How many people marry for the wrong reasons, only out of feeling without doing a vetting process?

[ChicanaChick]

I've just finished reading a woman's post here, where she's disrespecting her marriage by stating her intense feelings for another man and even asking if her marriage is over. She's already putting so much emotional energy on a fantasy towards another man (whom will likely dump her if she ever proceeds to actually having an affair) instead of focusing on her marriage. What about the vows (even if you're non-religious, there are still vows too) you make publically? How can that go to the trash that easily?

If you're into the marriage with the expectation of feeling the sparks 24/7 and constantly needing to feel infatuated for decades, if you only chose them out of feelings and nothing else, that must be a wrong reason right there? Seriously, how many people really believe a marriage will be like fairy tales where everything is perfect and failed to do a vetting process from the start?

[Billlewis]

Even the most exhaustive soul searching sessions can never be completely infallible, simply because we make almost all of our decisions based on visceral , emotional indicators.

[ChicanaChick]

The point is it can't be just about feelings without knowing the person well outside of the bedroom, outside of just physical attraction and romantic feelings. It should be everything included.
Imagine going to a bakery and buying a cake just because it's great and looks good (you're in love with the cake and it looks delicious) but you don't care to even what's inside, what is the cake about, if someone is allergic does it have nuts, etc. Then you take it home and realize you don't like a part of the layer.

[MikeRJ]

People need to have premarital counseling before getting married in order to make sure their goals for the future and values are compatible.

[ChicanaChick]

This exactly. It makes me sad when some people either cheat on their marriage or suddenly want to leave (ignoring public vows were made) just because of not feeling butterflies (aka not being in love) in your stomach anymore. What about commitment, working things out as a team, responsibilities? Life isn't about just entering a marriage thinking it's going to be perfect and that you'll fantasize about them for decades. Those people make a mockery out of what marriage is suppose to be.

[CupcakeTheDestroyer]

She’s experiencing limerence, chill out and cut the lady a break

[ChicanaChick]

That's exactly how an emotional affair starts out (as a fantasy and intense distraction) as then it leads to a physical affair and lastly the destruction of a marriage and family.

[CupcakeTheDestroyer]

Limerence is also a one-sided obsession

[ChicanaChick]

Any time it's a one-sided obsession that's not healthy and brings no benefits it's bad. Her obsession should be focusing on doing fun activities with her husband and children, planning a vacation with them, etc.

[CupcakeTheDestroyer]

You really think shaming her is a solution?

[ChicanaChick]

The solution would be for her to become very busy with her husband and children to the point she has no time for destructive fantasies about another man, do what I've just mentioned. If she they can't do a vacation, she can go to the museum with her husband and kids, maybe go hiking if they're into that, watch more movies together at night, go to the beach, visit a concert... so many things to do other than investing her energy on another man.

[CupcakeTheDestroyer]

You’re assuming this woman is dumb enough to upend her life for the potential, not reality, of another man returning her feelings. I imagine she’s smarter than you think and instead of finding support, you’re just calling her a dumb whore. A real Mother Teresa you are, huh?
Maybe instead of telling her to distract herself, why don’t you distract her and take her out places so she can have fun with her friends? At least that way you can pretend to not be a colossal bitch

[DishLady]

A lot... just tally the divorce rates, the abuse rates, etc...

[ChicanaChick]

Indeed. If mroe people actually took their time analyzing the person (instead of being guided too much by '''butterflies in your stomach''), I'm willing to bet there would be a lot more stable, long-lasting marriages.

[DishLady]

Yes.

[Summeroflove]

This happens ALL the time it’s why most marriages fail. Many marriages stem from someone marrying the first woman they knock up/first man who knocked them up. Many people marry for money, social status, for appearances, because they’re desperate they want kids, because whatever number of reasons. They get married without any genuine connection so they will cheat. They will try to find that passion and fun in someone else.

A lot of affairs are like that. They use someone or someone uses them for a period of time. It ends…. Then it’s someone else and eventually they’re sleeping with new people all the time.

They deserve to be used because many times they’re using their husband whose more times then not busting his ass to provide for her and kids that could have came from any number of men behind his back. Just to find out later his entire life was a lie.

[ChicanaChick]

Whoever cheats, may they have a miserable time once they find out their affair partner is just for the sex. That's what a lover or mistress if for; just the adventure and sex, nothing serious.
I think people of both genders should actually do a vetting process during the dating stage and even when engagement takes places, they should also go to couple counseling to see if both are on the same page on other areas besides the bedroom and passion.

[ChicanaChick]

Marrying just because of the feelings reminds me of briefly reading a book (only the fun parts) and you don't even know what's it really about.

[ChicanaChick]

I hate the cheaters that cheat just because they're not feeling the initial sparks in their marriage anywhere. So those people had no values at all. It should be don't cheat out of character and principles, not ''as long as you're still falling in love, don't cheat''.

[Summeroflove]

I agree many people get too attached to someone and most of the time one person is more attached then the other.

[Summeroflove]

Cheaters can make millions of excuses truth is they would cheat no matter what.

[In_Trance]

First you have to determine what right and wrong mean in this case.
What would be the wrong reason?

[ChicanaChick]

The wrong reason would be getting married just because you're in love but then wanting to cheat or divorce just because you don't feel butterflies in your stomach towards your partner anymore, just because the ''falling in love'' stage faded.

[Anonymous]

Too many. This is why things are as messed up as they are.

[ChicanaChick]

Exactly. Then suddenly they want to leave just because of not being in love with them (not feeling butterflies in your stomach for decades) instead of working out on your vows, as a team to commit.

[jahaims]

Most

[ChicanaChick]

Precisely and that's why we'll keep hearing stories of either people cheating on their marriage or wanting to leave just because they aren't feeling intense butterflies in their stomachs for their partners once that stage fades. That's sad. They're basically making a mockery out of marriage.