Okay so I just read a question and was typing a reply, and it was getting longer and longer, and then I thought you know, this is really more of a myTake situation. Character limits be damned! Ha ha. Which is ironic, because what I'm going to talk about is how to speak male, which is, in essence, how not to talk too much... ladies. I'm lookin' at you. And yes, I'm luring you in with the absolutely delicious professional model Christopher Mason. I'm giving you dessert before dinner.
So. You're frustrated. Your man/men don't seem to be listening. (Not on GAG, but irl.) You feel ignored, like he doesn't care. Maybe so. But maybe, there a whole host of other reasons why he's not hearing you - and I mean not hearing, not not listening.
First of all, ladies, my sympathies. I suffer this ailment in my home too. Yes, it is infuriating. It makes you go absolutely bonkers sometimes. Like sometimes you roll your eyes, and you think it's barely noticeable, but yes he sees it, and no he doesn't like it. But you think you're being very self-controlled, cause what you really feel like doing is blowing the roof off the damn place (ala Pacino: "I'll take a flamethrower to this place!") It's common. Very common. Like, a classic oldie that will never not be around and in the playlist rotation.
However, the reason/cause, and answer/solution, is not really as simple as it may initially appear. It isn't just just one thing going on. We both need to adapt here, to make an effort, but I'm going to be honest, most of the adaptation is going to fall on you. Don't be stubborn about this. This is biology. You can't fight brain physiology.
So Here Are the Reasons It's Happening (1, or all, or any combination of these):
1. You're talking too much. Too often throughout the day. The individual sessions are too long. You're not pausing. You're using too many words, when fewer would suffice. He's overwhelmed. Too many superfluous, extraneous details. Too much minutia. He can't take it all in. You're wearing him out with words. This is actually your issue, not his. And all of us pinks do it. Males use 7,000 wpd on average. We use 20,000. See that math? Judging by my writing, I'm probably way over the 20,000 myself. Or rather, I used to be. Now I put those words into my writing, and I'm pretty quiet verbally. But let's stick to the point here.
2. Think and talk more like a man. Abbreviate everything. Think bullet points. Think topic sentences. Think headers. Think the punchline at the beginning, and then you can work backwards. You can bold/emphasize some words, and italicize others. It makes it less monotone. Help him out with key points. Don't make him guess. Also, if you must, treat it like a waltz - slow, quick quick, slow, quick quick. Not all one monotone, or snail's pace, or lightning fast speed. Put some negative space in between paragraphs. Pause and take a breath. Wait for some confirmations here and there, but don't demand them.
3. He's doing something else. You think he's not, but he is. Does he have anything at all in his hand? It's 'doing' something. Watching TV? Even just sports? His mind is otherwise engaged. Good luck. Most can't absorb more than one verbal input at a time. You might have two HDMI ports on your TV or game system, but he doesn't. He's got one. Eating and listening, they can manage no problem. Anything else, not so much. Think of him as Terminator with the red eyes. Where's he looking? That's his focus. Yes, of course he can listen and not look at you. He can stare out the window or ahead, but if he's looking at anything else (his phone, the computer, a book... anything), that is his focus. And you are interrupting him. Doesn't matter whether you deem his activity important or not. He was doing it. Yesss, if he "really loved" you, he would stop and redirect his focus towards you. But what are you actually saying? Are you being reasonable, is it informational, or is it honestly not very important?
4. He's legit busy. And this time, it's important. If he's really doing something important, like he's working (on location, or at home remotely), or his mother is on the phone talking his ear off, whatever... don't even try to talk to him. Wait. Ask him to get back to you when he has a minute/or a few/or an hour/or the whole evening to spend with you uninterrupted. And allow him to do so. Don't ping him again, asking if he's available yet. Initially this might feel very frustrating, but you set this up properly, and you've given him space and he respects you for that and will, in the end, potentially be actually more communicative, not less. And if he's out with his friends, also, give him some space. He needs that, he deserves that. And remember that just because we have phones doesn't mean we should be tethered to them at all times. Think The Matrix - 'There is no spoon.'
5. You're telling him about a subject he has zero interest in. Just because he asked you, "How was your day?", do not tell him about your day for 30 min, or a fight you had with a coworker, or a phonecall with your friend, or what you saw as a new outfit or hairstyle you saw on Instagram that you might want to try. None of those types of things will hold a guy's attention for more than a few min. You're asking too much. If you give him visuals to look at, he'll appreciate that more. But remember - humans can remember up to 7 numbers at a time, and 3 choices of anything is optimum. Anything beyond that, we go into information overload. But visuals, he likes those. If you can say it with a picture instead, do that.
6. You're tone and timbre is throwing him off. This one is controversial. And I am reluctant to say it. But he thinks you're "too emotional." He prides himself on his great logic capabilities. He thinks his way is better, yours is inferior, and he's probably never going to concede on this. You've got yourself a Thinker and you're a Feeler. In theory, both of you can complement one another and you can be compassionate and he can reason and rationalize his way through your life's problems... together. But in this moment, when there's nothing really big at stake, he doesn't like how worked up you are, your tone of voice, your focus on feelings, you're gesturing with your hands too much... whatever. So all I can say about this is, try and tone it down. Lower your register, chop off the highs and the lows from the frequency, remain physically calm, and pretend he's an animal in the forest. Don't spook him. He's very sensitive to the dreaded "emotions", so try and not let him fall back on this as a cop-out for why he's not listening.
7. He's in a bad mood or his brain is tired at this moment. Cut him some slack. Put a pin in what you want to say, and try again later.
8. He's a grump who's tuning [you] out. He gets in this 'mood' often. This could be a general personality trait. Have a chat with him about this, ask him what's up. Final outcome: TBD.
9. Your worst fear - He doesn't like/love you all that much, and since he has the ability to tune you out, he does. Men can more easily compartmentalize, and he's utilizing that. Uh oh. Might want to fire up the dating apps and keep an eye out. This one's not fixable.
10. He's happy with silence. He'd like more of it. He loves you. He enjoys hanging out with you in the same room. But he really likes not talking with you. It's not awkward silence to him. It's peaceful. Very, very peaceful.
Sorry, I can't tell you which one of these it is, and like a Magic 8 Ball, it could be any number of them, at any time. But mostly, it's a good bet, that he does not want you to be mad at him for not hearing him. He doesn't want to fight. He wants to hear you. He just doesn't always want to listen to you. It's not all his fault. You're not speaking his language. You need to speak blue. At least a little. Meet him halfway. He'd really appreciate it. And when he is listening, he will give you his full attention and you can feel good knowing that yes, he does really care about you.
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