Help..What do I do? My boyfriend told me he masterbated to other girls.

[healingheart]

So iv been with my guy for about 2 years now. But it was 4 months ago that he told me that he was thinking of other woman while he was masturbating.I was hysterical and super upset when he told me this. Plus these are even people I know. It really hurt , but I'm sure it would hurt anyone after being with him for 2 yrs. so its been 4 months after I found out now . and we were off and on , but I don't really think it was permanent. I know if I didn't love him as much as I do id be gone. He tells me how wrong he knows it was and that he would never mess up like that again. He is also telling me how much he loves me , its obvious he wanted his cake an to eat it too. So my problem is getting through knowing what he did and now my insecurity.?

[WaitingAtTheDoor]

I know that this seems like something to be upset about. For you, it is seen as a precursor to him cheating on you.

However, for guys this is very normal. Very, very normal. He doesn't love you any less, he doesn't think the grass is greener, and he doesn't wish you were someone else. Gratification is similar to sex, but it's not sex. That's important part to remember. As men, we can always see a woman who is physically appealing. Maybe it's how she fits into her clothes, maybe it's her understated make up, maybe it's her build. Either way, this is all visual stuff that we find appealing, on many girls.

But, while we see many girls as physically appealing, most of us only find one who is attractive to us. That being that she is physically and mentally appealing. She's able to think and she clicks with us in thought. That is what's important in the end. So, let your guy play out his fantasies, and realize that no one else knows him like you do. Clearly he wants to tell you everything about him, which should be a major clue that this guy really only has eyes for you.

[Stanley]

It may seem like a big deal to you, but I think it's good that you've posted this as a question because the truth is it's not a big deal at all. We guys have lots of fantasies - if we see an attractive girl there's at least a flicker of the thought. The reality that he told you that suggests to me that you're more important to him than you think.

I I think you took it way too seriously and you should let it go. He didn't do anything wrong. I promise you that you will not find, meet, or date a guy who only thinks of his girlfriend in his fantasies. Even Gatsby would have, sooner or later, had a thought about Ms. Baker.

It sounds to me like your guy has been keeping to the straight and narrow and that you should be happy to have him, rather than conducting a witchhunt into random horny thoughts.

That said, good question. This is one of those issues where men and women see the world differently and you're worrying about something that you don't need to.

[Tiffany-in-okc]

I completely agree with you, but would a guys be hurt if there girlfriend told them she think of his friends when she masturbates?

[Stanley]

Probably. There are two differences here - one mythical and the other real. The first is the perception that girls don't do that. Some do, some don't, but for the most part it's something that's done less often. So if a girl tells her guy that, he's wondering what motivated her. For a guy he can be horny and then think of a girl, any girl, whereas the perception would be thinking of the other guy made her horny. This may be myth, but it's a difference in perception.

[Stanley]

Second is that it's more problematic when a girl informs her guy of such a fantasy because it is typically easier for her to make it happen. The notion is that most guys would go to bed with any of the decent girls they know. So if she tells you she's attracted to him then there is a very real chance of that happening someday if she chooses or feels that same desire. For most guys the equation doesn't work as well in reverse, with us getting to say "ok" and getting lucky.

[Anonymous]

To be honest. As a girl, I do this all the time. It's just to 'get off'. I have no romantic feedings towards the guy I fantasize about, nor would I leave or cheat on my boyfriend if the fantasy was a reality. It's literally just a scene that makes me horny, and after I've gotten off the person I fantasized about is completely forgotten. I understand you're upset, and I would be too if my boyfriend told me he masturbates over other girls, although I know he does. It's just hearing it from him that would make me upset. I don't really see why he told you though, it seems like something that isn't that important, and would only cause pain to bring up. I'm sure he doesn't want to sleep with other girls, or cheat at all, he isn't wishing you were someone else.. it's just when you're horny you think of something that gets you off fast and sometimes that's something fully erotic based instead of mixed with love.

[the-love-guru]

It sounds like he feels guilty. Since guys are visual, it's nearly impossible for them to achieve orgasm without fantasy. While it is hurtful to hear that your boyfriend was using familiar individuals to "aide" him, that doesn't mean he cares less about you. Whether or not people will admit to it, sometimes "private time" requires less realistic scenarios than in a 2-person sack session.

However, I'd suggest telling him to fantasize about a famous model or star instead of people you both know. from a psychology standpoint, fantasizing about someone you will never meet (let alone have the opportunity to be intimate with) is less harmful to the relationship than someone you both know.

Also, if you're not ok with him thinking about any other person, try taking some pics of yourself wearing something semi-scandalous. that way he can think about you AND get the alone time he needs.

[gravygirl]

What he does is totally normal. I don't think either of you should worry about it. It's natural to think about different scenarios and people when you masturbate. Hell, I even ask my boyfriend about it sometimes if we're around a woman who I know is his type. "So, have you jerked off to her?" Sometimes he just says no, but sometimes he gets this slightly embarrassed look and after a while admits that he has. It's fine. I know that he's faithful, and I know that he loves me. I also know that he's a guy and guys do things like that

[briekittie]

well at least he was honest with you and told you you should be glade that he would even do that that shows a lot that he love you enough to tell you when he has done wrong I think its natural for a guy to do this and you shouldn't take it so personal get over it move on and fix your relationship its better to forgive and its not like he had sex with anyone else then I would dumb him.

[Funkster]

Let's spin this the other way around. you're saying in the past 2 years that you've been with him you never had some sort of fantasy about another guy? Anyone, someone you knew personally, a celebrity, (Brad Pitt or Johnny Depp maybe?) What he did was place his trust in you be able to tell you some of his little fantasies. That doesn't mean that he is about to go out and have sex with these other girls, it just means he finds them attractive.

[Hercules]

Researchers have done statistics and found that this is extremely common. Masturbation, sex, etc. Guys and girls across the board. Sexual pleasure has nothing to do with love, and I honestly don't think it's possible for a guy to masturbate on his own and think of only ONE girl. Masturbation time is fantasy time in a way. What counts is whether or not he still stays with you.

[Moonba1]

Do whatever you think you should do. If he mention it again,just lie and say when you masterbated you think of other boys too,n if he think you are lieing,just come up with an excuse. I can't really think of nothing at the moment,so yea,m advice right now is lame. Sorry :(