Why do people play mind games instead of act how they feel?

[Aphropuff]

Why can't people just say what they feel? For me, it's fun to be playful and flirty but playing games is just immature.

Give me your opinion on this stuff!:)

For instance I texted the guy I like "are you back in town? should I be welcoming you?!:)" and my friends said it was over the top and desperate! But he's our friend plus he said he made me something for my birthday, so why can't I show him that I'm happy he's returning?

[JohnScofield]

Flirting and having fun is one thing, games are another.

The PRIMARY reason people play games is immaturity. They are afraid of getting hurt, they don't want to be seen as vulnerable, and they can't handle the truth very well. They are just immature. Sadly most don't grow out of that.

If you have a little confidence and maturity you should be able to tell people what you think and why. Now you also need to be smart about it. If you are totally crushing on a guy and you say "I WANT TO HAVE YOUR BABIES!" that will probably scare any sane guy away. However to say "hey I would like to have coffee sometime" would be just fine. If he rejects, he rejects, move on. If he accepts, who knows what could happen. (Using the above as an example.)

the worst games to me however are the breakup games. Instead of being truthful people say stupid things like "Ummm this is about me not you." Or "we can be friends." or whatever. The intent is not to hurt someone, but the result is usually to hurt them worse.

I could go on, but I will spare you!

[Aphropuff]

Oh my goodness I forgot about the break-up games those are definitely the worst! I'm not saying I've treated people in the most excellent manner but at least I've tried to be honest. It's better to say that you're tired of being with someone or that you want to be with someone else or whatever rather than say stuff like "we need a break" or "let's be friends" I agree with the good points you made!)

[nhardin289]

I've had that. "I'm just not ready to commit. I like you and enjoy your company. I'm just not ready" after a few months of being solid. BUT then he tells me he misses me and calls me babe and sweetheart and tells me goodnight while he was away during the holidays, when I decided OK, time to move on. what is it with guys and not letting go? when they were the ones who wanted it in the first place?!

[JohnScofield]

When that happens, you have become their "girl on a string" meaning that they don't have anyone else so they attempt to fall back on you. That is when you say "no thank you. I have moved on."

[Aphropuff]

ouch, that sucks big time. take his advice and say "no" even if it is hard. anyway we can't blame guys for such stuff because

a.we girls do it too of course and b.it's mostly our fault for putting up with a bad situation. it's happened to me, too, I have pretended to be OK with casual when I wasn't because I didn't want to lose him. be honest at all times--above all, with yourself:) sounded cheesy but it's true ha ha :D

[madhatters4]

I think you are a good communicator. Games allow people to protect themselves and avoid insecurity issues. They want you to play games because they think that you can protect yourself and gain a upper hand in the relationship by being aloof, distant, etc.

For some people relationships or establishing relationships is about establishing a position of power that makes them feel like they are controlling the situation. It is immature and insensitive to approach relationships this way. Honest, intimate, foward communication will always reap the greatest relationships.

I don't think there is anything wrong with your approach and it is admirable that despite having some negative influences you choose the mature path.

[Aphropuff]

"Honest intimate forward communication" sounds wonderful to me! Finally people who believe that stuff like that is the glue that keeps two people together! Very reassuring advice, thanks for your thorough answer:)

[nhardin289]

I think you are looking too much into it. women do tend to over analyze, its in our dna, we can't help it. just go with the flow. I have friends that tell me I act desperate too. But if the guy felt that way too, he'd back off. This guy I dated and we broke up and I"m trying to reconnect with, I still talk to. we exchance flirty texting and just have conversation. I asked him when we were going to meet up because he came back from out of town from the holidays. He asked me when I was free. its simple. if he did feel like I was desperate, he would have either not responded or told me he wasn't sure and just play it by ear. but he didn't. he asked me what my schedule was like. so just go with the flow. IF a guy likes you, he'll go out of his way to contact you and hang out with you. IF a guy acts like he doesn't give a sh*t, he geniuely doesn't give a sh*t. Also, they like the chase. just be casual.

[Aphropuff]

I don't think I can ever remind myself enough NOT to over think stuff! It's just that friends affect us I guess. Maybe I should talk less about stuff and just do whatever I feel like with him or any "him!" Plus being sinle for a long time can make me over think stuff...Your story helped and I liked this advice thank ya!

[nhardin289]

right? You should watch a movie called "he just isn't that into you" and read "act like a lady and think like a man" these both has helped me cope and learn more about the opposite gender. :) take it one day at a time girl.

[Aphropuff]

thanks! I've seen that movi actually hahaha it makes you feel embarassed for her sake and forces you to evaluate how you act. I'm not into chick flicks but that one got me ha ha One day at a time then, yes!

[dartmai]

People who play mind games are usually people who are insecure and need to be reassure they're the most wonderful thing God created . They seek for some kinda empowerment of the person that likes them to boost their ego and so that they can feel good about themselves. Mind game could only stop if one opens up and lose pride, and confess how they feel for the other person. From that point on this person may stop playing mind games and tell you he really did like you or apologize and tell you he was sorry to make you think eh was showing signs he/she likes you. To be sincere and blunt is the way to go. You can never go wrong with that and you'lld efi know whether you are wasting your time or not. But even I'm having trouble to approach the guy I like and tell him I like him, ahaha.

[Aphropuff]

Exactly, and I mean even if mindgames were legit and whatnot I respect my brain more than that, why mess up yourselfto win someone over? And what kind of relationship would that even be? Wanting power in a relationship is lame. Honesty is the best foundation

[Anonymous]

immaturity, insecurity, fear of losing independence being single, ego boost, and wanting to feel in control due to lack of self confidence. its sad really because some people can get so lost in games that they lose the one person that couldve been the one for them. I liked this one guy with all my heart and he kept twirling the string for years and I finally cut the cord and walked away. he was never gonna give me a chance, be a real man and take me out on a nice dinner, and now he lost me. hope he's having fun talking to 4995858 different girls. and goes home feeling lonely at night.

[Aphropuff]

Tell me about it. He may get temporary relief and an ego boost but reality hits when you go home and realize you have tons of "admirers" but are in fact alone. Good job walking away, it's so hard to so it but it's the best thing you can do for yourself!

[animalwithin]

I'm going through something similar with a girl haha. I'm very open and direct, not desperate mind you. Something like what you texted is what I would say. Why can't people express how thy really feel? In short, they're afraid of bein hurt. Expressing how you really feels takes vulnerability which exposes you to the potential of experiencing pain and hurt, kind of like what me and you are feeling right now. It's a sh*tty feeling that most don't want to feel and after experiencing it many times we become defensive and don't want to express how we really feel. Instead we hide our feelings behind games to conceal our true emotions. Couple this with the courting ritual of not wanting to come off as desperate and needy, you get how most people communicate. There is nothing wrong with what you texted your guy, if he takes that as desperate, then you deserve a better guy.

[Aphropuff]

Well at least by being honest we also show that we do in fact respect ourselves. If you get wrapped up in mind games you mess up your own head too! The thing with me is that I'm straightforward but it gets guys intimidated sometimes. Which in my head translates as "i shouldn back away and not be with her because she doesn't want to just fool around so I'm out." This is just my wild assumption ofcourse! So what's happening with this girl then?

[animalwithin]

You're absolutely right, you girls have it difficult in that sense because most guys are complete douche bags who only want one thing from you. But don't think us good guys have it easy, the quality of women has decline massively and it's sad and frustrating. Take what's happening to me; went on a date with his girl and she showed so many signs of great interest, she addmitted she was nervous throughout the date for example. I sent her a text late the next day saying I had a great time getting to

[animalwithin]

know her. She rested back over 24 hrs later without so much a sorry for the late reply, but she said she had a great time, thanks so much, etc. I replied the next day and yesterday we spent the day talking. I last texted her 24 hrs ago and she hasn't replied, but she has the time to update her fb on her phone. I'm starting to think she lost interest for some unknown reason but these testing games with replying quickly then many many hours later are pissing me off. So I'm f***in pissed getting my

[animalwithin]

hopes up for girls over and over and getting disappointed because they're all wrapped up in games. If she lost interest, tell me you want to be friends and give me an explanation as to why Nd get the sh*t over with, some people hVe no class or guts don't f***in string me along going trough non texting and texting phases. And it's not like I'm replying back to her in the minute, sometimes it takes me a while, but I keep it reasonable unless I'm really busy for several hours. So that's my rant :)

[Aphropuff]

Jeeeee that sucks big time:( I have been through that too and it pisses me of so much. DUH there are other people out there for us but dammit you don't wanna lose this one person so you put up with crap. I don't get what's wrong with people: life is too short for games and they only single us out, why not pair up and enjoy everything?! Why be so selfish and string people along especially when you see that they care? I gotta hand it to u, girls do it a lot. Guys (usually!) say straight out what they want.

[animalwithin]

Apologies for all the spellin mistakes, my iPod isn't great as auto-correcting typos haha. I'm pretty much done with the girl, I've lost interest. I was going to call her out on it if she did text me but it's been nearly two days, I'm done. Part of me wants to tell her she owes me an explanation as to what happened because I know 200% that she was really really into me and it's been only 4 days since the last time we saw each other. I'm not hurt or depressed or anything, just disappointed you

[animalwithin]

know. But as you said, there are much better people out there for us, all we can do is brush it off and live our lives genuinely, without any games and playing with peoples emotions.

[Aphropuff]

That's the unfair, awkward part, where you want to ask for an explanation. It is disappointing but remember that going through stuff like that made us start appreciating honesty. I think you should keep that positive attitude and enjoy what you do:)

[animalwithin]

Thanks Aphro! Its definitely experiences like this that make us value and appreaciate honesty and authenticity. I will keep my positive attitude, just make sure you don't change, we need honest and forth coming girls in this world :)

[Aphropuff]

Well said! Thank you for sharing your thoughts and kind words, you've really helped me out. I wish you better luck next time! Have fun and take care:)

[animalwithin]

No worries phro, thanks for listening and giving us guys hope!

[Inq100]

I am wondering about that too. I cannot understand the concept of mind games. People seem to refer a lot to the practice here and on dating sites. I cannot seem to find a well-accepted definition of the "mind game"

To answer the other questions:

Some people are afraid to show their true feelings because they think they'll appear weak.

Your text message in the example is perfectly valid. It's a little straightforward. It seems just a little bit funny, in my opinion. It may also appear playful. My response would probably be short, possibly playful.

I see nothing wrong in expressing your emotions this way. By the way, did you get any reply from him?

[Aphropuff]

Thanks for your answer! Good point! I am actually quite playful and so was the text. He replied that he wasn't back because he's sick and said "you can welcome me back next week" The thing is he always replies hours later but he sent me two texts at at once to make up for it I dunno. My question is if you like someone why text them only once a week and why delay the response? Or maybe some people don't like texting--cos he's great in 3-D! Altho he only made a move now that he heard that I met someone.

[Inq100]

Some people don't like to text. Some people find it difficult to answer spontaneously, hence the delay. Sometimes, text messages are delayed due to technical reasons. SMS was never meant to be a real-time chat system. If he really liked you, chances are he would have messaged you far more often. If he made a move after you met someone, it might indicate jealousy, an attempt to control or manipulate (unsure about it). What is meant by "he's great in 3D?" Do your refer to real life, video chat?

[Aphropuff]

Great in 3-D as in he's incredible to me when we hang out. And seriously I agree if someone cares they seek you out and contact you. So it's the two polar opposites when it comes to him. What I hate is that waNt to give the new guy I met a chance--by "hate" I mean cos if my crush was a bit more sincere I wouldn't date someone else. People get hurt this way. Haha being dramatic, I'm single I can do what I want right! Be honest and sincere, people! Spare us the confusion

[SDj-9]

I like that text you sent. It don't like when someone play that kind of games. It's not cool to do that, what did your friend had in mind? A simple hey, are you back in town? that look like you were forced to text him, or even to not text at all? That's just lame. I would be so glad to get that kind of text from someone. It shows that you care, and want to see him. What's so bad about it? Why would you look desperate if you like someone... Anyways I don't know when this "mind games" thingy started, but in my opinion, it has more effect in driving people apart, than it has in pulling them closer to each other.

[Aphropuff]

That makes total sense, ye it does pull them apart I believe it has a negative effect, absolutely! Plus even if it worked, I would rather not play along than have a messed up head! I'm relived by your answer and glad people think in mature terms:)

[Steelcore1085]

When a girl plays mind games with me (which unfortunately happens a lot), I just stop going after them because it is truly a waste of my own time when I could spend it on someone else who truly likes me for me and won't play mind games with me.

I absolutely hate it when people play mind games with me, and it seems like most people play mind games these days! Very few people are even straightforward on stuff like this! It annoys me when a girl plays with my head and doesn't mean what she says and does!

One of the reasons why I gave up on pursuing a relationship!

[Aphropuff]

I inderstand what you mean. Maybe it's in our nature to not be satisfied with honesty and try to find something difficult instead. Or maybe it depends on what phase you're in because I believe that after a bunch of dumb sotuations you do appreciate someone straightforward. But if you are just looking for excitement them honesty isn't appealing. At leat by keeping it honest you can have your own peace of mind--but it is tough!

[Steelcore1085]

I agree. Personally, I try to be as straightforward as I can without making it awkward. Being honest at the start is better than pretending and then down the road having it bite you in the ass! It helps the girl and I know what page we are both on so I am not wasting my time on her.

[Konnour]

Because people are afraid that if they'll show their real feelings, then THE OTHER person will start playing mind-games to them!

Openness leads to vulnerability and caring less equals more power.

[Aphropuff]

thanks! yeah it's a trap because if you want power in any kind of relationship then, to me, you're not enjoying it cos you're uptight and planning your next move.

[Konnour]

Yes, true.

[Jaden69]

What you said was completely normal and not over the top. I'd welcome back a friend too if he/she was close to me even if they didn't make me something for my birthday.

[Aphropuff]

Thanks! I'm glad all you guys seem to appreciate honesty. You won't believe how strategic girls try yo be! It makes life difficult!

[PhilaPenn]

You should say what you mean. But be prepared for the guy to do the same. Most men usually do, but it may not always be the response you want

[Aphropuff]

Haha that's true! I'll admit guys are blunt and it can be kinda rough but it is always aporeciated to the maximum. I have two brothers and I learned to appreciate it instead of hate it!:)

[bDizzie]

Your friends are giving you bad advice, there's nothing desperate with that text!

[Aphropuff]

i appreciate that :)

[DesiVega]

If said friend was female she likes him and was/is jealous that your "flirting" with him.,

[asianfreak]

Lots of people are nervous about or are unwilling to just be themselves.

[Aphropuff]

complicates things quite a bit for no reason!

[Anonymous]

Bcoz we are social and at times self-centred, we play mind games sometimes for the benefit of others.

[JennyBenny318]

I always say how I feel. I hate mind games.

[Aphropuff]

Good good! How it should be:)

[Aphropuff]

Good job! How it should be

[ADVISER-MAN]

Because they are cowards I guess.