Why Do You Think Marriage/Couples Counseling Works For Some Relationships And Not For Others?

Question

btbc92 · Accepted Answer

ONLY if both couples are willing to work and repair their marriage. I come to find out the top reasons these things happen is because many couples have had premarital sex, rushed to date to not feel alone, hidden secrets, and serious things that may affect the relationship (mental health, physical problems, criminal history, how many people they slept with, etc), and many more issues. After seeing this in my own parents dysfunctional marriage and those I personally know I can safely point out all of the 8 listed why this is the problem:

1. "You don't feel heard". I just encountered a guy who is claimed to be better than me, give the TL, DR attitude, called me a good for nothing, a b*tch, etc. So many nasty things and lacks 0 empthay. But meanwhile, he claimed to be in love 2-decade engagement with a woman who is about to give birth to his child, but called me all of those nasty names and gone as far as to say I will never have a job, be forever alone and unemployed. But he's making 170K supposedly and he has more economic status than me, I'm not close to his level. His words. Somebody like that is why anybody would feel unheard. They judge you and shame your emotions and who you are because they don't care and are selfish. If you meet such a person, you don't date them or marry them. It's that simple.

However, many people are desperate not to be alone and they tolerate this for months and years instead of walking on when they could before marrying. The biggest problem why: they already got sexual and too emotionally invested so they don't leave. They have never been friends before dating to really see their true character. The best way to weed them out is when they think you friendzone them and they walk on their own. Because in the end, they aren't just abusive, their secretly controlling because they don't respect you. Anybody who calls and does what he said to be hours ago is not a person you want to date. Like I told him, let any man call me those names and a B, I'm leaving.

2. "You can't find compromise" Relationships and marriage is not about compromise. Friendships and family, coworkers, etc are about compromise. Relationships and marriages are about working together and finding solutions. In a compromise, somebody will always feel like they're losing and not feeling heard, which leads to others giving up and withdrawing. They contribute less their opinions and desires to save the relationships which can lead to self-sabotage. They will comply just to avoid conflict. So it makes the other person feel like the other isn't interested in them anymore and leads to more assumptions, destructive arguments, and fights. Because instead of the other listening, they want to compromise at the expense of the other partner. Marriage has conditions. If those conditions aren't met, somebody will be miserable. That is just how marriage is.

3. "If you cannot envision a possible future, you need to evaluate why you got married in the first place. Many have forgotten why they married, and often times instead of envisioning realistically, they have a fantasy that clouds their better judgment, especially when there is sex and much physical and emotions involved. You need those with wisdom and understand of each of you as people and your desires to fully understand if this is a relationship that one should pursue. This is what happens when people think they're so grown and they know everything when they don't. While age is a big factor. However, it is the maturity of the person that counts. I've encountered this so often with people and struggling couples.

AmandaYVR · Accepted Answer

Not sure.
First thing that came to mind was that one or both people are too stubborn to resolve their differences between them, and need a third person mediator to break the tie.

I am not like that. I like to reason my way through things, just with the person.
It also speaks to how good a person they are, whether they also want and can do the same. If they're not like that, and always seek outside sources to either decide what they feel, or to agree with them, I probably wouldn't want to be with them.

caring__1 · Accepted Answer

Therapy is more effective when people seek it out for personal growth, yet it is common when couples come in to focus just on what changes they expect the other to make. If your partner tends to complain and criticize during a session, that won't motivate you to lay down your defenses and seek understanding and solutions. If your partner doesn't show a desire to be considerate of your feelings and prioritize safety, you won't feel motivated to open yourself up to be considerate of your partner's feelings. Therapy works best when people seek knowledge. When they assume they already know the answer or constantly reply to suggestions with "I've already done that," their lack of openness to view their role in the situation will limit what they can get from therapy.

Negative is merely filler. Let's say there is a pothole in front of your house, and you don't like that it fills with trash every day. Because of this, you go out daily to remove the trash. One day, the city comes by and repaves the street. No pothole... no trash. Negative only exists because we get in ruts and fail to nurture positive. Wherever a person focuses will be the direction they head. If you're critical of negative, you'll get more negative; if you're appreciative of positive, you'll get more positive. Therapy isn't productive when all people want to do is vent about the negative.

It's common for women to complain that their partner is a poor communicator. Often, it's discovered she's just as bad as him when it comes to communication... she just talks all the time. Until people learn the difference between talking and communicating, it will be hard for them to connect in healthy ways.

People are often more receptive to therapy when they seek it to prepare for changes in their life (marriage, kids, job change, relocation, etc.). They tend to be more resistant to change when they feel criticized. By actively seeking knowledge, you'll get more out of the knowledge you acquire. If you are in therapy out of obligation (forced or threatened or fear of losing what is familiar) you'll be more likely to want to be spoon-fed, so you don't have to do more than is necessary. Only self-motivated changes tend to be enduring. If we feel pressure, changes will tend to be temporary and/or conditional.

razelove · Accepted Answer

It would be easy to blame it on the counselor, but it isn't that simple. It's like asking why rehab works for some people and it doesn't work for others.

You're not there because things are going great, you're there because there is an irreconcilable difference that may lead to divorce. Biggest problem I could see is if only one party wants to work towards finding a solution. Take your pick, marriage and divorce take both parties being involved.

Another reason many people see a marriage counselor is not to save their marriage at all, but cement that at fault divorce, and look better in court. "See, I tried!". Again, one party going in earnest, and another not working towards a solution.

Your checklist there is a good one, but I think most people wait and let those feelings simmer until it isn't one or two problems there, but the whole dang thing. The counselor is just there to be an impartial voice and help facilitate communication. If both parties aren't working on that together, and with the counselor, they don't even have a chance.

I've seen one before, simply because of communication issues. This might sound odd coming from a guy, but my wife wasn't opening up enough. Holding her feelings in, then snapping over little things because she wasn't expressing when she was upset over anything. It helped a lot. If we had waited a year to do that and I'd ignored that, it probably wouldn't have done much and we'd be "stuck" until things got bad enough for a divorce.

I just didn't want our kids to grow up seeing a relationship with no communication as what they should strive for.

OlderAndWiser · Answer

Some people are quite "stuck" on not changing and they are very inflexible. For them, the idea of change involves giving up their identity, and saving the relationship is not as important as "saving" themselves.

Lliam · Answer

I suspect that some people are stuck on the idea that they are right. They can't admit the possibility that they may be wrong because that would make them feel weak or stupid.
They think, "There's nothing wrong with me. I am what I am."
When your partner brings up things about you that they aren't happy with, it can feel like getting beat up. You have to trust the counselor to be impartial.
They don't want to put themselves in their partner's shoes.
It's scary to look deeply into their past and the things that influenced their present. It's hard and sometimes painful work.

I read a lot but it would never have occurred to me to go to counseling. But my wife is into stuff like that. With my consent, she has enrolled us in counseling a few times, not because our relationship was in trouble, but to keep it healthy and strong.

Believe it or not, the first time we did it was when we were dating. I thought "WTF?" but figured "Why not? What have I got to lose? It might be interesting." Boy oh boy WAS it interesting! We learned so much about each other and I learned a lot about myself. It isn't easy to look at yourself honestly in the mirror. You can't do that by yourself. You need a guide.

GentlemanBob · Answer

Off hand I think because one or both are not fully committed to making it work. Relationships take effort and compromise. The euphoric high of falling in love will only carry you so far. In fact, one or the other may just want out. They do not want to admit this to the other person so they agree to counseling, so that at least the can say "well I tried". Then, too, they may not have had enough common ground to build upon, or it was more physical chemistry. Being in love is easy, that is why it is called "falling". To truly love, is a decision, a choice. If you look at 1 Corinthians 13, there is nothing in that chapter about warm fuzzy feelings. On the contrary, it is ALL about ACTIONS. The last anniversary both my grandparents were alive to celebrate was their 76th. Did they fight at times, sure, They had vowed never to go to bed angry. I remember them being up until dawn trying to keep that vow. They had both decided they loved each other, even though at times they did not LIKE each other very much, and they decided the only way out was death, When you have that depth of commitment, and you BEGIN on that foundation, you tend to find a way to work through things.

0112358 · Answer

It will work best when the issue is a lack of communication or where the two don't realize what's important to the other.

It does not magically change people's feelings or create a midpoint that works for both parties. In cases where they fundamentally want different things in an important area, counselling can speed up divorce. Arguably this is still a form of "success" since it moved things to a resolution.

There are also plenty of scenarios where one (or both) has more significant personal issues that may not be resolvable. Addictions, traumas, elements of narcissism or borderline issues that they're not able to manage snd basically makes them unsuitable partners for anyone.

RJJ33666 · Answer

Well, counselling only works when both people in a relationship are working to have a better relationship. If one side is being stubborn, then counselling has no effects. There are many other factors, like how one of the couple don't agree to their faults, or when one of them doesn't want to change their habits due to identity reasons. Most of the times, counselling works because both sides of the relationship want it to work, if any one of the both don't have any desire to co-operate and communicate with the other, then all that effort just goes down the drain.

Massageman · Answer

There is a "change the light bulb" joke about just that -

How many counselors/psychiatrists/psychologists does it take to change a light bulb? One, but the bulb has to WANT to change.

That is it in a nutshell. My wife is a counselor and she has SO many couples where one wants to come and the other does not. If BOTH people are on the same, receptive page, that is about half the battle right there. If you are willing but your partner is NOT, yes, there are still coping mechanisms that can help you, but it just isn't the same as with two willing counselees.

TonyMetal___86 · Answer

It works for people who are truly committed and are truly in love with each other, since they can't live without each other but yet they still fight and have too much problems without being able to solve them, they seek a pro to help and show them the way on how to become a happier couple, the ways that they can do to each other to make them feel more comfortable and happier with each other, also the pro will listen to them and with his expertise he will be able to fix a lot of issues which is ruining his clients marriage...

If the couple aren't into each other a lot and are willing giving up and not making some hard efforts to make their relationship survives, no matter what the pro does, they will reach a dead end, because a pro ain't a magician, there is no magical stick which makes miracles abraca dabra and that's it 🤣

It's a hard working case which needs both couple to work on it led by the pro...

ImSparkly · Answer

Counseling only works for people who want to learn about themselves and make changes. If neither wants things to change and just be validated, it’s not going to work. Same if only one wants to change and the other feels things are okey dokey, nothing will improve. It takes both to want to make it work by meeting together.

bulletbob555 · Answer

I'll always remember what the counselor asked me. She said if we were to get her to change these bad habits would the relationship still be worthwhile. Inside I answered no. Decided no more counseling was needed as it was time to go. It worked on that level for me. Some people are in the wrong relationships and it can't work. The relationship or the counselor can't fix incompatibility. Other people won't take advice and see no problem with their behavior. Then some people can learn from counseling and get better

ohshee · Answer

Because down deep they really want it to work , and they are willing to do the work to get there,
others got married for all the wrong reasons, they are in the world of,, If it breaks buy a new one , and all they are thinking about is something new they don't care this is broken. Throw it away ,, it's done and over
They are the ones that it might happen more than once to

Jjpayne · Answer

I feel like some couples need to be open to change, open to each other and willing to compromise and admit their faults. Honestly, there is quite a bit a person has to be willing to do and both have to do it together. It's not easy or fun to do but it's possible and I'm sure not every one can do it

CrazyGirl2 · Answer

Yes! Clearly no one approach will be right for everyone. While I personally believe that counseling can help everyone if they are just willing to put in the work. Some people just don’t believe in the therapy, or their marriage enough to do the work, or dedicate enough time to give it a chance to work!

Screenwriter · Answer

The only people counseling will work for is for people who are committed to each other and their relationship. Everyone hits a rough patch now and then.

If you're in it for the long haul, counseling simply clarifies the WAY to get to a resolution.

On the other hand, if it's over, counseling will also offer you a way to break up healthily.

Newhead · Answer

Because it will not work if one person secretly wants out while the other is forcing it. It will only work if both want to stay and work on it, say for instance their issue is about traumas from their past that affect the union, disagreements they have about their differences and other small things.

If the man is over his forceful wife, who manipulated him into marriage anyway, and now he sees that the chemistry will not get any better, he feels trapped and never loved her. She needs to stop saying, let's go to therapy, it's desperate and sad. This will have you ghosted, treated like crap and still left behind for someone else while you lie to other that he was such a bad person to you. It can go this way for the woman too, I have had it happen to me except I didn't get married. Some people are just forceful and creepy, then they play victim.

Synikal · Answer

Two people who just never seen the point of view from each others eyes. Not being able to convey their feelings needing the help of a mediator of sorts listening to both parties. Like me, I suck at saying how I feel or being so tactful because I all I've known to be is blunt. I rather convey my actions through feelings in fear or saying something and having it taken the wrong way. Having someone explain why I'm direct and explaining to me how to understand point a, b, and c does help. This is just my opinion and an example.

exitseven · Answer

It is like most things in life. If you want it bad enough you will find a way to make it work. The problem is when one or both parties doesn't really want to stay married. Both people have to be invested and both must do the work it takes to fix a marriage.

Finchie40 · Answer

If a marriage comes down to having to go to counseling to save it, then the marriage is pretty much over , unless both parties both agree they want to save the marriage and choose to go to counseling together , which counseling could work in those cases , but in most cases it’s just the 1 willing to go and forcing the other to tag along , more than likely, that is just a waste of money and comes down to desperation mode , we as people can’t force someone to love us

TheorionMage · Answer

Counseling ONLY WORKS if both parties are committed to working through and 'saving' the efforts EACH has invested.

There is NO "all TAKE and NO 'give'..." realizing that you EACH are 'better off' with someone who has your back, ... than by yourself... 'footloose and fancy-free'.

pleasestopthis · Answer

Some people don't want to make the effort to make a change, thinking "I'm right, it should be this way" is way easier than trying to put in my partner's shows and see things from another point of view. In other cases I think the pain and resentment runs too deep and some people are unable to forgive and move forward... if a person doesn't heal from that pain they will cause fights over and over because of that unresolved matter.

CaribbeanGuy91 · Answer

It could be for many reasons. Most couples go to counseling when it's too late, when there is too much damage. I think every couple should go to marriage/couples counseling even if you have a healthy marriage. It's recommended and I am going to do that myself.

JamieLoves · Answer

Some relationships never should have been.
Others are too broken to fix. Example: when a chick says something horrible about your parents, race, religion. Words that can’t be taken back. Belive me.. There are words that will destroy a relationship. Even if they get back together, it will always remain in the back of your mind.
It works for some , because of children, miss understanding’s, not taking it out , jealousy over nothing. Some people have jealousy’s that they can’t control...

kkirk4442 · Answer

For marriage counseling to be effective, the couple needs to be reasonably open minded, and willing to change to make the marriage better. If these are lacking during the counseling, then the counseling has little chance of success.

dudeinohio · Answer

Everyone is different. Some relationships can be helped, others not so much. My (now ex) wife went for a while.. I hated the therapist... always was on the wife's side... it was like I wasn't allowed to share my feelings... sucked... failed miserably.

loves2learn · Answer

Investment. Both parties needs to believe in the process, be invested and fully participate. The second one thinks the other one isn’t contributing the same, the process goes downhill.

Anonymous · Answer

It’s like that last epigram says, “A perfect marriage is just two imperfect people who refuse to give up on each other.” That is spot-on. If a marriage is like that, you don’t need a marriage counselor.

So that’s the root of the answer. One or both partners are ready to give up on the marriage, so saving it hinges on changing their minds.

If one has a hidden agenda and wants to appear to do the right thing but actually wants out, it’s going to fail regardless. Same if neither are going to change their opposite positions. One would hope a counselor has the tools to get the pair to swallow their pride, but some people are too stubborn for that. They might also be fighting about a deeply held conviction or incompatibility that should have been resolved before the marriage began.

Floppy2112 · Answer

If one person is serious about the relationship and about the vows they took and the other is not, no amount of counseling will fix it. That's why infidelity is usually a death sentence. It's a stark example of an uncommitted partner. If the other person wants out, it's just a matter of time. There is no magical realization that will make that person suddenly want to be there.
People only like romantic love, eros. They want nothing to do with agape. Duty, responsibility, commitment are just not valued anymore.

Why do you ask so many questions? Are you genuinely curious or do you just like to stir people up and get a reaction?

spartan55 · Answer

I think one of the biggest reasons it doesn't work is one of the two don't want to be there, and end up never buying in.

likelyOK · Answer

Could be a difference in core values or one of the two people really don’t want it to work. Also I feel some people are cheating and the other spouse may never be able to get over it, I would have a hard time myself.

LemiaOfTheCodes · Answer

Simple there are some issues that can't be patch by throwing something over it. Some cracks are just to hard to fill.

Example you wouldn't put a plaster over a cut fallopain tube and expect it to hold.

douride2 · Answer

Some times one or both persons don't really want tit to work. They have simply given up. Other tomes it's just a lousy counselor or therapist. I had one of the later at one point in my life.

loveslongnails · Answer

It works for people who want it to work, presuming the counselor is a good one. Some people are just ready to move on and it's a waste of time and money, or they truly believe it's all their spouse's fault and they are blameless.

Drumlin2001 · Answer

People not willing to fully commit to the process, or starting too late, if you've crossed the tipping point it may not be possible to get it back.

karaspara · Answer

Probably because of how badly the marriage has deteriorated and how much the couple really want to save the marriage

Unit1 · Answer

Some things are just not able to be saved. There's only what you can do.

if you're broke, you can make more money 💵. if he, she, it is broke, then he, she, it can make more money 💵.

but if you, he, she, it cheated, then you, he, she, it can't change history.

if you get abused, beaten, threatened and so on, it's not a you problem anymore unless you keep staying in there.

Siren777 · Answer

It works when both parties want to make it work. If it's only one sided and one is not willing to step up then therapy fails.

ArrowheadSW · Answer

Maybe some relationships are not worth fixing and it is time to move on. That or one or both don't want to work on it.

Andres77 · Answer

Because some are already decided before the counseling even starts.

Wiredone · Answer

It works for some because they have determination to make it work and not afraid to put in the effort.

Shark_61695 · Answer

Sometimes all they need to know is if you like Pina Coladas...

Bklynbadboy12 · Answer

Cause people have different problems also it depends on the people involed and how badly they want it to work and what there willing to do to make it work

Anonymous · Answer

My husband and I try counseling and why still kept arguing with each other. We stop going to counseling and had sex morning and night more sex our marriage is going well now surprised

GoodGuyBreakingBad · Answer

I think it works for some while it doesn't work for others is basically cause one doesn't want to bend?

Avicenna · Answer

Timing may be a factor- some relationships may have become so embittered that it’s too late

Pete671 · Answer

because for some people they do not put the marriage above themselves, and maybe each partner is just trying to get their own way?,,,

allin246810in · Answer

It's only as helpful as the couple wants it to be and are willing to work. It's not a magic fix. Marriage is horrible at times. You just can't give up.

modelUN242 · Answer

If there's one person in the relationship who's bad, people are always saying, no, BOTH of you need to take a step back and make it work. Umm, no. That one person should be blamed.

Jamie05rhs · Answer

Because some people are narcissists, while others are actually humble and willing to listen to advice.

jasco · Answer

Some people are simply not good for each other and that's fine. While others are great for each other but don't realize it

jerdanro · Answer

Willingness to accept our part and do the work to fix it.

JosyJosy · Answer

Cause one relationship is not like the other, sure the basics are the similar, but they are still two whole different individuals from a different couple

princeofromance · Answer

It depends on the couple involved or not involved. You have to be open to the help, or nothing will change in the relationship.

COMMODOREII · Answer

Some people actually want to fix their relationship

PaynefulPleasures · Answer

The want or need to make it work & the fear of change just my opinion ✌️

msc545 · Answer

Some people need an excuse to stay together, others need an excuse to break up.

Anonymous · Answer

Counselling works for relationships where the couples are willing to work at it

DJB72 · Answer

Both the husband and wife have to be completely invested in the process, and they have to not feel ganged up on. Consequently, counselling needs to be done by two counsellors - one of each gender - to avoid it.

Anonymous · Answer

Because unless both partners are sincere and want to accept what it takes to make things work, it won’t.

Romeocuck · Answer

It eorks only if both of them want to work on their relationship and actually work on it

bones0271 · Answer

Because some people are unwilling to change their behavior for the better

SpaceGalaxy · Answer

I cannot think of anything that works on 100% of people (except religion, of course)

Why Do You Think Marriage/Couples Counseling Works For Some Relationships And Not For Others?

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