Why can’t I leave him?

[Anonymous]

We’ve been dating for half a year and we argue a lot. He has addiction problems and he seems to be controlling. I had to delete and stop talking to all my male friends, he doesn’t want me dressing up or wearing makeup and I can’t even see my female friends. When my phone rings or beeps he asks who it is and looks. There’s been a lot of letdowns and I don’t get what is wrong with me. Whenever we argue at the end I’m always to blame. When I said I didn’t want to give up my male friends he said he’d go to his female friends houses. It’s always something like that.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like you initially mistaken his controlling behavior as strong masculine energy. I hate it I mean competing f’ing hate it that some women make this mistake.

Reason being is they are rewarding men for bad behavior. It never works out in the long run but these assholes do get their foot in the door vs. some good guys who don’t even get a chance at all. Also it’s usually happening when these women are in their prime youth, looks and beauty. The abusive asshole gets to cut in line.

Anyway you can’t move on from him due to a deep insecurity you have. A part of you subconsciously feels like you deserve to be controlled and can’t make your own best judgment. As if you had an overly controlling father or something.

You need a careful game plan to get out of this. What makes these situations even worse is these assholes can get violent. His controlling behavior is actually a reflection of the fact he is extremely insecure. This is actually the worst form of male insecurity. That’s also probably one of the reasons he has addictions (not sure what type, is it hard drugs? Gambling?).

Anyway you need a plan to completely remove yourself from him at all costs. Can’t run into him at work, social media school, social gatherings. That doesn’t mean you still shouldn’t do a face to face break up. Being told straight to his face he needs to change would be good for him. But when you do it make sure there are people in ear shot just in case he does something stupid. Be honest with him that he needs to seriously self analyze his life, his behavior and his decisions.

Chances are his addictions will go from bad to worse after this. That is not your fault. I would be inclined to have more sympathy for him if he wasn’t a control freak but he is and that’s dangerous. It’s one thing if he told you he wasn’t comfortable with you having guy friends. Quite another if he is forcing you not to wear make up and the other bs control freak crap you described above.

[Asker]

The other day he was drinking a lot prior to me coming over (I didn’t know how much) then he told me that after I leave (he was supposed to drive me home) he’ll go to his friends house. I was upset because I came over with food for dinner and he was supposed to drive me home. So right after he sees I’m sad he gets up and calls his friend saying he’s on his way. I got mad and I asked him if we’re done. He said I can drive his car or he will call me a taxi. I said I’m not going. What happened next was he started throwing stuff, breaking things, kicking, yelling. He was mad I wasn’t cooking and he was hungry. I’m still processing all this. I told him he changes when he’s drunk and that he needs help. Then for a time he was okay but when something he was doing went wrong he started yelling and throwing stuff again. He always seems to turn it to me that it’s my fault.

[Opinion Owner]

Why did you tolerate that bullshit? Why?

It’s true that even the best of men will have their lesser moments. I have said and done a lot of regrettable words/actions in front of women I dated in the past. But after the incident I would always own up to my bs if I knew I said/did wrong.

But again why did you tolerate this bullshit? I don’t say this to be condescending but a big part of this is on you to put up with that bullshit. You made a voluntary choice to be disrespected like that.

Now that doesn’t justify his behaviors or actions of course. But you can’t let men abuse you and just “hope” they will change. You aren’t necessarily “a victim” when you have the power to walk away and you could have easily.

I swear to God it’s amazing how women will tolerate more bs then they should from some men vs. quickly judging and rejecting other men for fickle reasons all based on their “feelings”. Not to say some men fall in the same trap but we don’t tolerate it as long as women do. We also don’t expect the world to have sympathy for us when we do get burned.

Right or wrong the world tells men they are “chumps” if they tolerated abuse too long from women. But women rarely told that. Why?

Anyway again what he did was unacceptable. But you have a responsibility to respect YOURSELF and walk away.

[Asker]

I don’t know why I didn’t leave. I wanted to help him because of his life traumas. I had hope things would get better and that he would want better for himself. There was also a point where he said he’d get a gun and start shooting the walls that he’s done that before. In the end I thought he’d change because he said he’s better than what he used to be and he said he’s never done that before. It was just crazy.

[Opinion Owner]

Omg! Seriously? Really?

Take this as a hard lesson on what to avoid. It’s one thing if someone makes this major mistake once in their life. But when they repeat it I have a hard time having sympathy for them.

Personally I would of ran for the hills if a woman started acting this way in front of me. No matter how hot she was I could get out very quickly.

[Opinion Owner]

And why are you still “pining” for someone like that? Really? This guy was a complete psycho nut job. Just because he validates your insecurities?

If women didn’t have this inexplicable behavior then our world have at least 50% fewer problems.

[Asker]

Yeah it was messed up. He didn’t really talk to me much yesterday and he seems to always turn it on me. I think this was the last straw for the both of us.

[Asker]

I think it’s because I think of the good times we had together. If this happened to a friend I would tell her to run for the hills. I know you’re right and logically I should have left right away and not gone back.

[Oliverlogan263]

Yo, that doesn't sound like a healthy relationship at all. No one should make you feel bad about yourself or control who you talk to. A few thoughts:

- His addiction issues and jealousy are not your fault or responsibility to "fix." You didn't cause them and can't cure them either.

- Telling you what to wear or limiting your friends crossed a line. Your friendships and choices about your body and clothes should be yours alone.

- That he threatens to see other people or turns things around on you during arguments are major red flags. That's emotionally manipulative behavior.

- You deserve to be trusted, supported, and feel good about yourself when you're with someone. This guy clearly makes you question yourself instead.

- I know it's tough to leave, especially after time together. But sometimes walking away is the best thing, even if it hurts for a bit.

- You don't need his permission. Tell someone you trust what's up, make a plan, and do what's best for you and your safety.

Girl, you've got this. I know breaking the cycle will be good for you. My DMs are always open if you need advice or just a friend to listen, 'kay? You got this!

[Anonymous]

Many people stay with their abusers because it gives them a sense of control. You know this man better than we do. You know everything that sets him off and how he responds. You know his whereabouts and moods and therefore know how to act in the way that will be least likely to trigger his temper.

It’s not love that’s keeping you with him. You’re in survival mode.

[Anonymous]

Someone who isolates, manipulates and threatens you isn’t a man worth keeping. There can be many reasons why you won’t let him go but if anything, you should want more for yourself. This man isn’t even your boyfriend and is clearly talking to other women. You should never want to be loved or in a relationship so badly that you set your value aside.

[Nikki1989]

Beats me. Leaving is the easiest thing in the world to do.

[guywholikestoeatout]

It’s simply cause women don’t think logically. If you did, you’d leave him and wouldn’t look back.

[exitseven]

He is controlling you. You think you can save him.