How to explain to guys I’m dating why my ex doesn’t see his children anymore?

[Finfin1981]

Without being judged or blamed.. which seems impossible.. anyone got any insights..

it feels like the woman is always blamed.. 🤔🥲

[boggboss]

Depends on the reason no if u say I don't let him see them because I don't like him most would blame you if it'd for a legitimate reason how can u be blamed apart from sleeping with him but at that point it's hindsight anyway

[Finfin1981]

Yes hindsight is a wonderful thing right 😅🤣

[Finfin1981]

Well he seems a bit judgmental as he said something like ‘well I don’t like my ex but we get on for the sake of the child’ if only 🥹

[boggboss]

If they don't want to see them that should be reason enough no how can u be judged on them not wanting to see him

[boggboss]

But u getting on with him has nothing to do with your kids not wanting to see him

[Finfin1981]

Yes agree.. but he’s disappeared anyway. Always tried to get on with him but not that easy 🥲🤦🏻‍♀️

[boggboss]

Sounds like a idiot

[Anonymous]

Please explain why he isn’t seeing his kids.

[Finfin1981]

Because he stopped contacting them about 2 years ago when they were crying about going to his house.. I don’t think he was particularly nice to them

[Opinion Owner]

So that’s all that happened? Were you married to him?

[Finfin1981]

Yes I was married to him for only 2 years and got out quickly as he was abusive and has access to all bank accounts and stole everything. Have been wary ever since and just concentrated on looking after my kids

[Opinion Owner]

I’d just say be honest w these men. They’re either going to accept it or not. No sugar coating something like that.

[Finfin1981]

Yeah you are right thanks

[Opinion Owner]

I hope something works out for you.

[Finfin1981]

Thank you 🙏 me too 😊

[Opinion Owner]

Are you currently dating a couple men?

[Finfin1981]

I’m talking to a couple but not dating there’s only one I’m interested in and I’ll meet up with him in April

[Opinion Owner]

I see. But he’s interested in you yes? Does he know about your kids?

[Finfin1981]

Yes he’s met them and I’ve met his child too as he has also been divorced.. he’s one of the ones asking loads of questions.. ironically

[Opinion Owner]

What kinds of questions?

[Finfin1981]

So.. why doesn’t your ex see the kids anymore
When was your last relationship
Why haven’t you met anyone else?
How long did it take you to get out of your marriage?
Do your kids not need a father figure?
Where would you meet someone else if you wanted to (think he was checking to see if I internet date )
When do I have time for myself if the kids are with me all the time?
Stuff like that …
Bearing in mind we have been through this stuff before
Then he will say things like at least you got out of your marriage fast and you haven’t got 4 kids by 4 different men
Things like this …

[Opinion Owner]

Sounds like he’s trying to figure out if this is a relationship worth getting into.

[Finfin1981]

Yeah I think so … hmmm 🤔
He’s digging a lot

[Finfin1981]

Might be better off just staying as friends possibly as haven’t heard from him since this latest ‘digging’ phone conversation 🤦🏻‍♀️🤣

[Opinion Owner]

Well from a man’s POV there’s a lot more I believe on him in getting involved w someone who has kids.

[Finfin1981]

He’s got a kid too and an ex he’s doesn’t like

[Opinion Owner]

True. But he has to protect you physically speaking as well as your kid. He has to provide for the both of you. Because you’re not going to be happy if he came home w food from a restaurant for just you and him. Will you let him discipline your child?

[Finfin1981]

Yeah I see what you mean.. to be fair that’s a long way off as we don’t live close.. and I’m perfectly financially stable as he is aware. Yes I’d let him discipline if needed..

[Opinion Owner]

I k ow this because I myself met a single mom, been w her for 15 years. So yes there was a lot of hurdles to go through. That’s why I say there’s more on the man as far as coming into this situation. I had my son when we met, I never asked her to take care of him or provide for him or things like that. My brother and I did that. I’m not saying she didn’t cook for him or things like that, I just never expected her to.

[Finfin1981]

Ok thank you I really appreciate you taking the time to share this with me and give me another perspective which I hadn’t really thought about…. Possibly why he was asking about who the male role models were in my girls lives … he’s definitely thinking everything through I think and there was me enjoying some texting banter 🤣🤣

[Opinion Owner]

Yes. You may think things are equal when it comes to a man goin into a relationship w a single father vs a single dad. While I may be wrong I tend to think single fathers do better w their children, maybe because there’s not so many emotions involved. A lot of times the women seem overwhelmed by work, raising a child on their own, etc. So a lot of times a woman is looking for help, yes she wants a partner too but I think she’s looking more for help. When I met my girl there was a lot of questions on my mind? Why isn’t your ex seeing the kids? Is it because you changed him off and tried to make him look bad the way a lot of women do to men? Is he going to make problems for us or is he ok w you being w someone else? Am I going to possibly end up having to fight him if he comes at me? What is my role in these kids life, especially if he disappoints them? Will you kids like or dislike me? If so why? Did dad tell them something about mom being w other men? Do I have authority over the kids to discipline them? Because if you’re going to expect me to put my life on the line for not just you but your kids as well should someone break into the house, why wouldn’t I have that kind of authority? As to why you haven’t met someone else. Is it because you’re just a difficult person? Have masculine traits that men don’t like? How long did it take you to get over your marriage? Meaning do you still have feelings for him? Maybe he divorced her but she wasn’t ready to let go. So is there a chance if things go south w us like a lot of relationships are you going to be calling him up? When do you have time for yourself me sing are we going to have time alone? What if you get sick, can’t get the kids from school. Am I expected to pick them up? There’s a lot to think about

[Finfin1981]

Well as I say realistically this is a pipe dream as he lives nowhere near me so some of the above are irrelevant for the moment. However I see that you have taken your responsibilities meeting a single mom very seuousiy and I take my hat off to you.
I divorced 9 years ago and was badly burned met a con man who emptied my bank accounts and wasn’t a good guy disinterested in the kids and I’ve been very wary since.. I have had relationships with a couple of people in the last 9 years but they wanted something more serious that I couldn’t give at the time.. and I’m still very scared of making the same mistake.. my grandad told me not to marry the guy a few days before the wedding and I went ahead and did it anyway 🫤 very difficult person and ivr been building my life up ever since.. my time is taken up running a business and being a full time mum and I guess that’s a red flag for a guy because as you say they will be wondering how to make time for them..
actually Witt this guy is have to plan to see him on weekend trips anyway as he’s a plane ride away
So that’s why I’m single.. per se my friends say I’m a catch but I’ve begun very happy being single but do like this person so feel like I’d want to see how things progress regardless of the distance but that decision isn’t just in my hands unfortunately 🤔🥲 x

[Opinion Owner]

I can understand that. Yes it would be hard to make time for a man w children as well as running a business. A lot of men don’t sit well w masculine women either, which is usually what is required to run a business. Am I correct in assuming you’re the one on the left in your pic?

[Finfin1981]

Yes that’s me I’m not very masculine to be fair I’m very girly actually

[Opinion Owner]

Cute. Hopefully someone will scoop you up or you’ll scoop someone up who will treat you and your kids great.

[Opinion Owner]

You know I thought about it too. The kids of course are a very big part of this whole potential relationship, so he needs to know how will they feel about him? Will they not like him cause he took mommy away from us. I read that one man said his stepdaughter accused him of SA because they got married or something. Turns out she was lying now he’s wondering do I stay around or leave.

[Finfin1981]

Thanks very much and again really appreciate you taking your time to give me another perspective. It’s very helpful x

[Opinion Owner]

I hope you don’t mind I just “followed” you. I’d like to know how things workout for you.

[Jennz6]

Of course we are

[jahaims]

With words