He loves me but is with her because of obligation. What should I do?

Question

After losing trust in my husband since discovering he had an affair, our marriage disintegrated. I took comfort in a male colleague who became my confidante and support. I fell in love with him. He has a girlfriend, who he wasn't in love with, but maintains the relationship due to responsibility. Although it was against all my principles I was undoubtedly crazy in love with him, we had an affair. We had plans to be together after we end our existing relationship, however things didn't go to plan. When he told his girlfriend that he cheated on her, he thought she will leave him, but instead she wanted to remain with him as she still loves him. This surprised him, and his feelings of obligations towards her deepened. He felt he wronged her and owed her too much to leave her. Although he is in love with me and not in love with her he felt compelled to pay the price of his sinful ways, and to continue the relationship with his girlfriend. This resulted in him quitting his job and telling me that we can't see each other anymore. My heart broke, and my feelings of sadness is overwhelming. I know I deserve it and that I put myself in this situation but I really don't know how to go on without him. Please give me advice of:

1) Should I wait out their relationship to end (how long do you think this will be?)

2) Should I try to get him back (e.g. say I'm pregnant with his child so he'll feel obligated to be with me)

3) Should I respect his decision but find a way so that we can maintain contact as friends (e.g. convince him to return to the job and that I'll promise to keep my hands off him)

3) Move on and find a replacement (I don't know how to do this. I don't think I can. I don't want to be with anyone else)

QueenKatie · Accepted Answer

Awww, you sound so sorrowful. Even when we know that we are making ourselves vulnerable, sometimes love makes us thrust blindly ahead anyway, heedless of all warnings. I don't judge or blame you at all, but I think you need help seeing the truth here.

Whatever he tells you about feeling responsible, or having obligations, he is in a position to choose between you and his old girlfriend. And he has chosen her over you. I'm sorry to be harsh, but while you keep sugarcoating his actions, and telling yourself that if only he were less noble he would pick you, you can't heal. He's not noble in the slightest! If he had THAT strong a sense of obligation to his girlfriend, he wouldn't have cheated on her in the first place. And if he had THAT strong a love for you, wild horses couldn't drag him from your side. The fact that he has left you speaks volumes. Please don't be fooled by this line about 'responsibility' and 'obligation'. Whatever story he spins you, he's not 'suffering' with his current girlfriend. Actually, he's in clover! He has two women, young and attractive, falling over themselves to be with him, even though he cheats on one and tells the other she is second best!

Secondly, what is he doing right now? It sounds to me that he and his girlfriend have had crisis talks, and that she has set him some sensible ultimatums: to break things off completely with you, and to quit his job so he's no longer in the way of temptation. Pretty much any woman who was fighting to preserve her relationship would say the same thing and set the same goals. The fact that he's actually taken this action suggests that he's willing to make some big sacrifices to save his current relationship. He's quite clearly making a choice in her favour right this second, yet you're still too in love with him to see it, my dear.

So what is my advice to you? Not option one! Don't wait for him - though you might not think it, relationships can recover even from an affair, and last for decades afterwards. The fact that his girlfriend hasn't left him immediately suggests that there is some real strength there. And even if he did leave her, could you ever really feel secure in a relationship that started with cheating? You'd always be waiting for him to cheat on you with someone else.

Option two involves you in despicable behaviour. I can only imagine how upset you must be even to consider that as an option. You are much, much better than lying to him to get him back. Not only would it demean you completely, but it WILL get found out.

Option 3 isn't a real option. You clearly haven't moved on, and you obviously can't be 'just friends' with him (don't kid yourself that this is any more than an excuse to restart the relationship).

I recommend option 4. You don't feel like you will right now, but you'll heal and life will be wonderful again. You're young, you're vibrant and you deserve someone's whole attention and love. Good luck!

noname1218 · Accepted Answer

I find the people writing on these questions about affairs so judgmental. I used to be the same. Its so easy to look down on someone having an affair. And, its so easy to think it could NEVER be you. No one should ever think that it can't happen to them. I understand your feelings. After 20+ years of marriage, I fell for a guy at work. These things happen when there has been a lot of hurt in your current relationship--for you, you husband having an affair left you vulnerable. For me, it was 20 years of verbal abuse. This is not to say its your spouses' fault. We have to take responsibility for our actions. But...you were left in a hurt and vulnerable place. Then, another man comes along that treats you in a way that makes you feel special and beautiful. Obviously, he had issues too or he wouldn't have had the affair with you. Like you, I ended up in an affair -- mine was more emotional. We never had sex but did other things that were sexual. No one would EVER guess that I would be capable of this. I never thought I was. But, it happens.

That being said, you do have to accept that he has moved on. The first three options are never going to work in the long run. If there were any feelings that he loved you and wants to be with you, then letting him go is the best thing to do. If he wants to be with you, he will realize that and contact you. My situation was so similar as my affair was with a man who had been with his girlfriend for over 20 years. I think he too feels obligated to her for whatever reason. But, look at us...we have kind of done the same thing. Your husband had an affair on you & you are still with him. I was verbally abused but stayed. Its not so easy to walk away from a current relationship for what is a secretive, brief affair even when those feelings are so strong. Even if he felt a lot for you, he is leaving someone he has known for a long time for someone he would be taking a huge chance on. It would be a big risk & I think that's why it rarely happens. I don't think the people writing on this realize that REAL feelings are involved here -- two people genuinely having feelings for each other. Had the situation been different -you were both single-it might have been an awesome relationship.

I went through the same feelings as you. I literally went into an immediate depression when we broke it off. But, the less I saw him the easier it got. I still have to work with him, so its very hard. But, I know trying to get him back isn't going to work. You will feel better over time. And, even though so many comments on here are so negative and make you feel like crap, you are not a bad person. You got into a bad situation & that happens to good people too. Try to learn something from it. You now know you can really love someone again. If you want to try to have that with your husband, go into counseling. If you've realize you can never have that, now you know you can have it with someone else

CuddlyCarla · Accepted Answer

Obviously, it wasn't against your principals if you had an affair. No one held a gun up to your head and made you do that, every human is imbued with free will. Perhaps it's time to re-evaluate your principals and define what they actually are. Regardless of why someone is in a relationship, they still made that choice and it's one only they can make and one that should thus be respected. Your husband's affair isn't an excuse for you to have one. I am skeptical that he even told his girlfriend he cheated on her. Can you confirm that he isn't just feeding you a line? I have to be straight up with you, if he didn't want to be with her, he wouldn't. He may tell you he feels it's obligatory, but again people follow their free will and do what they want. If he was serious about you, he would leave her and chose you. I'm sure that's painful, but it's time to start accepting reality and taking responsibility. You freely chose to put yourself in a bad situation that hurt people (even if you too were hurting) and thus every action has consequences and you can't complain that you didn't ride off into the sunset with this person after how it all happened. Why wait for something to end when the person doesn't even appear to love you enough to make the choice to commit to you when there are 6 billion people on the planet? I am shocked you'd use lies and manipulation to get him back. Honestly, you two sound like a match made in heaven after what I've read. I'm just being honest with you, which is the reason you posted this question. Don't post it if you aren't willing to read the ugly truth. If you are the type of person that would cheat and lie and manipulate a partner, you shouldn't be with anyone at all until you get yourself some counseling and do whatever you need to in order to be happy with who you are so that you don't act as a wrecking ball in your own live and those of the people around you. You don't sound ready to have a healthy relationship or be a healthy person, you should commit to better choices. Everyone can change and everyone can be happy, but it has to start from within and you have to work for it. Forgive yourself, commit to learning from the past, and use it to make fundamental changes. Good luck.

ap1100 · Accepted Answer

You have a messed up situation. While I don't know him and this isn't as cut and dry as some, my first impression was "yeah, that what he tells you". Every side affair gets the "you're the one I really love, I don't love my GF/wife" treatment. What else would he say?! If he won't leave her due to some "responsibility" issue (which sounds very fishy), then he may be a good person, but when he stays out of a feeling of obligation, that may seem noble, but humans aren't altrustic, and it's probably an insecurity you'd be better off without. Besides, unless he has a kid with her or drove a car over a cliff and paralyzed her, what "responsibility" can he have?

As to your question, I think your relationship should end. He's with her. He's not leaving her. It's wrong of you (and him) on an emotional and physical level (ie: STDs) to continue having an affair with him. IF you're not getting a divorce, it's also wrong of you to be having an affair without trying to patch up your marriage. As to trying to get him back, this is where we see your true intentions. How you feel, as a seemingly well-spoken adult, that the game-playing of telling him you're pregnant is a solution is beyond me (and again, if you're having unprotected sex, you and his girlfriend are at potential risk). You need to give him space to do what is right. He doesn't want to commit to you and he doesn't feel the same way you do. You seem to have no objections to hurting his girlfriend, but he cares about her more than you, or else he'd leave her. Don't think you can get him back to his job and you'll just "keep your hands off of him"... do you really believe you would or could do that?

As to not wanting to be with anyone else, that is rather immature and short-sighted. I would recommend talking to a therapist. I'm not trying to be rude as I've seen a therapist before. Your husband's affair has perhaps given you an intimacy issue where you prefer being the girl on the side because you're afraid to really be with him. Right now, you're hiding behind his not leaving the girlfriend. The fact that you want no one else but a two-timing guy who lies to you and his main girlfriend about multiple things is indicative of a problem. I wouldn't necessarily recommend finding another guy to replicate the pattern with, but this current situation is rife with insecurity. And again, trying to manipulate him with some fake obligation is sinking very low.

Subotai · Accepted Answer

What the hell is responsibility.  If you want to be his mistress go ahead.  How could you hurt his girlfriend like this.  Why are you in love with a man who doesn't seem to have a pair.  He can't make a decision, that's what you like in a man.  How the hell can he stay together with her out of obligation and still continue to cheat on her.  That's how he's goign to  pay the price of his sinful ways.  Banging you then going and having some pity sex with his girlfriend whos cryign because he knows he just go home from banging you.  How much hurt and feelings of worthlessness do you think she is feeling inside right now.  His decsion not to see you anymore is somewhat redeeming.  How do you know he doesn't love her.  Sounds like he does, people that cheat do that you know.  Imagine what he says about you to his girlfriend he probably describes you as nothing just a slut that tried to seduce me and I was so stupid I gave into her and I'm so sorry but it was meaningless and I felt bad and she isn't even as good in bed as you are and I realized that I really love you that's what he's saying to his girlfriend sorry oh and saying your pregnant with his child you would really lie like that, how much would that hurt his girlfriend.  What would happen when you didn't have a baby.  That is why I am going to conclude you are both a terrible person and an idiot.  And believe me you want to be with someone else.

paragiveadamn · Answer

You you you. Clearly this guy had some kind of guilt in him to stick with his g/f, out of obligation or not, it's just an excuse. It seems both you and him are acting compulsively and toxic to each others environment (and his g/f; who is a case in her own). But you both keep feeding your selfish desires so blindly that you can't stop this kid from going as far as quitting his job over you? Are you really so deserving of such efforts? Is the love you guys have for each other meant for the life around you to crumble and burn just to be together. You say you love this guy? Then do nothing, and instead offer support for any hardships he might have endured or imposed on himself due to his drunk love over you. For him to act so absolute is beyond childish. QueenKatie is right. Even if you got with this guy, don't be so egocentric to not believe you might be in his current g/f's situation one day. This has a lot to do with fixing issues within both you and the guy individually. You're craving a toxic love, an addicting love that will not progress or grow or flourish maturely. It's only going to be a roller coaster of extreme highs and heart crushing lows. As powerful as polarity is in relationships, in the end, opposite energies drain from each other until nothing's left.

Annette83 · Answer

Lady, you are deluding yourself. I am guessing that if you had a friend in the same situation, you would tell her to get out of it right away.

Your marriage broke up because of cheating, so clearly you don't like being cheated on. Yet you have chosen to date a cheater in your new relationship... Do you think he is not going to cheat on you? Most cheaters I know of stay cheaters. My guess is that this guy is going to cheat on you, just like he is cheating on his current girlfriend if you stay with him.

I think this guy is B.S.ing you. If he really felt an obligation to his current girlfriend, he wouldn't be cheating on her. If he were a responsible, decent guy, he would end his relationship with her before starting one with you. Guys often tell the woman they are cheating with that their relationship is meaningless and they want to get divorced/ break up with their current girlfriend. It doesn't happen. Or if it finally does happen, they go on to cheat again.

You need to lose this guy. You can do better. What you are doing is wrong, because you are with someone else's guy. He is obviously not worth it because he will cheat on you too if he is cheating with you. It sounds like he has decided to stay with his girlfriend. You need to find a guy who is not attached to someone else and who is a good enough person that he won't cheat on you. I think you also need to ask yourself why you are attracted to these jerks and figure out how to avoid them in future. Good luck.

Bee-D-taste · Answer

I have read many stories like this where someone who is the third party is hurt when the man or woman does not leave their partner. I believe that the best answer is to just avoid people who are taken, it leads to less heartbreak. But you are already in your situation so I'll try to help as best I can.

1- If you wait out their relationship it may not end and then you are missing opportunities to meet other available men who are just as nice. So this is a either it happens or it doesn't and if it doesn't your the one who suffers the most. He is getting love and attention after all. And you don't really want to be alone.

2- Do not lie to him. That is going to just lose his trust and then a relationship would be hard if not impossible to have. It seems like he is the type to want to do right so if you do wrong then he won't like that.

3- If he were to leave his girlfriend and you were still good friends then this option whould be best because you would be right there for him when he was ready.

4- If you don't think you can do it then just try to make new male friends. it isn't like you are losing interest in him but if you were to find a single man who was some how better then you have that option.

I hope I've helped at least a tiny bit. C:

misslippy35 · Answer

Is this a serious question?  You lost trust in your husband then started an affair of your own, essentially putting his girlfriend in the same shoes you yourself were in.  That is not only unfair, it is very, very selfish.  Why would you go and hurt another woman when you know how this pain feels?  Men will very rarely tell you "Oh yeah...I still love my girlfriend/wife but would love it if you let me have you,too"  Of course he is going to feed you this B.S.!  This way he can have everything he wants with none of the accountability!  He isn't going to leave her, so you can just march yourself right out of that "relationship" to another man (who has no girlfriend or wife) and stop lying to yourself in the future, stop confusing lust with love, and stop looking for "replacements" for the men you are currently seeing.  That is equal to replacing a tire or something.  You don't replace people. I say respect his decision.  And for God's sake, you must truly be a catch if you would even THINK to say you're pregnant when you are not.  And that would only last until you were supposed to be showing.  LAME.

hisangel · Answer

I think you need to rethink what love is. I don't mean that hatefully. What I mean is love isn't the warm, fuzzy feelings that make us stumble into bed with each other. Those feelings are a combination of attraction, desire, hope, newness of a situation, and a desire for intimacy.

Love is an attachment. Love, in the weirdest twist, is what is happening with the man you slept with and his girlfriend. In your relationship, when you were cheated on, rather than work it out you choice to look elsewhere. But in this man's girlfriends case, she choice to forgive him and try to make the relationship work. After he realized what he did, he returned to her out of love. Not the ooey gooey feelings, but that enduring attachment to her. When he says he is "obligated" to her what he is saying is the warmth of love had died down, it was just an ember, but it was strong enough to keep him from completely leaving her.

Yes he messed up. But she has forgiving him. And maybe at one time he wanted to leave her rather than watch the final little bit of love die out. But I hate to tell you this but what happened with you and him, only brought their love back to life. He know realizes that he wants her and she realizes that even though he hurt her she wants him.

I know it is heartbreaking because you didn't find him at a good time in life so you probably put every ounce of hope that life can be good into him. But he can't be your hope in more, love. He has made that decision for you.

My hope for you is that you would handle the situation with him the way you wish your husbands mistress would handle it with you. Would you want her calling all the time if you were trying to work it out? Would you want her to use the baby as a tool to get to him?

I know this is going to sound impossible but if you love him, if you really love him, respect his choice and allow him to find happiness.

vice-chix · Answer

Walk away. I repeat Walk away.

There is MORE there then you know. He wants to make it work with her. He quit his job AND ended things with you. You HAVE to respect that and let him go.

All this rubbish about getting pregnant and finding a replacement is not exactly rational. You should be looking to mend your MARRIAGE. You are married. Bottom line - things are too complicated between you and your lover -- and from my vantage point he seems to be trying harder with the girlfriend then you with you husband.

I know this is a harsh response... but if he wanted you in his life you would be. Bottom line.

Move on and get your sh*t together. If it was meant to be love will find a way.

timetofly2010 · Answer

so you divorce you husband because he had an affair?

and you have an affair with someone that's in another relationship?

hmm either way sounds like your the other woman. get yourself out of that situation.

your co worker was there for comfort and because you were vulnerable and hurt your need for love and attention (that he gave you) caused you to fall in love with him.

this is not the time to be dependent on a man again. seriously NOW is NOT the time to be in a relationship of any kind. once you realize this and learn to be independent you will honestly come to realize that you won't need this guy and you will be strong again and that will be the time when you are ready for a healthy relationship.

in short...NOW is NOT the time to be with or want to be with a guy. its time out: learn about yourself and learn to love yourself before you love others

Cherrychix6 · Answer

First off You did not deserve this, no one does.  You may have made some choices that lead to this situation but the outcome could have been different.  I don't think that you should wait their relationship out.  He obviously made his choice and he chose her. If you are actually pregnant I think that you should tell him but I don't think you should force him to be with you because of it.  I also don't think that it would be a good healthy relationship if the only reason he is with you is because of the child.  I don't think that you should try to maintain a relationship of any kind because in the end you are only hurting yourself.  I think that you should not be looking for a replacement, you should give yourself some time and then start dating again to find someone who will be with you and love you no matter what.

xxsocalgrlxx · Answer

YOUR A WEIRDO...FOR ONE YOU ALREADY HAD A HUSBAND WHO CHEATED ON YOU THEN You HAVE SOME GUY CHEAT ON HIS GIRL...WHATS WRONG WITH YOU CANT You BRAKE THE CIRCLE?! AND SORRY BUT HE DOESNT LOVE YOU...HE DOES NOT HASVE ANY OBLIGATION TO HER...THERE ARE NO KIDS...EXCEPT MAYB A CAT OR A DOG... SO NO THATS AN EXCUSE...CANT YOU SEE THAT... IF HE REALLY LOVED YOU HE WOULD BE WITH YOU NO HER YOU YOU YOU YOU YOU! BUT NO HE LEFT YOU TO GO BACK TO HIS WIFE TO MAKE IT UPTO HER NOT BC HE WAS OBLIGATED BY A IMAGINARY GUN TO HIS BRAINS OR HEART BUT BECAUSE HE LOVES HER AND REALIZED BY HURTING HER HE HURT HIMSELF AND DOESNT WANT TO LOOSE HER THATS WHY HE STAYED WITH HER AND WAS PROBABLY HAPPY AS GOD KNOWS WHAT THAT HER DUMB ASS DIDNT DUMB HIM...WHY ARE You FEMALES LETTING MEN PLAY U...COME ON WE ARE SMARTER THAN THAT...

Clair · Answer

move on.

You say you're in love but how long has this been going on?

I don't care who anyone is real love take time, a lot of time, and she has that over you in spades, yeah if you hang around he'll probably use you for a quick shag, or start getting weirded out, but either way it's not healthy for you.

How well do you really know this guy. The vibe I'm getting for you this is that he's just a lying scum bagio. He doesn't love you, never did.

Probably just used you because his girlfriend wasn't paying him enough attention and it made him feel better.

Any way , good luck, find a nice free boy to fall for next time.

the-love-guru · Answer

I know it hurts, and you're trying to think positive... but he made his choice. If he's not with you, he must not have wanted to be with you that bad. I'm not saying it to be hurtful, but if you reaaaally want to be with someone, you won't let anything get in your way. I think it's wrong of him to stay in a loveless relationship. It's unfair to both parties, and obviously hurting you as well. However, cheating is cheating, and I won't get into that topic. I tend to lose my cool... Whatever you do, don't lie to get him back. That's the worst way to start a relationship.

Best of luck!

bennynthejets · Answer

Move on. First off, how do you know he is not playing on your emotions as well? I would be suspicious of any man that says he does not love the person he is with, but will not leave them. If he has kids with her, he could possibly not be in love with her, but he realizes he has a duty, and men are big on this -- well some of us men are anyway. I think he is just wanting to keep you around to have that emotional/sexual connection he lacks at home...but don't think that the things he tells you about his home life are all true...he could very much be in love with this other person, but he can't let you know that...although he should considering all the details you mentioned.

stercor · Answer

You knowingly put yourself in this situation.

You made your bed, now sleep in it!

Try to look at the situation objectively, if you can. It's a lose-lose situation.

You "can't live without him". He can't disentangle himself from the "other woman".

This is a sure-fire powder keg, if you get my drift.

Sex messes up relationships, as you've found out.

Good luck in the future,

Ted

P.S. I got up on the wrong side of the bed, and the coffee hasn't yet kicked in.

stktder · Answer

You need to move on. Your boyfriend has way too much luggage for you. As far as you not wanting to be with anyone else, I promise you there is a much nicer guy out there who is looking for you. After you find him, you will wonder what you ever saw in the guy you are with.

Anonymous · Answer

girl please you are obviously being played. have enough respect for yourself to end the relationship. and about your hubby cheating..you don't fix a relationship by cheating.

"he's staying with her out of obligation" um that's a classic line cheaters use. have you ever heard "if I break up with her she'll kill herself/take the kids away" or "she is terminally ill and can't have sex". those are all classic lines cheaters use to justify to the other woman that they need a side piece.

enlightenment · Answer

number 4...and you know its true.  That boy played you like a fiddle.  I'd be surprised if he even told his girlfriend about the affair.

lvax06 · Answer

3 all the way, youare infatuated with the idea of him being taboo.  You want something of someone else's. It's that whole you want what you can't have thing. Step back think about it and you know I'm right.

shyguy26 · Answer

3 because something else is up. What is his obligation to stay with her? Her being in love with him has nothing to do with him at all since he doesn't feel the same way.

cekendria09 · Answer

You might were just somebody he went to for help like you did him if he stayed with her he loves her or has more feelings for her then he says so and you can't be mad

sumina7 · Answer

How sure are you that what he told you about his girlfriend is true. Is it verifiable independently?

Anonymous · Answer

Hi. I completely understand what you went through. I don't know what your situation is rigt now but id like to talk to you. I have went through a similar situation xx

jacquesvol · Answer

3) Move on and find a replacement

Anonymous · Answer

Classic bullsh*t.  You fell for it.  Move on.

He loves me but is with her because of obligation. What should I do?

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