Not an easy understanding?

[Anonymous]

My ex broke up with me 3 months ago and then almost 2 months ago said she didn't wanna hangout anymore... but she still always hits me up on snap, not selfies, only messaging wise, always replies to my snap stories... we talked today and it was the first time we've talked about our relationship since the breakup... only talked about the sex part though.. told her she couldn't keep up with me for how long I wanted our sex sessions to last lol then I pretty much just challenged her to an all night sex marathon, she said maybe we'll do that one day... lol

[HollyK21]

What’s your question here specifically? You explained the situation and seem amused or happy with the last exchange, but what are you asking the community?

[Asker]

I'm asking what's her motive or thinking or feeling or anything... like why always hmu on snap and reply to my stories and why say maybe one day when talking about sex... after she said 2 months ago she's done and moving on

[HollyK21]

Gotcha. I think a lot of times when people go back (men and women alike) is because the grass wasn’t greener on the other side, and the situation they left you for didn’t quite work out, or maybe it’s currently complicated. This doesn’t necessarily mean they want a relationship with you again when they double back, but they want what they’re not receiving during their journey to find someone else, if that makes sense. For her, it could be attention she craves, and you give her that without bringing up the past or any ‘I thought you were done with me’ topics. You pretty much pick up where you left off, it’s easy and it gives her what she’s missing. By the other aspects (I. E what drove you apart) are still factors, and her mind is still made up, which is why she’s dipping her toes in the conversation but not diving in. All this to say — don’t allow her to blur any lines or waste your time. You don’t need to be her entertainment, or risk ruining the progress you’ve made to get over her. If she’s confused, it has nothing to do with you, so I wouldn’t bother with her until she’s coming to you with something solid.

[Asker]

This has been going on for about a month but this was first time we've talked about anything related to our relationship, even though it was just the sex part. I still miss her and everything and I crave seeing her

[HollyK21]

You aren’t doing yourself any favors by engaging. Her indecision is a decision.

[Asker]

I know... it's definitely not fun or an ideal situation but I don't wanna lose her completely outta my life

[HollyK21]

You don’t have to lose her completely but you can set some boundaries. If she wants to be friends, be sure it’s casual. If she wants to work things out, then sure make that the goal. But straddling the line isn’t fair, because she shouldn’t be allowed to pick and choose when you’re going to matter, or mess around with your head just bc she’s bored and wants attention.

[Asker]

I know... the reason why I'm in therapy... I'm trying to work on these things and everything. It's not easy. It's definitely a long process

[HollyK21]

You’re 100% right, it’s not easy at all, especially if they keep coming around. What I’d recommend though is to try helping yourself out even just a little bit if you can stand it. Rather than having to keep restarting the process of healing.

[Asker]

I was definitely broken after the breakup. The therapy is a work in progress on my healing. Probably gonna be seeing therapist for awhile. I've never had an ex hmu so much or anything

[HollyK21]

Maybe you should be upfront with your ex about your therapy, and how important it is to set boundaries if she doesn’t see herself being with you. I totally get not wanting to lose her, but you can’t lose what’s not yours and if she leaves then she never had the intention to stick around in the first place. Her main concern with you even as a friend should be respecting your mental health, and not doing selfish shit like flirting and engaging to talk about sex when she knows you’re not over her. I’m sure she’s a nice girl and you are afraid to hurt her as well, but there’s nothing harsh about asking politely for some clarity, and if she doesn’t want you back then to please not straddle the fence or give you false hope.

[Asker]

She knows I'm in therapy and she's in therapy too. I know I know, you're right... I've never been this crazy about anyone before. It's got me all fucked up lol I honestly don't know if we could just be friends... she is a nice girl but can definitely also be a stone cold b**ch lol and yeah it's so fucking weird... she hurt me and broke me heart but yet I don't wanna hurt her or anything... and yeah it's been alotta false hope, definitely been feeling like that

[HollyK21]

Knowing that she could hurt you without it being an accident can be an excellent motivator in your efforts to take a step back, but only if you allow it to help rather than trying to rationalize that behavior. None of us are perfect and neither are you, so I’m sure you’ve done at least one thing wrong. But things like that keep you in toxic situations though, and you’ll romanticize trauma bonding without even trying. I do agree that friendship is not in the cards, at least not right now because you can’t be a good friend when you’re not done wanting to be her boyfriend. There’s no way you could hear about her moving on, be a shoulder for her to cry on about other men, and all those duties expected of a friend without completely crushing yourself in the process. I definitely get having a hard time because you’ve never been so crazy over someone, and if those feelings keep you locked in this cycle then you’ll just have to go through the motions. I don’t think it’s healthy for your mental state, confidence, and overall sense of self worth, though.

[Asker]

She may seem perfect to me but I deep down I know she isn't. I fucked up in the relationship (not cheating or abuse) but yeah her therapist told her that we were toxic... but we were never toxic when we were together.. maybe after we separated and our communication and still hanging out and hooking up once, you can consider toxic but other than that, nothing was toxic. I'm still tying to hangout with her next month, seeing her is probably the only way I can tell how she feels or anything

[HollyK21]

Her therapist is likely referring to toxicity in current time. I feel like often we dig into the past and use those good moments as the biggest points of reference (like you saying you were toxic while together), rather than looking at where you are today and what put you there. You messed up in the relationship, as did she, hurting you and breaking your heart. Once you’re in a relationship that doesn’t present all of these issues, you’ll understand better where the toxicity lies: it’s hard to see it now though, especially when you haven’t experienced a better, much healthier situation. You’d still be with the person if you had. Anyway if your intent is to meet up with her next month then no one can stop you, I know sometimes we just have to go through shit to get the ultimate result of our choices. What I would advise though is to go into it seeking clarity.

[Asker]

I don't know if you're familiar with attachment styles but we're complete opposites when it comes to that, she's avoidant style and I'm anxious style. But yeah no doubt we always remember the good times, it makes me wanna keep making those good memories. So yeah my intent is to see her next month but there's only so much I can do... cuz if she doesn't wanna see me, then clearly I won't beable to see her... I asked her to hangout 3 weeks ago, but said she already had plans.. so now in gonna try again

[HollyK21]

I feel like you’re already getting a lot of your answer with her actions, but you’re pushing for this reunion because of your own needs. Like she’s the one who hurt you, broke your heart, broke up with you, “moved on”, essentially shut you down when you asked about hooking up, rejected hanging out the first time you asked... now you’re ready to ask again? I’m not judging, as this is your journey and you have to do what’s best for you. But I’m not sure what you can really hope to gain from meeting up with her, and willingly set yourself up to be hurt again.

[Asker]

Yeah I know I seem crazy right? Lol it's just so hard not to wanna try since she keeps hitting me up and talking to me. The hooking up part really came outta nowhere. She started the sexual start and I just went with it and wanted to see how far I could take it lol and at the end, she knew what I was doing, knew I was tryna almost "bait" her into wanting to hookup again.. she knows me too well lol

[HollyK21]

Even without knowing you well, it’s not hard to see when a guy is trying to make a move lol, not saying that to take away from how well she knows you — I’m sure she does, but in this instance it’s really just common sense on her part. Anyway, what’s your therapist have to say about this? Does she know you intend to ask your ex to meet up again?

[Asker]

Well all I said was that I thought she couldn't keep up with me during sex, like how I always wanted to keep going and she'd get tired and wanna stop lol she got all defensive after that and was like" I feel like you're tryna challenge me and make me wanna prove myself with you" and yeah therapist knows I'm gonna ask her again. She doesn't have a problem with it but I see her tomorrow night

[HollyK21]

But see, you opened the door clearly into talking about sex, no matter how lightly you feel you put it lol I mean you have to admit that only someone naive would think you did anything other than try flirting and talking dirty. Not trying to make you feel any sort of way, just saying☺️. Anyway, I do hope you have a positive outcome with this situation because I’m sure you mean well. Plenty of us are guilty of doing that revolving door cycle with someone, breaking up but not being done, etc etc., that’s why I respect your journey and talking to you without judgement. But remember, you’re supposed to learn from your mistakes as well, and make better choices going forward. There is absolutely nothing easy about a breakup, and you will hurt as much as you loved. You do get through it eventually, but that won’t happen for you at all if you keep giving in to weakness and going back. Each split will feel like hell because you are starting from scratch in the healing process over and over again — that is self inflicted torture you’re doing. If you ask her to meet up, that’s your choice but if she rejects you then dude, let it be the last time. Let that be the eye opener and the kick in the pants you need to realize it’s over and you have to let go. Maybe not forever, but at least for right now.

[Asker]

That sex talk was the first and only thing we've talked about that related to our relationship. We've definitely done the breaking up but not done part before... I'm honestly shocked she still talks to me. Cuz before she said "I'm done, I'm moving on and you should too" so with that I wouldn't think of her keep talking to me... right? I almost never learn from my mistakes 😐 only like very big mistakes do I learn.. all the small ones, never learn ugh but yeah, if I ask and she's already busy or says no (which I don't think she'll actually say no) but if so, then yeah I'll kinda be stuck after that... I pretty much won't have any moves left

[HollyK21]

So you have never talked about issues within your relationship? Because if not then that would change my viewpoint on the situation a bit. I’m big on communication, so imagining her breaking up with you without an explanation or an indication that she was unhappy while you were together just makes it more surprising as to why you’d still pursue her. Maybe it’s a closure thing, but if she didn’t give it to you then, I doubt she wants to give it to you now and if you tried to have that talk, she’d probably backpedal like crazy. I’m not surprised she’s talking to you. In her mind she wants to be cool with you still, no hard feelings and maybe even some of the perks that came with being your girlfriend like getting so much attention. But her intentions aren’t true, otherwise she would’ve said ‘I’m busy that day but let’s plan for another’. Or ‘I know our breakup wasn’t so great but I’d like to talk about it’. Her saying things like these relay true interest.

[Asker]

I'm big on communication too. She wasn't always too good at it though... She told me the reason why she broke up with me. Last time we hungout, we hooked up but then few days later, she said that night was a test to see if she was just a toy to me... said she felt like she was... I texted her last week about the issue that broke us up and I apologized for it and everything but she never replied back. She hmu on snap the next day but never answered back about what I texted her... I don't know what her intentions are.. or why she still talks to me. But yeah you're not the first person to say that too me, the part where she could've said I'm busy that day but I'm free on this day...

[HollyK21]

To me that just feels like a garbage lie on her end. How the heck is hooking up with you a test to see if she’s a toy? To me, that is HER using YOU for her benefit, then trying to victimize herself as not to feel bad. She plays with your time and then backpedals when you try and advance things, which to me is wrong and quite childish. You apologize for your faults, and she’s not apologizing for hers (unless you just didn’t state that). You ask her to hang out, she doesn’t care to reschedule. She entertains your flirting, then brushes you off when you suggest something further. Do you notice this pattern of dismissing and using? That is surely an example of the toxicity her therapist speaks of, and I feel certain her therapist addressed this, and she just didn’t tell you. Why? Because accountability is not her thing. Just how communication is not her thing. This just isn’t a healthy situation to invest more time in. She should be single, and work on herself before being in a relationship again.

[Asker]

She felt like our relationship was becoming like it was being based off sex.. I told her multiple times it wasn't and that I wasn't with her just for sex but that I was with her because of who she was as a person. And I told her all that again in my last text where I apologized and everything... my sex drive is beyond sky high, so I guess that's why she felt like that... and naw never apologized.. she definitely has issues but yet I'm still crazy about her. I want her to fix her issues but only she can do that. Back when we were together, she admitted to having commitment issues and fears

[HollyK21]

Very true, her unresolved issues and trouble with commitment are only problems she can fix, but it won’t happen overnight and it certainly hasn’t happened yet. If you decide to try dating again, those same issues would likely be prominent because these few months is nowhere near enough time for real change, it’s just giving in to loneliness and how much you miss her. But I do understand if you feel inclined to try again, sometimes we just have to go through the motions.

[Asker]

Well I would definitely bring up all the issues if we ever try to date again. We never talked about any of the issues we had... we just like pushed it all under the rug and moved on