Is asking too many questions a form of being controlling?

[Anonymous]

I have a tendency of asking too many questions... it makes my girlfriend feel like I'm interrogating her.. Which is not my intention..

it's not that I don't trust her...because that's what she thinks it is

I'm just the type of person that needs to know the details.. I feel bad for how I make my girlfriend feel because she's now getting sick of me

because she feels like I'm "controlling"

[authentic]

"I'm just the type of person that needs to know the details.."

This means you are the mental/learner type. This works well in fields such as the academic arena, scientific research, news reporting ... etc. Brilliant researchers have this kind of inquisitiveness.

However, when it comes to human relationships, there is something called private space. A human being is not a universe, sitting there to ease your curiosity, allowing you to dig all you want. Actually, I am not even sure if that is the purpose of existence of universes.

When you use your mental energy to pry into another human being's pirvate space, you are actually an aggressor, trepassing his/her right to privacy without regard for his/her feelings. You are "raping" other people's with your questions, forcing them to reveal their thoughts/feelings to you. Using "they can choose not to reply" is only a lame excuse. Because you are banging on their door with your questions, which is the same as hassling them. This is the dark side of the teaching profession, actually. Many teachers are aware of it, if they are not, their personal relationship is going to end up in the ditch. Who likes to be striped naked with incessant questionings?

Many control freaks have this need to understand what other people are thinking, doing, feeling ...etc. And use these information to control others, eliciting the response/behaviors they want. So you need to ask yourself, "WHY do I need to ask my friend every question I can think of? What are the consequences?"

Also, saying "I am just that kind of guy" is an equally lame excuse, the same as when a robber arguing "I am just that kind of guy". No jury or court would accept that kind of arguement.

You need to use your heart with human affairs. Let that be the master over your head. Many guys (and girls) made this mistake because that's the way they were brought up. That also account for many "heartless, manipulative relationships" which ends in separation.

For mental people, the longest journey in the world is the one from the head to the heart. When they eventually get there, and only when they get there, would they find peace, joy, and happiness. The kind of "happiness" that learning provides is actually "excitement" or "mental stimulation", it has nothing to do with bliss, or real happiness. The trip is well worth the effort.

[ghart717]

This post changed my life. Thanks!

[monster]

I know you're asking girls, but if a girl did that to me I would think she WAS controlling me, and I would react "allergic" to it. That is just a bad habit, IMHO.

[Asker]

Well I think she just takes it the wrong way.. or maybe I just don't know how to ask right or overdo it..

[monster]

I'll try to explain. Someone who asks to much questions makes you paranoid, and forces you to worry about what you do, because they are likely to ask you why you did something, and sometimes you just don't have an answer, and don't even want to find an answer. Having to worry about what your partner is going to think if you do this or that is stressful and tiresome. It makes you feel like you are imprisoned in a way. So, by asking all those questions you ARE controlling them, indirectly.

[Amnichole88]

you get to a point where you don't even wana tell them anything cus they make the convo suck by turning you into the bad guy... you become a suspect in a possible unknown crime... geeze! Viscous and repulsive

[Anonymous]

I understand this from your girlfriend's point of view. I feel as though a relationship should flow easy. Asking so many questions just seems to me as though you might have some trust issues, and that you are asking those questions in order to put your mind at ease. However, I know that every time I feel as though I'm being interrogated, it makes me less and less willing to give information even in passing. I'm constantly wondering if "this" or "that" is going to raise a suspicious eyebrow and I'm not even doing anything. It makes me feel like a child being questioned by their parents about who broke the cookie jar (and we don't even have one). It does seem to me as a way of being controlling because you're not allowing the flow of information to come naturally. You're prying it out of her. If she wanted you to know everything she would tell you. Some people are more guarded with their information. I agree with the privacy space comment. It doesn't necessarily mean that she won't eventually tell you things, but the more that you push, the less answers you are likely to get (which I'm sure will make you more suspicious). It's a vicious cycle that may eventually cost you a relationship! Of course, you may not be suspicious at all. I am simply speaking from MY experience. Perhaps try asking less questions and changing the approach to the questions you do ask!

[rachiee]

Its not really controlling since you aren't forcing her to do things or making her not hang out with her friends. Its more of you not trusting her or thinking that she's doing sneaky things, that's why you ask so many questions to satisfy your mind that nothing's going on. I would try relaxing and when things happen that you would normally ask a lot of questions about, take a deep breathe and let it be. Tell yourself that you don't need to know everything and that you have no reason to not trust her.

[Lady_ronn]

Great information and highly helpful. I was raised with controlling parents and I see how this has effected my partner so I came up with a solution to not ask questions for a week. I than, decided to ask google “why do I question etc… and this was the perfect feedback and highly accurate and I too, felt like it was not a big deal if you have nothing to hide which was just an excuse to be controlling to get my way, I now know. I am aware and can acknowledge how unfair it is to others, and plan to do what’s necessary on my end to control myself enough to respect my partner and how he feels. This was and is, a great way to take in consideration and to dig deep into my roots and upbringing to stop this generational curse, that I am no longer apart of. Thank you so much for this. It was so necessary.

[ijustneedtoknow123]

So as someone that is a lot more logical mindset how do i worry about someone or show interest without asking too many questions?