What to do with my aggressiveness?

Question

So… I am pretty chill, until I reach a limit,

then I explode and have a pretty bad anger.

So, I started working again and they gave me more hours, to compensate for some work I can’t do now because I am still recovering and they didn’t offer any compensation for extra work,

I got angry, as who are they to think they can take advantage of me, now that I am in a vulnerable situation and giving me more work to compensate for what?

I could sue them for not paying 3 months salary that I was not working but at least they paid for surgery and plus I had good enough salary before to not worry about anything for these 3 months and was even helping others.

But giving me extra work that I never had before without any compensation really infuriated me - I run downstairs? (Which is cool as I didn’t know I could run downstairs so soon after a leg break.)

Kicked the manager’s door open and told her everything I thought.

Now I think I went in too aggressively and I need to be more diplomatic.

I am usually extreme strategic and diplomatic but if I reach a point where I feel I am being taken advantage of, my mind gets blurred, I won’t allow anyone take advantage of me.

I just feel like I could do it without getting angry.

They cut off my extra hours after an aggressive encounter with me but yeah… I still don’t like it…

I wish I could have acted less aggressive.

Updates

2 mo

Kicked the door not with leg, lol

Just don’t know right word for that, like aggressively go into somewhere

Updates

2 mo

Plus, I went on her office and kind of sat on her desk 🤣 Just to show her that just because she is a manager, doesn’t mean I give a f***.

Now, I am usually good enough employee and very charismatic and my mistakes are often looked over because of that, but I just feel like I acted too disrespectfully and even though I feel they really infuriated me with all this stuff, I must have held my anger in and acted diplomatically.
My anger is my last resort usually, when diplomacy doesn’t work.

GuyAnswersGirls123 · Accepted Answer

I had the ultimate case of that when I was younger and it's still an occasional problem for me when intoxicated (hopefully no longer now that I've quit drinking as I haven't had such outbursts when sober since my 20s).

I always deeply valued outward kindness and civility. I still do; that's the highest ideal I strive to achieve (even though I fall short). Yet always being civil, kind, diplomatic, and agreeable demands inner calm at the highest level.

The problem I had especially when I was in my 20s, even though I wouldn't have been able to pinpoint it so clearly back then, is that while I valued behaving like the most mellow and agreeable person, inside me was a state of violent chaos and turbulence. When you try to act like a patient and mature person all the time outwardly but inwardly you have complete chaos, that's going to work itself to the most aggressive outbursts every now and then.

So back then I thought it was a matter of patience and willpower. Now, having at least improved substantially, I can tell you that this is the absolute wrong way to think. If you require patience and willpower to be outwardly calm, civil, and courteous, then you're doing it wrong.

The real key to staying this way outwardly is to get the inner side of you under control: to discipline your mind and challenge any negative and counter-productive thoughts as soon as they arise. This is still difficult and I doubt anyone does it perfectly; I certainly don't, but the more you practice and improve, the fewer and less outrageous your outbursts will become.

So I recommend when you have negative thoughts like this:

>> I got angry, as who are they to think they can take advantage of me, now that I am in a vulnerable situation and giving me more work to compensate for what?

Pause and ask if there's a different way to think. Also ask if there's a different way to act, like kicking down a door (even figuratively) and being so aggressive, even though it got you what you wanted this time, probably isn't the best way to negotiate for paid hours or fewer hours. You got lucky this time but if you keep using such aggressive outbursts as your strategy for negotiating better work conditions, it could cost you your job at some point. So try to think about that but also try to find ways to think that will help you keep your cool without demanding much willpower or patience.

Oliverlogan263 · Accepted Answer

Mama, I totally get why that made you so mad! No one wants to feel taken advantage of, especially when you're still recovering. But kicking down doors probably isn't the most productive response either.

When those angry feelings start bubbling up, the best thing is to remove yourself from the situation for a bit before confronting them. Take a few deep breaths, maybe go for a walk - that'll help you calm down and think more clearly.

Next time, I'd request a private meeting to discuss it when you're feeling less heated. Stick to explaining your point factually, like "I'm not able to handle more work right now without compensation due to my medical situation." Try not to come at them or raise your voice.

If they still refuse, don't explode. Just say you'll have to reconsider things, then contact HR or your union to get them involved professionally if needed. Showing you can keep composure puts you in a stronger position.

I know it's frustrating to feel taken advantage of! But keeping a level head will get your point across better without burning bridges. You've got this sis, just take some deep breaths next time before engaging.

Rosexøxø · Accepted Answer

Hmm maybe release physical tension in a pocket object like a stress ball or paper clip. Some fidget type of thing.

Or

pause yourself after hearing such news. Count to 100 ( two times if it felt fast). Go for a water break if you’re needed somewhere, and 4-5 minutes of fresh air, and then head back to your current tasks or engagements. Finish what you need for the day and think it over at home. Give your response the next day or two, if you can. Better to keep things business-like and not emotionally infused. This is why people don’t recommend workers have physical affairs with co-workers or work with family. Can’t mix emotions and work.

if you can’t respond about what was said in a day. Try to leave the area or count like before and then type how you feel somewhere private, and then type what you think you should do. Read it to yourself and maybe once more out loud and then after reading it, think of the situation and what you’d like to do, how to convey it to the other person/people.

The goal is to let yourself react but in a slow process instead of all at once, impulsively, and speaking before you can react and think of what you’d like.

Dont react. Respond. You’ll always feel like someone’s tennis ball if you react to them. Response it much better.

All of this- easier said than done, and personal opinion, but trying not to be a live wire- aka humans as we all tend to be many times, and instead give yourself the chance to speak and say as you’d want to, not as how they made you feel and what you want to say about that!

Don’t talk from a standpoint of “how they made you feel.”

Talk about the information and what you’d like to do/ work with.

Try to see and think if there’s any way you can get something you’d want out of it and then negotiate from there or so.

IslaTheWitch · Accepted Answer

you acted under emotions, not aggressively. And this is something to address. Don't go on autopilot. Wait until emotions calm down, and then think and act.

And believe me, I know it very well... I'm also a person who first feels, then acts, and then, with some delay, thinks... So, I needed to learn how to delay the reaction moment... It's hard and infuriating, as you want to release your emotions NOW, but it's doable.

love_conquers_lust · Answer

Aggressive is the correct word.

I’ve recalled how you said you try not to let anger overwhelm you. It’s a normal emotion to have, but it’s generally only useful under dire circumstances when a clear and imminent danger threatens your life. In the US, many vocations have training for dealing with those types of encounters such as law enforcement, emergency responders, etc.

I saw a good video:

https://www.youtube.com/embed/mScpHTIi-kM

the other day about how the most successful people in a society tend to be more tit for tat, they’re not passive or aggressive, they’re assertive. I’ve received training from a previous employer on being just that. In the video, they said four major characteristics people with the best strategies shared were: nice, forgiving, provocable/retaliatory, and clear. It was coined as having a simple, eye for an eye approach. It’s an old strategy that is rooted in the golden rule, it’s found in some religions in some aspect. Mathematically speaking, as it applied to humans in this simulation, nice people really do finish first!

Sonorous · Answer

I'm a similar way. Mostly chill af but I might quickly blow up at things I feel are deep betrayals or injustices. I notice what helps me is to not act instantly if I'm severely emotional aroused. Because by then, I'll notice that my mind is more open to strategy due to the emotional part of my mind not taking up so many resources or focus or whatever. I'll of course still want to channel the emotion during the situation if it calls for firmness. But it will be much easier to focus on constructive things.

Also, I like to take note of how I feel everyday & keep things in mind. Because for instance, today I notice I'm higher in neuroticism. I feel more deeply today even with empathy. I notice that on these days, I have to be careful with what I surround myself with. Because I'm statistically more likely to act in emotional ways on these days than others where I feel fully rested & my hormones are balanced, etc.

DJB72 · Answer

Sounds like your response was appropriate. If it hadn't been, you'd have been reprimanded and the hours unchanged.

If you're normally chilled and occasional burst of anger to remind them you're not a doormat is a good thing, especially if the company has generally got an attitude of respect.

Keep it in your arsenal to use rarely. They've seen it now and they'll be less likely to take advantage of you in the future.

msc545 · Answer

A rage outburst like the one you describe is typically going to be interpreted as a temporary loss of good judgment. This sort of thing tends to make people feel worried about future losses of judgment that will again result in rage outbursts. This is deemed my most people to be very inappropriate behavior in general in particularly at work and usually leads to people being fired. I hope this doesn't happen to you, but if you don't get this sort of behavior under control eventually it will. I think the only thing that saves your job at this point is the fact that you are a young, attractive, female and people feel protective toward you to some extent. This won't last forever.

NathanDavis · Answer

I can't really picture you kicking a door open... lol

iFarted · Answer

Are you paid salary, hourly, or contract work?

Take it easy on the leg Ms. Kung Fu Master

Try closing your eyes then take short deep breaths next time. I'm pretty similar with being calm and not having things bother me for the most part. Usually I give 0 fks about most things, but when something bothers me I go 0-100 quick. I catch myself getting extremely mad before I blow over but closing my eyes and taking slow deep breaths. It helps I swear!

DryGermanGuy · Answer

Oh wow. Acting emotional in an Asian country is never a good thing. But I am guessing the wild Gaijin is getting more leeway than a standard domestic drone.

RavVid · Answer

Counting to 10 with deep breaths does work. I recommend it.

I'm not really getting the situation but we all experience events like this at work so the details don't matter that much.

You can say 'This makes me angry' in a passive voice but you can't say that too many times.

exitseven · Answer

I was like that and i think that it got me in trouble sometimes. I think maybe I grew out if it. Being married helped as well. I had to be a good role model for my kids.
Don't run down the stairs. If you fall you will be back at square 1. I am glad you are doing so good.

itsclearlynicholas · Answer

Mmm sometimes it's more that whole copy aspect, if others are in a mood, I become in a mood. Others are happy, I'm happy. It's just the way my brain is wired hahaha is my excuse perhaps. Sure are a fair amount of such on GAG, I just block or in my head I just think why the attitude or the ghosts lol ah wells

motownplayer2000 · Answer

Lol you are lucky you have a job still have a job. The bosses you have might be push overs.. lol you did that at my job, they would have shown you the door. And like those horrible break ups, they would have thrown your stuff in the parking lot before you got there.. hell if I was a manager and did that I would have done that.

Don’t care how angry a person gets not going to act the fool in my office. So yeah you are super fortunate you got soft managers.

fuddly · Answer

Employers don't like people taking time off and are maybe penalising you for being away for 3 months?

What you need to do next is show a good attitude then you will be back in their good books.

By throwing temper tantrum it's only making things worse for yourself.

spartan55 · Answer

Wow... didn't know you had that side. Definitely something you may want to reflect on. You can't always be kicking doors and all that. 😁

Squatting_Slav · Answer

A punch bag at the gym helps me release stress. Bashing out some heavy ass weights also and reading about stoicism

Bklynbadboy12 · Answer

Honestly you seem pretty normal to me. You have to stand up for yourself if you don't then who will

AmeerX · Answer

Femme you act impulsive and all but sueing probably won't help you where you are.

As much as I love Chinese for hard work, this is where they can lack sometimes. No one likes a disabled person 😔 on the job.

Iron_Man · Answer

It’s good to have some aggression so you’re not taking advantage of but you have to control the outrage of temper tantrums I find it interesting that you kicked the door open. If it was a male, he probably would’ve been fired.

KittygosMeoWW · Answer

I had a lot of rage issues during my post partum phase because I was unhappy and in an abusive relationship. The best thing I’d do is go for a walk or run when I felt overwhelmed. Nature always calms me down.

ProbablyClueless · Answer

It seems like a lot of this issue could come down to being more clear about enforcing strong boundaries.

he-takes-a-part · Answer

Utter vague and stupid question. Doesn't seem you are experienced 27. Nevermind you'd realise this post business commences.

What to do with my aggressiveness?

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