Is it normal to overthink and analyse things that happened during my relationship with my ex?

[Anonymous]

So after we broke up, i started to analyse some events and some stuff that happened during our relationship and i think she lied about them, i am thinking about saying that to her , should i do it or just move on? I feel like i have anger or maybe i feel like dumb

[Matt_M]

Yes, totally normal. I've been there myself. I've found it helpful to do a "post-mortem" on the relationship to get a clearer understanding of how each partner contributed to things not working out. The trick here is that you have to be unwaveringly honest with yourself: don't demonize her and don't idealize yourself. Just recognize that you're both flawed humans with your own strengths and weaknesses.

I've only really had one serious long-term relationship in my life and one of the ways I got over it was to write her a letter that that I never planned to send in the first place. I literally just dissected my own thoughts, took a penetratingly honest look at my own behaviour patterns in the relationship as well as hers and got a clearer idea of where things went wrong so that I could learn from my mistakes and move on with my life.

What I learned about myself through the process of writing is that I had a tendency to "check in" with her far too often by asking things like, "How are you doing, babe? Is everything okay?" At the time, I thought I was just being a caring and attentive partner, but it became a constant source of annoyance for her and a constant source of tension between us.

What I realized as I wrote the letter is that I wasn't really checking in to see how she was doing, I was seeking reassurance that the relationship was on solid footing because, deep down, I was afraid of her leaving me. Ironically, my efforts to prevent this from happening was the very thing that made it happen. And I didn't let her off the hook either. She had a tendency to hold herself to unrealistic standards in everything that she did and, so, felt justified in holding everyone else to those standards as well. As a result, it felt like nothing I said or did was ever good enough for her.

Anyway, if you can sit down with a pen and some paper and explicitly and honestly write out your thoughts, it can be a therapeutic experience that you can learn a lot from so as not to repeat the same mistakes in the future as well as recognize the things that were beyond your control.

[Purpleronnie]

I dont think it right to judge how you do or should feel after a break up. I also think your being really hard on yourself by trying to label how you feel in such a binary was as what’s normal or abnormal. I can understand why you might feel the need to analyze aspects of the relationship , her behavior , yours but it’s likely not healthy to read too much into it , and definitely not in terms of apportioning blame or what she may or may not have been less than honest about , there is no benefit in doing that even though right now you might want or think you need that. My advice is chalk it down to just not being the right “relationship” or you guys weren’t the best fit and move yourself past it mentally and emotionally and most importantly be kinder to yourself.

[Raeanne]

Completely normal, I have done it with one ex who really hurt me. In the end I wrote to them everything I wanted to say no holding back not attacking either and he called me , we talked and he apologised. But I have also had friends do this and their ex just ignored them or it turned into a blame game.

I do think getting out helps you to move on but just keep in mind you might not get the results you want

[Account]

In my own experience it is not normal because I process such stuff extremely fast and I reach my own conclusions, but I do not know if that is common.

The question I have is: What do you think you will achieve by communicating those things to her? What is your goal? Why give her attention? What do you think will manage to resolve by doing so?

[AviatorTom]

It's normal to think about what happened in a relationship... as a learning experience ... not to get revenge. There's no reason to tell an ex anything.

[noohair]

I have discovered that I cannot grow if I live in the past. Living in the past is a total waste of time and energy. You can burn yourself up analyzing things that no longer matter. But that is a bad idea.

[luvstoned4him]

Pretty normal. After breakups we analyze and ask ourselves if it was our fault and what if etc

[bobby_bush_eater]

It's extremely normal, take your lessons learned, and move on

[Nikki1989]

Normal for most men. Men tend not to think until it is too late.

[LostandFound__x]

It’s normal. It’s up to you if you wanna tell her.

[Sadia26]

Totally normal and important so you don't make the same mistakes in your next relationship.

[Sonora]

I think that is quite normal.

[ThomasMendoza1106]

nope sounds toxic