s Ok, so this is going to paint me in a horrible light but that's ok.
When it comes to giving and receiving gifts I am not patient at all. I will buy a gift months in advance before an event and give it to them immediately and not even wrap it. My wife on the other hand loves to wrap gifts and wait til the day of to give them out so she can see reactions. Worlds were about to collide.
When we were dating we struggled for money just like a lot of new couples but we found ways to make it work. She saved up and finally was able to get me a game I had really been wanting and put it under the Christmas tree all wrapped nicely.
Weeks in advance.
I couldn't stand the wait and so one night after she went to bed I came downstairs and carefully unwrapped it, opened the case, took out the game and carefully rewrapped it again. I played the game for weeks and she even walked into the room and saw me playing it.
So Christmas day comes and we are at my parents house and handing out gifts and she hands me this gift which I know is an empty case, but I dont open it right away. She looks at me curiously and for like the next 30 minutes I couldn't bring myself to open it knowing was empty.
Finally she gets upset and demands I open it and I do. My family just about died laughing when they saw the empty case because they knew that was what I always did. She was devastated of course but we made up and from that day forward she has never waited on giving me my gift again, in fact we just get large gifts we want for ourselves and say "ok this is my anniversary gift" months in advance.
Well, my dad thought it was funny. And to this day I have to shake my head at the experience.
I lived about 20 minutes from Canada. So on my day off, I thought I'd take a drive and take some pics.
On my way back I was stopped by a brilliant customs/immigration agent.
Agent: Where have you been?
Me: Canada
Agent: Where in Canada?
Me: Vancouver
Agent: Why?
Me: I had the day off
Agent: Oh, so what's that in the back of your truck?
Me: Rotten carpet remnants.
Agent: Why are they in the back of your truck?
Me: I guess I just haven't thrown them away, yet.
Agent: Why do you want to throw them away?
Me: Because they're rotten
Agent: You're smuggling carpet into the country, aren't you?
Me: No, who would want rotten carpet?
Agent: Well...
Me: Do you want it?
Agent: No!
Me: Are you sure? You can have it.
Agent: No thanks.
Me: But it's perfectly good rotten carpet.
Agent: You're free to go on your way
Me: Can I at least borrow your dumpster?
Agent: Please just go!!
When my wife and I first started dating, I hung out at her apartment one day while she had to go to work. She's an editor and publisher and tackles all kinds of eclectic nonfiction subjects ranging from publishing/editing books reviewing cult horror films to cooking books to history books and so forth.
Well, one of the subjects she was tackling with her author was a book about pornography. So she had this porno DVD on her shelf. And you know, I had some free time and she had a box of tissues and some lotion and so I popped the DVD into her DVD player. Turned out to be a softcore porno. Oh well, beggars can't be choosers.
So I finished my business and totally hid all the evidence. I was so meticulous about it like the DVD box was leaning at an ever-so-slight 15-degree angle on the shelf originally and so I put it back exactly the same way.
Anyway, she got home and later found the DVD in the DVD player. Whoops! She ended up telling all our friends about it including in front of me. Then I was like, "You know, I just forgot to put it back into the box is all! It's not a secret. I watch porno sometimes! So what?" But you know, it was kind of obvious I tried to cover it all up. :-D
The only one that comes to mind is when I had my 73 Oldsmobile Delta 98. I took my girlfriend, her sister, my brother and his son to see the fireworks. I drove into this field where all the 4wd trucks were. They were betting money that I was going to get stuck and one of them would have to pull me out since it was a dirt field. After the fireworks 1/2 of them left and waited for me out by the street. The other half stayed behind. We got in the car and I kicked up dirt all the way out to the road without getting stuck. I made $2000. That night. It was great seeing the look on their faces.
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Back when I had friends. I remember we were so close that I could just be standing somewhere and they'd have theior arm around me or on my shoulder. I felt loved man. :')
When I was 15 one day my two cats (both male) started to have sex with each other on my bed. They were totally out of control screaming something like "MIIINGHHHAA" while the white one fucked garfield. They were also brothers. 😂 It's not every day you get to see incestuous gay animals...
When I was 9 I got to cuddle a baby (my little cousin) for the first time and for about two months I just didn't let him go. At last my aunt got into a fight with me to take back her baby 😂 now my aunt is 6'2" and I think I was about 5' back then... you can imagine a big woman (she has noticeably huge feet) trying to take a baby from a little girl... it was like RE village but she didn't turn into a monster. At least not literally.
It was kinda embarrassing but at the same time I remember how absolutely stupid and stubborn I was. I actually did secretly think about ways to make the child my own even though I knew it was impossible. The whole thing also reminds me of the raptor egg plot in Jurassic Park 3. 😂
I have a lot more but these two just came to my mind.
Hmmm...
I’ve got so many.
Let’s start how I spoiled a Harry Potter book 📖 to my older sister and my mom thought something happened to my dad.
Ahem ahem...
I was in high school in 2005. My older sister is a big die hard fan of Harry Potter and would get the series in advance. Well, I forgot what she did to me to piss me off for me to get back at her. That I walked into her room while she was in band practice and started going through her stuff. I picked up ‘Harry Potter And The Half Blood Prince’. Where a ‘important character DIES’ 🤫😏😈
She had a bookmark 🔖 that she was still in the beginning of the book and I just started flipping the pages towards the end. Till I spotted BIG CAPS WORDS in the book, it caught my attention.
As I was reading the book 📖. My older sister walks in,
“what are you doing in my room?”
Me: “who is sirius black?”
Sis: “he is Harry Potter godfather, why?”
Me: “He dies”
Sis: “NOOOOOOOOO!!! 😱WHHHHHY?” 😭 WHY WOULD YOU TELL ME THAT? 🤯😡 I’m calling mom! ☎️
When I was in 7th grade my friend slept over and she sneezed and burped at the same time. I’ve never heard anything like it before or since. Sounded like “ACHOO-BURRRRRRRRRRP. It was the middle of the night and we laughed hysterically. The memory has been fun to laugh about and remember later.
I do stupid weird shit all the time, but one time while at a bar with friends one of my friends actually caught me on camera making a weird noise and flicking my tongue we cry laughed about it every night and now it gets sent to me every year for my birthday
There's never a dull moment with me 😜
There are various things that come to mind that put a grin on my face
The one that sticks out is the gathering we had at our church years ago
We were celebrating our Pastors up coming wedding
One of the games was we had to pick 1 person in our group & dress them up as a bride, in toilet paper
My late husband picked the shortest straw he turned out to be the most beautiful toilet paper bride you'd ever seen
Our team won ✌️
One would be the time my cousin (a VERY staunch religious nut!!) came up for a visit with her teenaged kids and, while she and her 16 year old daughter, who has HUGE tits, were rough housing in the pool! My mother was sitting right next to them on a swing and cousin was under water, jumped up behind her daughter, threw her arm over her daughters shoulder to drag her back under water and, when she did, she accidentally slipped off daughter's bikini top and, when SHE came up out of the water, there she was, showing her huge tits off to everyone around!! Her mom came up wanting to know what everyone was laughing at and when she saw why, she got very embarrassed for what she did!!
I was on an acid trip with my favorite friend sitting in his car on the levee near Baton Rouge (LSU) LA. It was a beautiful, clear night, the moon and stars were out and we were high as kites, sitting there quietly. I recall saying to him, and I felt it was real in the moment, "I understand EVERYTHING!"
Of course, this is ridiculous and hilarious at the same time, but that's what acid does for you. You do feel one with the universe and everything. It was magical and lovely. He felt the same way. I'll never forget it unless I get dementia!
Many years ago when was in Air Force (RAF).
we were on exercise down in Cornwall England.
one of my team, in the early hours, heard a suspicious noise and reported hearing people walking quite close to our position.
we call a Stand To and everyone was on alert as the sun slow rose and the early dawn light showed the reason for the noises,
a herd of cows.
40 people on alert for some Jersey Cows….
we beat him up (gently)
A street chase with those four-seating bike things they rent near the seashores. We went FAST, then we met a down slope. By putting his foot down we managed to steer the thing sharply enough to keep staying on the road. Our friends behind us weren't as lucky. They went straight off road and off the luckily low cliff, straight in the sea.
We had to sneak their documents off the renter or they'd have had to pay for the thing, and we were kinda broke. Fun times.
One time at practice my coach comes in the huddle and goes" Cando I want you to run this up Johnsons ass. Without hesitation he goes" Coach do you want me to look for daylight?"
Was at football practice and a bunch of birds flew over and the coach said do not look up and one guy did and the birds shit in his mouth.
i had this football coach that was also my math math teacher when i was a sophomore in high school. He was a real big fat guy but he was always so funny always had everybody in stitches. The very first day of school he was yelling “how come they give the fattest teacher the smallest classroom?” i still belly laugh thinking about that sometimes 🤣
I have no funny memories that aren't also rather nasty
I just have so many
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