Relationship advice?

[Illusionist101]

Hi everyone,

I am a former user of GAG. It’s been like a decade since I’ve been on here but here I am. So basically me and my partner have been together for 10 months. We both love each other. The love with him is so intense Romantically- emotional connection and when we fight it’s just as intense. Basically a bit of background information, I’ve been burned emotionally/physically and it’s really taken a toll on my outlook of relationships. So I’m really scared and fight over little things! His been so patient with me. Any small thing I want to leave. Not because I question my feelings but because I am so scared!

Anyway, we still went on trying. I’ve becoming emotionally unstable and lashing out over things. It’s not entirely my fault though, his also doing things that I don’t like. In an argument I feel he doesn’t take accountability for his actions until afterwards when peace is mending but then he brings it up in a fight blaming me entirely! He really feels I don’t love him, and I really do and he feels I do everything to make him run away but I don’t intentionally. I’m good at heart, but I can’t make him understand how emotionally damaged I am and he really needs to take accountability for his actions and not temporarily either. I try to explain to him that I’m scared and really my mental health is concerning me because I have been feeling all these emotions which I don’t understand myself and I don’t know how to deal with it. He wants to help me but we can’t even fix us entirely because we argue a lot. We are taking a breather..

I am going to seek a physiologists. Also, he has betrayed my trust 6 months into relationship talking to girls. I was keeping options for the first 3 months in and he found out. I stopped. And ever since then I am trying to trust him but it takes a lot of effort. I kept options opened becoz my past relationships have been hard me I don’t like dedicating all my time like before so soon. Raw and honest advice please

[Anonymous]

I would suggest that you both have problems and you aren't going to be able to fix anything all the time that the situation is being framed as 'you are the one with the problem and he is helping you'.

I would put strong money down that both of you would benefit and your relationship would subsequently benefit if you each tried to develop self love and validation, because that is almost always the problem.

Most people are broken in one way or another and actually changing things can be extremely difficult but if you can at least get to know what you are each really like, for and within yourselves more so than knowing each other it will be easier to see the patterns and understand what is happening and why it is happening etc but it does require you both to be able to be open and honest with both yourselves and with each other.

Sadly the saying that you have to love yourself before anyone else can love you is true.

Also, you say your feelings are intense and arguments are intense etc, this could be a result of 'enmeshment' which i suggest you look up along with other resources regarding self love and acceptance etc.

[Illusionist101]

Thank you much. I appreciate your time and response.

[boggboss]

By what u wrote here its clear u are not ready to be in a relationship u are still too broken I understand you want him to take accountability for his actions but you are shrugging off accountability for what u are doing because off whats happened in the past thats not fair yes you may feel its not your fault but you are the one still doing and acting how u are which is straining the relationship even to the point where u say he was talking to other girls yet u was keeping your options open but then justify as to why thats not being accountable

[Illusionist101]

Thank you

[SueShe]

The essence of a relation is in communication.

If you feel that the situation is tense, why don't you make a list of topics you feel both of you have an issue and besides each item, you bring a reply that you think would help the situation. Then ask him to do a similar list and also to write down how he sees improvement.

Then you sit together and attempt to find a consensus, bearing in mind that none of you should be angry or upset. That would falsify the outcome and rather than to help, this would only make things worse. Also, trying to impose one's view onto the other is not the right solution because the one or the other is under pressure to act on that imposition. Good luck.

[Illusionist101]

Thank you

[Anonymous]

You’re not ready for a relationship right now. You need to be stable before you get into a relationship, not get into one and hope that somehow while you’re still neurotic that things will magically be healthy between you two and improve. Kudos on going to the psychologist, but honestly, no wonder he’s talking to other girls. He probably gets sick of all the arguing and needs a breather. You’ve also not given enough specific examples for me to examine whether the arguments are your or his fault. My advice is advice I’m sure you won’t take, but I’d suggest not being a girlfriend to anyone until you stable yourself out and deal with your trust issues.

[Finchie40]

It sounds like you need to take a break from relationships for your well being , By you 2 fighting like you do is not going to get any better , you both have to many resentments towards each other so you are best to just end that relationship and focus on getting yourself better , when fighting comes down to blaming each other over and over again then it’s best to walk away , you aren’t going To change and he isn’t going to change , you are both toxic to each other so it’s best to walk away and focus on yourself before getting into another relationship

[Illusionist101]

Thank you

[In_Trance]

Dump him