Search Results: pretty vs. personality

30f and I really can’t tell if I’m inevitably single because I don’t want a relationship or it’s a case of self sabotage. Within the past few years, the only attention I’ve gotten from attractive guys were on dating apps. But that should be taken with a grain of salt, I feel like compared to the average woman, I don’t get attention from quality guys in person. I’m pretty shy and tend to speak when spoken to, on top of bad anxiety, I’ll say I question if women can relate to my lack of sex drive. I haven’t had sex since my early twenties/don’t masturbate and couldn’t care less if I died a virgin, will feel some kind of way if I’ve never found love though.

It’s as if I want the reassurance I’m desirable (from what seems like decent men) vs actually going out on dates, I’m insecure but wouldn’t just go for anyone that gives me the time of day. I just don’t get why it can’t ever go my way w/ the OLD apps, it’s likely bad luck but a pattern of: ghosting, fizzling out, the convo not flowing to my expectations & I dip out, just lack of interest (can go both ways) etc. I’m attracted to men, I really don’t think id date a woman but something about men at the same time turns me off (physically & personality wise). Like almost every woman I've known has been boy crazy since they were pre-teens and I never got it, I thought they were exaggerating or I was a late bloomer. Well here I am 2 decades later, my closest thing to boy crazy were celebrity crushes.

Am I looking for excuses to justify being single? Is it simply a case of being unlucky? Is there more to unpack here? Or is the right guy all it takes for it to fall into place?

I watch true crime where the ex lovers of these serial killers talk about how love made them do stupid things, these killers showed really early on they were trouble & these women continued to stay with them because they were so in love with these guys. 29F & being under the impression that I have an avoidant attachment style, over the years I’ve ended “friendships” when I grew tired of dealing with their behaviors that didn’t sit well with me. I have a habit of letting things build up & just eventually ice them out vs confronting them early on. Not to mention, when guys showed earlier on during the talking stages that they may have ways about them that don’t sit well with me, I’ll end it from going any further. Someone I saw very briefly in my early twenties previously dated a girl that was probably bipolar & put him through shit, I would make comments like how I couldn’t believe he still stayed with her through all of that. And he pretty much implied I can’t understand why he did that because I’ve never been in love. I hate being spoken down to, condescension results in me dipping out asap. Again, I pump the brakes in any kind of interpersonal relationship. Am I naive in assuming I’m this way because I just have a strong personality? Or is it because I haven’t met the person that has me so enamored & it results in me being strung along? Thoughts? Similar experiences?