Search Results: giving up on a loved one

I was getting very close to this girl at college. Ashley was close to in love with me. I felt the same way but we never fully told our feelings. I didn't want to date her at the time because I was focused on school. Though, the bigger issue was that I get social anxiety and was afraid to fall in love with someone. This caused me to be stand offish and take one step forward and two steps back in the relationship. Ashley still waited for me for about 3 years. We both thought that we would end up dating each other. I was ashamed to tell her about my anxiety tough.

Fast forward and we are nearing the end of school and I know that a decision is going to have to be made. The thing is that during this time college became a very stressful and hostile place as well, due to some terrible classmates. One day I got into a argument with an individual and I was slightly on edge. Right after this incident, Ashley decided to put her self out there and made a move to discuss our future. She did so in the court yard and there were 5 to 7 people eavesdropping on our convo. First the argument just happened and now I felt uncomfortable in this situation. I wasn't thinking clearly.

Anxiety stresses you out quicker and I wanted to leave and just clear my head. I ended up giving a response that made it look like I was completely brushing her off, in front of some class mates too. To be honest, it didn't seem like I did wrong at the time. We both saw things completely different. She wouldn't talk to me at all now, right through to the end of college. In fact, we haven't talked in 5 years. As time went on and i started to analyze the situation I have realized how terrible it looked. I have tried to apologize 2 times but she won't listen. I have moved on, but the "what If" thoughts still come to my mind. I know it seems cringeworthy to keep trying to talk years later. Maybe with the situation in context it wouldn't be though. What do you think?