Was I naïve to love a still-married man, and what happens to his wife now?

Question

I dated a married man for 2 years. Both in our early 30s. Worked together for 1 yr before started dating.

He told me early on that he was legally married. He & his wife still lived together, but said they were essentially roommates. She had the bedroom & he slept in the living room. It was an arranged marriage, & he said they planned to divorce once certain immigration/legal matters were sorted out. Told me they would eventually have to return to his home country to sign the divorce papers.

I questioned the situation, but I believed him. I never felt like he was hiding me or cheating on me. His family seemed to know about me too.

Over time, his life fell apart. He became estranged from family, lost his job, moved to another country for work, & ended up in serious financial trouble. We became long-distance for the last 7 mnths.

Now he wants to end things because he feels ashamed. He says he can’t provide or protect me anymore, which is very important to his sense of identity. We’ve talked about marriage, but realistically, it doesn’t seem possible anymore. He also has health issues he refuses to address.

He’s told me things are so bad financially that he may have to sell his phone, & that continuing to talk to me is becoming difficult.

I’m struggling because I fell very deeply in love with him. The relationship genuinely healed parts of me, & he was incredibly good to me. At the same time, I now realize he wasn’t transparent about everything, & I don’t know how much of what he told me was true.

Was I naïve for getting involved with someone who was still legally married? Was he simply in way over his head?

What happens to his wife if he disappears or becomes unreachable? If he leaves the country & stops communicating, is she essentially stuck being married to him, or can she pursue a divorce without him?

I’m not trying to justify what happened. I’m trying to understand it. I loved this man deeply, & now I’m left wondering what was real and what I failed to see.

Stevepro68 · Answer

Only time and perspective will allow you to see the pieces of the puzzle that have escaped your perception now. Remember human beings love to gamble at slot machines. We know intellectually overall that they make money for the casinos. Yet people pump millions of voluntary dollars into them... Why does this matter. We all believe that we might get that winning pull. The reason that keeps people playing is the small wins that leads to a short lived dopamine release. Training us to keep pulling. Why am I talking about this? Because that same process is what buries us in bad and toxic relationships. Why our brain writes a narrative about someone, that just isn't true, and their intermittent attention makes us feel so chosen and special. Why we feel loss so deeply when they aren't around and so high when they come back to us. Really write down and answer the questions what are the reasons why I think he's or she is so special? Realize that the person they are now is who they are and the relationship now is all it will ever be. Waiting for that person to finally give you the"jackpot" relationship in your mind isn't real and never was. Break all contact let the dopamine was out of your life and after time longer than you think you will see clearly.

Kvass · Answer

For the first months, maybe. After two full years of red flags waving in your face, calling it "naivety" is a generous description. At this point it crosses into stupidity

OneViewpoint · Answer

The whole foreign country thing raises red flags immediately. This guy could be scamming you for money or something worse. Get out of this thing immediately.

Anonymous · Answer

It was yes. That was a weird situation that should have looked suspicious and raised alarm bells. Married people are bad news.

Was I naïve to love a still-married man, and what happens to his wife now?

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Is it pointless to be in love with a married man?