My boyfriend and I had to break up because of his parents. What do I do?

[catsaregold]

My boyfriend and I had to break up because his parents found out we slept together. I still want to be with him and love him very much, but he doesn't want to go behind his parents back again (we've done this before and kept our relationship a secret for the first 2 months). We are not allowed to see each other at all/make eye contact, so he ignores me even at school. We had the same friend group, a rock band together (which I had to quit from the breakup), and fell in love from being each others best friend.

I have given him letters and tried to talk to him, but it doesn't seem to work. On the last letter I gave him, I said that I was willing to wait until we were adults and see if we could get back together romantically (we are teenagers now). he answered through one of our mutual friends that he would love to be 'friends' in the future, but he doesn't want to think about the future and wouldn't want to date me again. I'm thinking his answer is because of his parents, and he might resent me for it (they punished him a lot for what we did).

Its been a little over a month since we broke up, we dated for six, and have been friends for many years. Again, I want to always be with him because I know what good we were to each other. Any and all advice welcome, thank you!

Updates

+1 y

Just thought I'd add, we were each others first love. Don't know if it'll help at ll

[SnowedIn]

I'm so sorry that you're going through this. What a terrible place to be in. And, while as a parent I can somewhat understand what his parents might have been aiming for, I'm disappointed in their choices. But I respect their decisions as the parents.

Likewise, although I'm disappointed in the young man for acquiescing rather easily, I also respect him for obeying and respecting his parents.

Forgive me, please, for I have to say something that may hurt. If he gave up this easily (even to obey his parents) then I'm not certain he was long term for you. Like, he could have acquiesced on behavior ("don't sleep with her any more") but the whole don't see her, don't make eye contact is over the top -- he should have pushed back on that.

BUT. You asked what to do.

Move forward. I'm not saying that because I think it's easy. I literally know it's not. Your heart, I'm pretty certain, feels shattered, and your mind is hurting from a thousand paper cuts across your brain. Songs and activities remind you of him. Etc. I get it. Here's the thing: all of that is okay. You will (and should) grieve for him and for your relationship. But you also have to live your life.

Find activities that make you happy. Sing songs that make you happy and don't remind you of him. Get lost in books and shows that make you laugh and cry and think. Do great work in school. If you have a job, focus on that. Go run or swim or dance or hike. Be intentional about identifying the little things that bring you joy (a fresh cup of coffee, petting your cat, new erasers, drawing stick figures, baking cookies -- whatever) and be equally intentional about seeking those things about and doing them. One and two and more of them. They will put joy in your life.

The point, obviously, isn't to forget him or your relationship or your love. The point is that you are human and that you deserve to live and to be happy and so you intentionally choose happiness and things that bring you happiness. That doesn't mean you can't cry and beat your pillow and be mad, but don't let those behaviors and those feelings take over.

Again, I'm so sorry you're dealing with this and I wish you the best.

[WaterIsland]

I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I know this isn’t what you want to hear right now, but you’re young and there are a lot of other guys out there. This relationship didn’t work out, but there is always next time.


It’d be very wrong of you to not respect his feelings about this. He wants to move on, and you should respect that, try to move on yourself, and give him space.


I know breakups aren’t easy. They are extremely difficult and painful. But almost everyone has been there before. So you aren’t alone.


Spend time with your friends. Focus on your hobbies. Keep trying to do well in school. And eventually you’ll find another guy.

[Anonymous]

I’m sorry for what you’re going through, but I think it’s time to make peace with his choice rather than push for what you want, and move on. If you two really love each other then revisit this when you turn 18. But right now he’s living under his parents roof, still a child (as are you), and wants to abide by his parents rules. You may not be able to understand their perspective because at that age your feelings are extreme, but I can’t say I blame them. It’s scary to imagine their son risking teenage fatherhood, or being sexually active in general. They’re trying to keep him from making a huge mistake, and his respect and love for them is why he’s honoring their wishes, and you should do the same. No it’s not fair, but in two years you can put all this behind you and be together as a couple.

[Avicenna]

Move on. This will not work out for you two, I'm sorry to say.

[In_Trance]

move on, Find someone new