Is Couples Counseling helpful?

[LaFemmeFatale_1]

On the verge of break up, I offered my ex to get into the couple’s therapy as we were both unable to break up, and unable to keep being happy together and we were stuck in an unhealthy cycle of recurrent break ups, he was breaking up with me every month, which had an awful impact on my emotions.

He didn’t want to get into the couples therapy.

I now wonder, does it make any difference at all?

Can it save relationships that are already suffering?

Updates

5 mo

The problem was - Long Distance, that was not something any counselor could solve at that time.

[caring__1]

After over 44 years as a licensed marriage and family therapist before retiring, I've seen it all. Can couples therapy be helpful? Yes, it can, but it usually isn't. The reason it often doesn't work is most people focus more on the other person changing than seeking ways to change themselves. As long as people continue to point the finger at others, no change occurs. When we feel criticized, we just become more resistant to change and less likely to take the feelings of the criticizer into consideration.

Therapy is most helpful when people seek tools for their own personal growth, such as effective communication skills, how to create and nurture a healthy relationship, stress management and parenting skills. Our partner is generally more willing to change when we set an example of being willing to grow. Seeking these tools in advance, rather than after problems develop, tends to be more effective. Once problems exist, people are likely to focus on legitimizing their choices rather than seek alternatives. Seek therapy before moving in together, getting married, having children, changing careers or relocating, and you'll get more out of the experience.

Understand that therapists aren't magicians. They can't solve problems like long-distance relationships or incompatibility or closed-mindedness. They can't wave a magic wand and turn a toxic situation healthy. Quality therapists want their clients to think, not become dependent on the therapist to do all their thinking for them. Many things can be helpful, but it's up to the people involved to determine if they want the help or not.

[molonski2]

All they really do is get you talking , and this brings out the truthful underlying reasons , brings all to the surface , so it certainly can help if someone has been bottling up issues , and the other was completely unaware , it doesn't help when you just can't find that common ground , or some factor is not negotiable.

Would it help long term? Its possible than it can , but if the problems are deep and cut to the core , it will not assist.

He didn't want to go to counselling?

Well , I can understand that also , many do not.

[LaFemmeFatale_1]

We talked a lot. Just the problem we had wasn’t possible to be solved at that time and it bottled up his anger and frustration.

[wolfcat87]

We tried it once, and the only way it brought us together was with how much we both disliked it and the counselor. They wanted us to talk about issues in the most indirect way possible and not to actually talk through or focus on anything. We accomplished much more just by talking to each other.

I've also known of couples who went in and ended up with a biased counselor who took one person's side on everything. That's not helpful either.

But, that's therapy in general. It's an art form, and many therapists are bad at it or incompatible with the people they are working with. I've met one amazing therapist, and she was another relative's already so I couldn't hire her.

[LazerBean]

It's helpful for married people. But for unmarried people it's just dumb in my opinion because it doesn't make since to try to keep teaching for the ultimate commitment that is marriage with someone who is obviously a poor choice.

[AviatorTom]

My then-wife and I had counseling as an attempt go save our marriage. It helped in that we learned things about each other, but we still divorced... amicably.

[lightbulb27]

long distance they can't fix.

What is helpful is getting perspective on the issue andissues of self, evaluating where each needs to change and wants to. that has to do with the personality, upbringing and wounds that need healed to meet the emotional needs of the relationship. Effort required.

There's no magic pill and if it's he said she said finger pointing... waste of time.

Sounds like you had a valuable relationship and still processing the learnings. The question becomes... what did you learn about yourself, your needs, what you can handle, what you can't, why you were attracted, what's good for you, etc..

[BoopBoopBeep]

I tried it before at my ex's request. After two years the shrink said it would never work because she was an unrepentant narcissist, so she'd always play out the hero/victim dichotomy without accepting personal responsibility on anything. I told that shrink to go F herself, that my ex was stronger than that, and maybe she just needed a better shrink. 5 more shrinks and 5 more years later, still ended due to her unrepentant narcissism and constant hero/victim dichotomy.

[LaFemmeFatale_1]

Was she hero or a victim?

[BoopBoopBeep]

Both. Depended on the situation. There was just no "normal" setting. Becky didn't comment on your new shoes. It isn't an office conspiracy to isolate you to eventually take your job. She just didn't f'ing comment on your rather unremarkable shoes.

or

You let one of your students take a make-up test when they overslept. Now you've saved their career and kept them from having to turn tricks under a bridge and live in a box. Nope. You just gave them a make-up test.

[sawno]

My own relationship failed in part due to the long distance as well, she was getting to lonely and I could not do remotely what I needed to do.

So will counseling help? No, I don't think so. What you need is a good short distance strategy, how are you two going to make it work? And is that even feasible after all these struggles?

In our case she literally told me there was nothing I could have done better, which already says that counseling wouldn't have helped us. We were great communicators so we were on the same page for most of it, but distance is just something you can't easily overcome without a plane ticket and a good migration plan.

[AmeerX]

Personally, it's my own theory. If you need to go to a counselling session instead of involving her and your friends or family to protect a relationship then it's not worth it. I don't like counselling at all. It feels fake to me.

It's like a divorce lawyer. Why they don't say he is a marriage lawyer or relationship lawyer? Because they are taking fee to break up the marriages. They never want to help in reconciliation unfortunately.

You are only feeling about the past because you had a sad past and really been trying to be this perfect self. Let it go. You are in Mid 20s life crisis. Happens to people and it happened to me too. If you want to talk to someone we are available 😄.

[AmeerX]

Is that what you tell yourself? That it broke because a third party was not able to do something for you in long distance. Look, believe in the power of love. Just the other day I was talking to a 70 years old with eyes disease and she told us all how her husband takes care of her eyes and medicine and takes her to appointments. Don't let the power of love be underestimated 😎

[LaFemmeFatale_1]

No, I don’t think of it anymore. I was reading a topic about counseling and I remembered that story, wondering if couple therapy works at all.

I am jot thinking of that anymore and I am finally over my past, not willing to talk any further about this.

[AmeerX]

Good. Personally I think couple therapy doesn't work. My engagement broke because the in laws instead of trying to make my ex see reason became defensive. Finally my father after so many months has told me why I didn't tell him all the toxic things that happened and thing is I did and he only said yesterday that glad it ended. It was becoming too disrespectful 😔. I am over it finally.

Anyhow, I used to think why people would divorce and break up and I think I know why. Respect and understanding is very important

[love_conquers_lust]

I believe it’s useful for bringing problems to light if there is a communication breakdown.

But I think the actual solution to mending an ailing relationship must come from the individuals themselves. It’s up to them to find a healthy dynamic for both of them. The therapist is there to make sure everyone gets heard.

[love_conquers_lust]

^^^I should qualify by saying that I’m not a therapist nor do I have a lot of direct experience. My understanding is mostly academic and from lived experiences outside of therapy.

[Anonymous]

Couples counseling can be beneficial for many relationships, but its effectiveness depends on both partners' willingness to engage in the process. If one person is not open to counseling, it may limit the impact. However, for those willing to participate, therapy can provide a neutral space to address issues, improve communication, and gain insights. While it's not a guaranteed solution, it has helped many couples navigate challenges and strengthen their relationships. If your ex isn't interested, consider seeking individual counseling to support your own emotional well-being.

[Red_Arrow]

It can be very helpful. The therapists do not have any magic suggestions to offer couples, but they are trained in getting people to understand and express their thoughts and feelings better than they can without the therapy. However, it sounds like neither of you is really interested in improving your relationship, and you keep on making the mistakes instead of learning from them.

[LaFemmeFatale_1]

Not really, our problem was long distance. Neither of us could change that, due to Chinese policy, we weren’t able to visit each other, until after China declared itself open.

[Red_Arrow]

Couples therapists offer good advice to one of the parties when the other cannot also be there.

[msc545]

In my experience it usually doesn't work. One reason that it doesn't work is generally by the time people decide to go to this type of therapy. Things have already gone too far. Most people will not go to therapy until they've tried every other thing and found out that those other things don't work either. It is very expensive in that is one reason. Probably that people will not go to therapy when they really need to before things get terrible

[DeeDeeDeVour]

First of all, it helps the shrink earn an income at your expense.

Most of the time, the shrink doesn't have any truly constructive or productive to advice anyone.

Your best bet is to listen to each other carefully.

[Anonymous]

Watch the sitcom Mom. The psychiatrist on there is about the quality you would get if you go to "couple's counseling." The psychiatrist on the Sopranos is good, but she would cost around $600/hr. Better to read a good book on the subject and try to apply some of the things you learn there.

[TonyMetal___86]

When a couple truly love each other than they will never break up cause they simply can't live without each other, while a couple's therapy might help the couple on how to maintain a healthy and happy relationship since they both can't leave each other but when one of the couples decides that it's the end and do not want to any solution to stay in this relationship than i believe that they have never loved their other half they way the other did towards them...

[SunnyRS]

Counseling can be helpful only and only if both the partners are willing to give it a shot.
And then also it depends on whether you find a good counselor and the situation you are in is something that can be helped with.
In short it is difficult but not impossible.

[Gent207-2]

Couples counseling is not meant to prevent the death of a relationship or marriage. But it's suppos to give you both the tools to preserve it yourselves.

Book recommendations include Love Languages and Love & Respect

[virtue2332]

Yes it's helpfull. Bottom line communication is always helpful and a counselor is good at taking what you are saying and translating it in a way that is understood by who you are saying it too.

[spartan55]

I think it depends on what has happened in the relationship and the mindset of each person. My ex and I tried it and it became apparent it wouldn't matter, everything was beyond repair at that point.

[Andres77]

Therapy is a way to break through barriers of understanding between the couple but they both have to want to continue and they both have to be willing to compromise

[slatyb]

It can be if both partners want to make it work and are willing to change their behavior.

[Anonymous]

It's beneficial for the counselor getting the money.

[deus_ex_sisyphus]

If you feel like you have to tip toe your way through a relationship that relationship is not for you