Boyfriends ex won't let me meet his kids?

[Anonymous]

I've been with my boyfriend for 14 months. It's a serious relationship. He sees his two daughters from a previous relationship twice a week and then every other weekend when they stay with him at his dads. Him and his ex split up over three years ago- she cheated on him and stayed with the guy for a few months. That didn't work out and she is now by herself. The problem is she bad mouths me to his daughters who are 10 and 17 and won't let them meet me. She doesn't know me and whenever her and my boyfriend communicate it ends in a argument. He pays maintenance each month and provides for them. I don't know what to do. I'm finding the situation hard. I don't go to family celebrations for fear if upsetting the kids or it getting back to his ex and causing trouble with the kids. Any advice would be great

[Zendrya]

Well this is from the side of the child who's parents have been divorced since she was 3. Sometimes it's honestly easier on the children. My mom remarried when I was like 7-8 years old and my dad remarried around the same time. My dad only had 1 girlfriend in that time and I only met a few of my mothers boyfriends. My dad and my stepmom separated in 2012 and my dad is back to dating. I've given up getting close to anyone he dates until there shows real potential of them lasting because honestly it is so hard getting used to having someone around and then have them go away. Umm... after 14 months I see no reason for her not to let you see them, especially the 17 year old because she won't get attached. The 10 year old though may get attached so I would only pursue the problem if you really plan on sticking around. Your boyfriend and his daughters mother's relationship seem much like my parents... not good. Therefore the relationship between my mom and my step mom was never good. I would try and talk to the mother maybe and explain yourself but expect the possibility of an unfriendly conversation on her behalf... If that doesn't work then eventually your boyfriend is going to have to step up and do something about it if it bugs you this much... I hope seeing from the child's side has helped in some way. Good luck.

[Zendrya]

oh and I just read that you have 2 children of your own. My dad has dated women with children as well and depending on their age and how close it is to the other woman's children could play an effect because not only could her kids become attached to you but to your children also, from experience that can be hard.

[lumos]

Honestly, a little over a year actually isn't all that much. And I don't blame her for not wanting her kids to get in contact with you for whatever reason. I probably wouldn't want that either. Sure, your intentions aren't to play their new mommy or whatever, but you never know with kids. They might become more attached than you think, at least the younger one. And considering that his ex doesn't seem to like the two of you, I don't think it's all too weird that she doesn't want her kids to socialize with you more than necessary.
If the tables were turned, would you happily let her meet your kids without any problem at all? Because I kind of doubt that.
You have nothing to do with their kids except the fact that you're together with their father. That doesn't magically mean that you're relevant to their situation/picture that they've got going on. Meeting his kids is not essential. At least not now. Maybe a few years down the road when they're grown up, but for the time being you should probably just stay back to not cause any further drama.

[Anonymous]

To be fair, they are HER kids. She doesn't HAVE to let you meet them if she doesn't want you to.

My guess is the kids don't care you're their dad's girlfriend. They probably would be perfectly civil and polite to you if you did meet... but they're minors and until that 17 year old turns 18 the mom gets to decide.

My guess is there's still bad blood between your boyfriend and her and if I were you I would do my best to stay the hell out of it.

I don't have much advice for you but it sounds like what you've been doing - as tough as it is for you - is working.

And I didn't know 14 months was considered a long time to adults. Heck, I've been with my boyfriend for almost 3 years and I don't consider it a long time lol.

[ToughNWeak]

Honestly, I kind of don't blame her. There is nothing worse than having someone get close to your kids who may not be around for good and having them get attached to you. Be patient and understanding and you'll come out the winner.

[EmeraldSky]

I honestly don't blame her. I'm a virgin who's never even had children so I've never been in that particular situation. Yet, I totally understand where she's coming from. You have no right to be playing mommy to her kids. The kids that she carried in her womb for nine months and jeopardized her life giving birth to. Regardless of how wrong she was to cheat, those are her children at the end of the day and it's not very fair for some other woman to replace her in the 'family picture'. I realize that you probably want to meet the kids seeing as they are apart of your boyfriend's life, but you really have no business at all meeting them and being around them.

[Asker]

I have two children of my own so I know what it's like. I'm not trying to play mum to them or "replace" her I. Any way. I'd just like to meet them and get to know them

[Arwens-Fire]

This is a messy situation. But you should have also considered all of the chess pieces before entering the game. There isn't much you can do. I know that some woman do not want their kids being exposed to other women being around when they are not there. Also, his babies momma is probably also just doing it out of spite. This is what you unknowingly signed on for. And its up to you whether you want to tolerate it.

You can either, have a sit down with your boyfriend and his ex and hash it out, OR you can walk. I don't see any other solution. This situation sounds like an episode of Teen Mom 2. Anyway, good luck!

[questioner1991]

She is probably just doing this out of jealousy. Y'all have been together a long time so it's not like your some random girl. I would never do what she is doing unless the dad was with random girls or the gf was a bad person. Assuming you are a decent person, she is prob saying bad stuff to her kids to get them on her side so they will be less likely to look as you as mom even if that's not what you want. It's very childish.

[Anonymous]

This is all on your boyfriend! He's allowing this to be.