My mom wants me to break up with my boyfriend of 11 months. What should I do?

[parmesancheeselover]

I'm a sixteen year-old girl in high school, dating a boy for nearly a year (about 11 months) and we both love each other a whole lot. We have this connection that we can't possibly find with anyone else and we're each other's best friends. He goes to my school, so I'm lucky I get to see him for six hours everyday. However, my mom doesn't approve of him, and neither does my dad. They think he isn't good enough for me and that he's gonna throw me off from my education and my goals. He and I are both getting tired of the restrictions my mom puts on our relationship -- we can't ever see each other outside of school, and my mom takes away my phone and laptop and general privileges, like seeing friends and socializing whenever she finds out that I'm talking to my boyfriend. She walked in on us having physical intimacy over the phone last night and she got so mad that she called me whore, a disappointment, told me not to call her "mom" anymore, and called me a failure. It's not like I do that kind of stuff with just anyone. He's the first and only guy I've ever done it with and we've never even had sexual intercourse. We miss seeing each other and we trust and love each other, so we SOMETIMES (once in a while) share intimacy over FaceTime. He always tries to make sure that I'm okay, he puts in so much effort to ensure that I'm happy and he always makes me laugh. I do the same with him. Again, we're each other's best friends and we trust each other with our lives. I always feel like I can never talk to my mom about how I feel about my boyfriend because she just shuts me out and makes me feel like my thoughts and feelings are invalid. She punishes me for being intimate with him, even though we're simply experiencing life and I know him. I know he would never do anything to hurt me, and he never has, throughout the last year or so that we've been dating. I keep asking my mom to try to get to know him so she can have better judgment, but she refuses. I don't know what to do.

[SteveSmith1985]

Well to be honest... you sound like you're coming from a reasonable position.

I'm at this weird age, where I can very-much remember being 16... and tbh it doesn't seem like all that long ago. I'm not all that different in a lot of ways than I was at 16. Nevertheless, I'm also at an age where I start to look at situations as "what if this was my daughter" rather than simply "what if this was me." (I do not have kids by the way).

So my initial impression was that your parents had the best of intentions, decided they didn't approve of this guy... and from then on did their best to "protect you" from someone they legitimately feel is going to be a bad overall addition to your life. There are a lot of guys out there that parents really wouldn't want their daughter dating. I'm sure you know guys like that off the top of your head.

I assumed this was a case of your parents putting this boyfriend in the "wrong category" (the category of "guys to keep you away from. Bad guys"). That's an understandable mistake. But there were a couple of things you mentioned here that made me start to wonder. You gave me a few confusing record-scratch-moments that make me wonder if there might be more layers to this than a typical teenage disagreement about who you should date.

The first thing that made me take a serious pause... was your mother's extreme reaction to catching you two being intimate over facetime. I totally understand that she would be pissed about that. Any parent would be pissed. Like really pissed... just furious. You straight-up "defied her" and are sneaking around with this forbidden guy under her roof. Any human being is going to get pissed off at that.

But her reaction was wildly inappropriate. It was way over-the-top (keeping in mind... that I would expect her to be yelling and screaming and super mad about this).

To call you a whore was plain wrong. It's not right, and inexcusable. Nevertheless, I can see some parents saying that (and later regretting having said it) to their daughter over something like this. Again, it's not at all ok, or appropriate. But it's not insane. It's "regular parent insane."

Your mother telling you not to call her "mom" anymore... that's... not something that's understandable in any way. That's... way way way disproportionate to the offence. Concerningly disproportionate. There is no way any parent should ever be saying something like that to their kid. Not over (what is at the end of the day) very regular mundane teenager troubles.

This is not some insane horrible shit you pulled. You didn't run-a-scam to sell your grandmas house without her knowledge. It's not like you're leaving your whole family financially fucked while they figure out where the hell grandmas going to live now. This... isn't that bad. In the grand scheme of things... this is the type of shit that any parent of a teenager is GOING to have to navigate.

So saying something like to no longer call her "mom" is... really really not appropriate here.

So my question to you is: Does your mom often flip-out like that? Is that just..."how she is"? Like have you upset her in the past, and she would respond by saying horrible things to you like "don't call me mom anymore"

Or does this specific topic seem to bring out an extreme anger in her which is NOT a part of how she "typically gets mad" at you?

Is this a feature of your mom's personality?

Or is this a feature of your mom reacting to the boyfriend situation... but ONLY the boyfriend situation?

I think that makes a big difference as to how to go about trying to get her to chill-the-fuck out. It depends on what "tactics" you use.

The other thing that really surprised me, was that your mother absolutely refuses to meet this guy in the hopes of "coming around" to seeing that he's a good guy after all. That's really weird to be honest.

Usually, once it became clear that you weren't going to listen to them and break up with this guy... that you seemed to be willing to do whatever you had to to keep seeing him... ANY parent is going to take you up on the offer to bring him around so they can get a better feel for the guy themselves. I don't care if your parents have zero intention of actually giving the guy a chance to change their opinion. They can be 100% decided that, no matter what, they will hate this guy after they meet him... They STILL would want to meet him.

It's crazy that they don't want to meet him. If anything, they should want to meet him so they have a better argument to explain just why this guy is so bad for you and why you need to stop seeing him. I do not understand the motivations of any parent who would refuse that opportunity to gain first-hand information about the guy... regardless of any willingness to actually give him a change.

So I would expect the parent willing to sincerely give this dude a chance would be eager to meet him. And I would expect parent who were NOT willing to give the dude a chance... would be equally eager to meet him.

It makes me wonder if... I donno... maybe your mom's struggling with the whole idea of her little girl HAVING a boyfriend? Like she's not able to accept that you're at that stage in your life where that's normal? (as opposed to having something against this guy in particular?)

This is a difficult situation. Because you aren't being unreasonable. If it weren't for the couple of issues that stuck out to me (above). My advice would be to literally (literally) copy and paste what you wrote here into an e-mail and send it to your mother. She can't "not listen" she can't interrupt or change the focus of the talk or any of the things mothers are so expert at.

You make a clear, reasonable, rational case here. Don't change or take out a damn thing. Exactly what you wrote here. I feel like reading this from your daughter would make any normal parent, (at least) second-guess whether they were taking the right stance here. Any "normal" overprotective parent would be affected by reading such an honest appeal for fairness from their daughter.

A normal parent would have nothing but your best interests at heart... and be overprotective out of fear that you'll come to harm. Their heart really would be in the right place. Reading what you wrote here... would make a parent wonder if they were truly putting your best interests at heart by refusing to even give this guy a chance enough to be willing to meet him.

I just don't know if this is a "normal parent" situation. The things I mentioned make me think that it's got more to it than a typical case of an overprotective parent not approving of your boyfriend.

Thoughts?

[Guy13]

Mom has already lived your Life. Who would know more than your feelings than one who has lived, your Life.

[parmesancheeselover]

She has not lived MY life, as MY life is MY own, not hers. We both have had different experiences throughout our lives.

[LazerBean]

Your mom is right. You're not mature enough to date, the guy is not going to be significant in the span of your life (aside from possible cringey regret) and there will be no net positive from dating him.

[parmesancheeselover]

With all do respect, you don't know the full story of our relationship. I've dealt with a lot of hardships in my life and he's made me so happy throughout our relationship, as well as respected me and cared for me, so I would say that that's a pretty big plus.

[LazerBean]

But I know how immature hormonal teenage relationships consistently work out.

[parmesancheeselover]

It's not an immature hormonal teenage relationship, though. My boyfriend and I know our relationship better than anyone, evidently, considering how we're the only ones experiencing it first-hand. We take each other's interests, thoughts and feelings seriously and we're very communicative. Like I said, it's an 11 month-long relationship. We love each other dearly.

[LazerBean]

If you were an immature and hormonal teenage, you would be here asking a question that you only want to hear one answer to. The fact that you are here doing that proves that you're just an angry child here to seek validation for wanting adult privileges.

[parmesancheeselover]

I'm not seeking validation for wanting adult privileges. I am seeking advice on how I can communicate with my mom to, at the very least, get her to listen and understand how I feel. It seems as though you have not read what I wrote entirely.

[LazerBean]

Oh I read it. Your post just does not reflect about you what you think it does.

[Anonymous]

You should listen your mother out. Maybe she knows something.

[parmesancheeselover]

But she won't even try to get to know him. What could she possibly know about our relationship if she won't even get to know him? And if I'm her daughter, shouldn't she do the bare minimum by at least talking to someone who's important to me?

[Opinion Owner]

As she is a mom, she is more experienced that you are. She went through all these stuff many years ago and she know something is wrong and don’t want you to be upset. Listen her out.

[parmesancheeselover]

We're mother and daughter, though. Shouldn't there be mutual listening?

[Opinion Owner]

Of course you can ask your mother why she wants you to break up with him but there may be something that she cannot tell you. I dunno the relationship between you, so that’s all i’m gonna say for now.
listen your mom out. If you don’t, you may regret it later on.

[ThomasDavid1989]

Well, you still live under her roof, so technically you would need to abide by her rules, but, if you really feel like he's the one you're going to be with the rest of your life, then you should stick up for him. You better think about that though. You risk straining your relationship with her then

[Unit1]

Your mom can want all she wants.

What you should do? It's time to be an adult and take responsibility for your actions. I advise not to listen to random plonkers on the internet.

[Anonymous]

You are the one who has to live with the consequences of the choices that you make in your life (for better or worse) and so you are the one who makes the choices.

[Dinosaursandanime65]

At least listen to her. A cousin’a mine had a boyfriend too… it ended in the worst way