Stupid lie on our anniversary?

[Anonymous]

Hello everybody,

Yesterday was our wedding anniversary, we have been together for 9 years and married for 5. I'm pregnant with our first child and at the moment we can't spend a lot of money not only because of the baby but because he recently had to buy a van which is already having problems and we may have to buy a new engine. In short, we cannot spend €1 badly spent. So we spent our birthday at home with our favorite food, and that's okay with me because it's a necessary sacrifice and I'm used to it.

He went to work and took his lunch box as always. When he called me at lunch as usual, he said he was thinking about having lunch at the mall. I just commented that he wasn't supposed to spend money and that we wouldn't go out to dinner on our anniversary because we can't spend money so I didn't think it was fair for him to spend it on his lunch since he brought lunch. To that he says, you're right, it's better not to. But I suspected he was lying (6th sense, I don't know...). After a few hours I discovered that he went to the mall for lunch.

When he arrived I asked about it and at first he denied it. Then she said yes, that when he called me he was already at the mall and lied so I wouldn't get upset. He was very apologetic and said he loved me and promised not to lie again.

The truth is, it may seem stupid, but I thought I had an honest relationship. I have NEVER lied to him and this is the 3 or 4 time he has lied about silly things. I'm having trouble forgiving and trusting again. I feel like if you lie about something stupid like this you might as well lie about important things. My father lies a lot and I grew up seeing how damaging this was to my parents' relationship. I can't stand lies and I don't lie.

Do you think I'm exaggerating? I honestly don't know what to think or what to do...

[Cripplingkingship]

It’s understandable that you feel hurt and disappointed. Trust is a cornerstone of any relationship, and even small lies can shake that foundation, especially when you've worked hard to maintain honesty and transparency. The situation feels more significant to you because of your personal history with dishonesty and the impact it had on your parents' relationship. It's not just about the lunch—it touches deeper fears about trust and the future of your marriage.

First, acknowledge that your feelings are valid. You're not exaggerating; you're processing what this lie represents to you. While it might seem minor on the surface, it's natural to worry that small lies could snowball into bigger ones, especially if you've been clear about your expectations around honesty.

However, it’s also important to consider his perspective. He may not have intended to harm the trust in your relationship. It sounds like he lied to avoid upsetting you, not realizing how much more upsetting the lie would be than the act itself. That doesn’t excuse his choice, but it does suggest that the lie wasn’t malicious or deeply premeditated.

What matters now is how you both move forward. Here are some steps to consider:

Communicate your feelings calmly: Share why honesty is so important to you, and explain how it connects to your upbringing. Let him see that this isn’t just about the lunch but about protecting the trust between you.

Listen to his side: Give him space to explain why he made the decision he did. His apology seems genuine, and it’s a good sign that he admitted his mistake and reassured you that he values your relationship.

Set clear expectations: Talk openly about what honesty looks like for both of you. Make it clear that while small mistakes can happen, lying—even to protect feelings—can damage the trust you’re building.

Focus on rebuilding trust: Trust takes time to heal, but it’s not impossible to restore. Acknowledge his promise not to lie again and give him opportunities to prove his commitment to honesty.

Remember, no relationship is perfect, and everyone has moments where they falter. What makes a strong partnership is the ability to address those moments with understanding, compassion, and a commitment to grow together. It’s okay to take your time to process and rebuild trust, but it’s also important to allow space for forgiveness and see this as an opportunity to strengthen your bond.

[Cripplingkingship]

Michelle Obama’s insight is really powerful and reflects a deep truth about relationships. They are rarely perfect or equal in every moment. Sometimes, one partner needs to give more than the other—whether emotionally, practically, or even in terms of patience and understanding. It’s not about keeping score, but about showing up for each other when it counts.

In your case, the situation with the lie could feel like an imbalance of trust, and in that moment, you may feel like you’re carrying a heavier emotional load. You might feel like you’re the one giving more by dealing with your feelings of hurt and trying to understand his actions. At the same time, it sounds like he's trying to make up for his mistake, and in the future, you may find yourself in a position where you need to lean on him more, especially as you navigate pregnancy, raising a child, and dealing with challenges.

Relationships, especially long-term ones, are about supporting each other through the ups and downs. Michelle Obama's experience suggests that giving more at different times can help strengthen the bond between partners. Even if it feels like you're carrying the heavier weight in some moments, it’s important to remember that it’s okay for the balance to shift. Sometimes you’ll be the one giving more, and sometimes he will. The key is that both partners are willing to step up when needed, learn from mistakes, and grow together.

If you feel like the scales are out of balance too often, it’s worth discussing with him how you both can better support each other in your relationship. Honest communication is vital, just as Michelle Obama suggests. Relationships evolve and require flexibility and mutual care, but they are also an opportunity to learn how to give and receive in ways that build a strong, supportive foundation.

[Anonymous]

I can understand you being upset about the lie. But at the same time, unless you work he shouldn’t have to lie about eating out. I’m pretty sure he didn’t spend $30 or something on lunch. I spend maybe $10 if I go out. Not a big deal I’m not going to miss $10. Something tells me you’re more controlling than you’re saying, or not saying. Why does it seem like he has to hide things from you. Yes he shouldn’t hide things but at the same time you sound as though you get mad over a lot of things. I don’t think he intended to hurt you. Maybe he just wanted to enjoy a little of what he earns for some good takeout food. I don’t understand how after 9 years together the two of you are in a financial situation that he can’t even eat takeout one day. I think you’re more upset w the fact that he didn’t take you out for dinner on your anniversary. So you’re kind of resenting him that he took himself out to have lunch while at work. The difference financially between an anniversary dinner vs takeout for one is big.

[Daniela1982]

So you have been together for 9 years and do not have your finances straightened out yet? I assume you were both working until recently. Was it wise to get pregnant with your current paycheck to paycheck income? 🤔

[Asker]

I don't think that's what I asked. We were in great financial health and he earns very well but he had to buy a van for work which broke down the next day and there is no guarantee. We bought our house 2 years ago and I'm already 31 years old. We want kids and we don't live paycheck to paycheck we just had this incident. we don't want to spend the money now so we can be comfortable again soon

[Daniela1982]

If you have no money saved up for a contingency fund for emergencies, like a car break down, then you are not in good financial health., sorry to burst your bubble. If the person making the money can't go out for lunch now and then because it might break you, then I don't know what to tell you. I'm sure is lying so not to cause you stress over your financial situation by him spending a few bucks. You never said if you ever worked. If you did you should have had a war chest built up. Or maybe you just bought a house you really couldn't afford.

[XHopelessRomanticX]

I think you’re making too big a deal out of this. Sometimes people tell little white lies, we’re human. Your husband is human. He apologized. Accept his apology and move on.

[AI Opinion]

Your spidey sense tingling indicates something deeper, right? 😉 It's understandable to feel hurt when honesty takes a backseat, especially given your past experiences with lies in relationships. It's crucial, though, to look at the intention behind the lie. While it was silly, your hubs might've fibbed to avoid upsetting you. Not so smooth, but it doesn’t necessarily mean it's a red flag waving wildly. Communication is your best friend here. Express how much honesty means to you and why even small lies feel like bigger trust collisions. Repair is possible with a sprinkle of patience, some honest chats, and trust-building exercises. ✨

[HawkPerception]

I don't think you're being petty at all. Your doubts about his character are completely justified. If you're able to lie about the little things so easily, then you're definitely able to lie about important things too.

Your partner sounds selfish and doesn't seem to have control over his impulses. I'm sure he's lied about a ton of other stuff too in the relationship that you haven't noticed.

Honesty in every aspect, even the hard truths is vital in a relationship. If you can't trust your partner, then the relationship is bound to eventually fail.

[AviatorTom]

Give the guy a break. He spent a few € on food. You are pregnant, your hormones are raging, and nature makes you overreact to simple things. His lying upset you. That's okay, but it's not the end of the world.

Sounds like you've got a good guy. Not perfect, but none of us are.

[Finchie40]

Lying in general is a red flag and something you should really reconsider when it comes to being ina relationship with someone , If he can lie about things like that , just imagine what else he might be lying about

[Avicenna]

It’s not enough to blow up the relationship

[RingOfFire]

"I feel like if you lie about something stupid like this you might as well lie about important things.'

I think this is where you may be going a little wrong. I think the lunch thing falls into the category of what is referred to as a "white lie." It's not such a serious thing. It's probably more like he was afraid to tell you then that he was trying to deceive you. He just had a strong urge for that meal and thought it would be better for you both if he didn't tell you.

I don't think that just because someone tells white lies that they necessarily tell lies about important things. I think everyone tells White lies sometimes whether it's just to avoid getting in an argument or because they think it might hurt the person if they knew the truth or they just feel that it's not very important and would prefer just to forget about it.

It's part of normal human behavior. That doesn't mean that someone who tells White lies might not also be a liar about more significant things. But the fact that someone does that is normal and does not necessarily mean they are serial liars.

[Purpleronnie]

I think you have been especially sensitive or triggered because of your past , that’s really common and logical. And although I can sort of see you logic about lying over the small things it doesn’t really follow. Folk tell “white” lies and half truths all the time , as they consider them fairly innocent.. doesn’t follow that they will lie about the really important stuff unless they are just pathalogic and I’m sure you’d know already if that was the case.


I still see his actions as pretty poor though , he made an agreement with you and he broke it easily , and that to me shows a little weakness of character.


Remind him that you love him and want the best for you both but you NEED him to do better because you know he can !

[godfatherfan]

You are making too big a deal out of it. Unless you truly cannot afford a takeout once in a while, you are also holding on too tight. I have found you have to treat yourself occasionally. You have to be able to get that craving, or they become bigger issues.
With as hard as any relationship can be, this is really such a small thing. Do you really want to die on this hill? Let it go. Treat yourself next time.

[slatyb]

No, I don't. This is a serious betrayal and it will make it hard for you to trust him in the future. If possible, no matter how little, I think it would be better if each of you had some kind of your own so you didn't have to ask permission for the slightest expenditures.

[Abbycado]

It doesn't matter how small the lie. It is still a lie. There are inconsistencies in your post. First it is anniversary, then birthday. It was a he and then a she...

[Asker]

English is not my language, sorry, wedding anniversary, and it's him

[gigaguy]

I don't think you're petty. Lying is no good at all. It breaks the trust. Maybe you can help him understand the wrong of lying and its harmfulness even if it's a small thing.

[HighValue]

Lying is very bad in a relationship, but so is getting upset at a partner too often so they feel like they can't do anything without an argument.

[Makeushiver]

I think you need to give him a modicum of trust or split

[D_Bone_Steak]

People have a lot of reasons to lie.

[Anonymous]

This time it was lunch, next it'll be an affair

[Radiate143]

Oh my God.

[CarolinaGirl5]

Okay?