What can I do if I feel like after 3 months after the break up it gets worse?

[Anonymous]

Hey,

Me and my long term, long distance boyfriend of 4 years broke up this August. We were together in a hotel room, on one of our trips, and we faced a difficult patch. I was planning to move to his country, had already visa appointment scheduled, and I did so much to be here for 4 years, but faces health difficulties... asked this tough question to him: do you want me to move to you? Because I felt like he also had to want as much as I did, to hold this relationship going and me adjusting to new culture. He was very emotional, we are very close and sympathetic, even till now. But from the problems we faced, he said it did not make a difference for him. I took it very emotionally, and decided to break up. I tried to look sexy for him, but we were struggling with physical intimacy for the last 2 years, and i felt helpless that time.

We spent 1 week together, just like a normal couple. Now it has been 3 months as we're back on track. I cancelled visa appointment. Move to another house, traveled to 3 countries. I felt ok and rational during first 3 months. Now I feel like I'm breaking down. There is no drama between us, no stalking, no neediness... We sometimes say I miss you... But it's stuck like this... And I do definitely miss him, as I managed to get in healthier shape, look better, exercise and I get his likes and attention too on social media all the time. I know he's not dating, I have not dated anyone either. I asked if we could do a trip in January, we're still in the process...

But man, this is hard, I'm ready to get back. I struggle and feel like I'd chosen him again if I had a chance. I'm hopeful and it hurts. What can I do?

[RoseySarah]

Your doing so good and I'm glad your getting better! Often time away from issues and working on health problems makes things so much better.

But I feel like he won't want get back together. 4 years is so long and he might just be ready for it to be over.

Probably not dating just focusing on himself 😔 his friends or just letting himself go after heartbreak.

That's amazing your doing better maybe it's time to think of moving else where for yourself and being happy alone and healing till it's time for a man.

Which country did you wanna move to? From where? That does make a big difference culturly and your own well being! Especially if you married him

No other family just you two?

[Paris13]

Allow Me to Help Here, dear. I Broke Off with My LDR I Had For 4 Years. It was Becoming a Toxic Relationship and with Covid, I never was Able to Get There to See Him When We Had Planned this. I then Moved to another Part of my Ste and Just "Broke it Off" with my Own Resentment Without Having to Use THOSE WORDS "Breakup." He Tried to Get Me back in His Own Way But I never Caved in. I Did Want Friendship and Felt an EMPTY VOID Because it was NOT WORKING. More Venting and Hostility. I Finally Found My Closure With What and Why I did what I d to Break it Off and Now More Hostility on His Part With a BIG POUT. Your Problem with Each Other is you have Not Really ENDED IT But May Have a SHOT!!! Let God Guide You. m Go Slow. xxoo

[Paris13]

Tanks, Gag. xxoo

[OlderAndWiser]

If he doesn't care whether you move to be with him, that is his way of saying that he does not want you as a long term partner. Of course you aren't getting over him as you still communicate regularly. You need to go no contact and move forward slowly.

Beginning a relationship as LDR gives you a MUCH lower chance of success compared to dating someone who lives close to you. Why did you do that?

[Asker]

Probably, I did not find success dating those around me. I reached the point when I just wanted to match eith, be compatible with and have shared values and goals. So I chose a person who had this, yet lived far away. we decided to close it asap. It took years, but I felt like he stopped wanting it as much, as he just waited and I fought. Eventually, I was still full of hope, but he was tired of waiting.
Plus I gained weight, because I really worked hard to get the money to move. I thought I'd just got in shape once I achieved this goal, and he was really supporting me before. He did it less enthusiastically as I gained weight, and it hurt me. Thats what made me want to break up. I don't doubt his feelings for me, but it did not feel balanced eventually.

[bededazzle]

just one tip. I don't know if someone already said this, but if you want to detach, you should cut ties on social media for sure. otherwise, just being by acceptance. accept where you’re at. is it possible other current factors in it life have made you more vulnerable lately. but yeah please don’t connect on social media if you want to let go.

[LaFemmeFatale_1]

Time heals everything.

Recovery is not a straight line, some days you’ll feel worse some days better. You’ll have your ups and downs.

But don’t underestimate the power of time.

It heals everything.

[IslaTheWitch]

I have a feeling that you didn't really break up. I don't know if it is only from your side or if he also is in this undecided state.

You pointed out a struggle with physical intimacy. Do you think it will magically solve itself? Do you know the reason?

You also mentioned emotional reaction to his words (and believe me, girl, I know EXACTLY what you mean...). But this is also a problem which should be addressed or at least explained and taken care of.

I would say - talk to him personally (not by text) in some neutral place. Ask him about his feelings and impressions. Check if it is only you or both of you.

If you both think about the same, address unsolved problems and let him help you find causes and solutions.

There are two people in the relationship, and both should have the same impact on how the relationship evolves.

[Asker]

He said it was the decision we should have made, after 3 weeks from break up. I don't know what he feels now, but we told to each other that if we want to get back together, we should not do it until January as we both need to process stuff that were creating problems for our relationship. Sticking to this from my side and not having major discussions, while trying to work on myself actively.
Emotionally, I'm still there. But there is no drama: I don't text that much, I don't beg, neither of us is needy, he 'loves' my stories and posts on Instagram and Facebook. He's even more active on my social media as we don't talk anymore. I downloaded tinder, but deleted it as I literally have zero interest in other guys, even the ones I crushed on when I was in a relationship and did nothing. Now I see it's basically nothing, even though they admire my physicality, I thought I lacked this type of attention from my boyfriend, and that's what also added up to the decision. I tried hard to look good for him, but it was not enough.

Right now I feel like we should have tried to improve our sexual life, not to be obsessed about looks or admiration. We should have moved together faster, I just felt exhausted that time to try harder and see uncertainty from his part. This was the deal breaker, and still stays, but I do see it differently now.

So yeah :(

[Asker]

It feels like I broke up with the problem itself, and now I'm making peace with my body and am open to try more.

But I don't feel like I want to lose the person.

[IslaTheWitch]

It looks like you already have a plan. Just prepare for January and see where it will go.

Don't have high expectations. Just enjoy all the little things you experience every day.

[Xoxocutekitty]

You were willing to uproot your life and he couldn't even be excited to have you in the same town as him. I think it's smart you ended things, because his indifference is a big red flag.

I would go no contact for 4 weeks and focus on what you might want in your next relationship (maybe it's with him who knows). It sounds like the last one wasn't working, so you wouldn't want to have the same problem next time right?

[Guido]

It sounds like he is happy with the LDR status and wants to stay that way. Time to move on and look after yourself.

[Cheerfull009]

As you both still love each other, and you have sacrificed loneliness for each other, so I suggest you both to continue your relationship.

[ThrillSeeker01]

Finding someone else is a pretty good distraction

[Asker]

There are currently 3 guys that are trying to get close to me , but still in 'loyalty' mindset to my ex :/ THIS is the barrier, I'm emotionally unavailable at this moment and need to move slowly.

[ThrillSeeker01]

I think you're right.

[zagor]

What are the countries involved?

[Asker]

I'm from post Soviet country (not part of EU yet), he's from France.

[Staximus]

Nevermind all that long distance bullshit

[DreamLife7]

You don't have no choice but to get over it.