ONLY if both couples are willing to work and repair their marriage. I come to find out the top reasons these things happen is because many couples have had premarital sex, rushed to date to not feel alone, hidden secrets, and serious things that may affect the relationship (mental health, physical problems, criminal history, how many people they slept with, etc), and many more issues. After seeing this in my own parents dysfunctional marriage and those I personally know I can safely point out all of the 8 listed why this is the problem:
1. "You don't feel heard". I just encountered a guy who is claimed to be better than me, give the TL, DR attitude, called me a good for nothing, a b*tch, etc. So many nasty things and lacks 0 empthay. But meanwhile, he claimed to be in love 2-decade engagement with a woman who is about to give birth to his child, but called me all of those nasty names and gone as far as to say I will never have a job, be forever alone and unemployed. But he's making 170K supposedly and he has more economic status than me, I'm not close to his level. His words. Somebody like that is why anybody would feel unheard. They judge you and shame your emotions and who you are because they don't care and are selfish. If you meet such a person, you don't date them or marry them. It's that simple.
However, many people are desperate not to be alone and they tolerate this for months and years instead of walking on when they could before marrying. The biggest problem why: they already got sexual and too emotionally invested so they don't leave. They have never been friends before dating to really see their true character. The best way to weed them out is when they think you friendzone them and they walk on their own. Because in the end, they aren't just abusive, their secretly controlling because they don't respect you. Anybody who calls and does what he said to be hours ago is not a person you want to date. Like I told him, let any man call me those names and a B, I'm leaving.
2. "You can't find compromise" Relationships and marriage is not about compromise. Friendships and family, coworkers, etc are about compromise. Relationships and marriages are about working together and finding solutions. In a compromise, somebody will always feel like they're losing and not feeling heard, which leads to others giving up and withdrawing. They contribute less their opinions and desires to save the relationships which can lead to self-sabotage. They will comply just to avoid conflict. So it makes the other person feel like the other isn't interested in them anymore and leads to more assumptions, destructive arguments, and fights. Because instead of the other listening, they want to compromise at the expense of the other partner. Marriage has conditions. If those conditions aren't met, somebody will be miserable. That is just how marriage is.
3. "If you cannot envision a possible future, you need to evaluate why you got married in the first place. Many have forgotten why they married, and often times instead of envisioning realistically, they have a fantasy that clouds their better judgment, especially when there is sex and much physical and emotions involved. You need those with wisdom and understand of each of you as people and your desires to fully understand if this is a relationship that one should pursue. This is what happens when people think they're so grown and they know everything when they don't. While age is a big factor. However, it is the maturity of the person that counts. I've encountered this so often with people and struggling couples.
Not sure.
First thing that came to mind was that one or both people are too stubborn to resolve their differences between them, and need a third person mediator to break the tie.
I am not like that. I like to reason my way through things, just with the person.
It also speaks to how good a person they are, whether they also want and can do the same. If they're not like that, and always seek outside sources to either decide what they feel, or to agree with them, I probably wouldn't want to be with them.
Therapy is more effective when people seek it out for personal growth, yet it is common when couples come in to focus just on what changes they expect the other to make. If your partner tends to complain and criticize during a session, that won't motivate you to lay down your defenses and seek understanding and solutions. If your partner doesn't show a desire to be considerate of your feelings and prioritize safety, you won't feel motivated to open yourself up to be considerate of your partner's feelings. Therapy works best when people seek knowledge. When they assume they already know the answer or constantly reply to suggestions with "I've already done that," their lack of openness to view their role in the situation will limit what they can get from therapy.
Negative is merely filler. Let's say there is a pothole in front of your house, and you don't like that it fills with trash every day. Because of this, you go out daily to remove the trash. One day, the city comes by and repaves the street. No pothole... no trash. Negative only exists because we get in ruts and fail to nurture positive. Wherever a person focuses will be the direction they head. If you're critical of negative, you'll get more negative; if you're appreciative of positive, you'll get more positive. Therapy isn't productive when all people want to do is vent about the negative.
It's common for women to complain that their partner is a poor communicator. Often, it's discovered she's just as bad as him when it comes to communication... she just talks all the time. Until people learn the difference between talking and communicating, it will be hard for them to connect in healthy ways.
People are often more receptive to therapy when they seek it to prepare for changes in their life (marriage, kids, job change, relocation, etc.). They tend to be more resistant to change when they feel criticized. By actively seeking knowledge, you'll get more out of the knowledge you acquire. If you are in therapy out of obligation (forced or threatened or fear of losing what is familiar) you'll be more likely to want to be spoon-fed, so you don't have to do more than is necessary. Only self-motivated changes tend to be enduring. If we feel pressure, changes will tend to be temporary and/or conditional.
It would be easy to blame it on the counselor, but it isn't that simple. It's like asking why rehab works for some people and it doesn't work for others.
You're not there because things are going great, you're there because there is an irreconcilable difference that may lead to divorce. Biggest problem I could see is if only one party wants to work towards finding a solution. Take your pick, marriage and divorce take both parties being involved.
Another reason many people see a marriage counselor is not to save their marriage at all, but cement that at fault divorce, and look better in court. "See, I tried!". Again, one party going in earnest, and another not working towards a solution.
Your checklist there is a good one, but I think most people wait and let those feelings simmer until it isn't one or two problems there, but the whole dang thing. The counselor is just there to be an impartial voice and help facilitate communication. If both parties aren't working on that together, and with the counselor, they don't even have a chance.
I've seen one before, simply because of communication issues. This might sound odd coming from a guy, but my wife wasn't opening up enough. Holding her feelings in, then snapping over little things because she wasn't expressing when she was upset over anything. It helped a lot. If we had waited a year to do that and I'd ignored that, it probably wouldn't have done much and we'd be "stuck" until things got bad enough for a divorce.
I just didn't want our kids to grow up seeing a relationship with no communication as what they should strive for.
Opinion
57Opinion
u Some people are quite "stuck" on not changing and they are very inflexible. For them, the idea of change involves giving up their identity, and saving the relationship is not as important as "saving" themselves.
I suspect that some people are stuck on the idea that they are right. They can't admit the possibility that they may be wrong because that would make them feel weak or stupid.
They think, "There's nothing wrong with me. I am what I am."
When your partner brings up things about you that they aren't happy with, it can feel like getting beat up. You have to trust the counselor to be impartial.
They don't want to put themselves in their partner's shoes.
It's scary to look deeply into their past and the things that influenced their present. It's hard and sometimes painful work.
I read a lot but it would never have occurred to me to go to counseling. But my wife is into stuff like that. With my consent, she has enrolled us in counseling a few times, not because our relationship was in trouble, but to keep it healthy and strong.
Believe it or not, the first time we did it was when we were dating. I thought "WTF?" but figured "Why not? What have I got to lose? It might be interesting." Boy oh boy WAS it interesting! We learned so much about each other and I learned a lot about myself. It isn't easy to look at yourself honestly in the mirror. You can't do that by yourself. You need a guide.
Off hand I think because one or both are not fully committed to making it work. Relationships take effort and compromise. The euphoric high of falling in love will only carry you so far. In fact, one or the other may just want out. They do not want to admit this to the other person so they agree to counseling, so that at least the can say "well I tried". Then, too, they may not have had enough common ground to build upon, or it was more physical chemistry. Being in love is easy, that is why it is called "falling". To truly love, is a decision, a choice. If you look at 1 Corinthians 13, there is nothing in that chapter about warm fuzzy feelings. On the contrary, it is ALL about ACTIONS. The last anniversary both my grandparents were alive to celebrate was their 76th. Did they fight at times, sure, They had vowed never to go to bed angry. I remember them being up until dawn trying to keep that vow. They had both decided they loved each other, even though at times they did not LIKE each other very much, and they decided the only way out was death, When you have that depth of commitment, and you BEGIN on that foundation, you tend to find a way to work through things.
It will work best when the issue is a lack of communication or where the two don't realize what's important to the other.
It does not magically change people's feelings or create a midpoint that works for both parties. In cases where they fundamentally want different things in an important area, counselling can speed up divorce. Arguably this is still a form of "success" since it moved things to a resolution.
There are also plenty of scenarios where one (or both) has more significant personal issues that may not be resolvable. Addictions, traumas, elements of narcissism or borderline issues that they're not able to manage snd basically makes them unsuitable partners for anyone.
Well, counselling only works when both people in a relationship are working to have a better relationship. If one side is being stubborn, then counselling has no effects. There are many other factors, like how one of the couple don't agree to their faults, or when one of them doesn't want to change their habits due to identity reasons. Most of the times, counselling works because both sides of the relationship want it to work, if any one of the both don't have any desire to co-operate and communicate with the other, then all that effort just goes down the drain.
There is a "change the light bulb" joke about just that -
How many counselors/psychiatrists/psychologists does it take to change a light bulb? One, but the bulb has to WANT to change.
That is it in a nutshell. My wife is a counselor and she has SO many couples where one wants to come and the other does not. If BOTH people are on the same, receptive page, that is about half the battle right there. If you are willing but your partner is NOT, yes, there are still coping mechanisms that can help you, but it just isn't the same as with two willing counselees.
It works for people who are truly committed and are truly in love with each other, since they can't live without each other but yet they still fight and have too much problems without being able to solve them, they seek a pro to help and show them the way on how to become a happier couple, the ways that they can do to each other to make them feel more comfortable and happier with each other, also the pro will listen to them and with his expertise he will be able to fix a lot of issues which is ruining his clients marriage...
If the couple aren't into each other a lot and are willing giving up and not making some hard efforts to make their relationship survives, no matter what the pro does, they will reach a dead end, because a pro ain't a magician, there is no magical stick which makes miracles abraca dabra and that's it 🤣
It's a hard working case which needs both couple to work on it led by the pro...
Counseling only works for people who want to learn about themselves and make changes. If neither wants things to change and just be validated, it’s not going to work. Same if only one wants to change and the other feels things are okey dokey, nothing will improve. It takes both to want to make it work by meeting together.
I'll always remember what the counselor asked me. She said if we were to get her to change these bad habits would the relationship still be worthwhile. Inside I answered no. Decided no more counseling was needed as it was time to go. It worked on that level for me. Some people are in the wrong relationships and it can't work. The relationship or the counselor can't fix incompatibility. Other people won't take advice and see no problem with their behavior. Then some people can learn from counseling and get better
Because down deep they really want it to work , and they are willing to do the work to get there,
others got married for all the wrong reasons, they are in the world of,, If it breaks buy a new one , and all they are thinking about is something new they don't care this is broken. Throw it away ,, it's done and over
They are the ones that it might happen more than once to
I feel like some couples need to be open to change, open to each other and willing to compromise and admit their faults. Honestly, there is quite a bit a person has to be willing to do and both have to do it together. It's not easy or fun to do but it's possible and I'm sure not every one can do it
Yes! Clearly no one approach will be right for everyone. While I personally believe that counseling can help everyone if they are just willing to put in the work. Some people just don’t believe in the therapy, or their marriage enough to do the work, or dedicate enough time to give it a chance to work!
The only people counseling will work for is for people who are committed to each other and their relationship. Everyone hits a rough patch now and then.
If you're in it for the long haul, counseling simply clarifies the WAY to get to a resolution.
On the other hand, if it's over, counseling will also offer you a way to break up healthily.
Because it will not work if one person secretly wants out while the other is forcing it. It will only work if both want to stay and work on it, say for instance their issue is about traumas from their past that affect the union, disagreements they have about their differences and other small things.
If the man is over his forceful wife, who manipulated him into marriage anyway, and now he sees that the chemistry will not get any better, he feels trapped and never loved her. She needs to stop saying, let's go to therapy, it's desperate and sad. This will have you ghosted, treated like crap and still left behind for someone else while you lie to other that he was such a bad person to you. It can go this way for the woman too, I have had it happen to me except I didn't get married. Some people are just forceful and creepy, then they play victim.
Two people who just never seen the point of view from each others eyes. Not being able to convey their feelings needing the help of a mediator of sorts listening to both parties. Like me, I suck at saying how I feel or being so tactful because I all I've known to be is blunt. I rather convey my actions through feelings in fear or saying something and having it taken the wrong way. Having someone explain why I'm direct and explaining to me how to understand point a, b, and c does help. This is just my opinion and an example.
It is like most things in life. If you want it bad enough you will find a way to make it work. The problem is when one or both parties doesn't really want to stay married. Both people have to be invested and both must do the work it takes to fix a marriage.
If a marriage comes down to having to go to counseling to save it, then the marriage is pretty much over , unless both parties both agree they want to save the marriage and choose to go to counseling together , which counseling could work in those cases , but in most cases it’s just the 1 willing to go and forcing the other to tag along , more than likely, that is just a waste of money and comes down to desperation mode , we as people can’t force someone to love us
Counseling ONLY WORKS if both parties are committed to working through and 'saving' the efforts EACH has invested.
There is NO "all TAKE and NO 'give'..." realizing that you EACH are 'better off' with someone who has your back, ... than by yourself... 'footloose and fancy-free'.
Some people don't want to make the effort to make a change, thinking "I'm right, it should be this way" is way easier than trying to put in my partner's shows and see things from another point of view. In other cases I think the pain and resentment runs too deep and some people are unable to forgive and move forward... if a person doesn't heal from that pain they will cause fights over and over because of that unresolved matter.
It could be for many reasons. Most couples go to counseling when it's too late, when there is too much damage. I think every couple should go to marriage/couples counseling even if you have a healthy marriage. It's recommended and I am going to do that myself.
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