treats you great and your families get along, that's very promising.

Focus on following your heart. Stability is nice, but being with someone that energizes and inspires you is even better for a happy marriage. Talk to A about moving things forward in a way that gives you both time but also reassurance it's going somewhere.

Don't rush into anything, but don't be afraid of some uncertainty if you feel he's worth taking that chance on. Trust your gut - it's usually right about these things. With care and communication, passion and stability can coexist just fine.

[daemonBot]

Is A unstable? Or could you get both happiness and stability with him?

I think it depends on what's the difference in happiness, and what's the difference in stability between your 2 suitors.

I think happiness is important to keeping a relationship alive long term. Now, of course, happiness and love can come after marriage. And a relationship based solely on good feels may not last once those butterflies go away. And they always go away after some time (but that's ok if you've built a strong relationship foundation in the meantime).

And will the happiness with A remain once he's lost his butterflies?

Also, and I don't really know what I'm talking about here, but I've read that there are pheromonal signals women pick up on that can indicate a certain amount of chromosomal compatibility for producing healthier offspring. I assume this is not going to be obvious, but more of an intuitive sense of attraction felt.

There is, alas, no general answer to this question. Good luck!

[Asker]

A isn't 'unstable' but it just needs to go through a lot before marriage. A made the same career choice as myself, so we learn together, work on things together etc.
B on the other hand already told me he wants to be married within the next year, but I can't relate to him and don't really think I can be that happy with him since he lives his life off a strict timetable (goes to bed at 9.30pm, he also only comes home from work at 7pm, he's abit of a workaholic, he's very specific about things and it's something I find really hard to adjust to as I'm the opposite.)

[shoeboxcerealcard]

Hindsight is bitch. Be careful. This is how you choose: Write out exactly the type of relationship you want. What you really want. Then ask yourself what 2 people naturally fit in that relationship? Then ask yourself which guy fits with it? Do either one fit? Do you even fit?

People don't have to fit but you do have to desire to fit. That's all you need. You can become the person who naturally fits.

This is your life... We get 1 shot for all we know. Do you and this stable guy naturally create a good life? I desired life? You can easily predict it. People are predictable unless they're lying or growing.

[LazerBean]

What about the first guy is unstable? Being in an unhappy marriage does not sound stable to me.

[Asker]

The first guy isn't 'unstable' but it just needs to go through a lot before marriage. The second guy on the other hand already told me he wants to be married within the next year, but I don't really think I can be that happy with him- he lives his life off a strict timetable (goes to bed at 9-10pm, is abit of a workaholic so goes to work around 6am, and only comes home at 7pm, is very specific about things, and it's something I find really hard to adjust to)

[LazerBean]

So this is just my personal opinion, of how I would see it if I was in your shoes. Second guy is an absolute no, not a chance. First guy is a good candidate, but I don't really know enough about him and what exactly he needs to go through to have more of an opinion than that. And there's a third option, you can go with neither of those two and just keep looking. Marriage is one of the biggest decisions you will ever make in your life, so you don't want to be pressured into picking someone that you aren't completely happy with

[Asker]

What do you say to this possibility: Giving the second guy a chance to see if we can come to a middle ground on things- having different interests is somewhat alright, but the whole timetable thing is just too much (I remember that we split the bill on the 2nd date and I underpaid him by $2 and he asked me to pay him back the $2 which I found was soo weird- it's not the cost, it's the perfectionist in him which I find annoying).
The first guy opens the door for me, insists on paying for dates himself (altho I usually try and pay on every other date), etc. But we're from different cultures, there's a possibility it may not go as intended.
3rd possibility is if these 2 don't work out, but what do you say to giving second guy a chance to fins a middleground with his timetable/perfectionism thingo?

[LazerBean]

Personally, I would not even consider giving the second guy a try. If you're already having to find a middle ground on basic things right off the bat, it's only going to get way worse after marriage. If you find someone who you are really compatible with from the get-go, then that is going to be way less stuff you're going to have to figure out and compromise on after marriage

[Asker]

Thanks for the advice, I really appreciate it!

[LazerBean]

No problem, and good luck!