Have you ever been damaged by someone? How did you get over it?

[Alyssa11]

And how did you get over it?

I still think I’m deeply emotionally damaged from someone in the past. I can see it in all aspects of my other relationships and I just don’t know how to fix it... wondering if anyone has a similar experience.

Updates

+1 y

Thank you guys for sharing some of your experiences, it helps when you can relate to other people. Wish I could give you all hugs!!!

[Anonymous]

Stay strong Alyssa, it's normal to feel like this and you will get through it when you meet the right person.

You're smart, Ambitious, and have your unique mood.

Don't let people affect.

I know that you think about the past a lot and that your friends aren't there for you most of the time.

But guess what, you don't need them because you're independent woman and people around don't get that.

You work hard and good, you take of yourself and you love your family.

You should be proud of yourself to an extent that you should be selfish and to not care about the past.

You're a one in a million.

As for men, sometimes it needs a bit more work because you're not living in a Muslim country but you will get what God wrote for you be patient.

[Alyssa11]

Damn thank you!!!

[Opinion Owner]

Would you date someone on this app?
Or
It's not your thing?

[Alyssa11]

Ummm I’m not sure I don’t really know anyone like that on this app

[Opinion Owner]

I see, will I freaking like you.

[Alyssa11]

Lol what do you mean?

[Opinion Owner]

I meant "well" lol

All I wanted to say it that I like you, you're my type.

[Opinion Owner]

You're a medicine for my sickness and you a compressor for my fever😂😂

[Alyssa11]

loool you're so smooth I love it

[That_Incel_Dude]

Do You see all the love on this question for you, that should cover the damages of the person who did you wrong.

[Alyssa11]

Aw so true!!!

[mrfoox]

Absolutely. Been damaged by my family to such a deep level it have shaped me as a person and ruined my view of myself and the world.

I'm sure I can go deeply into this, but I'll try to keep it short.

I've been mentally and physically abused by my older brothers (6 + 11 years older than me) from as early as 3-4 til about 10. Before I even was able to form an own image of myself and who I was, I was told I was stupid, ugly, fat and useless. And being told that over and over as early as you can remember really damages your self worth.

Doesn't help that I can't really blame my brothers either. Because we all shared an emotionally absent father and no good male role model around us. They just used me as an punching bag for their pent up emotions and our mother (who I love, very much) just saw this as friendly sibling fighting. Even though it was always me crying and never fighting back. I don't think she understood how much it damaged me and probably think nothing of it.

So this whole situation have also given me bad trust issues, especially when it comes to men. I have worked on this and have definitely improved but I still and probably won't ever stop being on guard and always ready for an unknown man to want me something bad

So that's i guess my bad story on the topic. It's sad so many people have been hurt badly by others. But for whatever bad one get from things, I think it also brings some good. Helps us grow in ways. Still, I hope you can find some healing from your past damaging relationships, you deserve to be treated well ♥

[PeacefulRainDrop]

You deserve healing and to be treated well as well.. when people call you negative things like ugly say to yourself they wouldn't know beauty if they saw it.. im beautiful inside and out.. more you say it when you struggle to believe it the more you will see it become your reality

[jennifer_bloom]

I had a lot of verbal abuse from both family members and it’s led to all kinds of mental problems and emotional scarring. I had histrionic personality disorder for over over 20 years which is a disorder where you constantly need and require attention from others. I’m lucky that God helped me recover from a lot of my issues, including my histrionic disorder. My goal now is to go to Heaven after I die and to have enough money to eat healthy meals and keep my home clean and in working order and enough time to socialize with people.

[msbrightness]

Good goals. It helps greatly to keep it simple - good food, exercise/physical movement, beautiful nature to see (when people get ugly - and many really are exceptionally ugly - if they were cows and that bad, they'd be slaughtered without a second thought)

[Angelina25]

Emotionally I find myself incapable of ever trusting into having a best friend. I guess the word has lost its meaning for me. I had one in high school. We were best friends for 4 years and then that went down into the drain so now yeah I don't have one. Even if someone calls me their best friend I can never trust them enough for them to be mine. You get me?

[Alyssa11]

I get you. I had a best friend since i was like 14 and she did me really dirty twice. Massively hurt from her and I don't know if i can trust again like that

[Angelina25]

Sometimes I think that the friendship breakups are the worst. Worse than romantic ones.

[msbrightness]

The trust breaking is the bit that hurts. The romance, less so.

[Sonorous]

https://voca.ro/15d3HEMAOflY

[ohshee]

Of course so, but only one time I refuse to be hurt by somebody and then dwell on it carried around with me it hurt everyday I refuse to it would hurt me one time. If you think about it it's our choice on how long you want to hurt. If you think about what has happened to you you hurt you hurt each and every day until the day you accepted once you accept it and start moving on things change for you well it is what it is it sounds called but it is what it is I accepted and I'm not going to let that person keep hurting me and if you think about it you're just hurting yourself by allowing it to stay inside your body inside your heart so I refuse it I find the most positive out of it and the most negative out of it and I accept them both and I move on it doesn't mean that I start thinking about it or anything like that but I just refused that hurt I refuse the pain of it that is my choice on how long I wanted to hurt all except the pain the first time that's it it's over moving on learn my lesson makes me stronger and better in the long run because now I understand it better

[Alyssa11]

Good on you! :)

[ohshee]

Good on me? I see. Alyssa11 good on you, mmm well yessss that would be so good on me. Lol

[Alyssa11]

Good on me as I take a similar approach lol

[ohshee]

I'm glad that's what you meant because I know that you are strong I know that you are confident and I know that you can make it through anyting I'm sorry that you had to feel that pain before. And definitely once is enough

[Alyssa11]

Awww thank you!

[Lliam]

1) My parents. They weren't at all abusive or anything. They were wonderful and did the best they could. But there are things from my teens that still trigger me when I think about them.

2) One kid in grammar school was a little shit. I don't think he was a truly bad person. I think he emulated his older brothers and was just kind of wild. He would do mean things to other kids, including me. Even though I wasn't one of his main targets and I wasn't bullied in school, I was sort of terrorized by him even though we got along most of the time. He sort of caused me to be meaner, myself, thinking that it would make me more alpha.

3) There were a couple of incidents in high school and in my 20s that hurt my feelings badly. They entailed feeling betrayed by people who were very, very good friends.

4) There have been other things in my life. I suppose everything I've experienced has contributed to shaping my personality and behavior to some extent. I learned from everything, though, and I'm still learning. It all made me a better person in the long run.

[Leavesbound]

Yes and unlikely to ever happen. I dated a woman for three years. Her Mom, sister and best friend all told me she was impatient for a proposal. I made engagement rings for Tiffany & Co. at the time so I made her one with a near perfect one ct diamond. I did everything in the most romantic way possible. Everything from taking her to a romantic Broadway show she desperately wanted to see to taking her to her favorite four star restaurant, three dozen long stemmed red roses (it was Valentine's Day), a card I made with a poem I wrote. I got down on one knee under an Aurora Borealis that lit up the sky with a multi colored light show AND there were shooting stars all around us. I could not have planned it better. She took the ring, put it on her finger then laughed at me and walked out of my life. I'd have jumped in front of a bullet for her. I was totally scammed by her and her mother and sister and best friend. I'd spent thousands of dollars on Christmas presents for her in December and more for her birthday in January. She was the 5th woman I'd proposed to and was turned down by in thirty years. That was 11 years ago and I've not dated anyone or had any contact with women since. Apparently there is something wrong with me that makes me unsuitable for marriage. My own theory would be DPD (Defective Personality Disorder) but considering how stupid I probably am to think any woman would actually want to be with me I defer to my experiences.

[msbrightness]

If she is after anything beyond milk/sugar/oil/pasta and a way to live with you - she's just milking your naivete and the fact you have money (the communists out there often see that as confirmation they SHOULD/MUST abuse you)
Find someone honest - or equally wealthy. And do look good/your best.

[Leavesbound]

@msbrightness I'm not wealthy and never have been. That diamond cost me most of my assets at nearly five grand. I really got suckered in that time.

[PeacefulRainDrop]

Im sorry that happened to you! You deserve better!

[NoLookingAtSoleil]

Yes, by foster parents who were (are), I think, both transgender.
Still busy recovering/repairing the damage. It isn't easy because they still meddle with my life and feelings (with no ability to comprehend a straight single cis male - they used to fake sexual prowess and almost an open relationship but neither could conceive a child so sex was no connection with another human being you then stay with - like I find necessary/crave for)
Not a general problem, I guess (or maybe it is - where's the 'stolen children raised by transsexual parents anonymous' group?
On the bright side, I am completely emotionally and biologically functional and quite well off, just taught to avoid the moment someone female cis I fancy/like is interested and available (which seems to ruin it - I don't know if women don't give second chances or whether people think a connection started cannot be continued unless you act on all of it right away - it is as if any th8nking is disallowed, what I still find bizzare)

[Alyssa11]

Wow that’s a lot to deal with. Kudos to you!!

[NoLookingAtSoleil]

Yeah. In fact, I am fine, but then others who also have their traumas and still cannot put them into perspective/detach from them - and make me wait to 'prove' my interest (when I am very reliably either interested or not from the get go) - that's a real problem.

[Alyssa11]

For sure. Everyone has trauma... there's a lot of wrong shit that I went through as a child and I only started dealing with them now. If you don't deal with them, it can be seriously dangerous.

[PeacefulRainDrop]

Yes I have been. I got over it by loving myself more. For example I always wanted to have a spa day money wise could never afford without saving then Id save and think about all the groceries I could get with that money instead... but I took myself to the spa day got a massage, pedicure, manicure and my hair done.. first time for getting my nails done ever professionally.. then id do things that I wanted to do without the need of checking with someone else freedom.. a friend wanted to sleep with me we were both single.. I told him upfront that id love sex but I only have sex when im in a relationship and I have no interest in being in a relationship with you... dont get me wrong your a great person... your like the center of attention im already leaving the room when things get too loud.. night abd day different so it would never work.. but we can use each others bodies to satisfy ourselves im open to trying... do things you enjoy if you want an extra piece of cake take it cause no amount of weight can't be worked off without exercising. Dont allow anyone to tell you what you should be doing or not doing... do what feels right to you! Allow yourself to feel and investigate how you feel.. instead of thinking how could he? Think about the events that led up to it.. think about things he could have been thinking to make that seem like a good idea.. doesn't make it right at all.. but gives you more understanding so you can forgive, forget and move on with your life... not forgetting only hurts you cause the person that hurt you probably forgot the next week.. its your life feel the freedom in that.. you dont need anyone to complete you.. you are a complete person on your own look for someone that complements your life that adds to it without taking anything away!

[Anonymous]

1- parents: Abusive father with alcohol problems. Divorced 3 years ago. Family who all chose his side and just decided to abandon us. mother who reflected all her issues on us by swearing every day, throwing with stuff and started drinking. Leaving me and my siblings with the problems by having a (divorced) abusive father, mother with issues and no family to go to anymore.

2- school bullies: This is a minor thing which still grove a big scar in me mentally since this went on from class 1 till high school.

3- girl using me for entertainment: I once was so in love with a girl i met at university. we hang out a lot together and she helped me with getting used to the "university life". I was blind for every red flag people warned me about. But they didn't warned me about sonething else, which I will tell you later this story. Apparently she knew about this since she used this to her adventage. Playing with my feelings, manipulating me and sharing everything about it with her friends on social media. Not even once someone thought about telling me this till this went on for almost 3 - 4 months, when I found out myself because someone showed it by accident. (instagram showed next story which was from her about me). This left a big scar on me and made me distrust everyone. Since everyone knew about it but didn't thought about telling me about this.

4- Death: this is a kinda fresh but harsh one. I lost both my niece and best friend due to various reasons. One due to suicide and the other due to Leukemia. including some personal problems myself.

[Alyssa11]

Sorry for your loss!

[Lynx122]

The way I do it is stopping anyone from hurting me again, by being very careful and only putting myself in situations where I'm comfortable if another person reacts in a way that I wasn't expecting. I think I could losen up more and be fine because the worst case scenario will not happen but my mind refuses. I can't just let go every situation needs to be planned for. Because I'm not good at dealing with change and uncertainty (unless it's a life or death situation then I can throw my concerns for the future out the window and really focus on the here and now) I need to think ahead and know what I'll do if every possibility happens so I won't be reeling. I think the autism and the trauma kinda combined to create this defense mechanism and it's effective but it's quite slow to move forward in this construct.

I try to slowly expand my comfort zone but it's hard, it takes A LOT of patience. When I was 29 I felt like the most underdeveloped part of me was still 14 , that's one of the reasons being an independent adult was hard for me. When I got diagnosed and I got free time my emotional development exploded for a while I went from 14 to 16 in about 6 months and then even further but now the progress has slowed down again to normal speeds and I feel a bit frustrated. I do wish I could just relax more and be more adventurous and and carefree.

Definitely get therapy.

You might make faster progress because you don't have additional mental issues that complicate things but it will probably take patience no matter what. In the end we are kind of just dependent on how much the part of ourself we can't control can handle. We can push ourselves and organize our thoughts through therapy so we have a better understanding of our situation but there's a limit to how much you can improve the speed of your recovery once you're close to that limit all you can do is wait for it to take effect. And try and live life as best you can while you're waiting :D

[msbrightness]

You have to get yourself a) exposed to people who function in a healthy environment/healthy ways, to get that awareness of the obviousness of it existing (and being nice and healthy and feeling good without much effort/weird string attached) and b) untangle yourself from the people who hurt you/who encourage it (parents/siblings etc). It is very hard (and unpopular) to even start to believe someone close could hurt you, and to then find the healthier ground and the people who wouldn't.
The emotional wounds are kind of obvious and tend to attract the same type of bullies since you have that dent in confidence they look for.
It is very good, if you can, perhaps compulsory, to earn your own money and to do sports/exercise that make you look good (and thus feel good/be high enough value for the sane/healthy folk to be interested in you.
There are huge numbers of angry a-holes there, so those who are decent have a limited opportunity to pull you out without you first getting to grips with the reality of your situation.
Do stay calm and skip, even ignore, moments of feeling down - that is almost always just the weight of your (PTSD) memories, not of the morning that is coming after the dawn.

Best of luck.

[Crazybeeguy]

No, I ask for respect in the begining of a relationship. I find it better to parts ways if either is unhappy. I do give proper closure. On the other hand healing is my speciality. You will have to find someone who wants a relationship with you or can just be your friend. They will have to help you work through what caused the damage. They will also have to make you feel like they won't hurt you the same way, so open communication and commitment. A guy worth his value will help you heal. Just don't let it stop you from meeting new people. Learn that not everyone and every relationship is perfect. I have had damaged Girlfriends in the past, that past relationships really did a number on them. Remember not all guys are like that guy.

Good luck

[Alyssa11]

Thanks this is awesome.

[PeacefulRainDrop]

Truth!

[Azura_88]

Yes, I have trust issues.
Feeling that no matter who the hell i am, (i will be a unique one whom they will remember) BUT SOMEHOW, I'll still end up getting replaced because only thing constant in life is "change". All of the people who love changes scare me and make me feel like I'm the only one who avoids progress. But in relationships there's no need to change partners because you're simply bored or couldn't keep up with promises.
Fear of betrayal and always wondering their hidden agendas, small changes in their energy and overanalyzing them that how they said a certain thing or their facial expression.

[Azura_88]

What makes IT WORSE is the fact that me acting like a detective ACTUALLY EXPOSES THE DIRT they're hiding. So I never feel like to abandon my trust issues and scan them like like a laser by reading their tone, gestures and patterns.

[Alyssa11]

But I feel like if you act like a detective you’re manifesting that kind of energy too...

[Azura_88]

Yeah but still their scandals were exposed.

[Azura_88]

I used to think that why the hell am I like this. Let's pretend that my boyfriend is loyal and loving so I'll let it be. I was delusional and wanted to only see the positive side. But somehow my detective side dominated and I saw their real agendas. Now currently I just think that why the hell do they lie and deceive? I just thank myself now for saving myself.

[Alyssa11]

Yes I guess so

[abc3643]

Have you ever been damaged by someone?
YES.

And how did you get over it?
NO. 29+ years - over half my life - and counting. I will never get over that and I will be (*) until the day I die.
If God has any mercy,
1) that will be soon enough
2) there won't be any afterlife so I can stop being tortured over this forever.

(*) I originally wrote "bitter", but I am not sure that's the right answer because it's a complexity of emotions including bitter, defeated, sad, resigned, victimized, anger, hatred [which is extremely rare in me]. I feel like a cow in line at the slaughterhouse and know what is about to happen and it all happened because someone I knew, loved, and trusted, put me there and it's too late to be rescued - even by her. My life is coming to a shitty end and pretty much accomplished nothing.

[es20490446e]

Perhaps it's something else.

[libsaretards]

Losing my first true love really damaged me. We were so deeply in love. One day she suddenly broke up with me and never told me why. When I tried to contact her to try to get clarity, she treated me as her worst enemy and I never understood why. Any innocence I had left was gone that day. Before the day we broke up, I could ALWAYS see the good in life and ALWAYS knew I could get through any rough patch in life. From the day she left me until even today, my confidence has never been back to normal and I've had some level of depression each and everyday since.

[es20490446e]

Why? Do you expect to be the same with anybody else?

[PeacefulRainDrop]

Sometimes we never have closure and that has to be our closure... your better off without her!

[es20490446e]

@PeacefulRainDrop I found that having closure, speaking out what we have in our chest, is quite important and therapeutic.

[PeacefulRainDrop]

Sometimes the other person doesn't allow for that to happen.. its ideal for it to happen but sometimes we have to pull ourselves together without closure because its not possible to have closure..

[es20490446e]

@PeacefulRainDrop They will allow when I post it on their social media, or when I send them an SMS.

I would simply tell them how I feel about it:

"This situation makes me sad and angry."

[Dragonpurple]

Yes, I have and it was for the same thing you are damaged over as we've chatted about that before and I am not sure I've gotten over it... buried memories, and just moving ahead and making new better memories with someone else.

I think the term is called Post Traumatic Stress Disorder for us, even if it isn't as major as say others, say a soldier returning from war.

My head doctor after the divorce said its similar in how the body reacts to it. When someone betrays our trust that badly, on that level.

[michael1469]

Yes, i was place in adoption at 4 or 5... i prolly personally sabotage all my relationships til i was 30. From 15 to 30 they all lasted about 4 to 5 years... ao it was either push her away before i got pushed away.

In my 30s i litterally was just there for the sex. I could careless about a relationship or not.

At 40, i meet my second wife, she was 30. Was totally head over heels... come to find out she only really wanted my baby batter. We divorced because i didn't want (more) kids 10 years later i am still crushed. However, as usual i would excell in my job and now business instead. If she would have stuck around, i would have been glad to have a child with her.

The point i wanted to make was achieve the goals of house have a nest egg first... so 3yrs after our divorce, i accomplished that... she one the other hand, got married, knocked up, he cheated, he did drugs, stole 14k... now she lives at home with her mother...

[Alyssa11]

Oh no. Poor woman.

[michael1469]

Grass wasn't as green as she had hope for...

[Gray-Wisp]

Some people call it damaged. I call it... this is me now. This is who I am. If you lose a finger you don't grow it back. This is you now. You get used to it just like any big change. If I were to look back at myself when I was younger I guess I was a better person but a lot more naive. I am stronger in my principles but I feel like in many situations you almost have to be the bad guy so that some good people have the opportunity to be good and I don't mean that you're their adversary. I mean that sometimes you have to do what is necessary to keep society from getting fucked by the same type of people that damaged you.

As I keep saying... most people are degenerates these days, you can trust no one.
You cannot fix a scar. You look at it and draw a conclusion.

[es20490446e]

Too pessimistic.

[Grape-Soda]

I wouldn't say damaged but I dated a girl when I was 25 who changed the way I feel about relationships. Before I dater her I just didn't make any commitments to women and I never had a problem meeting the next attractive woman. I was very tall and good looking but lacked self confidence (I grew up in a very abusive family and was on my own at 16, never finished high school and didn't make much money). I had a pretty cocky attitude to make up for my insecurity and was the loud fun life of the party guy. But falling for this girl and her having the same feelings taught me what how meaningless and hollow my life was in casual dating.