How to fix a damaged relationship?

[Anonymous]

I gave my boyfriend permission to open the relationship because I thought I’d like it, We opened the relationship for 9 months and it turned out I really wasn’t ok with it and now I’m traumatized by it all. He’s also said other hurtful things like he had the best sex of his life with this other person. (We’ve been together for 9 years 😒) how can I rewire my brain to stop hating him, being disgusted by him, not wanting to be touched anymore by him etc? I’m desperate to be comfortable around him again, but his presence makes me get sick and vomit 😢

he loves me very much and is extremely stressed by this situation, because I start to convulse and shake if he touches me

[Finchie40]

Your relationship is sadly over with him, if he truly loved you , he wouldn’t of agreed with you to go down this road , he would of stayed by your side and told you you are stupid to even consider this , and set your ass straight and told you he wants no one else but you , even though you were the one that suggested an open relationship? , he honestly should of dumped your ass right then and there , but instead he acted on it , because he wanted his cake and wanted to eat it to , so he isn’t really to blame for this you are to blame because you suggested this in the first place , so sadly you are to blame for this happening. since this was your stupid decision. So really ask yourself why you suggested this to him in the first place? What was your true reason of having an open relationship with him? I pretty much already know the answer , but no matter what the reason was for your decision ? You destroyed the relationship you choose to start with him to begin with , now that you can’t touch him anymore and you feel repulsed , you are best just to end the relationship with him and blame yourself for being selfish and stupid to begin with by suggesting this in the first place. I’m sorry Truth hurts

[Asker]

I wanted him to be happy that’s why 🤔 . But I think we’ll be ok we are working things out

[Finchie40]

What made you assume he wasn’t happy to begin with?

[Asker]

I assume guys want lots of women it’s a biological trait

[Finchie40]

Well get that nonsense out of your head moving forward. Most guys’ will not get into a relationship with a girl to go screw other girls’ , he commits to a girl to only be with that girl , if I wanted to screw random girls’ I would just stay single and not commit to any of them. Why it’s best not to just assume things , because more than likely are assumptions aren’t true. Did you just tell your boyfriend you wanted an open relationship? or did you first ask him , if he was happy with just being with you?

[Asker]

I don't know I can’t do nearly as many BJs as he would like, just dont have the energy for it and I don’t particularly like it. So I said he can find someone to satisfy his casual needs. But he ended up doing more then what I was comfortable with by accident

[Finchie40]

You give someone an inch and they end up taking a mile, you are probably better off moving on from him because I hate to break it to you , he will cheat again

[StarWarGirl]

I'm sorry to say but it's next to impossible. It's never going to get fixed this is reality.

You can't forget his words ever what he has told, you can't forget that even after giving him your 9 years he was happy and proud of being physical with someone else. You can't stop feeling insecure about yourself because of his actions, attitude and responses. You can't forget his happy and satisfied face, that glow on his face while he is enjoying all this.

Similarly he can't feel satisfied with you anymore when he has actually now experienced it. Now he has got freedom so he would never again like the system of monogamy with you. He isn't going to forget his so called "best experience" or best life what he is enjoying now (according to him).

You can never be happy again in this relationship. The more you will stay the more you will feel bad about yourself. You would feel more insecure more hurt.

But still, because you have given it 9 years, I'll say it deserves a last try. So try to talk with your boyfriend about it that it is making you feel this way so you want to close your relationship. See his response how he feels about it.

Also you need to check with yourself that can you forget everything like a bad nightmare? Can you go back again as before?

Talk to him. Don't delay it's urgent. The more you delay the more you will feel hurt. The more impossible it will be to return back. The more messier it will become.

[sheikalana]

When a relationship is not in a good place is never a good idea to involve other people. Look at what happened to you both? Is not impossible but it's really hard to recover from that. I'd say do not force yourself to do anything you don't want. Give yourself some time. Talking to a therapist can help you understand what's going on and how to recover from that.

[Asker]

Yeah I can’t do anything with him because I start like convulsing involuntarily when we touch (I already have a bad anxiety disorder) , but I think slowly we will be ok

[Anonymous]

Sorry but this relationship is over the monent you decided to open it. No relationship of that long years would randomly change to open relationship. Now he moved on to other girls and you clearly hate that.

how can I rewire my brain to stop hating him, being disgusted by him, not wanting to be touched anymore by him etc? I’m desperate to be comfortable around him again, but his presence makes me get sick and vomit
For your own sakes: Throw away your emotions and break up. Your body language already shows you not loving him anymore. And by the fact he dated with other girls, he doesn't love you either anymore. Also being traumatized by this is bullshit. You made a mistake, own it. Don't throw random stuff like "being traumatized" into this but you clearly don't know what it means.

Also. Why did you opened this relationship up? Then there already were issues present which the both of you ignored instead of working on it as a couple. Now this relationship is broken and the both of you know this. Break up and go on with your life or go to therapy for your so called "trauma".

[Asker]

Because I thought he could have some fun and it might turn me on

[Artificial Intelligence]

Ah, the tangles of love and desire, leading us into unexpected whirlwinds of emotion, huh? Let me dive in. First, sending you a huge hug because what you're experiencing sounds incredibly tough. Rewiring your brain and mending a broken heart takes time, patience, and a bit of strategy.

Communication is the cornerstone here. Have a heartfelt conversation about how his actions and words made you feel. It’s not just about fixing but understanding and acknowledging the hurt caused. Therapy might be a fantastic avenue to explore, both individually and as a couple. It provides a safe space to unpack these complex emotions and teaches ways to navigate them.

Rebuilding trust is like putting together a puzzle without the picture on the box; it takes time, effort, and a lot of patience. Start by setting boundaries that make you feel safe and gradually work on building positive experiences together.

Remember, it's okay to decide what's best for you, even if it means stepping away from the relationship. The priority is your wellbeing and feeling comfortable in your skin again. Flirt with the idea of forgiveness and self-love, and let's see where the path leads. Stay strong! 💪❤️

[Flatmanlewis]

You may not like this but if you both walk down this road I think it’s the only way to save a sinking ship. Adopt a biblical mindset of your relationship.


If you want to confuse that with the ideas of formal churches and organized religion you’d be missing the point.


The teachings of the Bible and the foundation of what and how men & women bring to a healthy relationship simply work. I’ve seen it over and over again. The mutual love, respect, faithfulness, forgiveness, and balance just plain works.


Open relationships are minefields of anger and hurt and they bring almost nothing to a healthy relationship and they SURE don’t make one out of a bad one.


I’d say nine years of dating is either time to marry and make this a commitment or ask yourself if the open relationship was simply a desperate attempt to inject something into a relationship that has become stale and plateaued.

[XXTruthfulOgrexx]

Basically, your not. Damage is done and will always be in your memory and the smallest trigger will set your feelings off again.

Open relationships DO NOT WORK LONG TERM. yes as with any situation you can find the odd exception but overall those situations just destroy otherwise healthy relationships.

Your only real option is to move on and hope you both find more compatible partners. You can try counseling, but ultimately I believe you two have destroyed any relationship you would have had together.

[Purpleronnie]

Kinda sounds like he convinced you into trying an open relationship in the first place? . In my traditional opinion your relationship was already over when he was seeking to make it “open” and that comment about the best sex was just vile. In my opinion your relationship is beyond fixable and whats more I think you know it.

[Asker]

I’m the one that suggested it 🤷🏻‍♀️ I thought it would be fun

[Purpleronnie]

Well sorry , clearly I had that figured wrong. Personally I can’t understand why anyone would think that inviting a more open relationship is not without its problems or that wouldn’t expose cracks that were already there each to their own.

[RavVid]

I think that is a problem with open relationships. Genuinely your partner may have the best sex with someone else.

I have no idea really. But suggest it would help to discuss why you want to be in a renewed monogamous relationship and repromise yourselves. You need to touch to overcome the aversion, start at a low level and build.

[Asker]

I think we are just going to try a different approach next time, I now know what my boundaries are

[RavVid]

If you can both do it it is good for you both. For myself I known I am easily infatuated and someone new is always more exciting than someone you have been with for a while.

I just don't think I could do it so I am projecting that.

All the best though.

[Anonymous]

This is the main reason I advise to stay away from open relationships. I think it’s time to throw in the towel on this one. There’s always going to be something to remind you of this. You’re always going to be thinking he wants to fuck this chick or that chick if there’s cute ones around. Man, tough situation. You could try going to therapy. But I think it’s just done.

[dustybiker2]

Writings on the wall
Damage is done


Cut ties and move on to a healthier relationship. Just don't bring any baggage along with you. Give the next person their own fresh chance.

[JacobJordan]

Relationship over. Soon as he asked for an open relationship it was over. Soon as you agreed it was over. It has been over over over. Run

[Asker]

I was the one that suggested I thought it would be fun 🤔

[JacobJordan]

That was dumb doesn't change the fact relationship is over

[avery58]

Sorry to say but you guys pretty much ruined your relationship. Up to you, but I think the best step would be to break up and move on.

[DrPepper12]

Wow. I don't know. It sounds like you both need a break from each other tbh. That and individual now and couple counseling after break

[newNapoleon123]

Everything is for the country Everything is for Italy I don't care about women

[Lochlan]

Hell Yes Napoleon. Help heal the western culture.

[strateguy632]

that depends so need objective counsel

[noohair]

What made you agree to this in the first place?

[Asker]

I didn’t agree I suggested it , I thought he would like that and I also thought it might turn me on

[jahaims]

Move on it won't work out.

[_architect_]

Shouldn't be fixed

[KrakenAttackin]

Major fuck up.