My relationship ended because I was unable to communicate my needs. How can I prevent this in future?

[Anonymous]

Hi guys. I was in an 8 month relationship where I noticed some problems from the beginning (he was not a great texter, was sorta self-absorbed) but I let things slide bc everything was new. I did try to start bringing stuff up (texting habits, etc.) but I was so shy & he was so happy l didn’t really know how to bring it up, or would just do it in an indirect/light/joking way.

Eventually the same behaviors went on, and more started, so instead of me communicating, I just observed & built up a lot of resentment over a number of months. I decided in my head the relationship maybe wasn’t right for me & that I would end it, but there wasn’t a right moment for me so it went on several more months. It got to the point where he eventually & finally noticed how unhappy I was. It was so unfair of me to have waited this long. We finally addressed some issues, but there were just so many it was too late at this point. He’d had no idea I was unhappy bc I kept it to myself.

He broke up w me, has already moved on & im heartbroken. I should’ve just spoke up but I didn’t know what to do. I have to see him almost constantly at work so I have panic attacks nightly thinking about it. It’s too late to mend things & he’s moved on.

What do I do? I feel terrible. If I had just spoken up things would’ve worked. How do I get over this? I don’t think I’ll be able to date again for years

i was so shy/insecure in the relationship it was impossible for me to do anything

[Anonymous]

The past is a place of reference, not residence. Meaning that what’s done is done, and there’s no use dwelling over the things you did wrong, because that serves you no positive purpose. All you can do is learn from your mistakes and not remake them going forward. A big issue I noticed here was that he is your coworker — I would advise don’t do that again. Breakups are hard enough when you don’t have to see that person everyday. Unless you love that job then maybe consider working elsewhere. I’m not saying run from the problem, but protecting your mental health comes first and horrible panic attacks/anxiety/etc are just not worth it. Also, forgive yourself. You’re human, and you make mistakes. At least you are acknowledging there is a problem, so work towards addressing it. Whether it’s journaling, therapy, etc. For all you know you’re still reeling from a past experience and that trauma pops up in random ways. The last thing you want is to make your partner pay for something an ex did.

[pleasestopthis]

Move on and take this experience to learn a valuable lesson: communication and honesty are key to have a healthy relationship.

[FakeName123]

"If I had just spoken up things would’ve worked"

No, they most likely wouldn't. While your observation is correct of speaking up, that is most likely not the reason for the end of the relationship.

You are absolutely correct in having to speak up, though. But that isn't exclusive to relationships, but life in general. Learn to stand up for yourself and speaking out on your own behalf while remaining respectful about it. How to do it? That can't really be answered with the little knowledge about yourself. It really depends on how you don't stand up for yourself and why and would require more digging into your self.

[Asker]

Thank you so much. I've been thinking about this a lot.

I'm looking back & I actually feel like I did try, just was too polite about it. I like the point about "why" & gonna think on this

I def agree that there were other issues too

Thank you so much. This was great advice

[FakeName123]

No problem. Keep in mind. Saying no doesn't make you a bad person. Yes, not everyone will like you if you tell them no. But people will respect you for being truthful to yourself. And you will feel a lot better about yourself by allowing yourself to be who you are.

[In_Trance]

communicate your needs