Why touching like that?

[Noredcarpet]

My partner has when we are out in public chosen to put his hand at my neck, upper part of the back, touching. To me it is a touch that I am not all sure is suitable considering our surrounding? I don't know if it is me, or if this is his way of showing others (who they now may be, if even existing) she is mine, or what ever? Maybe I read too much into it? (He is working on his jealousy and I am trying to be supportive but it is at a point where I don't know what is normal or not, as far as this goes, as he has said he has always struggled with jealousy. I am only I believe a random looking woman. Never flirted or cheated, it is not something I have done wrong to cause it. Not in his opinion as well. ) What does this gesture mean?

Updates

9 mo

The reason I have not asked him what it means to him is because we come from different backgrounds and it can be tricky that way, I do not want it to be critique or him getting hurt over it. It could simple mean something good of course through and through and having nothing to do with jealousy. I have noticed some people reacting to it and not in a good way, more likely used to physical tenderness being shown other ways.

[Finchie40]

It means he is possessive of you , which unfortunately isn’t a good thing whatsoever, his jealousy and insecurities is going to eventually push you away from him and make you hate his guts because he is acting like he owns you, and that you are his and no one else can have you. It’s ok for a partner to be a little jealous or insecure at times especially when they see the opposite sex flirting with their partner and getting a little to close for comfort , but if a partner gets overly jealous that you are just talking to the opposite sex , that means your partner doesn’t trust you whatsoever and without trust in a relationship, you really have nothing but a partner that wants to control you like you are their puppet. , The only time this type of behavior is ok, is in the bedroom , but outside the bedroom , you should be able to do what you want , always remember , whatever you do or think is ok , it needs to be ok for Your partner to do as well , if not , then that turns into a double standard and double standards destroy relationships all the time. Why it’s important for you and your partner to set boundaries together and follow those boundaries together , not the other way around. If you both set boundaries together already and he is still getting jealous and possessive of you , then you should really reconsider that relationship all together

[Noredcarpet]

I couldn't agree with you more. Today he is getting help. One of the things he did on his own was to confess what he has done to "keep an eye on me". I felt stupid because I didn't know. Just how I felt stupid when coming out of the relationship with the ex when people finally dared to tell me how he had acted towards other guys he thought were into me. He never told me. I wish they would have said something, but I am guessing they were too afraid of him or did not think it was their business. I felt so bad about that. I still do, I can't help it. Imagine yourself saying hi to someone somewhere at a gathering and you talk only for a few minutes and your partner make sure to take out his "revenge" on that someone, (who only, in my case, happened to be a guy), without you knowing. He kept these things from me. It was only later I knew he had built a system al around me from when I was young and not experienced, to let potential others know I was already his. I was going to be his one day. I was really in a bubble, his bubble, only I didn't know it. The position he was in somehow made other people in it behave, for most part, the way he wanted. Lets just say it took me a long time before I dared to to date again as I was afraid if the ex would do something to the guy, no matter how low key I would do this thing. My current would say the same as the ex that he fell hard, fast when we first met to the point that he would take to drastic measures to get me, start out lives together. Finding out about that later on too made me go oh. I had been surrounded by this weird silence from other people all this time, but never something I could know for real, kept from me. I will talk to him and tell him I find the gesture too intimate. Last night he had his hand gently on my arm, back, or resting on the back of my chair, that felt nice. Thank you so much :)

[Finchie40]

It sounds like you picked yourself the wrong guys’ and I’m sorry to say they are creepy guys’ that think they own you , be careful girl that’s creepy shit. I dated a few creepy girls’ as well , that got overly jealous and insecure if I just talked to another girl in a polite way , or if a had a girl friend that I am just friends’ with , to find out the truth that they confronted my girl friends’ and told them to back off for no reason at all. To find out she was possessive of me I lost some of my girl friends’ over it because they didn’t want to stir the pot basically even though we were just friends’ my girlfriend threatened them behind my back. When I found out the truth , I dumped her and told her she needs serious help

[Noredcarpet]

I'm sorry all that happened to you. Then my God, you know how it feels when they went behind your back like that. I trust my gut so when I have catched those vibes with women who are into my man it has not botheted me if my man recognized it himself and set boundaries. I think much is down to energy, you can and should be able to be friends with both guys and girls without it being neccery a romantic connection to it. Thank you, yes, I am being careful, things are moving in the right direction so hoping for the best. I used to reflect if it was me making my ex and current insecure, but now I know for certain that it actually wasn't me, particurly with the ex. My current has had full knowledge of everything going on in my life, parts behind my back that I did not know or take interest in if he knew or not, did not think he cared, so even the socalled secret parts he knew and when he confessed what he was up to it was that he had done this in secret that felt invasive broken trust. I thought too if he had all that insight, all that control, always looking for proof, never finding it, should that not make him trust me, but I am learning now the depth of the problem. It is sad this should get in the way, but I am hopeful now for the future.

[Finchie40]

Unfortunately that doesn’t make everything ok , especially now that he confessed to you why he did it and now that you know what he was doing , is unfortunately going to make him even more insecure that you know his secrets , which he is going to assume you are going to cover your tracks even more , even though you aren’t doing anything bad , he is still going to assume you are , so I hate to break it to you but he is still not going to trust you , things might seem good now but in time he will go back to his old ways and assume you are up to no good , and when a partner constantly assumes you are up to no good , that usually means they are the ones up to no good , and will cheat on you before you cheat on them , to basically beat you to it , I have witnessed and experienced this type of behavior with insecure jealous people to the point you are better off just walking away from them and ending it because they will never trust you , they will manipulate and control you as much as possible so they can be up to no good behind your back. And if you do end up staying with him and you bust him cheating on you , his excuse will be he did it because he assumed you were cheating on him. Extreme insecurity and jealousy is a mental illness that he needs professional therapy for. Someone that truly loves you will
Feel safe and secure with you not the other way around especially if the both of you are following the same boundaries that you both set together and agreed upon , a bad partner is your boyfriend period

[Noredcarpet]

I can't argue with that, you are so right, thank for looking out for me. He confessed to what he had done like following me, finding out this way I was not doing something bad, when he has felt the guilt coming to get him once he get out of that jealous state. I used to think jealousy would not happen to me again the way it was with the ex. I used to think what are the odds? I don't want to brag or anything, but I"m not known to be some troublemaker or someone who thrives on drama display the way I've learned the hard way some actually get their satisfaction from. In other ways in my life I make pretty good decisions without hurting someone else or hurting me after sometimes given it time to think about. Not to make it all good or bad but to generalize my ex picked me when he was a good guy, doing good, feeling good. He treated other good people in his life good. Only he changed and I thought it had to do with stress in life in general. He began to be drawn to now bad people but still we good people, if I could now belong in that group, was good to some extent to still have around, but he treated us like shit, pardon me, but still expected us to be there for him. He was so full of himself. it can be about them, when they are bad, finding that affinity, connection with others like them?

I am not trying to sell myself of as a Saint but it does seem to me like my ex and current were used to a different type of women that in some ways reminded them of themselves but them not wanting that, no games, but as if there has been this collision within themselves when trying to be without it. I think I grew on them and it was not planned, I was around. I did not think they would get so serious. they got the jealousy in common, not how they express it. My current is doing professional therapy. He has to succeid with it or I think you are right. He will get worse with it. You are right about these two, they were not like me how I was when I was single.

[Anonymous]

I guess he just likes that kind of gesture.

[Noredcarpet]

Yes could very well be, he is charmig with a sort of boyish roughie sort of way and could be he has been around this before and there for do not see it the way I do about the neck part that I feel is too intimate somehow

[Opinion Owner]

Indeed, it is a bit too intimate.

[Opinion Owner]

Thanks for the MHO

[NoDecision]

What do you want him to do, put his hand down your shirt or grabbing your butt?

[AI Opinion]

Ah, the mysterious neck and back touch! It's intriguing how these gestures can mean different things. Sometimes, it's simply a sweet way of staying connected, like a little "I'm here" reminder. Other times, it might signal a touch of possessiveness, but let's not jump to conclusions just yet! Considering he's working on his jealousy, it's awesome that you're supportive. 🤗 Communication is key—neither of you is a mind reader, after all, so have a chat about it to see where it's coming from and maybe set some comfy boundaries. After all, love blooms with understanding, not guessing games! 🌷

[Anonymous]

Possessiveness. You better leave and get out of there before it turns physically violent

[Noredcarpet]

I can relate to your concern and appreciate it. I have been in a previous relationship, red flags, but a guess is he was bipolar which can explain as he worsen why his jealousy was not reality based in any way. I have only as of now been updated that this kind of jealousy can strike with the illness going untreated. I do not have an actual fact of knowing he was so I feel stupid that way to cast diagnosis his way which I get can be common thing some do about their exes, lol. When that was on the attitude was run, little girl, run and I did. Today given my current behaves in a different fashion it is more that he wants to beat this thing and so we follow this program. I was not ready for my own strong reaction to it all, it was as if my ex was back. The good thing I suppose is that I am digesting my past different now. I am suspiscious at times when I can not tell if my currents ways is normal or brought on by possesiveness. I do not want him to stagnate or go back. If he was to ever lay a hand on me we're so done. He isn't.

[Opinion Owner]

You trying to change him is not your responsibility it's his. Look i gave you advice take what you will with it. If you use it great if not then so be it either way it has no effect on me

[Noredcarpet]

Yes, true, why too we are doing a therapy program. Me waiting for him to get to the next step, it takes time and effort. He is doing most of the inside job, I sort of follow. Of course no matter what it will have no effect on you, I didn't think so either :)