Search Results: watching people have sex

I am 19. I have always lived a very healthy lifestyle. I am a vegetarian, I work out, drink a lot of water. I am usually very happy and chill. I am a very analytical and abstract type. I am an artist. I write, sing, play instruments, I like to dance, go out with my friends, have fun, I love animals, have a pet cat, I like psychology, philosophy, I love sex and I live in the moment and am a hedonist, mostly spiritually.

That's the kind of person I am. I am like that even though I have gone threw physical, emotional, verbal, mental and sexual abuse in my life and all comming from my "family" members. I was doing well for 5 years, especially last year. Every positive changes that I have made are thanks to me: I am my own psychotherapist.

But lately I started obsessing over some things that are not even up to me, but affect me, I'm not gonna go into detail. I am not used to not being in charge. I am very independent and the fact that I cannot help here makes me anxious to the point that I have classical panic attacks. And the topic is something I have always been aware of, yet I never worried about it, because I was too bussy with literaly saving my life at the time. I can't even sleep, I lost interest in the things I usually love to do and bring me joy. I lost weight. It's been like that for a few weeks.

My friends are worried, because they think I am the epitome of strength and that's what I thought, too... I don't wanna let them down. Should I just give myself a break and allow myself to feel vulnerable for once, or is this something serious? I don't wanna go to a psychologist or a psychiatrist.

I see people smoking and it makes me feel relieved just watching them. I have NEVER even held a cigarette, I have a very strong will to resist trying them, but I am afraid I might get addicted and then I DEFINITELY couldn't help myself. I don't wanna be a prisoner of my temptations, I value my independence more than anything...

Should I smoke or not?