Looking for love

[kaylaS91]

This seems to be a very exhausted topic, but tends to come up time and time again regardless. All of the people who say they’re ‘giving up on love’ or just don’t believe it even exists because they’ve been rejected once, twice, or however many times.

Is it really just a stroke of horrible luck that’s leading them to investing in people who are loco to varying degrees? Do people who attract nothing but master manipulators really exist?

Well… at that point, you’ve got to ask yourself who or what the common denominator in those situations is; the individual who’s giving up.

Could be that they simply have created some sort of great expectation as to what love even is that are so outlandish, they’re fighting a losing battle in finding someone to match that prototype. That they expect to maintain this closed off, almost stoic demeanor to not come across as ‘too soft’ or clingy, and are still thrown off guard that nobody takes their bait. Because, y’know…

The truth in terms of successfully finding love has to be spot-on as we’re told our expectations fo it should be by countless rom-coms. We should stoop no lower than having a guy standing outside your window with a boom-box that’s blasting a romantic song. Because love is unconditional, right? You should stop at nothing to get with your one true love, even if what’s standing in your way is a restraining order.

---

…Okay, enough sarcasm. What I’m really getting at here is that it's most likely in your best interest to go into finding a relationship or looking for love blindly. Sounds a bit counterintuitive but that’s the way to go. I once heard a phrase when younger, and have seen it proven to be true time and time again.

’What do you get from having expectations? Nothing but setting yourself up for disappointment.’

Look for love blindly. Know your values, of course don’t put up with abuse or any sort of mistreatment. But also don’t be seeking the ‘right one’ with whom you have that ‘instant love’ type of connection. The one who sweeps you off your feet. The one who puts their dignity aside and forgets any sort of goals they hope to attain in life because they can’t imagine their life being good without you in it. Let your definition of what love even is be formed by your experiences. The times when you and your s/o spend the night cuddling or just goofing off togehter, be it cooking or shopping instead of going to an insanely expensive restaurant, and you still feel like you couldn't have chosen to spend the day with anyone who felt more 'right'.

[JudgmentDay]

Because ultimately there are absolutely no Guarantees regardless if you try/tried repeatedly.

But it will be certain you won't be able to be in or have a relationship once you've pretty much decided to not give a fuck about dating, and have stopped looking altogether for whatever reason if there even is one anymore. It does not always work out and is also not guaranteed even after you are in any relationship. It's also more common that first-time relationships and/or marriages are the least likely to really last the longest.

And for those that had been looking into it more deeply with scientific analysis, I'm certain they are absolutely correct. It's all just chemicals and electrical signals running around in our bodies between our brains and reproductive system. It's true purpose will always really just to increase the probability of reproduction of any living species and decrease the probability and possibility of extinction. It's moreso physical/sexual lust, physical attraction, infatuation, etc., than really anything else.

It also happens in other living species such as animals so it's not really all that unique or special at all. Maybe in very different ways compared to us, since very few animals are actually monogamous or actually even stay with their first partner till the day they die.

[Anonymous]

As much as I like the contents of this mytake, I can't help but feel it was a bit rushed with a few spelling errors which is not a big deal, I just feel this mytake had so much potential because you could have addressed solutions instead of just issues.

One factor some people leave out when looking for a mate is attractiveness. Some people are unattractive and may actually make the effort to put themselves out there.

Also, the saying I think of when I read the title was "if you are looking for love then you won't find it"

Personally, I have been single for years and I took a break from dating, but I am ready to date. I consider myself in the market but at the same time I am more concerned with my personal life goals.

From the outside, one might see this as someone looking for love which is a true for me. I would be happy to be in a relationship, but I can't just be with anyone. I have only been in 2 relationships and I'm 24 so I obviously don't jump into relationships.

[Opinion Owner]

I meant to say, on the outside it may look like I'm looking for love, but from my perspective I am not looking for love.

[Albinoninja66]

This is pretty accurate. My biggest problem is that I am one big paradox and I know it, yet I can't do anything about it because it's the core of who I am. I was open and blindly in love with my first long term relationship (2 years). We were madly in love. It was just like the movies with her as the damsel in distress and me as the knight who was there to save her. Everyone around us saw us as the perfect couple who would get married one day. But something inside me broke and I lost my attraction to her and felt an overwhelming urge to break up. We discussed what to do and after several painful months I chose what was the only choice at that point which was to stop dragging her through my own internal problem anymore. So I'm the bad guy that dumped the perfect girlfriend and to this day I still don't know why I did it when people ask me. This unknown reason has made me fear dating now because it might happen again. So now I'm very selective and hoping that one day I will find that girl who I connect with on the spot and fall in love with, but I know this is impractical yet it is what I look for. I swear I confuse myself because I have the brain of an adult and the heart of a child which always contradict each other.

[brain5000]

I admire your sentiment, but with all due respect, this is the kind of myTake a woman would write, because no one spends $50+ on a one- or two-hour experience with zero expectations.

Just as your Take isn't referring specifically to sex, I am not either. All of that money is just as much an emotional investment, perhaps more so, than a physical one. If, after three dates, I'm not making sufficient progress either emotionally or physically, it's time to assess the practicality of spending more.

[kaylaS91]

I never mentioned spending any money on dates? On the contrary, I by far enjoy dates spent at home, just watching a movie in the living room together versus going to an expensive restaurant.
Ironically enough, you're the only one bringing up money equating to an emotional investment.
... Typical male.

[brain5000]

What woman would do a first date in my living room? Or a second date? Or third?

[kaylaS91]

Starbucks would suffice in my books.

[BruceJender]

Lol, staying at home to watch a movie is not a date... hahahahaha!

[Raven1990]

"The one who puts their dignity aside and forgets any sort of goals they hope to attain in life because they can’t imagine their life being good without you in it">> I disagree with that. I think that no one, either guy or girl, should give up any sort of goal just for the sake of the loved one. On the contrary, the loved one should help you to achieve those goals and vice-versa. Otherwise, I'm afraid that in the end both become frustrated for not accomplishing their goals in their individual side. Loving each other but putting aside your true self is not good in long term range

[cigares]

You missed the "but don't be seeking" in what you just quoted. Read carefully.

[Raven1990]

@cigares where is this sentence? i couldn't find it

[cigares]

@Raven1990 "Look for love blindly. Know your values, of course don’t put up with abuse or any sort of mistreatment. But also DON'T be seeking...(insert the bit you quoted)." It's the last paragraph of the take.

[Raven1990]

@cigares oh i see... i have mistaken it

[takumii]

I think love is just an illusion, brain games mind plays to make your reproduce and thus thrive the species.
But if you want to enter into this illusion, then don't be looking for love, because when we look for something, then our mind creates a basic idea what that thing will look like, sound like, feel like. And thus it will make us more selective towards our thoughts and we will leave good persons go away just because they don't match our thoughts.

When it comes to finding love, I believe in this saying,
"Sometimes, when you least expect it, good things happen."

[kaylaS91]

That saying, that good things happen when you least expect it, is exactly why so many people end up giving up on love. I find a lot of people think that means they can basically just sit on their asses and the right person will just find them, zero effort required on their part.

Sure, perhaps love is an illusion to most people. However, isn't every sort of reality created by each individual, hence everyone having their own perspective based on experiences they go through? No two realities are the same, kind of making everyone's life an illusion through which they choose their behaviours based on.

[takumii]

Ya, true. The whole point of not looking for love is not attaching any prejudices and expectations to the person.. but here they go again "right person will find them" is an expectation.

Think like this, if love is real, why would a straight man ALWAYS fall in love with a woman, there should had been a 50% chance of him falling in love with either a man or a woman.

But this does not happen, which means, that being man and woman has a role to play in it. And coincidently we need a man and a woman for the survival of the species, everything falls into their place sooo easily, it has to be a trap XD. Thus, I believe it's an illusion.

[kaylaS91]

ummm no. No to the fact that a straight man should have a 50/50 chance of falling in love with either a man or a woman. He's straight, therefore he's hardwired to be attracted to and mate with a woman. The survival of our species relies on that so.. that would be a pretty shitty move of evolution if such a huge responsibility relied on only 50% of men to 'spread their seed'.

[Rloco]

I do think that love exists, I think the rare thing is to have to people who truly love each other and try in the relationship. A lot of relationships end up one sided. Also I do have hope of finding love I've just lost hope that it will happen anytime soon. Maybe I'll meet someone 7-10 years later once people want to marry.

[kaylaS91]

I think the one-sidedness generally changes from time to time. Like in my own relationship, one of us is usually more into it than the other but it's a give-take. He'll do that for a week or two, then I take over.

You should try to meet the person you want to settle down with before your group is around the age of actually getting married. People generally don't jump right into marriage so by then, I'd imagine most of the girls you'd be more compatible with will already be paired up, y'know?

[Rloco]

Yeah it's just that most girls my age aren't interested in me at all romantically. I have a lot of female friends and I feel like that won't change for a while.

[kaylaS91]

The best way to find someone in cases like that is to look outside of your friend group. Find a new girl that you're interested in pursuing, versus just waiting till most are already taken. You have your best chances right now, when most are getting into or testing the waters of who they can see themselves with in the long-run.

[TadCurious]

kayla once again you write a great myTake. Sometimes it's best to put away the romance novel notions of love and just appreciate the little things. Like the moment portrayed in the pic you included with the guy coming up behind his girl. It's a simple thing but it's really powerful.

[kovalinkie19]

While I tend to agree with your overall message of love comes in all forms and no one is going to meet every expectation you have, to go in completely blindly seems misguided a bit as well. An idea or foundation is always good, as if you have a physical or religious or personality preference, that gives you a good way of narrowing down some candidates in a vast ocean.

[pavlove]

I think you have to keep two seemingly contradictory ideas in your head when dating and usually people only have one or the other

-know what makes you happy in a relationship

-be open and present to things you didn't expect

i think being too blind can cause you to wander aimlessly and never find the right person but being too focused causes you to miss something you didn't know you wanted so... know what you want and be flexible?

[kaylaS91]

true on how you can't be completely blind, zero expectations. I'm talking more like expectations that the guy throw out hundreds on you on a weekly basis, to show that he 'really' loves you. Excessive expectations will get you no where but forever alone and bitching that nobody's good enough.

[Dubhlann]

I can't see "Looking for Love" without thinking "Wooking for Nub".

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9wo1-sI7MOQ

[abundantlyrich]

They won't get one if they are just as narcissistic as the next person who rejects them.

[Slimboyfat]

i think my failed relationships and endless stream of rejections have made me more cynical of love. its kinda hard to believe in something like that wheen you keep failing i guess

[red324]

It's always easier to tell the truth, no need to manipulate anybody.

[kaylaS91]

who said anything about manipulating anybody?

[red324]

Oh I read a sentence about people attracting master manipulators. Couple paragraphs down.

[Christian0807]

Do you want to date or just get your body out there and want someone for you body because that's what your profile pic is reeling me about you.

[kaylaS91]

ah okay, thanks for sharing. I do have a boyfriend so.. I'm 'getting my body out there' to in a way show off the progress I've made in my frequent gym sessions.
I guess appearances can be deceiving!

[BruceJender]

I personally have so much love to give to a special girl. I just need her to find me.

[RandomPerson1324]

I think it has a lot to do with money, reproduction, physical attractiveness...

[kaylaS91]

Those would be more applicable to lust versus love.

[RandomPerson1324]

No, more applicable to reproduction and reality...

[kaylaS91]

... maybe if you're too bitter to look for someone who actually wants a relationship.
But hey, to each their own!

[RandomPerson1324]

I think that's just child's play... Like high school stuff...

Eventually, it's going to come down to just having kids...

[kaylaS91]

perhaps in the end but I wouldn't lower my standards just because I want someone to have kids with. I'll only be with someone who I'm fully compatible with, get along with well inside and outside of the bedroom plus that I mesh well with financially and in terms of life-styles. Because, spin it as negative all you want, but getting married is basically sharing your life with someone else and money or financial security/stability is a pretty essential thing.

Once I establish that within my relationship, and only then, would I consider having children.

[RandomPerson1324]

I'm the one who brought up money, not you...

[kaylaS91]

yea, I realize that.

[RandomPerson1324]

What about eating oranges?

[kaylaS91]

.. eating oranges is insignificant to me.

[RandomPerson1324]

Grapefruits?

[Bluemax]

Loved the Say Anything reference.

[kaylaS91]

oh was that quote from the movie or something?

[Indestructable]

There's some truth in this

[xxcchhllaauu]

Love doesn't exist just like how God doesn't

[kaylaS91]

love and god are two completely different things.

[xxcchhllaauu]

but there simular in how neither exists

[kaylaS91]

yes because god is an omnipresent being who rules over essentially the entire universe. Love is an emotion, a feeling towards another human being. Very much the same.

[Anonymous]

Not a bad take but I've already given up.