Can you give me some advice please?

Question

My ex and I broke up not long ago. He's been giving me lots of stress since the beginning of last year because of things he's been through. We both love each other a lot but he said there are things he has to do and follow his head instead of following heart this time. He said he has to work on himself at the same time, he wants to be with me forever. But while he is working on himself, he can't make me wait.

I really don't understand why we can't compromise and work things out together. I would support him to fix himself and grow... but he is so stubborn with this idea. What should I do?

loveslongnails · Accepted Answer

I said something close to those myself when I was younger, and heard it echoed often enough from other people in relationships. Based on those experiences, I can offer you some retro-perspective on that, keeping in mind that it's strictly subjective and very anecdotal. OK?

" We both love each other a lot" - maybe, but not likely. The one who wants to stay (you) likely loves more than the one who is willing to go (him).

" he said there are things he has to do and follow his head instead of following heart this time." Translation: He's afraid of several things, one being commitment, the other being losing you. He's willing to be broken up which says he's more afraid of commitment than being without you or losing you to his own indecision.

"He said he has to work on himself" - that's the standard line meaning anything from fear to commit to lost interest and anything in between. Men who say "I have to work on myself" are often just saying "this version of MY self doesn't really want to be with YOUR self" ... yet...

"at the same time, he wants to be with me forever." He wants you wait while he runs around a bit more and determines that there's not something better out there.

"But while he is working on himself, he can't make me wait." That's the male attempt to sound heroic and take on blame simultaneously. He recognizes how unfair it would be to ask you to just stick around until he runs his race, so he's being noble and letting you go for your own good.

Does any of this sound plausible to you?

NoOneEver · Accepted Answer

I think it’s a way of trying to break up nicely and more kindly to you..

Or he really does have conflicting emotions..

In other words he can never achieve what he needs to achieve while he’s with you.. maybe because you’re too kind to him or soft on him.. or maybe because you’re too much of a distraction and he’ll always choose you over the goals he needs to accomplish in order to be his better self..

Either way the best thing you could do for yourself and for him, is to give him space.. I don't know about giving up on him completely.. if you want to wait you can, but you might be disappointed in the results if you spend all that time waiting and he finds someone new.. while you yourself were just missing out on those same kind of opportunities with someone that he himself took advantage of…

Really it’s a gamble what path you’ll take.. waiting can pay off, but it can also end up with its devastating losses…

And if you’re to consider the odds.. they are better with you moving on and finding someone new than expecting someone who is choosing to end it with you to come back for anything other than when it conveniences them… Either way you’re not being made a priority.. he’s making himself the priority and not the relationship that you two cultivated together..

bobalife · Accepted Answer

It’s really hard, but if you really care about him… you gotta respect what he’s asking and his boundary. It doesn’t sound like he wants or is ready for a relationship. I think he only wanna focus on himself whatever that may be (hopefully it’s not an excuse). He’s right, you can’t and shouldn’t wait on him if he’s not ready nor want to commit… you just gotta come from a good place of love and understanding for where he stand… and give love and respect for yourself that you want a committed relationship and it’s not here right now. Either you casually talk and see if he will come around while you see others and do you. Or move on and do you. I don’t like these situations either. I understand it’s tough and heart breaking, but you both deserve to feel at peace with yourself and happiness : (

Autumnfall27 · Accepted Answer

You can’t force him to be with you. During this time he told you flat out that he is incapable of loving you properly. He feels like he needs to walk this road alone. Some people feel that way. And if he’s religious he may feel like he needs to find God and he can only do that himself. He doesn’t feel like you can do anything to help him. He doesn’t want to compromise. While he’s finding himself he will come back if it’s destined. He is trying to find his own happiness within himself first. He doesn’t want it dependent upon you. You need to move on.

Bethany22 · Answer

Maybe you finding another guy to go out with is the only way to get him to realize how important you are to him.

Flatmanlewis · Answer

Sheila Lana hit this right on the bullseye. Read her advice a second time.

I think WHAT he’s working on matters a lot too. If the guy is working on some wartime PTSD or perhaps some deep seated trauma in order to clean out his mind & heart to make room for a healthy relationship- it may very well be worth the wait if he’s a good man. Talk openly, understand admitting weakness and fear can be worse than the thing itself for a man - particularly to their woman - and be supportive.

If he’s stuck in some ambiguous mental rut and having difficulty making the transition into manhood from boyhood, his fantasy football league is stressing him out, and his garage band dreams aren’t panning out then maybe he’s just seeking out hollow excuses to try and find something else to pseudo-blame for his inability to be comfortable in a long term relationship. Long term relationships tend to bring a lot of responsibilities such as homesC children, finances, and daily accountability. I only offer this because I’ve seen it before in younger male teammates.

lightbulb27 · Answer

Because he's an introvert and he is not comfortable being vulnerable in an intimate relationship.

Imagine then you had a flesh would... would you be comfortable with someone sticking their finger in it? Guys are trained to be hard and not show emotion, not be vulnerable... for if they do, they get physically and emotionally abused. If didn't happen in his lifetime, it's happened over millenia. Girls participated in all that training and continue to do so. But they of course, due to how we connect, desire and even require emotional connection and vulnerability for security.

So it's a conflict.

So the answer is, yes maybe you can, but it will take some doing... patience and work. If you get in there and start Fing with him, they just be ready for "the bomb to go off" if you push too hard... for if he stuck his finger in your open wound, I doubt you'd maintain your cool either.

HighlyQuestionable · Answer

I don't get this question, because there is an apparent contradiction. he either wants to be with you forever or he doesn't.

You seem to be very tolerant and loving as evinced by your willingness to work things out together.

I would feel terrible if I foisted to much/many of my problems on a girlfriend (if I had one).

I am perhaps not in a position to say this, but I should think it possible for him to "work on himself" and simultaneously spend time with you.

But I do not know him, and I am single.

Justagoodude6769 · Answer

Sorry to hear your struggling with this situation. just being honest so sounds like he's probably wanting to pursue something else to me meaning someone else more then likely , I'm just sayin. Just don't give hime the satisfaction of even letting him see that this hurts you inside just take it as a sign girl and count your blessings no harm no foul... Know your worth and never accept less than that. Don't worry you'll find a good man sweetheart he will show himself to you when you least expect it pray for a good man. I mean actually proffess it to god to send you a good hardworking loyal man to call yours. He will hear you speak from the heart.

Well I hope the rest of your day is blessed stay strong you got this sorry to be something you probably didn't want to hear but if he cared that much about you he wouldn't wanna take the risk in losing you period.

FreyaRed · Answer

"We both love each other..."

It sounds like one way street from your context. It's mostly one way street because if you love others don't love you, they start to love you when they lose your love. This is the stupid human nature

Screenwriter · Answer

There is nothing you CAN do. He's been very clear about what he wants and he's made his choice.

Love does not solve all problems. He does not WANT to compromise. He is doing it HIS way, and that's all there is to it.

Accept his idea and move on. Maybe you'll find each other later, maybe you'll find someone else. RIght now, grieve the loss and move forward with your life.

2_beHappy · Answer

Let him work on himself. I suggest you to do the same , If you need it, and get out of that relationship, because it s not healthy , trust me. Find another man, for whom you don t have to wait. And remember, he doesn't know what he has in front of his eyes.

sheikalana · Answer

Dear, sometimes is just best if you let each other go even if you love each other deeply. Love isn't enough to keep a relationship as you can see. And you can't help and support someone who doesn't want to be helped and is not willing to work on things together. I feel like keeping in touch is more hurtful than cutting contact and move on. Hope you make a decision soon.

DreamLife7 · Answer

Why are u speaking for him? He doesn't like you. You're assuming he loves u. A lot of times men will give a girl hell intentionally so the girl could break up with them. That way it relieves them of the dirty work.

What do u mean ," what do I do?" The fact u have no other options as far as men tells me you're ugly and he takes advantage of that

ClaircognizantEmpath · Answer

hi, let him go, he is of no use to you in his current mind state... it will do you no good to hang on in here... start to re build your life and my advice he is not working on himself to BE with you FOREVER... otherwise he would do it by your side...

BasedBaeBecca · Answer

Move on. Stop talking to him in the meantime and he will miss you, and if he doesn't go back to you in let's say a few months then it is time to move on. You want someone who wants to be with you and not "working on himself".

HardInBama · Answer

If he doesn't want you at his lowest... its gonna be a bumpy ride.. There isn't a lot to look for in a man that will tell you his plan for the future. If you notice he's still making time for you and staying consistent, then its a good sign. Faith in him starts with faith in you mama's🙏❤️

Vegasrunner · Answer

He's stubborn for sharing the truth with you? TBH sounds like he dodged a bullet and hopefully he can find the caliber of women that deserves him.

OtterMan68 · Answer

Ask him to go to couple's therapy. If he refuses, he hasn't changed and all of that "working on myself" stuff is just an excuse for what seems like conflicted feelings he's not willing to sort out with any help.

Billlewis · Answer

Continue to correspond with him, and hopefully he'll get whatever he needs to take care of taken care of and then you can continue your relationship.

HelpfulWoman · Answer

A decent partner wouldn't be making you stress for nearly 2 years... keep it ended and move on already

spartan55 · Answer

Anyone who pulls the 'work on themselves' card is full of shit.

KittygosMeoWW · Answer

Never let a man tell you twice he doesn’t want you or can’t make things fit for you. You will end up wasting time.

HighSky · Answer

You're talking behind his back, why don't you say this directly to his face? If you cannot then you're nothing but a coward.

Can you give me some advice please?

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