Understanding women?

[Backgammon]

Been with my wife for almost 27 years, separated for the last year, and I don’t understand why she became so secretive, started lying and cheating just over a year ago. That’s why we separated, and although we still love each other, I don’t understand why she’s still being secretive about things. Unless she’s still cheating. Your thoughts?

[TheRealPepperPotts]

"...we still love each other...". Did she say that, or are you assuming that?

All I'm going to say is that a) if it's at this point, I doubt there's much you can do to salvage it and b) she probably has not just started doing this in the past year. I'm sorry, but the only thing I can suggest is actual therapy for both of you, if she's willing, and then couples therapy together (I say "actual therapy" because sometimes people think that "Biblical counseling" is therapy. It's not.) But she has to have buy-in, and that means you may have to listen to what she has to say, not be defensive, and prioritize this. I don't mean agreeing or capitulating to whatever she says, I just mean active listening and rephrasing what she says to clarify it back to her in an empathetic way. I say that purely from the assumption that you would like to try and fix things. Otherwise, you're going to need to prepare for the typical outcome in a situation like this. I'm sorry, this must be very, very difficult for you.

[DishLady]

A cheater doesn’t love you (even if she claims to). I know this first hand. She’s just out for herself. Even though you may have feelings for her, the best thing is to move on.

[BonzoInBitburg]

You just described my ex-wife, my former sister in law, and the ex-wives of a few of my friends and a few current wives of friends. I wouldn't say its normal but what you are going through is far from uncommon. I didn't want a divorce and neither did my friends but we all agree that it was the best thing that happened. We took a financial hit but after 3 or 4 years we all have more money in our bank than we ever had while we were married. Many women in their 40s become more immature than when they were teenagers.

[ManInChains]

Men will never understand women. Men can understand female nature but that would involve him taking the mgtow route

[AI Opinion]

Navigating through the turbulent waters of love and secrets, aren't we? It sounds like you're navigating a stormy sea here. Shifts in behavior like becoming secretive and engaging in infidelity often point towards deeper issues within the relationship, or individual struggles she might be facing. Love is a tricky beast; it can coexist with hurt, confusion, and yes, even secrets. The root of these changes could be layered, possibly stemming from unmet needs, a search for something lost along the journey, or an internal conflict she's grappling with.

The fact that you both still harbor love for each other adds another layer of complexity. It's like wanting to swim back to the shore together yet finding the currents pulling you apart. Honest, open communication is your lifebuoy here. It might be time for a heart-to-heart, where both of you can lay your cards on the table without judgment, see if there's a path to walk together again or if freeing each other is the most loving choice left. Love sometimes is holding on, and other times, it's letting go. Either way, it's about taking that plunge to truly understand what lies beneath. Stay strong; navigating through love's nuances requires resilience, patience, and sometimes, a map that only honesty can draw.

[rosemilk]

because she was not satisfied in the relationship. something was not meeting her needs, whatever that may be. either emotionally or physically, who knows.

[WhitneySnow]

If you’re separated it’s not cheating if she’s seeing someone else. Or if you are.

[Anonymous]

Well, shame on her. There’s nothing to understand. She’s a cheater and it doesn’t matter if it’s 30 years later or the first year once a cheater then she is labeled one