What to do when you encounter senseless aggression?

[DishLady]

A fellow has chosen to sink to childish public gossip and putdowns to ruin a really great thing I earned. What can I do to put a stop to it without making a scene or a big public wave of contention? I'm more interested in preserving my reputation than anything else.

It's bugging me bc he's being very sneaky about it and resorted to having female "friends" act aggressively towards me in generating the smear campaign (public ridicule and call-outs to shame me at work events, chat groups to discourage others from partnering with me, etc.). I was losing contacts and support v unexpectedly for months and didn't know why... and someone who knows me finally called to warn me that this is going on. He's stalking anything related to me online... it's really creepy.

Full disclosure is I shut the guy down for mistreating and disrespecting me in the past, then I walked away. I hadn't mentioned it to anyone in our circle other than ONE person who tried to confidentially mediate the situation. Now he's claiming so many fake things, even using the mediation against me.

[Anonymous]

Honestly, I wouldn't try to fight a smear campaign with another smear campaign. That can easily turn into exactly the public drama you're trying to avoid.

I'd quietly document everything you can. Save messages, screenshots, dates, names, and anything that shows what was actually said or done. If this is happening at work, I'd also keep a record of any professional opportunities or contacts that seem to have been affected.

Then I'd correct misinformation only when it actually matters. Something simple like, “That's not accurate, and I'd rather deal with the facts directly,” is usually better than publicly defending yourself against every rumor.

I'd also be careful about discussing the situation with people in the same social circle. You don't know who is passing information back to him.

And if he's genuinely stalking your online activity or encouraging people to harass you, I'd take that more seriously. Tighten your privacy settings, block where appropriate, and keep evidence rather than confronting him directly.

The fact that you walked away after he mistreated you doesn't mean you owe him a public battle now. Sometimes protecting your reputation means staying calm, keeping good records, and letting your actual behavior speak for you.

[Ironco]

What she said...

[DishLady]

I wasn't thinking of doing a counter-smear campaign. Who has time for that? But in all honesty people don't really give a woman the chance to correct a misrepresentation. They just take the guy at face value and don't give the other person any sort of benefit-of-the-doubt.

I have solid privacy settings as well as the evidence. I am staying calm and keeping my chin up... It's all i know how to do, really. It hurts/stings that he's dragged friends and colleagues into whatever issue he seems to have with me, meanwhile to my face he claims to have no issues with me and actually openly chases me down to talk to me. It's REALLY odd.

[spartan55]

Does this guy really have that much clout and influence? People like that usually trip themselves up at some point. I am always very skeptical of anyone who trashes anyone. And if it's someone I know? They best be ready for a barrage of questions from me to get at the truth.

[DishLady]

He has a really big wallet and has friends with big wallets. If he wanted to be REALLY nasty he could burry me. But I'm a pushy little lady and just keep on moving as if nothing is happening. In truth, though, I'm getting worn out by his constant bombarding.