Am I wrong for telling my girlfriend that it's both wrong and inappropriate for her to be spending the night with her male friends?

[Anonymous]

We have been together for over a year and as both adults have always been okay with the other being friends with the opposite gender.

Both of us are service industry and because of that are more night time people. But lately she has begun to go and start partying out with friends more which is fine with me and I’m happy she gets time with them but with that has brought on new friends. She a month or two ago was introduced to some guy and his girlfriend (who I’ll call John and Sam) and started going and hanging out there all night. While odd to me I didn’t think much because of it being a couple. Well the past few times it’s been told to me that it’s been just John and his friend there. After inquiring more I find out John and Sam have had issues and she’s even looked through John’s phone and has accused him of cheating with my girlfriend. Finding all this out made me further more uncomfortable with her staying there all night.

Come to this past weekend and her and I get into a disagreement. Instead of us meeting and talking things out she proceeded to turn off her location and went back to John’s house. She in turn did drugs and ghosted me for over a day.

After finally talking I explained with more detail and frustration on why I don’t like that and how it’s inappropriate to do in a relationship. She proceeded to tell me i can’t get mad just cause I don’t know her friends. (She’s only met him like 5 times) I explained how if it was the opposite way and I was staying at a girls house especially after their spouse had started accusing them of cheating she would feel weird too. She proceeded to tell me how that’s different and not the same.

All in all I feel disrespected and my boundaries crossed. She has told me that I should trust her but I don’t know how I feel. Am I overreacting by asking her not to stay the night there and finding it inappropriate to stay at any guys house all night?

Updates

1 y

And just like that mis cado, your Comment is gone, read the question, and don't insult people. Two simple rules. Both of which you failed to follow. Do better.

Updates

1 y

Minor update, I have chosen to break up with her. The locks have been changed, and her stuff is on the front lawn.

[Caroline91]

You are probably under reacting by not breaking up with her yet. You should not have to explain this to a mature adult who is in a committed relationship. Either she is not committed to you or she is not a mature adult. Either way, it isn't good. And then she turned off her location, went back to his place, did drugs and ghosted you all while telling you that you should trust her more? The level of disregard for you as her boyfriend and as a man is staggering, I wish you well and hope you find someone worth being in a relationship with.

[Asker]

I am breaking up

[Caroline91]

I wish you the best. There is someone out there for you who will want to be in a real grown up relationship. You'll find her.

[Nerdvana]

@Caroline91 That was very well said.

[Asker]

She was incredibly pissed off last night, coming home to find her self locked out and all of her belongings on my porch and front lawn. She talked to her friends apparently and i have been receiving death threats from them. thankfully my friends support my choice. As do my parents and surprisingly my parents. I went to the authorities today to establish a restraining order if i can. Im just fucking done with her

Side note you may see this copied, but thats because i can't update the question any more.

[Asker]

*and surprisingly her parents**

[mattthefatbat]

I'd say you are doing the right thing in this scenario sir. You've tried reasoning with her first and didn't get into a fight with her about it. How ever she doesn't seem like she really gets how pushed aside it's really making you feel though. You really deserve a woman that treats you better than this, and im sure you'll find her. But no you're not wrong for doing what you did. Drugs can also cause people to not think clearly or as well as they used to before doing them, so it can be likely she'll have a harder time really getting this whole scenario. But this could be infidelity especially if her friends are having to tell you about it, and she's trying to make excuses or hide what she is doing while at the guy's house. There's one thing of being there for someone and then trying to be with someone. Most people shouldn't have to get defensive about being there for someone unless something more is happening.

[lightbulb27]

it's not wrong and there is a serious issue going on. you are very trusting and passive. if it's a disagreement and argument so be it, the fact you are asking this is concerning.

Frankly, I'd breakup but until then, I'd work to figure yourself out. Time to dig into therapy and understanding yourself, values, why you are how you are, etc.

What she is donig is not ok in my book and is seriously wrong. What kind of "friend" would do that?

I think you have low self worth to write that as you did and I'd explore that.

[blueonblack22]

He’s breaking up with her. He was too trusting and passive for a moment. But now he is drawing the line. Manning up. Got to respect him now.

[lightbulb27]

@blueonblack22 respect him for wisening up. Defintely do a post mortem on this and grow.

[Asker]

She was incredibly pissed off last night, coming home to find her self locked out and all of her belongings on my porch and front lawn. She talked to her friends apparently and i have been receiving death threats from them. thankfully my friends support my choice. As do my parents and surprisingly her parents. I went to the authorities today to establish a restraining order if i can. Im just fucking done with her

Side note you may see this copied, but thats because i can't update the question any more.

[lightbulb27]

What a mess, you did right. she sounds like an addict and in a bad crowd. I have more questions than answers.
I wonder what you ever saw in her.
she needs intervention by her parents.
You dodged a bullet and can be proud of yourself for taking the difficult actions you have.
Some... are not so lucky and suffer much more.
hope you recover, and find a good person to be with. This going to take some time to heal from. that requires learning what went wrong.

[blueonblack22]

Yep I agree with above. You are actually helping her by showing that are consequences to her actions. It sounds like she has been surrounded by enablers her entire life. So it’s sadly no surprise you are getting this kind of reaction. Sorry you are dealing with death threats and other bs. Really sorry. But you did the right thing. How old is she by the way?

For future reference you need to watch out for red flags earlier in the relationship. I have no doubt she showed a few of them but you probably just told yourself you were being paranoid. Sounds like you started off being too idealistic but what matters is you corrected the course.

Proud of you. Also don’t beat yourself up for being too naive in the beginning. Again what matters is you learned your lesson. Wiser now despite how much this sucks.

[Account]

I am going to be honest. I think men and women can be friends but I don't think in your situation that is what has been going on. I am sorry but it is the dynamic that seems sketchy to me.
Drugs, drinks, her whole reaction. Eh to be honest I would stop entertaining the entire relationship because the whole thing appears to be off.

[Finchie40]

She is cheating my man and you are best to kick her ass to the curb where she belongs , if she had any dignity or respect for you and the relationship with you , she wouldn't t be putting herself in those environments whatsoever , without you by her side , so don’t fall for her selfish behavior, she is a lying cheating whore , kick her to the curb and find yourself a girl that knows what respect means in a relationship

[AviatorTom]

She doesn't think it's inappropriate, but you do. In a relationship, one considers their partner's feelings. She's not doing that, which means your relationship is tainted... and weak. Your choice about what to do. Keep her or dump her.

[blueonblack22]

A part of you is really hoping that you are wrong and it’s no big deal. You don’t want the break up.

But if you don’t have self respect you don’t have anything. It’s better to be alone and have self respect. And when you have more self respect other women will respect you more in the future.

[blueonblack22]

You are doing the right thing to break up with her. I know this is easier said than done. You cut her plenty of slack (too much). But now you eliminated all other possibilities and you know the truth you are drawing the line. Good for you. 💯

[Asker]

She was incredibly pissed off last night, coming home to find her self locked out and all of her belongings on my porch and front lawn. She talked to her friends apparently and i have been receiving death threats from them. thankfully my friends support my choice. As do my parents and surprisingly her parents. I went to the authorities today to establish a restraining order if i can. Im just fucking done with her

Side note you may see this copied, but thats because i can't update the question any more.

[blueonblack22]

Yep I responded on the other thread.

As scary as it is (and you don’t deserve this bs) take her insane reaction as further confirmation you made the right choice. I had one ex girlfriend threaten to kill herself right in front of me and got so bad her family had to call the police to take her in for psych evaluation.

But truth be told there were several red flags before that I ignored.

[blueonblack22]

I also know the dating is beyond insanely difficult for straight guys in our “modern” society. I get how we get pressured more than ever to make unfair compromises. So I don’t judge your earlier naivety I this. Been there myself and I know it’s easier said than done to stand up to this bs nowadays. Men are being brainwashed to be simps from a young age.

But again what matters is you corrected course. This could have been 10x worse if you knocked her up.

[Lilbit84]

Stop putting yourself through this man. My ex was at his job on his day off wishing a coworker good luck on some test but blowed me off that morning and then with my own eyes seen it. I down right don't believe in showing the opposite sex while in a relationship and kind of affection. Like they were walking so close it was sick. I ended it then.

So no your not overreacting. Your feelings don't seem to matter. Only hers does. Mine didn't when that happened so I ended it. I don't blame you if you do that same. She crossed some boundaries majorly

[boggboss]

Sorry are u stupid that u even need to explain this to her shows she dont respect u end the relationship stop accepting her treating u like shit

[Asker]

I'm kicking her to the curb

[Miristheiss]

Breaking up should have been the only action for her staying at another man's house. That is 100% inappropriate. Do not take her back or interact with her ever again.

Get better boundaries for the future. You should never commit to any woman who expects you to hang out late with other men.

[PeachyPie93]

Glad you broke up with her anyone who gives you double standards would never make a good partner. The fact she would also cause issues over someone she just works with sounds like she was defo cheating with him.

[SuchSightsToShowYou]

Several possibilities here:

1. She is cheating on you with John, and lying about it.

2. She isn't cheating on you, but is behaving toward you in a very disrespectful way, because she thinks she can get away with it.

3. She is incapable of understanding basic human emotions, beyond her own wants and needs.

Whichever one it is, you're probably better off without this woman.

[SeriouslyNotSerious]

Just read your update and it's the best decision you ever made. One day you will remember how you firmly fought for your self-respect. 👍

[Nerdvana]

I think you made the best decision to break up with her. The whole situation sounds very secretive and inappropriate. I know how hard this can be, I have been in your shoes. You don't deserve to be treated this way.

[Shamalien]

Never argue with your woman. Simply tell her you don’t tolerate that level of disrespect and walk away. She’ll come crawling back soon enough, and then you can decide whether or not to forgive her

[XXTruthfulOgrexx]

Nope, she's done and gone from my life no exceptions

This is a question of respect. She didn't have any in my opinion.

[avery58]

Is she your age and still acting like a teenager? You should probably upgrade your taste in women to those who act maturely.

[strateguy632]

you are not wrong , make it an ultimatum and if she does it anyway, assume she cheated and dump her like i would.

[LostandFound__x]

I’m sorry to say this but if you’re ok with your girlfriend spending the night with other guys then you’re an idiot.

[Anonymous]

You're relationship is over. You are the back up guy, don't be surprised when she ends up with john once his girlfriend is out of the way. She doesn't respect you or want

[Anonymous]

yes you were wrong for telling her it's wrong and inappropriate because you should've dumped her immediately

and anyone calling you insecure can go kick rocks

[fantasticass]

This is toxic. Put an end to it. You deserve someone better ✌️

[DextroShade]

This sort of behavior is completely unacceptable and you were 100% right to throw the stupid 304 out.

[pencapchew]

I personally if I were in your shoes would had left the relationship when that location turned off. It’s a bunch of red flags going on

[LiamJHayden]

"She in turn did drugs"

Massive red flag there. You can do what you want, but to me that is an insta-dump.

[Unit1]

"She in turn did drugs and ghosted me for over a day."

Sex.

Dump her.

[Likes2drive]

Doesn’t sound wrong to me unless you guys have a lot of trust in the relationship, but it does seem inappropriate

[SolitarySolace]

No. What you are for is staying with someone who does

[SolitarySolace]

What you are wrong for…*

[Juxtapose]

Yeah she's obviously cheating and taking you for a fool. Good job dumping that bitch.

[Hispanic-Cool-Guy]

You're in the right. I suggest to rid this girlfriend of yours.

She doesn't respect you.

[MoonFace2]

It sounds a bit suspicious to me.

[DrPepper12]

You made the right decision

[exitseven]

RE Update": good for you.

[Hassaniscool]

Banging her just friends

[Asker]

I agree

[Hassaniscool]

So you know what to do

[EyesOfGod]

Dude she's getting railed. Time to move on

[Brosspot]

She's in the wrong. Period.

[Slim57]

Nah I'd never date a woman like that

[morganherrel]

Nope

[jahaims]

She's fucking him

[Asker]

Agreed

[Bety23]

Something not right with his

[Asker]

What might that be? I told the truth of everything.

[yelir]

Absolutely not.