Search Results: crush found out

30f and I really can’t tell if I’m inevitably single because I don’t want a relationship or it’s a case of self sabotage. Within the past few years, the only attention I’ve gotten from attractive guys were on dating apps. But that should be taken with a grain of salt, I feel like compared to the average woman, I don’t get attention from quality guys in person. I’m pretty shy and tend to speak when spoken to, on top of bad anxiety, I’ll say I question if women can relate to my lack of sex drive. I haven’t had sex since my early twenties/don’t masturbate and couldn’t care less if I died a virgin, will feel some kind of way if I’ve never found love though.

It’s as if I want the reassurance I’m desirable (from what seems like decent men) vs actually going out on dates, I’m insecure but wouldn’t just go for anyone that gives me the time of day. I just don’t get why it can’t ever go my way w/ the OLD apps, it’s likely bad luck but a pattern of: ghosting, fizzling out, the convo not flowing to my expectations & I dip out, just lack of interest (can go both ways) etc. I’m attracted to men, I really don’t think id date a woman but something about men at the same time turns me off (physically & personality wise). Like almost every woman I've known has been boy crazy since they were pre-teens and I never got it, I thought they were exaggerating or I was a late bloomer. Well here I am 2 decades later, my closest thing to boy crazy were celebrity crushes.

Am I looking for excuses to justify being single? Is it simply a case of being unlucky? Is there more to unpack here? Or is the right guy all it takes for it to fall into place?

My first REAL crush in my teens was a guy a little older than me. He was confident funny, not the best looking but I liked him loads. He liked me too and I had my first sexual experience with him. There was chemistry there. Due to the age differences my parents got someone to warn him to keep away from me, I only found this out a few years ago! He was only 3 years older but he was from a bit of a rough part of town.. he was a decent guy from what I knew about him. At the time he just stopped taking an interest and I was literally heart broken. I didn’t even know why.

Today I randomly sent him a song that reminded me of him and we talked briefly. we maybe speak once a year if that. But this time he told me that he had actually really liked me all those years ago and when he discovered I’d met someone else he was jealous. He said he found it hard to be around me knowing he couldn’t do anything. I just thought he’d gone off me! He’s married with 2 kids now but I’m just shocked he’s told me this now.. out of the blue. What does it mean? He seems really sincere. I do still think about him at times.